Tricky business! Kids, new partners, custody, xH...

J

Jaytree

New member
I was just thrown a bit of a curve ball and could use some guidance.

I am newly poly. I am divorced and share custody of our kids. It was a horribly 'high conflict' divorce. Nonetheless, 3 years later we can chat, even have a laugh together and I see a big difference in the kids' behaviours as a result of our amicableness.

Today, xH requested that we introduce our significant others to each other before introducing them to the kids (ages 13, 10, 6). This is a very complicated thing when I am quite certain xH would not be thrilled or accepting of polyamory. I am first trying to wrap my head around how to introduce both of my partners, even just one, to the kids and how to explain the situation to them. One is more primary to me than the other and I am meeting his family (wife and kids) later today and I was thinking that it would be simplest for the kids to meet him as a friend and I would be open about the fact he has a family. At the same time I will be trying to open their minds to the notion of multi-parent families and multiple partners.

But if xH wants to meet him first, that makes it official I'm seeing him and also opens the possibility that he will find out that my partner has a wife and kids.

And that's even before I begin to think about the craziness of introducing the second partner while I'm still seeing the first one. Oh my goodness!

If I tell xH I'm not comfortable with this, he will want to know why. It is also likely to increase tensions and he is likely to get angry, which means he will increase his bad mouthing about me to the kids and also raise their suspicions that I'm doing something transgressive. Our oldest is generally very suspicious about us having partners anyway. He told me this week that he saw a used condom in the garbage can in his dad's bathroom and wanted to vomit. He went on and on about it, sobbing about the trauma it caused him. (drama! but he also has a variety of mental health problems, anxiety being most prominent)

I told xH I would think about it and get back.

So, tricky! Please help me navigate this!
 
Did he say why he wants this? I mean, I can understand wanting to present a united front in terms of 'yeah, your dad is seeing someone, she's nice, I'm happy for him', but that doesn't require a meet and greet before announcing to the kids now does it? It comes across as a bit passively controlling. Like he might consider that he could still veto one of your relationships if he doesn't like the guy, and use the kids as an excuse. Is this what you are afraid of?
 
Hi. Yes, the point of meeting each other's partners before the kids would be to to make it easier for the kids - so we can know the person and the kids can feel less stressed about splitting loyalties and we can better help them deal with it.

In the back of my mind I am concerned about the control issue. But I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt because I do see that he cares about the kids, we just don't agree on how best to care for them.

Even if I were to suggest that we simply inform the other when we are introducing our partners (and note, he used the term 'significant other'), it still requires it to be official that that person is my partner and he is meeting the kids. It requires a certain formality. And then introducing a second partner... !

I wouldn't mind meeting his partner and it does seem like a nice idea, particularly after the last time he had a serious girlfriend (they got together just a few months after we separated and he introduced her to the kids right away and then she started sleeping over, which meant co-sleeping with our youngest, etc. and the kids had a really hard time with it). It was difficult for me because I didn't know anything about her and the kids wanted to talk about it.
 
Hmm. Is it motivated by your child's meltdown? How does the kids knowing that each of you has met the other's SO help the kids cope as opposed to just knowing that you are each OK with the other one having an SO (or two). If you do kid hand offs at your homes it might make things less awkward when an SO is around. Is your ex the type to tell them that since you approve of this person they should like her too?

Leetah
 
Thanks. Yes, his motivations are kind of unclear to me. I would be happy to meet his partner at any time. We have enough distance between us that (for me at least) there are no hard emotions around us having a new partner. xH doesn't know about our son's meltdown about the condom; he told me in confidence.

I suspect xH wants to introduce his new partner to the kids and, if I can believe in his love and care for the kids, he learned from his past mistake and wants to do it right this time.
 
If you're not comfortable with introducing anyone to the kids yet, why not just say, "At this point, I'd prefer to keep my romantic life separate from the kids. If/when I reach the point where I want to introduce the kids to someone, then we can figure out how to best help them adjust."

If you're still struggling with how (or if/when) to present your relationships to your kids, it might be best to give it some more time, period, and not feel pressured about all this. If your Ex wants to introduce his new partner, great, but it doesn't mean you have to go tit-for-tat right now if you're not ready.

Honestly, I think it's controlling and a bit like dad wanting to meet your prospective suitors, but I know things get tricky when you're trying to stay friendly when you're co-parenting. I wonder, though, what happens if he decides he doesn't like a partner of yours? What then? It may be worth having a bit more of a chat with him about the what-ifs before you reach that point (if you can).
 
Sorry, but this is all about control. The very fact you fear xH's reaction to saying no confirms this. In no way would it benefit the kids at all. It has always been my observation that a person who wants to do this just wants to size up their ex's new partner.
 
I can understand a concerned parent wanting to know which unrelated adults are around her or his kids. I can also see why you'd be concerned about it being a control thing. But it can only become a control thing if you let it. This is what I would do:

0) Ask exh why he thinks this is a good idea. If he says it's about child safety...

1) Say okay, we can do that. But only if he expressly agrees to keep any discussions regarding bf/gfs to child safety.

2) Not introduce exh to the boyfriend until you are 100% sure you want bf meeting your kids.

3) Refuse to let exh control your decisions. If he starts making statements about bf that don't involve child safety, don't engage. If they do involve child safety, look into the concern, tell him you disagree or agree, then don't engage any further. If he doesn't like bf, if he wants to try to use that against you with the kids, oh well. If you don't work with him in child safety concerns, he'll use that against you too, so you're not really in a winning situation either way if he chooses to be an asshole.

4) Only introduce 2nd bf to exh when you're 100% sure you want him to meet the kids. At this point you probably should already have independently thought about whether you want to be out to your kids as poly. Kids are smart and shortly after you introduce 2bf while still dating bf, they'll figure it out anyway.

5) If exh asks what happened to 1bf, tell him it's none of his business and does not concern child safety.

That's what I would do, anyway. It's probably harder to set and enforce boundaries than give a blanket no, but if I was a parent I'd want to know who is around my kids, so I could see why he could have a valid, non-controlling concern.

Anyway, that's what I'd do. Feel free to take it or leave it. Good luck!
 
Hi Jaytree,

Not to be an alarmist, but I think you should actually get a consultation with a lawyer, explain the situation to the lawyer, and find out what your options and risks are. Maybe things are friendly between you and your ex-husband right now, but who says that couldn't suddenly change? That's why you should get one legal move ahead in this perilous game.

My general vote is to inform your ex that you're not ready to introduce your partner to him or the kids. But I wouldn't even do that until I'd talked to a lawyer.

My 2¢ anyways,
Kevin T.
 
Today, xH requested that we introduce our significant others to each other before introducing them to the kids (ages 13, 10, 6).
Click to expand...

You sound like you want to say "No" but hesitate because he has a history of having a cow at you.

If I tell xH I'm not comfortable with this, he will want to know why. It is also likely to increase tensions and he is likely to get angry, which means he will increase his bad mouthing about me to the kids and also raise their suspicions that I'm doing something transgressive
Click to expand...

You said you would think about it. In the meanwhile, see a lawyer and get educated about the laws in your area re poly and custody.

Tell him you aren't dating anyone "significant" right now. And that you will let him know when it gets there and you think it is time for introductions.

Honestly -- It's not really any of his business who you date or who you have as a lover. Or whether or not it is serious and "significant."

You can have your kids meet them whenever you feel ready including BEFORE they meet your ex. It's up to you. Not him. Just as when the children meet HIS partners is up to him, not you. That is fair.

Yes, the point of meeting each other's partners before the kids would be to to make it easier for the kids - so we can know the person and the kids can feel less stressed about splitting loyalties and we can better help them deal with it.
Click to expand...

All that can be accomplished without meeting dating partners. You both can learn to say "Yes, your Dad/Mom dates other people. I'm ok with it. I date too. It's ok to be glad that each of your parents is dating people they get along with better. It is not disloyal for us to date other people. We are divorced.

It is ok for you to like the new dating partners -- it's not disloyal. There's room at the table for many people -- you can like many kids, many adults in your life. It's ok.

We got divorced because we don't get along as married people. We get along much better now separated. And we both still love you, Kid. That does not change."

I would imagine this behavior stress the children out more:

he is likely to get angry, which means he will increase his bad mouthing about me to the kids and also raise their suspicions that I'm doing something transgressive
Click to expand...

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Thank you all. It's not about child safety. It's supposedly about being familiar with the person that our kids will talk to us about so we can help the kids adjust. But I agree, GalaGirl, it's not necessary and there are far less problematic options to help the kids through such a transition.

He wasn't suggesting that he meet my partner right now, just when I want to introduce a partner to the kids, whenever that may be in the future. And vice versa. I don't anticipate introducing a partner for a while. I was thinking Xmas time would be nice, but now I don't know. I've been seeing the main guy for 4 months now.

I am also becoming more certain that it's all about control. And, if he doesn't like my partner, he could very well encourage the kids to not like him also. I don't think he would like my partner, to be honest.

His suggestion also precludes a variety of relationship types. I have partners that I know will never be more than just a fwb but one has kids and I thought it would be fun to hang out sometime as friends with kids. Go for a hike or something. And what about those relationships that begin as friendships? So his request is rooted in an extremely narrow interpretation of how relationships 'should' work and flow and develop. That's problematic. But he has always had a hard time seeing outside his frame of mind so I'm not sure how to state it. But I will have to try.

As for speaking to a lawyer, yes. I should definitely do that. I do know that in BC, the new family law act and precedents are very accommodating to polyamory. But I want to know if there are precautionary steps I need to take to protect myself and kids. Thank you for that push.
 
Last edited:
Re:
"But he has always had a hard time seeing outside his frame of mind so I'm not sure how to state it. But I will have to try."
Click to expand...

Possibly, "I have to let you know that I am not monogamous right now." He may react badly, but at least you'll have told him in a way that he can comprehend. Hopefully by then your lawyer will have prepared you for how he might respond. Even if you can't stop your ex from doing some bad things, at least some of the worst things can hopefully be prevented.
 
" So his request is rooted in an extremely narrow interpretation of how relationships 'should' work and flow and develop. That's problematic. But he has always had a hard time seeing outside his frame of mind so I'm not sure how to state it. But I will have to try. ."
Click to expand...

Could use words he knows. Like... "I'm not going steady with anyone right now. I'm not dating exclusively. When I'm ready for you to meet someone, I will let you know." And when YOU decide you want him to meet them, you will let him know.

If he pushes you to agree to him meeting them before the kids do? Could say "You prefer I meet your GF before the kids do. I am willing to honor and respect your preference for your side.

On my side, I prefer the kids meet them first and then you. I would like you to honor and respect my preference for my side.

That way is fair -- we each get to have our own side the way we each prefer."

If he has a cow, just bow out. "You sound like you need some space. I'll talk to you another time." and hang up or leave the room.

Your children are first degree relatives to you. They could meet your partners first. He is your ex husband. He is no longer a first degree relative to you. He might not LIKE that he is no longer first degree because you are divorced. But he no longer has a direct tie to you. His connection to you is now through coparenting shared children. Two degrees out.

It is what it is. And in the end, your dating preferences include when to introduce your partners to people. YOUR choice.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top