Troubles w/Metamour

Nightmare_xx

New member
I’m (25 NB) fairly new to polyamory and have been having issues with my metamour, S (23 NB), and by extension my partner (28 M) as well.

To give some background, my partner, H, (28 M) and I have known each other for six years as friends. We went to the same college, and I actually met him through my now ex boyfriend (B) since they were roommates.

It honestly took me aback that he pursued S. Back in September, I met S at goth event I went to w/H and B. I thought they were cool, and we even shared a drink. Later that night, H asked me what I thought of them in terms of him dating them as S was being a bit flirty and giving him attention. During this time, H was pursuing a woman who lived far from him, and had a busy life, so she was not always replying to him but there was still an interest. I told him that was probably not a good idea as he would on be pursuing S out of convenience. He agreed, and that was the same night he kissed me and a threesome happened w/me, H, and B. He also relayed to me in a later conversation that he only pursued S because he thought things with him and I weren’t going to happen, and it made me feel a bit bad for S.

Things w/S and I have been rocky. Prior to me knowing about what was going on w/ H and S, I followed them on Instagram as I thought we could possibly be friends. I added them to what’s called a close friends list because said Instagram account is connected to a fandom I am popular in. S seemed to be fine w/that as they even replied to one of the things I shared after following them. It wasn’t until I started sharing things that indicated I was either w/H or having a good time with him, that S decided to soft block me. They told H they felt I wanted him to myself. Nothing I shared indicated that all. If anything, S shared a post to their story indicating they wanted parallel polyamory, and it made me uncomfortable as this is my first time navigating a polyamorous relationship, and said post made me feel like they did not want to interact at all. I just chalked it up as they may have been a bit jealous and insecure, and I decided to completely block them from accessing my Instagram as I did not want to feel like I needed to censor myself when it came to my own social media, and for their own comfortability as well. It also made me realize that for my own emotional well-being, it would be best that I do not interact with them, as I have unfortunately have had bad experiences with people who are jealous and insecure treating me horribly.

A week or so after blocking them, H tells me that S would like to get in contact with me and talk. I was confused as to why they wanted to talk, but according to H, they have a history of their past metamours not liking them. H was a bit stressed out by some of the things they were asking in terms of me, since H did not want to speak on my behalf. To try to alleviate said stress, I gave H my alternate Facebook so they could contact me. I also let my H know that I had no intentions of being their friend, and that I would not want to be in constant contact with them. He understood, and relayed that information to them as well.

The conversation with S overwhelmed me. They kind of emotionally dumped on me and stated that they would get insecure and jealous in the future and tried to put the responsibility of them being able to self-soothe onto me as they weren’t able to do so without getting to know me or talk to me. They also implied that I was hostile, which made me feel like the “angry black woman” trope was being projected onto me. I stated to them that while I appreciated them reaching out, their insecurities are not my problem and it wasn’t okay for them to project their past experiences onto me. I told them that it would be best if we don’t interact as I did not want either one of us to influence how things go w/H in our respective relationships. However, I told them that if they needed clarification on something in regards to me, they could reach out as I did not want H to be a translator. I also expressed to them that I was frustrated w/H in terms of this situation they instantly tried to take up for him and take the blame for his actions, which made me concerned, as H is an adult and the hinge, and he should’ve been communicating as to what was going on. The next day, they sent me a friend request on Facebook, and it just felt like they did not read or care about anything I said since it was made clear I did not want to be their friend or interact in anyway.

After processing this first conversation w/S, I talked w/my partner and let him know that I was overwhelmed by the conversation and we both agreed that it was best that S does not contact me. I sent them a message stating so and my reasons why, and H spoke to them in person to tell them the same thing. However, by not wanting to be in contact with them, it was causing a strain in my relationship w/H as S was apparently upset by some of the things that I said to them and H once again did not want to play translator.

I contacted S a second time to clear up any misunderstandings, and once again, the conversation did not go well. They made several assumptions about what I said to them; in particular, they assumed I was not taking them seriously when I stated to them I may want monogamy for myself somewhere down the line. I believe they took it as I may want our partner to be monogamous down the line, but that’s not what I meant. I have realized that through all of this, I myself am monogamous as I do not have the emotional capacity to be with two people. Prior to this convo, I was still in a relationship w/B and I expressed to S that I feared that I may have to walk away from H as knowing myself, monogamy is going to be what I want. I decided to end things w/B in March. While I did not give S details since it was honestly none of their business, I did clarify what I meant.

According to them, they’ve been getting mixed signals as to whether I’m ok w/them being w/H. Now I am unsure as to what H told them, but I have expressed my concerns I had with him seeing S as I felt that he was repeating a pattern w/them. S is similar to his exes, and I just did not want him to get hurt or even S to get hurt. I expressed that to S during this conversation, and I also stated that I’ve realized that I need to trust H to be responsible for his own well-being when it comes to his relationship w/S. They assumed that meant I thought they were bad for H, and I told them that that was not the case. I also explained to them why their first conversation overwhelmed me, why it made me not want to be in contact with them, and I expressed that it felt like my time w/H was not being respected. H and I are currently long distance, so I do not get to see him as often. Most of our visits take place in his city and I’ll spend a week or so with him. A ground rule we came up with was that when I was visiting, he and S would not see each other. H and I also agreed that he would be careful about replying to their texts frequently when he’s with me. H did communicate when I was going to be visiting to S, and it felt like at times they were spamming his phone on purpose. When I am aware that they are together, I try not to text as often as I don’t want to disrespect their time with one another. In addition to that, I also told them that H was not telling me when he was seeing them, and it felt like he was keeping S a secret.

S did apologize for the first conversation, but once again, tried to make excuses for H’s lack of communication, and tried to blame me for them why they text H so frequently when I’m around; They expressed that they felt they weren’t being consulted as to when I would be in town and that it’s painful for them to not be able to communicate w/H in person for weeks at a time. At the time, I only saw H twice, and I told them that and also told them that it’s 100% on H to communicate w/them as to when he’s going to be spending time with me or is just not going to be able to see them in general. I sent a follow up message to them expressing that I wanted to talk as I wanted clarification as to what they meant as far “not being consulted”. We are not practicing hierarchical polyamory, and I wanted to make sure that they did not have this expectation that I need to give them a heads up that H will be spending time with me as that’s not my responsibility.

They did not open said message and when I questioned H about it, he stated they felt I was making assumptions about them and they did not want to talk. I was a bit upset by this because I made no assumptions about them at all in that conversation, and it felt like they were trying to paint me as some mean person. Regardless, I did not push for them to reply and left them alone.

Fast forward to last week, H expressed to me that he felt like he was sneaking around by not being able to tell me details as to what him and S do, and that apparently S did no longer want to know details about what I do w/H. I believe I’m at a point where I can handle knowing details, so I told H he can start doing that with me. Them not wanting to know details anymore kind of surprised me as in our first conversation, they stated that having their partner share what they do w/their other partner makes them happy and helps create trust. Also, I found out that them not seeing H for weeks at a time was inaccurate as he sometimes drops them off at work, and they hangout at each other’s places as time allows them to. I expressed to H that I feel like maybe they don’t want to come off as needy or assertive since they just started dating, and they may be a bit jealous. With all of this being said, am I wrong for feeling uncomfortable by S? Also, is there really anything I can do besides be there for my partner and continue on as normal? I don’t like making people uncomfortable if I can help it, however, I’m not really sure what the appropriate action would be to take.
 
There’s a few details missing, but character limit and my post is plenty long already. If anyone needs clarification, let me know!
 
I think you, S, and H. could talk about what sort of poly model this actually is.

It sounds like you want it to be a "very separate V" and you only talk to S in emergencies like if H goes to hospital. And do the same "basic polite" you would do the bank teller or grocery bag clerk if you happen to be in shared space.

The rest of the time?

Even if S. tries to friend you on things like Instagram or Facebook, or whatever? You tell them you you like them fine as H's other partner and are cool with it. But are already full up on friends so prefer S. only contact you through (phone/text) method if there is an emergency with H like polite metas.

Then it becomes SUPER easy for you to enforce your personal boundaries. You just sit back and discern.
  • You contacting S? You don't do that unless emergency with H.
  • S contacts you with emergency? Coming in on the right channel? Ok, you answer. Coming in on the wrong channel? You ignore.
  • Not emergency? You ignore.
And you STOP talking to S. about anything "extra." Like this...

I also expressed to them that I was frustrated w/H in terms of this situation they instantly tried to take up for him and take the blame for his actions,

Totally unnecessary to tell S. that. Just led to them getting all weirdo.

When really if you have frustrations with H? You tell that to H. Not other people.

They told H they felt I wanted him to myself.

Sounds like H told you S's private feelings rather than keeping confidence.

Is he a blabbermouth?

After processing this first conversation w/S, I talked w/my partner and let him know that I was overwhelmed by the conversation and we both agreed that it was best that S does not contact me. I sent them a message stating so and my reasons why, and H spoke to them in person to tell them the same thing

Sounds like you made both S and H aware of your personal boundaries. You can stop talking now. Don't talk to them anymore about things you already covered.

Instead, enforce your personal boundaries.

So you can STOP getting overwhelmed AGAIN.

We are not practicing hierarchical polyamory, and I wanted to make sure that they did not have this expectation that I need to give them a heads up that H will be spending time with me as that’s not my responsibility.

I wonder why you spend so much time explaining to this person? Even if S. DID have this unreasonable and unrealistic expectation... SO WHAT? Let them have it. Natural consequences will ensue. They can have unrealistic expectations. And then discover that you still aren't gonna be doing H's calendar work for him.

You seem to recognize it's not your responsibility. So take the easy path and do nothing on that front.

S did apologize for the first conversation, but once again, tried to make excuses for H’s lack of communication, and tried to blame me for them why they text H so frequently when I’m around; They expressed that they felt they weren’t being consulted as to when I would be in town and that it’s painful for them to not be able to communicate w/H in person for weeks at a time.

Could be basic polite and say "I'm so sorry to hear that. Unfortunately that's outside my scope. Sounds like you have things to sort out with H. I encourage you to tell H directly that H isn't meeting your needs."

There. Done. What are they gonna do? Complain you are being basic polite?

None of that (S+H) stuff has anything to do with you.

You aren't picking out S. to date. If H. is picking out a weirdo? It isn't your problem. It's H's problem to deal with.

Side step the drama. Leave it over THERE on that side of the V.

I could be wrong, but to me it sounds like you are taking this too personally when it's waaaaay easier to decide S is weird and (S+H) have some issues they need to sort themselves. And then just check out in a polite way because none of that is your biz.

H and I are currently long distance, so I do not get to see him as often. Most of our visits take place in his city and I’ll spend a week or so with him. A ground rule we came up with was that when I was visiting, he and S would not see each other. H and I also agreed that he would be careful about replying to their texts frequently when he’s with me. H did communicate when I was going to be visiting to S, and it felt like at times they were spamming his phone on purpose.

Not your problem to deal with if S spams his phone on purpose.

Could ask H to put his phone on vibrate. Then it bothers only him in his pants pocket rather than bothering you listening to it ring. Or he can just turn the whole thing totally off.

H expressed to me that he felt like he was sneaking around by not being able to tell me details as to what him and S do

Could tell him " H, I am aware you have another partner called S. You aren't sneaking around. I just don't need TMI details when practicing a very separate V. I wish you both well on that side. If you are happy, I'm happy for you. If I bump into S somehow, I can be basic polite. But I just don't want to do Kitchen table poly or be best friends with S. On this side of the V? I just need to know they exist and how to contact in case you have emergency, that you use safer sex practices, and what's going on with the calendar. Don't need anything else. I'm good."

It's not just you maintaining your personal boundaries with S.

But you maintaining your personal boundaries with H too.

apparently S did no longer want to know details about what I do w/H.

Ok. That's nice. S doesn't want details.

Where is problem? What's it got to do with you? Nothing. If you want to reduce time doing twirly whirlies with either of them? Could learn to let some of this just go on by without comment.

I believe I’m at a point where I can handle knowing details, so I told H he can start doing that with me.

WHY? Just because you can do something, doesn't mean you HAVE to or WANT to.

I can cross-stitch and knit. But I find both tedious. So why would I want to?

Also, is there really anything I can do besides be there for my partner and continue on as normal? I don’t like making people uncomfortable if I can help it, however, I’m not really sure what the appropriate action would be to take.

You don't sound like you are trying to be a jerk to either S. or H. I think you are being too "nice" and getting all wrapped up in their weirdo.

Could be nice to YOU instead. Do less work. Be "basic polite" when you have to, and the rest of the time just stay on your side of the V.

As you said above, he's an adult hinge. He can pick out who he wants to date. Over THERE on that side of the V. So long as you know he has a partner, emergency info maybe, calendar, and safer sex practices? You can skip alllllll the rest of it.

Know why? You aren't picking out S. to date. H is. So it's his deal.

Now if H starts bringing you drama? Like H complaining S says this and that? And that behavior drives you up the wall? It is not S doing stuff that is the problem. The problem is H bringing it over there to this side of the V.

So... you ask him to stop because you don't want to spend (You + H) time listening to him vent about his (H+S) stuff. If he needs that kind of help? Work it out with S and/or seek a poly counselor.

You can't be like his free therapist. I mean, that might work out great for him. But where's the pleasure in that for you?

And if he doesn't cut it out? He keeps bringing you drama on this side of the V? You can stop picking him out to date because he's just a sloppy hinge.

Do not JADE -- (J)ustify, (A)rgue, (D)efend or (E)xplain. Keep your own life simpler.

That would be my suggestion.

It also made me realize that for my own emotional well-being, it would be best that I do not interact with them, as I have unfortunately have had bad experiences with people who are jealous and insecure treating me horribly.

You could honor your own personal boundary. Basic polite only when you have to in emergencies/happen to bump into each other. But no more going out of your way to talk to them, explain things, etc.

Galagirl
 
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I think you, S, and H. could talk about what sort of poly model this actually is.

It sounds like you want it to be a "very separate V" and you only talk to S in emergencies like if H goes to hospital. And do the same "basic polite" you would do the bank teller or grocery bag clerk if you happen to be in shared space.

The rest of the time?

Even if S. tries to friend you on things like Instagram or Facebook, or whatever? You tell them you you like them fine as H's other partner and are cool with it. But are already full up on friends so prefer S. only contact you through (phone/text) method if there is an emergency with H like polite metas.

Then it becomes SUPER easy for you to enforce your personal boundaries. You just sit back and discern.
  • Emergency? Coming in on the right channel? Ok, you answer. Coming in on the wrong channel? You ignore the latest S witter fiesta.
  • Not emergency? You ignore the latest S witter fiesta.
And you STOP talking to S. about anything "extra." Like this...



Totally unnecessary to tell S. that. Just led to them getting all weirdo.

When really if you have frustrations with H? You tell that to H. Not other people.



Sounds like H told you S's private feelings rather than keeping confidence.

Is he a blabbermouth?



Sounds like you made both S and H aware of your personal boundaries. So all you have to do is enforce.

You can stop talking now. Instead, enforce your personal boundaries.

So you can STOP getting overwhelmed AGAIN. So don't talk to them anymore.



I wonder why spend so much time explaining to this person? Even if S. DID have this unreasonable and unrealistic expectation... SO WHAT? Let them have it. And learn that nope. You still aren't gonna be doing H's calendar work for him. You seem to recognize it's not your responsibility. So take the easy path and do nothing on that front.

Not even explaining to them that it is not your responsibility.



To me it sounds like you are taking this too personally when it's waaaaay easier to decide S is weird. And then just check out in a polite way.

Could be basic polite and say "I'm so sorry to hear that. Unfortunately that's outside my scope. Sounds like you have things to sort out with H. I encourage you to tell H directly that H isn't meeting your needs."

There. Done.

None of that (S+H) stuff has anything to do with you.

You aren't picking out S. to date. If H. is picking out a weirdo? It isn't your problem. It's H's problem to deal with.

Side step the drama. Leave it over THERE on that side of the V.



Not your problem to deal with if S spams his phone on purpose.

Could ask H to put his phone on vibrate. Then it bothers only him in his pants pocket rather than bothering you listening to it ring. Or he can just turn the whole thing totally off.



Could tell him " H, I am aware you have another partner called S. You aren't sneaking around. I just don't need TMI details when practicing a very separate V. I wish you both well on that side. If you are happy, I'm happy for you. If I bump into S somehow, I can be basic polite. But I just don't want to do KTP or be best friends with S. On this side of the V? I just need to know they exist and how to contact in case you have emergency, that you use safer sex practices, and what's going on with the calendar. Don't need anything else. I'm good"

It's not just you maintaining your personal boundaries with S.

But you maintaining your personal boundaries with H too.



Ok. That's nice. S doesn't want details.

Where is problem? What's it got to do with you? Nothing. If you want to reduce all this time doing twirly whirlies with either of them learn to let some of this just go on by without comment.



WHY? Just because you can do something, doesn't mean you HAVE to or WANT to.

I can cross-stitch and knit. But I find both tedious. So why would I want to?



You don't sound like you are trying to be a jerk to either S. or H. I think you are being too "nice" and getting all wrapped up in their weirdo.

Could be nice to YOU instead. Do less work. Be "basic polite" when you have to, and the rest of the time just stay on your side of the V.

As you said above, he's an adult hinge. He can pick out who he wants to date. Over THERE on that side of the V. So long as you know he has a partner, emergency info maybe, calendar, and safer sex practices? You can skip alllllll the rest of it.

Know why? You aren't picking out S. to date. H is. So it's his deal.

Now if H starts bringing you drama? Like H complaining S says this and that? And that behavior drives you up the wall? It is not S doing stuff that is the problem. The problem is H bringing it over there to this side of the V.

So... you ask him to stop because you don't want to spend (You + H) time listening to him vent about his (H+S) stuff. If he needs that kind of help? Work it out with S and/or seek a poly counselor.

You can't be like his free therapist. I mean, that might work out great for him. But where's the pleasure in that for you?

And if he doesn't cut it out? He keeps bringing you drama on this side of the V? You can stop picking him out to date because he's just a sloppy hinge.

Do not JADE -- (J)ustify, (A)rgue, (D)efend or (E)xplain. Keep your own life simpler.

That would be my suggestion.

Galagirl
Thank you so much for this! I really needed to read this, and you don’t know how much I appreciated it.

His relationship w/S doesn’t have anything to do w/me and it should’ve stayed that way in the beginning. The people pleaser part of me was trying to make all parties happy, but I was neglecting myself and my own boundaries. I’m actively working on not doing this via therapy thankfully. I honestly should’ve listened to my gut after the Instagram thing, but I gave S benefit of the doubt. Lesson learned.

In terms of details, S is more than valid in not wanting to know details, and I’m not upset with them at that at all. I think in my head it was just that their words said one thing, but their actions were different which confused me a bit. But I’ve realized they’re just doing what’s comfortable for them. For me, I was honestly getting a bit anxious not knowing what was going on, so knowing about things is going to help me overcome that. If it gets too much, I will set up the boundary I had about details once again.

When it came to H telling me that S felt I wanted him to myself, I asked them why they unfollowed me and that was the reasoning they gave him; I don’t think he was trying to be blabbermouth in that instance but more so try to explain why they did it.

With his phone, he unfortunately has to keep his phone on due to his line of work. It’s honestly just a pet peeve of mine when I see their name come across his phone’s screen several times in a row, but it’s something I can tune out/ignore.

During all of this, I have been making sure I express my frustrations, needs, and wants to H, and he’s been receptive to them. He is going to start therapy soon to help with this and his other mental health issues.

As you said, he’s the one dating S, and he needs to be the one to deal with whatever relationship issues they’re having and it should not be my responsibility to make things easier for their relationship by sacrificing my own well-being or my own relationship with H.
 
Glad it helped some.

The people pleaser part of me was trying to make all parties happy

Why? What doom are you trying to prevent? What are you anxious about?

Who even asked you to do this job? You don't have to be responsible for the whole world.

When it came to H telling me that S felt I wanted him to myself, I asked them why they unfollowed me and that was the reasoning they gave him; I don’t think he was trying to be blabbermouth in that instance but more so try to explain why they did it.

Still telling you private S things.

If you ask H why did S unfollow you? Rather than tell you what S told them in private?

H could have told you "You could ask them direct why they unfollowed you. Or you could honor your own want to talk less with them and just let that go."

Kinda sounds like all of you could get better about personal boundaries/communication boundaries. Every dyad needs some privacy. Not because anything hinky is going on but because (H+S) stuff is for them two, and (H+you) stuff is for you two.


I think in my head it was just that their words said one thing, but their actions were different which confused me a bit.

Is it that S is bothering you because they hold up a mirror?

Because you said you want to stop interacting with S. And then in actions you ended up doing another thing. You keep on talking to S, oversharing info, or asking H about them. Rather than just be like "Yay! We disconnected our social media from each other. Less interactions for me!"

As you said, he’s the one dating S, and he needs to be the one to deal with whatever relationship issues they’re having and it should not be my responsibility to make things easier for their relationship by sacrificing my own well-being or my own relationship with H.

Yup.

Stay on your side of the V.

Galagirl
 
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Glad it helped some.



Is it that S is bothering you because they hold up a mirror?

Because you say you want to stop interacting with them. And then ended up doing another -- you keep on talking to them or asking H about them?

Rather than just be like "Yay! We disconnected our social media from each other. Less interactions for me!"



Why? What doom are you trying to prevent?

Galagirl
I never really asked H about them. After the Instagram incident, I told H I was blocking them completely for my own sake and I left it at that. S was the one asking H about me, which led to me having the first conversation in Feb with them in the first place to establish boundaries. They told me themselves in said convo that they couldn’t “self-soothe” without getting to know me or talk to me and that they’ve had issues w/past metamours not liking them, which should’ve made me disengage thinking back on it. And they also said that knowing details about their metamours and partners happiness makes them happy as it helps build trust.

The 2nd convo in mid March was definitely my bad as I only reached out because H expressed his frustrations with S and I not being on talking terms. Said frustration was/is not my problem, and I shouldn’t have disrespected my boundary to make things better with him and S. That 2nd convo did not really change things w/him and S as I stated, he’s still frustrated since they decided to not want details, so it was honestly stupid of me to engage w/them again.

In terms of people pleasing, this has honestly been something I struggled w/as a child as I don’t want people I care about to be upset or angry w/me because I didn’t do what they wanted. I think the “doom” I felt at the time w/this situation was H being upset w/me and my head thinking that he was going to end things w/me because I did not want to get along w/S even though he did not say anything along those lines.
 
I cannot tell if this is growing pains that will resolve over time.

Or if this is 3 people figuring out they all want very different poly models.
  • Like S wanted a kitchen table poly thing.
  • H wants to stop being put in the middle and/or he wants kitchen table poly.
  • And you want a very separate V. And perhaps if the break up with B was recent... you are kinda sensitive right now from that on top of it all.
It's not going to be solved over night. So may be best to get some rest, slow things down, and wait and see how it unfolds.

But def listen to your gut more and honor your own self FIRST before trying to assist other people with their REASONABLE and RATIONAL requests.

You don't have to be all people pleaser just because you were scared H. was gonna dump you.

I get that break ups are not fun, but neither are they unreasonable things in dating. If people end up not compatible? It's ok to part ways peacefully and move on.

Maybe you and H have the break up conversation. Like you don't want to break up, but if it has to happen, you prefer it go like THIS (in person, over phone, email, etc) so it can be a peaceful parting. And you don't want any of this (list wacky behaviors you do not want.)

Then you can be more calm and no longer afraid of it?

Galagirl
 
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I cannot tell if this is growing pains that will resolve over time.

Or if this is just 3 people figuring out they all want very different poly models.
  • Like S wanted a kitchen table poly thing.
  • H wants to stop being put in the middle and/or he wants kitchen table poly.
  • And you want a very separate V. And perhaps if the break up with B was recent... you are kinda sensitive right now from that on top of it all.
It's not going to be solved over night. So may be best to get some rest, slow things down, and wait and see how it unfolds.

But def listen to your gut more and honor your own self FIRST before trying to assist other people with their REASONABLE and RATIONAL requests.

You don't have to be all people pleaser just because you were scared H. was gonna dump you.

I get that break ups are not fun, but neither are they unreasonable things in dating. If people end up not compatible? It's ok to part ways peacefully and move on.

Maybe you and H have the break up conversation. Like you don't want to break up, but if it has to happen, you prefer it go like THIS (in person, over phone, email, etc) so it can be a peaceful parting. And you don't want any of this (list wacky behaviors you do not want.)

Then you can be more calm and no longer afraid of it?

Galagirl
S wanted parallel polyamory in the beginning as I stated they shared a post indicating that as well. However, in their conversation w/me, there was this implication that KTP was what they wanted as they stated they wanted to be my friend and “work as a team”. When I told them I had no interest in KTP, they were like they were not really a KTP person anyway. I’ve been getting mixed signals in terms of what they really want with this, and it’s been frustrating for both me and H.

H definitely does want to be pulled out of the middle, but as far as KTP, he stated while it would be nice, he’s not going to put that expectation on neither me or S.

The breakup w/B was fairly recent; I was the one who initiated it, but I was w/B for 6 years, so it was just a lot for me to process on top of this situation w/ S and H, and I was sensitive and in my head about H leaving too. H did provide me w/a bunch of reassurance though, and I feel better that he isn’t going to end things w/me because I don’t want to be buddy buddy w/S. We both want things to be long term, so I don’t see a break up happening anytime soon. We did actually have the break up conversation early on, so I do know what to expect in terms of that. I think this was just another case of me being overwhelmed with everything that’s been going on.
 
Hello Nightmare_xx,

It seems to me that there is good reason for you to feel uncomfortable about S, as their behavior is kind of hinky. My advice would be to have as little to do with S as possible. There may be times when you have to interact with S and that's fine, just limit it to those times, and to absolute necessity. I also think H needs to learn how to be a better hinge.

There is nothing wrong with parallel poly, especially when you have a situation like yours where S is honestly impossible to get along with. If everyone could act rational and reasonable, then kitchen table poly might be a good option. But as I said, that's not the case here. Draw protective boundaries around yourself, and stick to honoring those boundaries.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hello Nightmare_xx,

It seems to me that there is good reason for you to feel uncomfortable about S, as their behavior is kind of hinky. My advice would be to have as little to do with S as possible. There may be times when you have to interact with S and that's fine, just limit it to those times, and to absolute necessity. I also think H needs to learn how to be a better hinge.

There is nothing wrong with parallel poly, especially when you have a situation like yours where S is honestly impossible to get along with. If everyone could act rational and reasonable, then kitchen table poly might be a good option. But as I said, that's not the case here. Draw protective boundaries around yourself, and stick to honoring those boundaries.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Hi! Thank you so much for your response.

Yeah, like I have no intention of interacting with S at all at this point. Obviously in shared spaces, I will be polite but I’ve expressed that I do not feel comfortable with that right now to H, and he’s respected it.

I definitely do agree that H does need to be a better hinge. We are both new at polyamory, so I understand that things take time, but I feel it’s not really an excuse as this is something he chose to pursue, so he needs to step up. On my side of the V with him, things have been going fairly well, and my needs and wants are met. However, S’s issues have been made my problem at varying points, and they shouldn’t have been at any point. He’s thankfully starting therapy soon to help and looking into good poly resources.
 
That sounds hopeful. I hope the therapy and the good poly resources help him learn to get better at hinging. You got it exactly right: Dating S was his choice. That makes them his responsibility, not yours.
 
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