Nightmare_xx
New member
I’m (25 NB) fairly new to polyamory and have been having issues with my metamour, S (23 NB), and by extension my partner (28 M) as well.
To give some background, my partner, H, (28 M) and I have known each other for six years as friends. We went to the same college, and I actually met him through my now ex boyfriend (B) since they were roommates.
It honestly took me aback that he pursued S. Back in September, I met S at goth event I went to w/H and B. I thought they were cool, and we even shared a drink. Later that night, H asked me what I thought of them in terms of him dating them as S was being a bit flirty and giving him attention. During this time, H was pursuing a woman who lived far from him, and had a busy life, so she was not always replying to him but there was still an interest. I told him that was probably not a good idea as he would on be pursuing S out of convenience. He agreed, and that was the same night he kissed me and a threesome happened w/me, H, and B. He also relayed to me in a later conversation that he only pursued S because he thought things with him and I weren’t going to happen, and it made me feel a bit bad for S.
Things w/S and I have been rocky. Prior to me knowing about what was going on w/ H and S, I followed them on Instagram as I thought we could possibly be friends. I added them to what’s called a close friends list because said Instagram account is connected to a fandom I am popular in. S seemed to be fine w/that as they even replied to one of the things I shared after following them. It wasn’t until I started sharing things that indicated I was either w/H or having a good time with him, that S decided to soft block me. They told H they felt I wanted him to myself. Nothing I shared indicated that all. If anything, S shared a post to their story indicating they wanted parallel polyamory, and it made me uncomfortable as this is my first time navigating a polyamorous relationship, and said post made me feel like they did not want to interact at all. I just chalked it up as they may have been a bit jealous and insecure, and I decided to completely block them from accessing my Instagram as I did not want to feel like I needed to censor myself when it came to my own social media, and for their own comfortability as well. It also made me realize that for my own emotional well-being, it would be best that I do not interact with them, as I have unfortunately have had bad experiences with people who are jealous and insecure treating me horribly.
A week or so after blocking them, H tells me that S would like to get in contact with me and talk. I was confused as to why they wanted to talk, but according to H, they have a history of their past metamours not liking them. H was a bit stressed out by some of the things they were asking in terms of me, since H did not want to speak on my behalf. To try to alleviate said stress, I gave H my alternate Facebook so they could contact me. I also let my H know that I had no intentions of being their friend, and that I would not want to be in constant contact with them. He understood, and relayed that information to them as well.
The conversation with S overwhelmed me. They kind of emotionally dumped on me and stated that they would get insecure and jealous in the future and tried to put the responsibility of them being able to self-soothe onto me as they weren’t able to do so without getting to know me or talk to me. They also implied that I was hostile, which made me feel like the “angry black woman” trope was being projected onto me. I stated to them that while I appreciated them reaching out, their insecurities are not my problem and it wasn’t okay for them to project their past experiences onto me. I told them that it would be best if we don’t interact as I did not want either one of us to influence how things go w/H in our respective relationships. However, I told them that if they needed clarification on something in regards to me, they could reach out as I did not want H to be a translator. I also expressed to them that I was frustrated w/H in terms of this situation they instantly tried to take up for him and take the blame for his actions, which made me concerned, as H is an adult and the hinge, and he should’ve been communicating as to what was going on. The next day, they sent me a friend request on Facebook, and it just felt like they did not read or care about anything I said since it was made clear I did not want to be their friend or interact in anyway.
After processing this first conversation w/S, I talked w/my partner and let him know that I was overwhelmed by the conversation and we both agreed that it was best that S does not contact me. I sent them a message stating so and my reasons why, and H spoke to them in person to tell them the same thing. However, by not wanting to be in contact with them, it was causing a strain in my relationship w/H as S was apparently upset by some of the things that I said to them and H once again did not want to play translator.
I contacted S a second time to clear up any misunderstandings, and once again, the conversation did not go well. They made several assumptions about what I said to them; in particular, they assumed I was not taking them seriously when I stated to them I may want monogamy for myself somewhere down the line. I believe they took it as I may want our partner to be monogamous down the line, but that’s not what I meant. I have realized that through all of this, I myself am monogamous as I do not have the emotional capacity to be with two people. Prior to this convo, I was still in a relationship w/B and I expressed to S that I feared that I may have to walk away from H as knowing myself, monogamy is going to be what I want. I decided to end things w/B in March. While I did not give S details since it was honestly none of their business, I did clarify what I meant.
According to them, they’ve been getting mixed signals as to whether I’m ok w/them being w/H. Now I am unsure as to what H told them, but I have expressed my concerns I had with him seeing S as I felt that he was repeating a pattern w/them. S is similar to his exes, and I just did not want him to get hurt or even S to get hurt. I expressed that to S during this conversation, and I also stated that I’ve realized that I need to trust H to be responsible for his own well-being when it comes to his relationship w/S. They assumed that meant I thought they were bad for H, and I told them that that was not the case. I also explained to them why their first conversation overwhelmed me, why it made me not want to be in contact with them, and I expressed that it felt like my time w/H was not being respected. H and I are currently long distance, so I do not get to see him as often. Most of our visits take place in his city and I’ll spend a week or so with him. A ground rule we came up with was that when I was visiting, he and S would not see each other. H and I also agreed that he would be careful about replying to their texts frequently when he’s with me. H did communicate when I was going to be visiting to S, and it felt like at times they were spamming his phone on purpose. When I am aware that they are together, I try not to text as often as I don’t want to disrespect their time with one another. In addition to that, I also told them that H was not telling me when he was seeing them, and it felt like he was keeping S a secret.
S did apologize for the first conversation, but once again, tried to make excuses for H’s lack of communication, and tried to blame me for them why they text H so frequently when I’m around; They expressed that they felt they weren’t being consulted as to when I would be in town and that it’s painful for them to not be able to communicate w/H in person for weeks at a time. At the time, I only saw H twice, and I told them that and also told them that it’s 100% on H to communicate w/them as to when he’s going to be spending time with me or is just not going to be able to see them in general. I sent a follow up message to them expressing that I wanted to talk as I wanted clarification as to what they meant as far “not being consulted”. We are not practicing hierarchical polyamory, and I wanted to make sure that they did not have this expectation that I need to give them a heads up that H will be spending time with me as that’s not my responsibility.
They did not open said message and when I questioned H about it, he stated they felt I was making assumptions about them and they did not want to talk. I was a bit upset by this because I made no assumptions about them at all in that conversation, and it felt like they were trying to paint me as some mean person. Regardless, I did not push for them to reply and left them alone.
Fast forward to last week, H expressed to me that he felt like he was sneaking around by not being able to tell me details as to what him and S do, and that apparently S did no longer want to know details about what I do w/H. I believe I’m at a point where I can handle knowing details, so I told H he can start doing that with me. Them not wanting to know details anymore kind of surprised me as in our first conversation, they stated that having their partner share what they do w/their other partner makes them happy and helps create trust. Also, I found out that them not seeing H for weeks at a time was inaccurate as he sometimes drops them off at work, and they hangout at each other’s places as time allows them to. I expressed to H that I feel like maybe they don’t want to come off as needy or assertive since they just started dating, and they may be a bit jealous. With all of this being said, am I wrong for feeling uncomfortable by S? Also, is there really anything I can do besides be there for my partner and continue on as normal? I don’t like making people uncomfortable if I can help it, however, I’m not really sure what the appropriate action would be to take.
To give some background, my partner, H, (28 M) and I have known each other for six years as friends. We went to the same college, and I actually met him through my now ex boyfriend (B) since they were roommates.
It honestly took me aback that he pursued S. Back in September, I met S at goth event I went to w/H and B. I thought they were cool, and we even shared a drink. Later that night, H asked me what I thought of them in terms of him dating them as S was being a bit flirty and giving him attention. During this time, H was pursuing a woman who lived far from him, and had a busy life, so she was not always replying to him but there was still an interest. I told him that was probably not a good idea as he would on be pursuing S out of convenience. He agreed, and that was the same night he kissed me and a threesome happened w/me, H, and B. He also relayed to me in a later conversation that he only pursued S because he thought things with him and I weren’t going to happen, and it made me feel a bit bad for S.
Things w/S and I have been rocky. Prior to me knowing about what was going on w/ H and S, I followed them on Instagram as I thought we could possibly be friends. I added them to what’s called a close friends list because said Instagram account is connected to a fandom I am popular in. S seemed to be fine w/that as they even replied to one of the things I shared after following them. It wasn’t until I started sharing things that indicated I was either w/H or having a good time with him, that S decided to soft block me. They told H they felt I wanted him to myself. Nothing I shared indicated that all. If anything, S shared a post to their story indicating they wanted parallel polyamory, and it made me uncomfortable as this is my first time navigating a polyamorous relationship, and said post made me feel like they did not want to interact at all. I just chalked it up as they may have been a bit jealous and insecure, and I decided to completely block them from accessing my Instagram as I did not want to feel like I needed to censor myself when it came to my own social media, and for their own comfortability as well. It also made me realize that for my own emotional well-being, it would be best that I do not interact with them, as I have unfortunately have had bad experiences with people who are jealous and insecure treating me horribly.
A week or so after blocking them, H tells me that S would like to get in contact with me and talk. I was confused as to why they wanted to talk, but according to H, they have a history of their past metamours not liking them. H was a bit stressed out by some of the things they were asking in terms of me, since H did not want to speak on my behalf. To try to alleviate said stress, I gave H my alternate Facebook so they could contact me. I also let my H know that I had no intentions of being their friend, and that I would not want to be in constant contact with them. He understood, and relayed that information to them as well.
The conversation with S overwhelmed me. They kind of emotionally dumped on me and stated that they would get insecure and jealous in the future and tried to put the responsibility of them being able to self-soothe onto me as they weren’t able to do so without getting to know me or talk to me. They also implied that I was hostile, which made me feel like the “angry black woman” trope was being projected onto me. I stated to them that while I appreciated them reaching out, their insecurities are not my problem and it wasn’t okay for them to project their past experiences onto me. I told them that it would be best if we don’t interact as I did not want either one of us to influence how things go w/H in our respective relationships. However, I told them that if they needed clarification on something in regards to me, they could reach out as I did not want H to be a translator. I also expressed to them that I was frustrated w/H in terms of this situation they instantly tried to take up for him and take the blame for his actions, which made me concerned, as H is an adult and the hinge, and he should’ve been communicating as to what was going on. The next day, they sent me a friend request on Facebook, and it just felt like they did not read or care about anything I said since it was made clear I did not want to be their friend or interact in anyway.
After processing this first conversation w/S, I talked w/my partner and let him know that I was overwhelmed by the conversation and we both agreed that it was best that S does not contact me. I sent them a message stating so and my reasons why, and H spoke to them in person to tell them the same thing. However, by not wanting to be in contact with them, it was causing a strain in my relationship w/H as S was apparently upset by some of the things that I said to them and H once again did not want to play translator.
I contacted S a second time to clear up any misunderstandings, and once again, the conversation did not go well. They made several assumptions about what I said to them; in particular, they assumed I was not taking them seriously when I stated to them I may want monogamy for myself somewhere down the line. I believe they took it as I may want our partner to be monogamous down the line, but that’s not what I meant. I have realized that through all of this, I myself am monogamous as I do not have the emotional capacity to be with two people. Prior to this convo, I was still in a relationship w/B and I expressed to S that I feared that I may have to walk away from H as knowing myself, monogamy is going to be what I want. I decided to end things w/B in March. While I did not give S details since it was honestly none of their business, I did clarify what I meant.
According to them, they’ve been getting mixed signals as to whether I’m ok w/them being w/H. Now I am unsure as to what H told them, but I have expressed my concerns I had with him seeing S as I felt that he was repeating a pattern w/them. S is similar to his exes, and I just did not want him to get hurt or even S to get hurt. I expressed that to S during this conversation, and I also stated that I’ve realized that I need to trust H to be responsible for his own well-being when it comes to his relationship w/S. They assumed that meant I thought they were bad for H, and I told them that that was not the case. I also explained to them why their first conversation overwhelmed me, why it made me not want to be in contact with them, and I expressed that it felt like my time w/H was not being respected. H and I are currently long distance, so I do not get to see him as often. Most of our visits take place in his city and I’ll spend a week or so with him. A ground rule we came up with was that when I was visiting, he and S would not see each other. H and I also agreed that he would be careful about replying to their texts frequently when he’s with me. H did communicate when I was going to be visiting to S, and it felt like at times they were spamming his phone on purpose. When I am aware that they are together, I try not to text as often as I don’t want to disrespect their time with one another. In addition to that, I also told them that H was not telling me when he was seeing them, and it felt like he was keeping S a secret.
S did apologize for the first conversation, but once again, tried to make excuses for H’s lack of communication, and tried to blame me for them why they text H so frequently when I’m around; They expressed that they felt they weren’t being consulted as to when I would be in town and that it’s painful for them to not be able to communicate w/H in person for weeks at a time. At the time, I only saw H twice, and I told them that and also told them that it’s 100% on H to communicate w/them as to when he’s going to be spending time with me or is just not going to be able to see them in general. I sent a follow up message to them expressing that I wanted to talk as I wanted clarification as to what they meant as far “not being consulted”. We are not practicing hierarchical polyamory, and I wanted to make sure that they did not have this expectation that I need to give them a heads up that H will be spending time with me as that’s not my responsibility.
They did not open said message and when I questioned H about it, he stated they felt I was making assumptions about them and they did not want to talk. I was a bit upset by this because I made no assumptions about them at all in that conversation, and it felt like they were trying to paint me as some mean person. Regardless, I did not push for them to reply and left them alone.
Fast forward to last week, H expressed to me that he felt like he was sneaking around by not being able to tell me details as to what him and S do, and that apparently S did no longer want to know details about what I do w/H. I believe I’m at a point where I can handle knowing details, so I told H he can start doing that with me. Them not wanting to know details anymore kind of surprised me as in our first conversation, they stated that having their partner share what they do w/their other partner makes them happy and helps create trust. Also, I found out that them not seeing H for weeks at a time was inaccurate as he sometimes drops them off at work, and they hangout at each other’s places as time allows them to. I expressed to H that I feel like maybe they don’t want to come off as needy or assertive since they just started dating, and they may be a bit jealous. With all of this being said, am I wrong for feeling uncomfortable by S? Also, is there really anything I can do besides be there for my partner and continue on as normal? I don’t like making people uncomfortable if I can help it, however, I’m not really sure what the appropriate action would be to take.