Trust of my partner's other partner

P

polyprince

New member
I am fairly new to polyamory so there have been a few bumps in the road.
I have two partners one who has play partners that have come before me and one who up until very recently had no partners.
I have never had any trust issues with the ones that have come before me with the first partner.
The second partner is seeing someone new I have met in the past and have heard some not so good things. I am trying to trust him but am having a hard time with it. I know that he brings somethings to the table that I just can not bring at this moment. I want my partner to be happy and make sure she is fulfilled. How do I just let go of this emotion so does not harm me or the relationship. I have told her my concern but said I would be open about it all but it still is eating me up inside.
 
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You don't have to trust your metamour; you have to have trust in your partner. What do you fear happening?
 
Can I ask, what sort of things did you hear about this metamour, and where did you hear them? Perhaps talking about it on this board will give you a chance to vent and get it out of your system.
 
Unless what you heard is that this person is of a violent nature (they assaulted, raped, or killed someone), I'd stay out of it. I assume your other love is an adult and can make their own choices based on what they experience with this person.
An example would be I won't date an alcoholic, but I came to that conclusion based on my experience with dating someone who is an alcoholic. I'd not have appreciated someone trying to make that choice for me at the start of that relationship. My life, my journey.
 
I agree with Vinccenzo. But that said... You *feel* however you feel. Feelings aren't right or wrong; they simply exist. It's what you do about them that matters.

You said you've talked to your partner about your concerns. Have you told her specifically that you have heard things about her other partner that make you worry for her safety/happiness/whatever it is you're worried about? If not, is this something you could express to her? For example, "You know I accept you seeing someone else. It's just that I've heard this information about X that really worries me. I want you to be happy and safe, and I'm concerned that X might cause problems for you. I just want you to know that if there are problems, I'm willing to listen or help; and if there aren't, I'll stay out of you and X's relationship."

That doesn't address how to let go of the emotion...that's because changing how you *feel* isn't as easy as just "letting go." It's okay to acknowledge that you're concerned or scared. It's okay to feel that way. It's okay to tell whoever you talk to when you're struggling (friends, family, counselor, strangers on a polyamory forum...) that you feel that way.

Hopefully, your partner will express a willingness to tell you if she runs into problems with her other partner, and maybe that will reassure you somewhat and make those emotions a bit easier to manage. But sometimes believing that we shouldn't feel what we feel makes it more difficult.
 
Thanks everyone for your replay and Thank you KC43 for your reply. It made me feel much better. :)
After I wrote this thread I thought about it a bit more and the only trust I have to think about is the one with my partner and it is solid. She is an adult and I trust her to make the best decisions for herself. She does know how I feel about this other partner but it is her partner not mine and the trust in him is really on her and not me. She knows I am there for her though thick and thin and I know the same about her.
 
Keep us posted on how things are going; it sounds like you're in a better headspace now.
 
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