ALottaLove
New member
Hiya, I am the girlfriend of Bob, who was split up with Jane when we met. jane and Bob wanted to try again, they have a lot of history. Bob and I tried to let go in order for them to work it out, and when we missed each other one hellofalot, we proposed polyamory to Jane. I am comfortable with poly and mono dynamics, Bob wanted to try polyfidelity to see if it could work with the three of us, and Jane wasn't sure but was up for giving it a try.
We've been trying. Mistakes have been made. Bob and I have been compromising a bit too much to make sure Jane is 'happy'. Don't want to go into the details here but there are certain conditions that I allowed in the hopes of building trust, but the conditions from Jane just kept coming. Bob has accepted conditions that he doesn't agree with to try and keep Jane happy. Some he has kept, some have been silly to agree to and he has broken them. It has burned to realise that Jane just fundamentally isn't happy with the scenario, no matter what we do.
After we recently met up as a three, Jane said that if she did try non-monogamy with anyone it would be me. She offers us more time, I suggested three months, she said one, however Jane says she 'knows' how any period of time, including the one month will end, and can't give more than another month of her misery to this situation. That's not a great offer for someone in my position to accept. just delaying this inevitable scenario again in a months time, where Bob and I would like to continue, and Jane won't want to. She wants him all to herself and told me that last night, expressing feelings that sound to me like dependency, desperation and that she can't live without him, he is the one, and that she wants to be the only one to fill his heart. I thanked her sharing her thoughts and suggested that maybe her and Bob get down to basics with those desires because they clearly want different things otherwise I wouldn't be here. Regardless of how she feels, she keeps saying she wants us to try and keep going because she doesn't want to hurt Bob or split us up, which just makes me feel like I'm in a bonkers unethical position. I wish she'd take responsibility for her own happiness.
Bob and I are into each other a lot. It's been three months and before Jane came back in the picture I was already into him. I would love this to work as a three, and even though Jane is offering that we could see how it goes 'one month at a time' I am not feeling secure in this situation right now, as it feels like Jane and Bob are speaking different languages and I am a bit caught in the middle.
I have suggested to Bob that he needs to make a decision about what to do, as Jane says that she fundamentally does not want this and to want to be poly is something that we can't help her into. She has been trying this, and offers to keep trying it, in order to keep him, not for her own happiness. He wants to keep seeing me, and I have said that if he were to choose not to be with Jane, which he sees an option due to her unhappiness, I would try mono with him, as mono is what he would ultimately desire in a relationship. Bob is putting off decision making. He says the pain at losing either of us makes his mind go all blank. So is Jane. So am I. Something will have to give, eh?
I am having my own little ego versus empathy crisis. Really I want what is 'best', but have no idea what that is. Right now I feel like suggesting they get some couples counselling with a poly friendly therapist, perhaps while we try Jane's 'month by month' idea. It's maybe a way that I can foresee the fog lifting a bit for the two of them. I reckon they need to work through the reasons they broke up in the first place, which run very deep and are related to unforeseen life circumstances, sad stuff I won't talk about here. I feel right now that therapy is a way that they can figure out if they have a future together.
So yeah, trying not to get lost in all this. This is where it currently stands. Still limbo, has been for weeks now. Everyone has told me to run a mile, except my one actually poly mate who has said to make sure I look after myself, but not to worry too much about helping or sticking around them if it feels alright. Bob and Jane have been open to talking with me, which is really nice, and I hope that I can help them, myself, or anyone in need of finding a way through fog and darkness. At the moment I feel bit like a couples therapist myself. Must happen sometimes with poly stuff! I would like to encourage them into therapy if possible, as sensitively as possible, as I feel it could really help them both.
It might end up that Bob takes what he feels is the safest option of staying with Jane, as him and I haven't known each other very long. If this happens, I will just have to let it go, and will be sad, but I guess it will just be a case of bad timing and mis-matching, and that their whole thing is too big to break out from. I have tried to let it go before now, but it just hasn't felt right as Bob and I have such a lovely bond developing, and we feel very much like we can be our true selves with each other. But yes, if it gets to a certain point, I will let him go, if it becomes clear that it is the best thing for me to do.
I don't know what will happen here. I suggested to Bob that he have some time away from us both to think things through. I'm not sure Jane can handle that idea, and unfortunately I think he can take statements like that from me as rejection. Wish it were simpler. Wish Jane could have an overnight epiphany and open up to poly, or at least to her own happiness independent of Bob! Wish we could be a happy family, especially after seeing how well Jane and I do get on. Wish Jane were happier, and that they both find happiness in themselves no matter what.
Now, must get out and switch off for a bit. Time to look after me. Like I said, I'm trying not to get lost in this! Tonight they are still talking at Bob's place. I am off out to do some other stuff for a bit. Feel a bit brain-fried and a bit worried by the whole thing, mainly by their clear differences that are so apparent from my perspective, with them both talking to me independently.
Any kind words of support and love, or shared experiences of anything similar much appreciated. The kinder, gentler, the better. If you've got something harsh to say, it wouldn't hurt to take your time to be gentle.
Thanks for listening/reading. Hope you are feeling okay today, whoever's reading this x
We've been trying. Mistakes have been made. Bob and I have been compromising a bit too much to make sure Jane is 'happy'. Don't want to go into the details here but there are certain conditions that I allowed in the hopes of building trust, but the conditions from Jane just kept coming. Bob has accepted conditions that he doesn't agree with to try and keep Jane happy. Some he has kept, some have been silly to agree to and he has broken them. It has burned to realise that Jane just fundamentally isn't happy with the scenario, no matter what we do.
After we recently met up as a three, Jane said that if she did try non-monogamy with anyone it would be me. She offers us more time, I suggested three months, she said one, however Jane says she 'knows' how any period of time, including the one month will end, and can't give more than another month of her misery to this situation. That's not a great offer for someone in my position to accept. just delaying this inevitable scenario again in a months time, where Bob and I would like to continue, and Jane won't want to. She wants him all to herself and told me that last night, expressing feelings that sound to me like dependency, desperation and that she can't live without him, he is the one, and that she wants to be the only one to fill his heart. I thanked her sharing her thoughts and suggested that maybe her and Bob get down to basics with those desires because they clearly want different things otherwise I wouldn't be here. Regardless of how she feels, she keeps saying she wants us to try and keep going because she doesn't want to hurt Bob or split us up, which just makes me feel like I'm in a bonkers unethical position. I wish she'd take responsibility for her own happiness.
Bob and I are into each other a lot. It's been three months and before Jane came back in the picture I was already into him. I would love this to work as a three, and even though Jane is offering that we could see how it goes 'one month at a time' I am not feeling secure in this situation right now, as it feels like Jane and Bob are speaking different languages and I am a bit caught in the middle.
I have suggested to Bob that he needs to make a decision about what to do, as Jane says that she fundamentally does not want this and to want to be poly is something that we can't help her into. She has been trying this, and offers to keep trying it, in order to keep him, not for her own happiness. He wants to keep seeing me, and I have said that if he were to choose not to be with Jane, which he sees an option due to her unhappiness, I would try mono with him, as mono is what he would ultimately desire in a relationship. Bob is putting off decision making. He says the pain at losing either of us makes his mind go all blank. So is Jane. So am I. Something will have to give, eh?
I am having my own little ego versus empathy crisis. Really I want what is 'best', but have no idea what that is. Right now I feel like suggesting they get some couples counselling with a poly friendly therapist, perhaps while we try Jane's 'month by month' idea. It's maybe a way that I can foresee the fog lifting a bit for the two of them. I reckon they need to work through the reasons they broke up in the first place, which run very deep and are related to unforeseen life circumstances, sad stuff I won't talk about here. I feel right now that therapy is a way that they can figure out if they have a future together.
So yeah, trying not to get lost in all this. This is where it currently stands. Still limbo, has been for weeks now. Everyone has told me to run a mile, except my one actually poly mate who has said to make sure I look after myself, but not to worry too much about helping or sticking around them if it feels alright. Bob and Jane have been open to talking with me, which is really nice, and I hope that I can help them, myself, or anyone in need of finding a way through fog and darkness. At the moment I feel bit like a couples therapist myself. Must happen sometimes with poly stuff! I would like to encourage them into therapy if possible, as sensitively as possible, as I feel it could really help them both.
It might end up that Bob takes what he feels is the safest option of staying with Jane, as him and I haven't known each other very long. If this happens, I will just have to let it go, and will be sad, but I guess it will just be a case of bad timing and mis-matching, and that their whole thing is too big to break out from. I have tried to let it go before now, but it just hasn't felt right as Bob and I have such a lovely bond developing, and we feel very much like we can be our true selves with each other. But yes, if it gets to a certain point, I will let him go, if it becomes clear that it is the best thing for me to do.
I don't know what will happen here. I suggested to Bob that he have some time away from us both to think things through. I'm not sure Jane can handle that idea, and unfortunately I think he can take statements like that from me as rejection. Wish it were simpler. Wish Jane could have an overnight epiphany and open up to poly, or at least to her own happiness independent of Bob! Wish we could be a happy family, especially after seeing how well Jane and I do get on. Wish Jane were happier, and that they both find happiness in themselves no matter what.
Now, must get out and switch off for a bit. Time to look after me. Like I said, I'm trying not to get lost in this! Tonight they are still talking at Bob's place. I am off out to do some other stuff for a bit. Feel a bit brain-fried and a bit worried by the whole thing, mainly by their clear differences that are so apparent from my perspective, with them both talking to me independently.
Any kind words of support and love, or shared experiences of anything similar much appreciated. The kinder, gentler, the better. If you've got something harsh to say, it wouldn't hurt to take your time to be gentle.
Thanks for listening/reading. Hope you are feeling okay today, whoever's reading this x
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