PuppyPhoenix
New member
Post 1 of 2
First of all, hi everyone!
First-time poster on here, hopefully this thread might result in a few nuggets of wisdom, or otherwise helpful input in regards to my current situation.
A quick word of warning though, I have a habit of making posts a bit lengthy, but I'll try to add a TL;DR at the bottom. I find it hard to describe the issues of today without sharing a little bit of history of the contrasting backgrounds of my partner and I, and summarising that + the issues in our relationship into as few words as possible is something I'm finding a little hard...
Almost 3 years ago (mid-august), I met the most wonderful woman ever.
I'm from Europe, but at the time, I was in my first year of overseas studies in Australia. By then, I had been there for 6 months, and had already had time to get into, and out of, a rather messy mono relationship (her history of severe mental issues turned out to be less "history" and more "current events", and thus she broke up with me "to spare me" the stress).
During the obligatory mourning period of getting dumped, I came across a note that was given to me at the local SEXpo just a few weeks after arriving in Australia. On it was the URL for FetLife, and I decided that I might as well explore this community a little, being far from the smaller and more narrow-minded territories of home. I had always been somewhat intrigued by that lifestyle, and had made it an objective to try it out at some point in my life, so I figured that was as good a time as any.
After spending a couple of weeks on FetLife, messaging interesting people and participating in the local BDSM groups, going to a few parties and even playing with a few ladies, I came across a very interesting profile on there. I thought she seemed very interesting, and somewhat familiar, but it took a while before I was able to pinpoint where I had seen her before. She was one of the Pro-Dommes that had been presenting at the SEXpo (6+ months earlier by then), and it was her sub that had given me the heads up about FL. That, and I wasn't really very attracted to any of the other people there that day, but she was just... divine!
I figured I should send her a quick message and let her know that she, indirectly, had helped me find a new scene that worked rather well for me, and that I was grateful for that. Her reply was prompt, and rather surprising (paraphrased):
"Hi! Thanks for the sweet mail, I love presenting at expos, like your profile, want to go out on Friday?"
It needs to be said that I am 10 years younger than her (at the time, 23 / 33 now 27 / 37), and was extremely inexperienced sexually back then, so the prospect of a bombshell like her actually replying to my message, but also inviting me out on a date, was just... mind blowing.
That very Friday we went out. We had a lovely lunch, a long walk, talked about everything and nothing, and the energy was just really amazing. There was surprisingly little talk about BDSM and sex for a long time that day, even though she had a few questions about "this new cute boy" and his interest in kink. The date "ended" down by the river after we had been kissing for a while, by her inviting me to come back to her's (home + workspace dungeon in the basement), and being rather explicit about what she wanted to do once we got there. Before we left though, she wanted to have a quick chat about something important. That was my first encounter with the term "polyamory".
She told me about having been in open relationships most of her life, and when she hadn't been, she had often found herself feeling trapped and overwhelmed with the responsibility of having to provide everything her partner was looking for in a significant other. She told me that she had a few play partners and lovers (of all genders), and that if I wanted to be a part of her life - big or small - I had to be aware of that. At the time, I was just desperate for an adventure, and the thought of being able to get laid, but without having to invest too much emotionally into a relationship was perfect for me. Especially as I would be just "the latest fuck-buddy", and not an established lover, etc.
From there on, we stayed as fuck buddies for maybe 4 months before I was about to go home for the Christmas holidays. Just prior to that, she invited me along to her best friend's wedding (as her date, but some of her other play partners was also invited so I didn't think much of it), and a few days before I was due to leave for home, she told me that she loved me. I actually didn't respond in kind back then as it took me by surprise, and I still -felt- monogamous, and the prospect of being in a serious open relationship didn't really entice me that much. She did though. A lot. And having read "The Ethical Slut" at that point, I was also agreeing immensely with polyamory on a purely intellectual level, but I was still very insecure about my abilities to deal with such an arrangement emotionally. Of course, after being back home for 2 months, I came back to Australia and things quickly escalated drastically from there (I even returned the "I love you!" after not too long).
Back then, I was rationalizing my decision to stay in a poly relationship (even if I didn't FEEL ready for it) with all sorts of things. "I agree mentally, I'm sure the emotions will follow", "if I can tell it really doesn't work, I'll just break up before I get too deeply in love", "she has so much experience with sex [being a pro-domme etc for the past 12 years], BDSM, relationships, etc, I'll just soak up as much knowledge as I can before I have to move back home overseas", "what the hell, I'll just have the adventure" and so forth.
We just clicked. She brought me to all sorts of parties, introduced me to her lovers and friends, set me up with a few of her female friends, helped me get dates, etc, etc, while at the same time -expressing- values of being very poly, but still acting very monogamous with me. She began ending some of her other relationships, stopped going out as often, stopped hooking up with people when she did go out (for the most part), seemingly did a 180 on certain topics when she talked about them (monogamous couples vs poly couples, and how she was feeling so monogamous when she was with me, and how it actually felt surprisingly good), and would often text me when out on a date with something along the lines of "why did I go out with this guy, I just want to be back home with you".
I was trying to get into poly at this time, and when we were travelling to Sydney and other bigger cities, we would attend munches with the local poly scene (and she used to live in Sydney for a long time, so she has a lot of close friends in that scene), get invited to parties, play parties, discussion groups and much more. I was learning heaps, but I was finding it difficult to apply it as we were getting very monogamous, and my emotions were kind of welcoming her changing towards mono, even though my head wanted me to be the one changing.
Mostly she would really only be practicing her polyamory (and that's still the case), when she went traveling to visit friends in other cities and countries (she's an expat and has lived in a variety of countries over the past 15+ years so she has friends, fuck-buddies and lovers almost all over the place). I've realized that while I have very little issues with what she does for work (and the level of intimacy she shares with her clients), and what we do with other people when we're at a party, and even when we're only apart for a few days, I am finding it really difficult to deal with her being with others when she goes traveling for multiple weeks (or more).
The way poly has been introduced to me is "multiple loves". Her approach to figuring out if there's something there with someone else is a bit more hands-on than mine. She likes to get the sex out of the way rather quickly just to see if there's any chemistry underneath the covers with whomever it is. This might be related to her work, but also her past of always being very gregarious and enjoying to pick up men (and women), and also having worked within other branches of sex work previously. If whoever she hooks up with isn't good in bed (by her requirements), she loses interest, and prefers figuring that out ASAP.
Me, on the other hand, have always preferred taking it slow. I usually take days and weeks talking, chatting, flirting, hanging out and such before there's ever any sex in the frame. I guess I want to see if I match with the person on a lot of other levels before I want to get into that situation (sex) with them. I had one (1!) one-night stand in all my life leading up to meeting this woman, and that number hasn't really gone up much since. I guess her approach just seems like it's more about the "multiple", and not so much about the "love" (as it is the play/sex/adventure).
See next post for the rest
First of all, hi everyone!
First-time poster on here, hopefully this thread might result in a few nuggets of wisdom, or otherwise helpful input in regards to my current situation. A quick word of warning though, I have a habit of making posts a bit lengthy, but I'll try to add a TL;DR at the bottom. I find it hard to describe the issues of today without sharing a little bit of history of the contrasting backgrounds of my partner and I, and summarising that + the issues in our relationship into as few words as possible is something I'm finding a little hard...
Almost 3 years ago (mid-august), I met the most wonderful woman ever.
I'm from Europe, but at the time, I was in my first year of overseas studies in Australia. By then, I had been there for 6 months, and had already had time to get into, and out of, a rather messy mono relationship (her history of severe mental issues turned out to be less "history" and more "current events", and thus she broke up with me "to spare me" the stress).
During the obligatory mourning period of getting dumped, I came across a note that was given to me at the local SEXpo just a few weeks after arriving in Australia. On it was the URL for FetLife, and I decided that I might as well explore this community a little, being far from the smaller and more narrow-minded territories of home. I had always been somewhat intrigued by that lifestyle, and had made it an objective to try it out at some point in my life, so I figured that was as good a time as any.
After spending a couple of weeks on FetLife, messaging interesting people and participating in the local BDSM groups, going to a few parties and even playing with a few ladies, I came across a very interesting profile on there. I thought she seemed very interesting, and somewhat familiar, but it took a while before I was able to pinpoint where I had seen her before. She was one of the Pro-Dommes that had been presenting at the SEXpo (6+ months earlier by then), and it was her sub that had given me the heads up about FL. That, and I wasn't really very attracted to any of the other people there that day, but she was just... divine!
I figured I should send her a quick message and let her know that she, indirectly, had helped me find a new scene that worked rather well for me, and that I was grateful for that. Her reply was prompt, and rather surprising (paraphrased):
"Hi! Thanks for the sweet mail, I love presenting at expos, like your profile, want to go out on Friday?"
It needs to be said that I am 10 years younger than her (at the time, 23 / 33 now 27 / 37), and was extremely inexperienced sexually back then, so the prospect of a bombshell like her actually replying to my message, but also inviting me out on a date, was just... mind blowing.
That very Friday we went out. We had a lovely lunch, a long walk, talked about everything and nothing, and the energy was just really amazing. There was surprisingly little talk about BDSM and sex for a long time that day, even though she had a few questions about "this new cute boy" and his interest in kink. The date "ended" down by the river after we had been kissing for a while, by her inviting me to come back to her's (home + workspace dungeon in the basement), and being rather explicit about what she wanted to do once we got there. Before we left though, she wanted to have a quick chat about something important. That was my first encounter with the term "polyamory".
She told me about having been in open relationships most of her life, and when she hadn't been, she had often found herself feeling trapped and overwhelmed with the responsibility of having to provide everything her partner was looking for in a significant other. She told me that she had a few play partners and lovers (of all genders), and that if I wanted to be a part of her life - big or small - I had to be aware of that. At the time, I was just desperate for an adventure, and the thought of being able to get laid, but without having to invest too much emotionally into a relationship was perfect for me. Especially as I would be just "the latest fuck-buddy", and not an established lover, etc.
From there on, we stayed as fuck buddies for maybe 4 months before I was about to go home for the Christmas holidays. Just prior to that, she invited me along to her best friend's wedding (as her date, but some of her other play partners was also invited so I didn't think much of it), and a few days before I was due to leave for home, she told me that she loved me. I actually didn't respond in kind back then as it took me by surprise, and I still -felt- monogamous, and the prospect of being in a serious open relationship didn't really entice me that much. She did though. A lot. And having read "The Ethical Slut" at that point, I was also agreeing immensely with polyamory on a purely intellectual level, but I was still very insecure about my abilities to deal with such an arrangement emotionally. Of course, after being back home for 2 months, I came back to Australia and things quickly escalated drastically from there (I even returned the "I love you!" after not too long).
Back then, I was rationalizing my decision to stay in a poly relationship (even if I didn't FEEL ready for it) with all sorts of things. "I agree mentally, I'm sure the emotions will follow", "if I can tell it really doesn't work, I'll just break up before I get too deeply in love", "she has so much experience with sex [being a pro-domme etc for the past 12 years], BDSM, relationships, etc, I'll just soak up as much knowledge as I can before I have to move back home overseas", "what the hell, I'll just have the adventure" and so forth.
We just clicked. She brought me to all sorts of parties, introduced me to her lovers and friends, set me up with a few of her female friends, helped me get dates, etc, etc, while at the same time -expressing- values of being very poly, but still acting very monogamous with me. She began ending some of her other relationships, stopped going out as often, stopped hooking up with people when she did go out (for the most part), seemingly did a 180 on certain topics when she talked about them (monogamous couples vs poly couples, and how she was feeling so monogamous when she was with me, and how it actually felt surprisingly good), and would often text me when out on a date with something along the lines of "why did I go out with this guy, I just want to be back home with you
". I was trying to get into poly at this time, and when we were travelling to Sydney and other bigger cities, we would attend munches with the local poly scene (and she used to live in Sydney for a long time, so she has a lot of close friends in that scene), get invited to parties, play parties, discussion groups and much more. I was learning heaps, but I was finding it difficult to apply it as we were getting very monogamous, and my emotions were kind of welcoming her changing towards mono, even though my head wanted me to be the one changing.
Mostly she would really only be practicing her polyamory (and that's still the case), when she went traveling to visit friends in other cities and countries (she's an expat and has lived in a variety of countries over the past 15+ years so she has friends, fuck-buddies and lovers almost all over the place). I've realized that while I have very little issues with what she does for work (and the level of intimacy she shares with her clients), and what we do with other people when we're at a party, and even when we're only apart for a few days, I am finding it really difficult to deal with her being with others when she goes traveling for multiple weeks (or more).
The way poly has been introduced to me is "multiple loves". Her approach to figuring out if there's something there with someone else is a bit more hands-on than mine. She likes to get the sex out of the way rather quickly just to see if there's any chemistry underneath the covers with whomever it is. This might be related to her work, but also her past of always being very gregarious and enjoying to pick up men (and women), and also having worked within other branches of sex work previously. If whoever she hooks up with isn't good in bed (by her requirements), she loses interest, and prefers figuring that out ASAP.
Me, on the other hand, have always preferred taking it slow. I usually take days and weeks talking, chatting, flirting, hanging out and such before there's ever any sex in the frame. I guess I want to see if I match with the person on a lot of other levels before I want to get into that situation (sex) with them. I had one (1!) one-night stand in all my life leading up to meeting this woman, and that number hasn't really gone up much since. I guess her approach just seems like it's more about the "multiple", and not so much about the "love" (as it is the play/sex/adventure).
See next post for the rest
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