Trying to ease insecurity in my relationship... advice please?

K

Kodana

New member
Just hoping to hear some advice from people who may be more in-the-know than me about these things.

My backstory: I'm a woman in my 30s, married to a lovely wife, and I'm pretty new to the idea of polyamory. When my wife and I first started dating she mentioned being polyamorous, and even went out with a couple guys during that time. I stuck with her even though I didn't like the idea and was extremely jealous and insecure at the time. I always just assumed she'd find someone better and leave me for them. But we talked through it, and eventually got married and have been doing great!

Recently I've actually found myself falling for another girl. This girl is poly too, and between her and my wife I've greatly opened up to the idea of polyamory. My wife and this other girl (let's just call her AA) know each other and are friends, though my wife has expressly told me she's not interested in AA romantically (which is fine). I do however want them to get along, and they usually do. Sometimes it even seems like my wife is flirting along with me. She sometimes talks, at length, about how adorable AA is.

Even though my wife and I have discussed this topic several times, and she's told me she's perfectly okay with me having a girlfriend, she still gets very insecure at times. AA and I are not actually together, but we hang out and flirt a lot. Sometimes I include my wife (if she's interested) and sometimes I don't, but I always ask first.

Sometimes my wife simply removes herself from a situation, or will become quiet and introverted. I try to cheer her up, and we cuddle, and talk, and I remind her that I'm not going anywhere (she frequently asks "You aren't going to leave me, right?"). I even try to assure her that she's the most important thing to me and I wouldn't threaten our marriage for a girlfriend.

I think where some of my wife's insecurity stems from is her last relationship before meeting me. Her ex was not a very good person. Her ex was mean and manipulative and passive-aggressive, and they had very little actual relationship to speak of, while her ex ran around with lots of people on the side. My wife frequently thanks me for not being anything like that, and is greatly appreciative of the way I treat her (I grew up with a pretty unfriendly family so I never wanted to be anything like that). But I think some of her thoughts and feelings from that relationship, which resulted in a nasty divorce, sometimes bleed through and make her worry that I'd leave her the same way her ex did.

For me, what eased my insecurity was understanding polyamory more and why people pursue these types of relationships. There are definitely things about AA that I like and want to share, which my wife isn't interested in, and having two people to turn to is kind of amazing. But my wife is already well-versed in polyamory and has been for quite some time, and we've already talked about these things a lot. So I'm not sure what else I can do other than be supportive.

So my question is, is there anything I can do to help ease her worries? My wife has also pointed out that insecurity isn't necessarily rational, so there may not even be anything I can do about it. Maybe she just needs time and reassurance? Of course, I'm not going to move forward with AA without my wife's approval, but I feel as though I can't do much about her insecurities, and I don't want it to worsen or cause a problem if I do actually start dating. The last thing I want to do is shake up our marriage.
 
Hi Kodana,

I have to say, it's refreshing and wonderful to see a post where the currently-active poly person sounds so considerate and compassionate regarding their partner's insecurities.

It sounds like your wife has a good handle on her emotions and recognises that insecurities just pop up and appear. It is not necessarily possible to 'fix' them, and certainly not immediately :)

Dealing with insecurities is quite a large topic, but here are some places to start:

I do however want them to get along, and they usually do.
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I think it's natural that you want these two special people to get along. I'd advise just keeping it light and giving your wife the space to move at her own pace with her interaction with AA. I've found that the more my partner tries to encourage me to like a metamour (talking them up, telling me how great they are, pointing out things we'd have in common), the more resistant I am. So carry on letting things flow and it has the best chance of working out well.

Sometimes my wife simply removes herself from a situation, or will become quiet and introverted.
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It sounds like your wife is simply trying to deal with her own emotions, which is a great thing.

I try to cheer her up, and we cuddle, and talk, and I remind her that I'm not going anywhere (she frequently asks "You aren't going to leave me, right?"). I even try to assure her that she's the most important thing to me and I wouldn't threaten our marriage for a girlfriend.
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It's never a bad thing to give reassurance! If you're happy to keep offering it, keep offering it! You will not be able to fix your wife's insecurities - this must come from within your wife. Your wife may likely need: a) time and b) evidence. This is an adjustment, so let her go at her own pace. If your wife sees that you are still as doting and loving towards her as you've ever been, it's likely to make the transition easier.

If your wife responds well to humour, the two of you could also come up with a special phrase that you say when she asks something as vulnerable as "you're not going to leave me, are you?". Keeping things a little bit light and humorous greatly helped me when I was struggling. My partner and I came up with a name for my 'insecurity demon' (Bob). Whenever I was super vulnerable, my partner would say something like "That Bob is a mean guy". It would make me smile and help me to feel that my partner was capable of handling stormy weather.

Another thing that could help is to look at the vows you've made to one another. I used to seek reassurance that my partner wouldn't leave me. However, I can never fully believe in anything unless I see some sort of evidence. In the end, it was futile to ask for reassurance on something I could never be reassured of. Additionally, I began to fear that she wouldn't leave me but that she'd physically stay but be emotionally distant/uninterested. I also began to fear that she'd be dishonest.

What helps me is when someone promises that they will be 100% authentic and honest about their inner world. This gives me faith that I won't be taken for a fool or taken for granted. This might be something to talk to her about.

I think where some of my wife's insecurity stems from is her last relationship before meeting me. Her ex was not a very good person. Her ex was mean and manipulative and passive-aggressive, and they had very little actual relationship to speak of, while her ex ran around with lots of people on the side. My wife frequently thanks me for not being anything like that, and is greatly appreciative of the way I treat her
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It's so rough when someone gets treated badly in this way. It can leave deep emotional scars that last a very long time. Just because you are not the same person as her ex, it doesn't mean that these fears will dissipate. All you can do is keep reminding her that her heart is safe with you.

So I'm not sure what else I can do other than be supportive.
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Honestly, this is all you can really do - and it's very helpful in itself!

Other things that make poly easier:

- Remaining consciously present with your wife, still taking her out on dates, still being sexually intimate, still taking an interest in her day, still giving her compliments, etc.
- Not talking about poly/new person 24/7 :)
- Not being glued to your phone texting new person constantly

Also, one of the most important things that we often overlook is to ASK what our partner actually needs!! When your wife is quiet and introspective, does she need you to approach her or not fuss over it? When she's insecure, does reassurance help? Hugs? Going on a date? Patience? Compassion?

For me, I just want to be allowed to feel what I feel. Ideally, I want to be able to tell my partner what I'm feeling and be met with patience, hugs and compassion. My partner, on the other hand, often prefers not to share her insecurities because she believes in 'faking it until you make it'. If my partner shares something, she often seems to want something about the situation to change. Everyone is different - so find out what your wife needs?


Of course, I'm not going to move forward with AA without my wife's approval, but I feel as though I can't do much about her insecurities, and I don't want it to worsen or cause a problem if I do actually start dating.
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It sounds like you're doing great as you are. Keep pacing it and communicating and it should go as smoothly as these things can ever go.

The only other thing I'd suggest is for you to also look at your sense of responsibility and ownership of others' feelings :) One of the best things that you can do as a partner is learn how to handle other people's emotions without becoming freaked out. So, if you end up eventually having sex with AA, for instance, you could predict that your wife may find this very upsetting even if she's given consent. You could help her to feel safe sharing her feelings with you and help her to understand that she doesn't need to feel happy by a certain deadline. For me, knowing that a partner of mine is capable of weathering storms with me is one of the most reassuring things of all! What used to shake me is when I'd feel insecure and my partner would freak out, saying that she'd just stop being poly. That led to me having to reassure her that I didn't want that.

The last thing I want to do is shake up our marriage.
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This is a great thing to say to your wife!
 
sparklepop said:
Hi Kodana,

I have to say, it's refreshing and wonderful to see a post where the currently-active poly person sounds so considerate and compassionate regarding their partner's insecurities.
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I had them too so... I get it. Even if I'm fairly new to all this, it makes sense.

sparklepop said:
If your wife responds well to humour, the two of you could also come up with a special phrase that you say when she asks something as vulnerable as "you're not going to leave me, are you?". Keeping things a little bit light and humorous greatly helped me when I was struggling. My partner and I came up with a name for my 'insecurity demon' (Bob). Whenever I was super vulnerable, my partner would say something like "That Bob is a mean guy". It would make me smile and help me to feel that my partner was capable of handling stormy weather.
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This sounds cute, and yeah we make each other laugh constantly. Both of us do it just because we like making the other smile.

sparklepop said:
Another thing that could help is to look at the vows you've made to one another. I used to seek reassurance that my partner wouldn't leave me. However, I can never fully believe in anything unless I see some sort of evidence. In the end, it was futile to ask for reassurance on something I could never be reassured of. Additionally, I began to fear that she wouldn't leave me but that she'd physically stay but be emotionally distant/uninterested. I also began to fear that she'd be dishonest.
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We have our contract from the wedding on the wall... That's a good idea.

sparklepop said:
- Not talking about poly/new person 24/7 :)
- Not being glued to your phone texting new person constantly
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Okay... this might be one area I can improve on. I've definitely gotten a little bit obsessed with AA lately. When my wife and I chat, I sometimes bring up AA. It's usually something like, "Oh, did you hear about (news article)?" "Yeah, AA mentioned that earlier. She was saying..." Admittedly, I might do this too often. We also play a lot of online games together (including some of our other friends), but I invite AA a lot, though I tend to ask -- even though I doubt my wife would tell me no.

If my wife is busy with her own thing and I have some time, I usually turn to AA to hang out with. So I may be doing that a little too much. Then again, I don't want to cut out all of it (and I don't think she'd expect me to). I guess it's a balancing act.
 
Hi Kodana,

I read your posts with interest and really tried to think of what you could do to reassure your wife. The only things I could think of was, you should give your wife extra time and attention -- more than you'd usually do. But I also agree it's important to not flood your wife with talk about AA ... and when you're with your wife, on a date or whatever, make sure it's about your wife and don't be texting AA repeatedly. That's a mistake people often make when they're in NRE.

Hope that helps,
Kevin T.
 
Sounds like you might lose AA if you keep giving in to your wife's irrational fears. Are you the man or not? Tell her the way it is, and move on with AA. She will see along the way you can be true to both. Selah.
 
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