Trying to figure it out, am i in the wrong?

[Akylla]

So i have been in a monogamous relationship for 12 years. We have 2 children under 3. He has always been jealous thinking im talking to other men. I will admit my libido is at a 0 since having the kids. I recently found a empty condom wrapper in thw back of our car. I questioned him about this and he denied it. I recently changed phone providers for my phone and was checking my bill saw that there was 1000+ msges from his phone number on the same account to an unknown number. Finally he admitted to cheating on me, and started having a conversation on wanting to be poly.
While I feel I could never be in a polyamourus relationship i am trying to understand it. While i am angry he cheated i understand to a point his sexual needs am trying to understand his feelings. He told me he was done with this person. I questioned him tonight if he had been in contact with this person over the last couple of days and he said he was. I was angry and hurt. I have told him i cant try to understand what i would be ok with while he is still talking to this person. I was never given the chance to understand it or figure it out.
we recently moved into a new home and had spoken about him moving into another part of the house while we figure things out, be amicable and still both be around for the children.
He says he still loves me and would do anything for me and wants to be with me, but also this other person. Im not ok with this person continuing a relationship because i feel disrespected by both of them.
I have given him the ultimatium to end this with the other person to give us time to figure things out which he does not want to do. I feel like i cant live under the same roof as him now as he is expecting me to be ok with someone being a part of his life while we try to understand it which i dont know if i will ever be ok with being involved in a poly relationship.
am i being unreasonable? Am i asking too much? I kind of feel that the conversation around poly is an excuse?
Im so tired of the arguing and feeling hurt and disrespected.
Surely it would be better for the children to have 2 happy homes rather than 1 where one of us isnt happy?

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry he cheated on you, lied to you about it, and you had to drag it out of him.

And now it is like he wants to wave the poly brush at it to assuage his guilt like it will make it all ok by magic. It won't.

I have given him the ultimatium to end this with the other person to give us time to figure things out which he does not want to do. I feel like i cant live under the same roof as him now as he is expecting me to be ok with someone being a part of his life while we try to understand it which i dont know if i will ever be ok with being involved in a poly relationship.

An ultimatum is not something people do lightly. They are at the dealbreaker point.

You have your answer. He won't do it. So follow through with the ultimatum. File for divorce and break the deal. That may take some time to plan, you have to speak to people, etc. But you can decide the deal's over.

am i being unreasonable? Am i asking too much? I kind of feel that the conversation around poly is an excuse?

No. You are NOT being unreasonable. You are not asking for too much -- asking him to drop the cheating affair partner as a condition of working things out and rebuilding trust.

I think you are right. The conversation around poly is an excuse so he still gets to see both of you / more people.

He can't even deal with you talking to other guys without getting all jealous. He thinks you are talking to other men even when you are not from the sound of it. So I doubt he'd be fine with you ACTUALLY poly dating. I suspect he hasn't even thought out polyamory and is not esp. educated about it. It's just his last ditch Hail Mary trying to have both of you.

And let's be honest. If YOU wanted to practice polyamory? Why would you want to do it with HIM? People can cheat on their poly agreements too. It's on the character of the person to keep their promises.

So you could break up, heal, educate yourself, then go poly date if you wanted to. And then you get to date new people and start from "neutral." Rather than starting poly from "mess."

Poly right now like THIS mostly benefits him so he can keep seeing both of you. And you don't have to agree to that.

Im so tired of the arguing and feeling hurt and disrespected.

I can see that.

So stop arguing. File for divorce. If you need time to sort business and detangle? If one of you can move out? Do. Separate for a year and then file.

If you cannot move out, talk to a lawyer and see what is needed for "separated under the same roof." I do not know all the rules for that and it may be different where you live.

A couple I knew did their separation year by taking a flat and the parents took turns taking a week at "the kid house" and then at the flat so the kid's lives/house stayed as much the same as possible.

Surely it would be better for the children to have 2 happy homes rather than 1 where one of us isnt happy?

Yes. 2 happy homes would be ideal.

But even 1 happy home with you and an ok enough home with him would offer them RELIEF.

My husband is a child of divorce and they "stayed together for the children" til the last one graduated. It fooled nobody and did nothing. All it did was trap the children in Arguments House and it was hell. He told me that he wishes they would have just done it sooner and then there would have been at least some quiet and space AWAY from the arguments sooner.

I'm sorry this is happening though. This is plain cheating.

You did not want this cheating. So don't let him talk you into doing polyamory that you do not want with him.

Galagirl

 

[Openbook23]

So many introductions lately on this board are people in this situation. So, once again, for the however many'th time, this is NOT polyamory!

A retroactive attempt to turn an affair into poly is NOT poly. Could it become so at some point. I guess it has happened somewhere to someone! But really, this is just him cheating on you, and I'm sorry. It's not OK. Polyamory requires communication and honesty, neither of which is happening here. I'm really sorry your husband cheated on you, and that he's continuing to cheat on you. Coerced polyamory will not be the solution, though. You don't want it, and he only wants it so he can be with both of you. He probably already destroyed your trust forever. At the very least, he won't be able to get it back while he remains with this other person, which he seems determined to do.

I would get a divorce lawyer, if I were in your shoes. But I'm not. If you are asking for advice on how to understand polyamory, then all I can say is that this isn't polyamory. My wife knows what I'm doing. I know what she's doing. We meet each other's partners (sometimes), but at the very least we know who they are, when each of us is seeing other people, etc. That doesn't mean we have to share every detail. That's up to individual people. Some do that; some don't. But it's simply unethical to treat someone the way your husband is treating you right now.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Akylla,

Your partner says he would do anything for you, and yet he won't stop talking to this other person? Looks like yet another instance where he has not been honest with you. He told you he was done with this person, then proceeded to make contact with them. One wonders if you can ever trust him to tell the truth.

I do not think you are in the wrong. I strongly agree with you that two happy homes would be better for the children than one unhappy home.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

will admit my libido is at a 0 since having the kids.

Is this because you're exhausted doing an unfair amount of the work at home? Is it because like a lot of men, he is unskilled, demanding and maybe even unhygienic?

That is understandable. However, if it's more like a hormonal thing where your libido just diminishes, then I do think it's not something one can just pretend isn't happening. I think it's a responsibility to sustain intimacy (not necessarily penetrative sex) in a relationship. If you cannot, I think it's on you to offer alternatives.

I don't think someone can just stop having sexual intimacy with their partner and that be ignored. I've heard of many relationships where the woman stopped sex after kids because she didn't see the point now they're settled with the offspring she desired. I can understand why many men would be anxious to avoid such a situation.

Now he's also cheated on you, he has no reason to believe things will change in your relationship by giving up intimacy with this other woman. You're now also mad with him.

 

[Akylla]

Is this because you're exhausted doing an unfair amount of the work at home? Is it because like a lot of men, he is unskilled, demanding and maybe even unhygienic?

That is understandable. However, if it's more like a hormonal thing where your libido just diminishes, then I do think it's not something one can just pretend isn't happening. I think it's a responsibility to sustain intimacy (not necessarily penetrative sex) in a relationship. If you cannot, I think it's on you to offer alternatives.

I don't think someone can just stop having sexual intimacy with their partner and that be ignored. I've heard of many relationships where the woman stopped sex after kids because she didn't see the point now they're settled with the offspring she desired. I can understand why many men would be anxious to avoid such a situation.

Now he's also cheated on you, he has no reason to believe things will change in your relationship by giving up intimacy with this other woman. You're now also mad with him.

As I originally said. I could understand to some degree.
I am the bread winner in our house. I work full time up anywhere from 4.30am getting the kids organised and most days he is only just waking up when I leave the house at 7am. On my days off he sleeps in. This is where I feel my needs are not being met. I have no time for myself. Lucky if I get 2-3 hours before I am so exhausted I go off to bed. Keeping in mind my 1 year old doesn't sleep in his cot all night either and I am the one up and down all night with him and I'm exhausted. I have nothing left to give to myself let alone give anything to him. So while I understand he has needs so do I.

It's more than him having sex with someone else. It's the fact he says he wants me to still be with him while he is talking to this other person that he refuses to tell me anything about and I'm not comfortable with this person continuing to have a relationship with him due to the disrespect from both of them. I shouldn't have had to drag it out from him if poly was something he wanted he should have spoken to me first and figured this out. And the fact that he is choosing to continue to talk to this person without giving us time to figure things out.

I dont want this person ever to be in my children's lives because I will never trust this person purely because they knew about our situation and it didn't matter to them.

We originally spoke about him moving down stairs and continue to coparent in the same house but I don't feel it is going to be a good environment for anyone if he continues with this person.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

As I originally said. I could understand to some degree.
I am the bread winner in our house. I work full time up anywhere from 4.30am getting the kids organised and most days he is only just waking up when I leave the house at 7am. On my days off he sleeps in. This is where I feel my needs are not being met. I have no time for myself. Lucky if I get 2-3 hours before I am so exhausted I go off to bed. Keeping in mind my 1 year old doesn't sleep in his cot all night either and I am the one up and down all night with him and I'm exhausted. I have nothing left to give to myself let alone give anything to him. So while I understand he has needs so do I.

This is what I mean. This isn't a loss of libido. This is a loss of passion for a substandard partner who zaps your energy

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

and I'm not comfortable with this person continuing to have a relationship with him due to the disrespect from both of them. I shouldn't have had to drag it out from him if poly was

She hasn't disrespected you. She isn't married to you. This is all on your husband.

And the fact that he is choosing to continue to talk to this person without giving us time to figure things out.

This might be because he feels unfairly alienated from affection (wrongly) and thinks it might return to a sexless relationship.

I dont want this person ever to be in my children's lives because I will never trust this person purely because they knew about our situation and it didn't matter to them.

Are you trying to forbid their father contact too? After all, he actually made this promise to you and reneged on it. She didn't. By that logic, she's a safer influence than him.

 

[Magdlyn]

You're the breadwinner? You mean you are the sole breadwinner, or do you mean he also works outside the home, but just makes less money?

If you are the sole breadwinner, he should definitely be stepping up to the plate more with getting the kids up and started on their day. If you have a one year old who needs you at night, maybe to breastfeed, that is understandable. That's part of the mom gig. Even if you're not breastfeeding, maybe the baby wants Mommy at night, not Daddy.

I am just wondering if your h is a full time stay at home dad. Parenting young kids is very hard work. Usually, both parents find it exhausting. However, when I was a stay at home full time mom, and my (ex) h was working outside the home, gone for 10-12 hours a day, he didn't think he needed to do any housework when he got home. Shopping for groceries, cooking meals from scratch, doing the dishes, all the laundry (including his), taking kids to activities and doctor appointments, almost all the yard work/veggie gardening (hiring guys to mow, since he wouldn't do that), taking my car to the garage for maintenance, decluttering the house, vacuuming and washing floors, pet care (feeding them, walking the dog he wanted), that was all on me.

Meanwhile, yes, he was working hard at his job, he had a long commute (an hour), but he got take a shower and poop and get dressed unmolested in the morning, drink the coffee I'd made. Then he got to be around adults all day, go out to fun restaurants with his work friends for lunch for adult conversation. He had clean clothes, a healthy homecooked dinner to look forward to. I even shopped for all his clothes.

No wonder I was too tired for sex most of the time. I sometimes asked him to help with say, laundry, or to sweep the crumbs the kids left on the kitchen floor, and he'd either not to do it, or do it angrily and grudgingly, sulk and bitch at me. Typical patriarchal stuff. All he'd do is play with the kids after I made sure he got to eat dinner without being bothered by the kids. He wouldn't do baths and bedtime unless I asked nicely.

If he did do one of "my" chores, he'd expect sex that very night as payment, as if that one thing would make me get in the mood and feeling pretty and wanting to be sexual. He didn't understand I needed more time for self care than that to feel romantic.

He would let me go out once a month in the evening to my La Leche League meetings (breastfeeding and gentle parenting support group). I'd take the youngest baby with me until it could do without me for 3 hours. But the kids would be a wreck when I got home at 9pm. Unbathed, not in pajamas, cranky, overtired and hyper, having had no snack. He'd complain they were hard to handle. He'd never remember to offer them a snack, then the nice relaxing bath! This went on for years and he never learned. It was weird. lol

Things did improve when our youngest kid turned five. They didn't go to daycare or school. We made the choice for me to stay home and secular homeschool them, which I know is unusual. Just the same, it took five years for our youngest to properly sleep through the night, and then our sex life finally improved greatly.

He admitted years later that he sometimes stopped at a strip club for a lap dance on the way home from work during that dry period. I wasn't even mad. I wasn't completely unsympathetic that he had as strong a libido as ever, when mine was at an all time low from sheer exhaustion and being "touched out" from having kids on my lap or hanging off my leg all day. But we'd made the mutual choice to have kids in the first place. If he couldn't step up to the plate and help more seriously with their care, well then, he got the consequences.