Trying to find a way to adapt

D

DeaCar

New member
How do I adapt to having Old Relationship Energy with my long time love that I've had an on and off relationship with for many years? I believe he feels that more than I do, I still feel both New and Old energy equally.
He spends more regular time with other newer lovers because they live close. He and I live at a distance and we have to spend most of our time right now online. Lately he hasn't been giving me lots of attention and suspect it's due to the ORE. If anyone has any suggestions or ideas to help I would love to hear them.

I have nicely communicated this to him and hope he will find a way to connect with me a bit more.
 
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DeaCar said:
How do I adapt to having Old Relationship Energy with my long time love that I've had an on and off relationship with for many years? I believe he feels that more than I do, I still feel both New and Old energy equally.
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I've coined the term Established Relationship Intimacy- the deep love that comes from knowing someone well and still being really amazed by them and in love.

You can still feel really intensely about someone even if you've been together for years. Some people do fall more and more in love with their partners, the longer they have been together. So I assume that is what you, personally, feel.

He spends more regular time with other newer lovers because they live close. He and I live at a distance, and we have to spend most of our time right now online. Lately he hasn't been giving me lots of attention, and suspect it's due to the ORE. I have nicely communicated this to him and hope he will find a way to connect with me a bit more.
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Many people do get carried away in NRE for the new and shiny lover or lovers, neglecting their established partner(s). This is not how to be ethically poly.

However, LDRs are notoriously hard to maintain! Some people are just not cut out for them, especially if one of their love languages is physical touch. You might have a disconnect that will be hard to bridge. Talking it out over computers or cell phones might not help much.
 
I don't know my love language, other than I'm a natural giver.

We've had a LDR for years on and off and it's always been hard for me because I love him so much. I long for him. And now that we've made plans to live together, in a few years with another of his lovers after his child is grown, that longing has become stronger. It's as if I need to pull away if the next few years of being at a distance is going to work. We are only 3 hours away but right now he's stretched for time to see me (lovers and kids weekends). He did just see me 2 weeks ago and reconfirmed he wants to spend more time but just hasn't figured out how to do that yet.

I wish I had another lover but my area is super conservative and I'm leary about meeting men online. That would actually be a wonderful option but until that happens I have to find another way to cope.
 
I took a love languages quiz and found out I'm both (the same high number), Quality Time and Words of Affirmation. Maybe this is why we have been able to withstand distance for many years.
 
Maybe there should be a new term, Long Distance Relationship Energy, or LDRE. For me LDR always tend to fizzle out over time. I get to the point where it's unfulfilling and seems a waste of time. Maybe the thought of another three years is wearing on you.
 
I think he and I are an anomaly. This has been going on for many many years and when we see each other it's like we've never parted. I've never experienced this with anyone else and seems like a relationship that is worth fighting for. Being on here, getting heard and supported seems to be helping. It's also motivated me to learn my love language which helps to make sense of what's going on so I can communicate more clearly my wants/needs to him.
 
Hello DeaCar,

LDRs are usually very hard to navigate; they can often be very painful. Loving someone so much, and not being able to be with them, that can really sting deep inside your soul. You said he hasn't been giving you much attention and you suspect it's due to ORE. But he says he *wants* to spend more time, but hasn't figured out how to do that. Do you completely believe him? What's stopping him from spending more time? Surely it's not ORE if he can't figure out how to spend more time, if he wants to, he must be motivated to try. Perhaps this is the thing that is making you hurt inside. On some level, you wonder if he really wants to spend more time like he says he does. Is that a possibility?

How many years will you have to wait before you can move in with him? How often does he contact you? When you reach out, does he respond? Do you just need more contacting (e.g. online), or do you need him to visit you more in person? Contacting you remotely seems to me like something he could do fairly easily; visiting you more in person, not so much. If you can't move in with him right now, can you move to live much closer to him? same city, same neighborhood? What about living next door to him (for a few years)? Is his area more liberal? Maybe if you lived near him you could also find another lover for yourself.

If learning to cope is all you can do about it right now, maybe the thing to do is find a way to pass the time ... a hobby, something that interests you. Also you may get some ideas from this post: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?p=292690

It sounds like you are really hurting. I'm sorry that's happening to you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
DeaCar said:
How do I adapt to having Old Relationship Energy with my long time love that I've had an on and off relationship with for many years? .... I have nicely communicated this to him and hope he will find a way to connect with me a bit more.
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Sounds like you're doing things right. Relationships evolve. If you just keep doing things right ( being honest, appreciative, respectful, and communicating ), you'll adapt just fine to whatever happens, even if it isn't what you might have imagined at the start.
 
Magdlyn said:
I've coined the term Established Relationship Intimacy- the deep love that comes from knowing someone well and still being really amazed by them and in love.
Click to expand...
I like it ( ERI ).
I think it works well with HARC ( honesty, appreciation, respect, & communication ).
HARC, in theory, should be very helpful in building ERI. Or are we just overthinking things like poly people often do?
 
Thank you all for giving me much insight and possible ideas to put into action. I can't move right now but definitely will be able in a few years and that would help and make a difference, including finding others since it is a more liberal city. Getting more involved with hobbies etc sounds like a great idea.

I communicated my thoughts and feelings and he positively responded. Sometimes it's about getting the courage to face issues and in this case the courage paid off.
 
Glad to hear that our responses are helping, and that he (your long time love) responded agreeably to how you felt. I hope you'll keep us posted!
 
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