Trying to make it work in an open relationship

M

Muns1

New member
I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost a year, about 4 months in he told me he wanted an open relationship. Which I went along with because I do not want to loose him. He is very outgoing and very likable, while I’m very shy and reserved.
After a scare with one of the relationships we decided that it was time to calm it down with the ransoms. And he now told me that he’s falling for this other girl, but still in love with me. I’m at a loss of what to do. I just moved in with him, and I don’t want to move back to my parents basement. I just feel like I cannot compete with her
 
It may be that he's poly, and the open relationship made that clear to him.

I would also suggest that you not think of her as competition, but a parallel relationship. Unless she's out to replace you, or he is, then it may work out if you are willing and able to handle it. There will surely be an infatuation period between them, but it will eventually fade, and your relationship will probably go on.

You could also consider dating others, yourself. A profile on any dating site will probably get you dates, especially if you say you're looking for casual as well as more serious scenarios. Doing so may provide confidence while this plays out, and also give you options. An open relationship is primarily about sex, and perhaps friendship, after all. A poly relationship includes love for another, beyond friendship. One can become the other, depending on the people and circumstances.

Bottom line, it's what you can handle, and how you handle it. Taking proactive steps to date as well may help you cope. If you are strictly monogamous, though, it will be harder, and you'll have to decide if this will work for you given your different views on relationships.
 
I am sorry you struggle. You seem pretty sad. :(

I mean this kindly, ok? It may not be what you want to hear. :eek:

Are you monoamorous (want to love 1 sweetie) and prefer monogamous relationship shapes that are 1:1, no other people? Not crazy about him having random NSA casual sex, and not crazy about him having another serious GF either?

If so... why are you going against your own grain and participating in (an open/poly shape) thing that is not (1:1 shape) like you prefer?

If he is not into doing Closed/Monogamous? And you are not into doing Open/Poly as a mono endpoint in a "V" or similar? Then you guys might like or love each other a lot... but it is not enough if you are in the wrong relationship shape. That's the road to heartache for one or the other if you guys want different relationship shape models. He would be sad in a Closed thing, you would be sad in an open/poly thing. :(

Sometimes the most loving thing one can do is set each other free. Then he is free TO open/poly date and you are free FROM all that.

about 4 months in he told me he wanted an open relationship. Which I went along with because I do not want to loose him.
Click to expand...

Are you participating in an open/poly thing (even though you don't really want to be doing either) in order to avoid breaking up? If you are doing this... I suggest you stop bending yourself into pretzels. It doesn't sound like doing that behavior is making you happy. :(

Might have to come to terms with the fact that breaking up is sometimes part of dating. Not everyone you date will be deeply compatible or a long haul runner.

Dating is how you sort all that out and find the deeply compatible ones.

When you date, you could not compromise your values or sacrifice yourself for the relationship. In a healthy relationship you have to be able to say "I love you. But not even for you will I do stuff that hurts me. " If participating in this is hurting you? You could stop.

I’m at a loss of what to do. I just moved in with him, and I don’t want to move back to my parents basement. I just feel like I cannot compete with her
Click to expand...

Could not compete. Could stop participating in things that upset you.

If you don't want to move to your parents' basement, consider moving out to a flat of your own.

Or if you need to move back home as a stepping stone to moving out to a flat of your own -- could do that.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Muns1,

I moved your thread from Life Stories and Blogs section to the Poly Relationships Corner. Life Stories and Blogs are really meant for community members to post about their life - it is very much like an online diary. It's not really meant to be a section in which to ask for advice. (No worries - this is not particularly obvious to newer folks.)

Look, I realize you don't want to move back to your parent's basement. That would indeed be a bummer. But unless they abuse or demean you, moving out is likely to be less painful than trying to fit into a relationship where you want different things. It is ok to be monogamous. It works really well for lots of people. And it is ok to want a monogamous partner. However, that's not this guy. Sometimes we love good, decent people with whom we are just not compatible. It's a terrible lesson, but a critical one. Love is not enough to be compatible. Love is not enough to stay in a relationship when there are fundamental issues.

You sound miserable. You do not have to be. It is ok to end a relationship where there is a fundamental incompatibility. There is a thing called the 'sunk cost fallacy' where basically the amount of time already put into anything (a business, a relationship, etc.) prevents people from ending their involvement when it becomes clear it's not working. You've put a year into this already. You do not have to put in any more. You have given it a try. You don't have to any more.
 
Hello Muns1,

You seem to be more okay with open (no falling in love, e.g. random/casual) than with poly (falling in love, emotional involvement). Poly seems to scare you that you will be replaced. Or at least demoted. And it's possible that you could be replaced/demoted, but the idea behind poly is supposed to be that one can love multiple partners at a time. Although, that does assume that your boyfriend can handle poly in the right way. But what about you? Are you able to live with poly? Is there any way you could be okay with it? If not, could your boyfriend give it up? Would he be miserable if he did?

How can we help?
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top