TTC + new love interest, lots of emotions..

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noonoo

New member
TTC + partner's new love interest, lots of emotions..

Hi,
Long post! Looking for some insights, advice, similar experiences..

A bit of backstory:

My partner (H) and I (both just shy of 30) met five years ago, it was made clear from the start that we both desire openness and honesty in our relationship. Neither of us had experienced being open/poly, so it's been a bit of a slow and rollercoastery learning curve!
During our relationship so far we've both had a few "casual" experiences with other people, I also had a short relationship with a guy I met at work (kinda fell for him too but not really), then H dated a girl he met through our friends for a short while but that didn't work out either. I've given him plenty of rough time for his exploring (I've always wanted to be supportive but my emotions have been pretty overwhelming, also I was really uncomfortable with him dating someone in our friend circle..) so unfortunately he has a few doubts about if I "really" want a poly lifestyle. H on the other hand has been extremely supportive, encouraging and even turned on by me sharing love with someone else - so I guess sometimes it's hard for him to understand why I'm moving a bit slower than he does.

We lost a (unplanned but very warmly wanted) baby a year and a half ago when I was just shy of six months pregnant. Losing our daughter was really rough for both of us, but we bonded immeasurably through it all. We have been trying to conceive again in the last four-five months or so.

Current situation:

H's got a new love interest. They've been chatting incessantly online and also met up a little while ago/fancied each other a fair bit. A new meet up is scheduled in a few weeks. She's in a long-term, currently long-distance relationship with her partner who's also polyamorous. It'd be the first experience of the kind for her though. All very honest, new and... poorly timed?
I feel extreme amounts of anxiety about the possible combining of my new pregnancy and H's new (the first "real"?) girlfriend. I'm confident in H's love and devotion to me but very scared I'll be feeling lonely and left out, dealing with the emotions of being pregnant again as well as him being in love with this new person.
I really want to be supportive, after all I do understand how exciting a new relationship is, but I'm not entirely sure how to approach it all.. and of course there's no real knowing how/if their relationship will develop, nor how long it would take me to conceive again.

Should we put off TTC until the new situation has settled? (It'd be really sad since we really are in the babymaking mindset (also the "empty hands syndrom"))
Should we just deal with everything as it develops? (scary! I know him having a new gf during my pregnancy would shake me up quite a bit.)
Should I ask him not to pursue the new relationship for the sake of us being comfortable during pregnancy/new baby? (that seems mean and unfair, also he's really keen to "prove" I'm OK with polyamory so it'd do a fair bit of damage if I asked him that)

H's confident we can deal with everything as it comes and I should just relax a bit and trust in his love. I kinda agree. We have a very strong relationship and it'd take a lot to break it. I don't know. What are the questions to ask, things to consider? Is he being selfish? Am I being too emotional? How to we make it all work happily? What about her - she's possibly entering a relationship with a new baby happening - what are the things to discuss there?

Thanks for reading :) Again, any input appreciated.
 
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Starting a new family and a new outside relationship don't mix.

Pregnancy and small kids under 5 are very hard.

Being stuck at home with a fussy baby 24/7 (heck even a happy baby) then have your partners attention on another. When you need help a break or etc. That is a recipe for disaster.

For example you have spent your day stuck watching the Sprout network on TV. You smell like spit up. You can't shower let alone find 5 minutes to pee. The baby is fussy wants to be held/nurse constantly because they are teething. You have gotten maybe 2 hours sleep in a row the last few nights. Then your fiance comes home to get ready to go out for date night. Does this sound like fun?

Either focus on having a baby or the other relationship you can't have both.
 
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Me? I would go with talk first.
  • Discuss if genetic monogamy is the plan or if he plans to have kids with a GF in future or what.
  • What BC to use after baby born?
  • What role father will have in newborn - 5 yrs old kid's life? Because that's pretty intense. What will be the mom/dad division of labor there?
  • What role GF (if she sticks around) will have in parenting the new baby. Maybe you don't want her taking any parent roles with you kid, or she doesn't want any.

Do not assume. Actually talk ahead of time.

Then GF. Stabilize all that, then deal with TTC and baby.

Because it would suck the other way around if things do not work out and you guys break up.

If it goes GF, and y'all break up down to all single? That stinks.

But if it goes baby, then gf, then y'all break up down to all single, and you single parenting with sole custody or coparenting with joint custody with a wacky ex? That stinks to a different level of stink.

Cannot plan for everything in Life, but can try to minimize getting into the "too crazy for me" spaces somewhat.

Galagirl
 
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noonoo said:
We lost a (unplanned but very warmly wanted) baby a year and a half ago when I was just shy of six months pregnant. Losing our daughter was really rough for both of us, but we bonded immeasurably through it all. We have been trying to conceive again in the last four-five months or so.

Current situation:

H's got a new love interest. They've been chatting incessantly online and also met up a little while ago/fancied each other a fair bit. A new meet up is scheduled in a few weeks. She's in a long-term, currently long-distance relationship with her partner who's also polyamorous. It'd be the first experience of the kind for her though. All very honest, new and... poorly timed?
Click to expand...

You and he have to decide together which you want to do: try for another baby or develop relationships with other people. Dagferi is right that new babies are extreme stress on a relationship. Nobody tells you this, but the first year after delivery can be hell on earth, even when everything goes right. H's love for you is not in question, but love doesn't prevent all of the hormonal, emotional and physical seismic changes from happening. You have no idea how enormously challenging it is to care for a newborn to one year old. Then when you survive that, your baby becomes a toddler and the challenges increase. I guarantee you that something is gonna give, whether it's your sanity or the girlfriend hits the bricks. It might look doable all mapped out ahead of time, and yes, you'll do your best to "communicate" about everything, but I'm telling you there are few experiences more emotionally and physically exhausting and crazy-making than caring for babies and toddlers. H assuring you that his love will see you through just tells me that he has no idea what he is talking about!

On top of the challenges of a typical baby, you will be dealing with the echoes of the tremendous loss of your first child. I've been through 6 month losses with two very dear friends and can assure you that this next pregnancy will have many trigger points along the way. If your BF is "chatting incessantly online" at the same time or otherwise making googly eyes at a new love interest, it's going to be more for you than any human can possibly bear. Again, I think you have no idea what you're getting into here.
 
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For optimal sanity? One or the other. Not both at once.
If he is set on pursuing this interest, then I agree with GalaGirl. Settle first, baby later, IF you are willing to wait.
Depending on how old you are, though, the longer you wait, harder it can to be conceive.

I have been in the place of pregnant while SO is dating. Twice. And am again home with an infant (and a three-nager!) while SO dates after being gone at work all day. It can lead to feelings of anger and bitterness if not handled carefully. Work out who does what and when beforehand.
 
Hi noonoo,

Re (from OP):
"Should we put off TTC until the new situation has settled?"
Click to expand...

That's the one I'd vote for, but it sounds like H wants to go ahead with TTC and the new relationship at the same time (and you're in agreement?).

I agree with the others that caring for a newborn is unimaginably hard (all by itself). Truly a labor of love.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi again and thank you kindly for all your replies.

This is where we are just now:

H and I talked a bit about it all a few days ago. I explained that as it stands at the moment, I feel extremely uncomfortable with the idea of being pregnant while he's developing a new relationship, not to mention while we're caring for a new baby. That in fact, it has to be one or the other.

H does still want to go ahead with pursuing this new love interest - and with the baby, too. He suggested that when I do get pregnant, I'd get to say how fast or slow he can move with the girlfriend (something I don't want to do since it'd be...not nice and I'd eventually end up being the bad guy probably). He's confident their relationship wouldn't get in the way anyway, apart from maybe us having a little less time together. When I explained my fear of being neglected while he's busy being in love with this new girl, he said all his possible "falling in love" is probably already done, that they'd likely just be good friends that also fancy each other (and have sex and stuff).

So, what I'm wondering is if:
  • He's expecting the new relationship to be pretty casual, sort of "friends with benefits"?
  • He wants to "prove" I'm ok with him dating someone else (since I've been quite emotional about his experiences in the past)?
  • He likes the idea of a new relationship with her (as he's not really had multiple relationships at once and we're supposed to be polyamorous and stuff)?
  • He just wants to have his cake and eat it too (i.e. have a girlfriend and a baby), and just tells me stuff to appease me?
  • Maybe I'm getting it all wrong and he does really believe, however naive, that whatever happens we can work it all out and it's all just that easy?

I can understand him, really. We are both inexperienced in the "amorous" side of poly and then this girl came along (first time H's had an opportunity for a "real" poly relationship) and he's reluctant to let it go. And he really doesn't have feelings of jealousy and fear etc the way I do, hence he feels it should be easy for me, too. Of course he's never been pregnant, either! :rolleyes:
It all reads pretty sarcastic and a bit juvenile, now that I've written it down :p Maybe it's because I now also struggle a bit with feelings of resentment and it reflects in my describing the situation. It feels a bit like we're playing tug of war! Anyway, I'd be happy for him to see where this relationship goes, in itself. I trust in him being honest to everyone involved and I have no doubts in our relationship staying strong alongside it.
I just feel sad that us trying to conceive has to wait. We were really set on getting pregnant again and I feel so lost letting it go for an unknown lenght of time. And HappilyFallenAngel is right that this new pregnancy is going to have many trigger points along the way, starting from probably crying for hours when I find out (again) to seeing the first ultrasound (again) to hearing the baby's heartbeat (again) to feeling it's movements (again) together with the constant fear of what happened last time happening again! Maybe I really aren't "truly polyamorous" if I don't want to combine any of it with him having another (new) relationship alongside ours.
 
GalaGirl said:
Me? I would go with talk first.
  • Discuss if genetic monogamy is the plan or if he plans to have kids with a GF in future or what.
  • What BC to use after baby born?
  • What role father will have in newborn - 5 yrs old kid's life? Because that's pretty intense. What will be the mom/dad division of labor there?
  • What role GF (if she sticks around) will have in parenting the new baby. Maybe you don't want her taking any parent roles with you kid, or she doesn't want any.
Click to expand...

  • We've decided to have kids with each other, but are also open to the possibility of our ideas and relationships changing in the long run. If at some point in the (more distant) future either of us decides/wants to have kids with someone else, it'll probably be because we are comfortable in the situation/relationships we are in at that point and then it can be discussed. As it stands for now, we want kids with each other only.
    (BTW, when I got pregnant the first time, it happened exactly during the brief fling I had with a guy I worked with - and although it was 99% H-s baby, we discussed the possibility that it might not be - H said he doesn't need to be the biological father to love the child. Similarily, I am principally open to him having kids with someone else in the future, as long as I understand the situation - although if he decides to run off tomorrow to get someone else pregnant, I might be a bit hurt! :p)
  • We haven't discussed BC after baby yet, but I'm sure we'll do well in future family planning. The first baby happened because we were fine with the small possibility of getting pregnant and were somewhat loose with BC.
  • He does want to be very involved in his kids' lives as well as sharing responsibilities in parenting. I hope he doesn't reconsider after having to change his first nappy haha!
  • I asked him that, he said I'm thinking too far ahead and most relationships don't even last that long (a year or so in this case). But if she's around when baby's born then we'll see what each of us thinks at that point. And if it proves too hard for her or otherwise doesn't work out between them, then it wasn't meant to be.

You're all probably much more experienced than us two (three?) are in all of this, so maybe all this talk is horribly naive! I do believe in H and I's devotion to each other, and I also believe in me being me (and not a half of a relationship) - so a part of me kinda does want to go with "lets go along and see" approach. Of course, as GalaGirl said, if I get pregnant and then we break up to all single with all this experimenting, it would suck immeasurably.
 
Mu husband had booty calls during both my pregnancies and after but that's all he had time for. Your partner needs to be realistic with how much time he will have for another love and they need to know that for a couple years his time will be extremely limited.
 
If he insisted on pursuing a new relationship I would put ttc on the back burner until this new relationship has settled (no more NRE) and you guys are in a good place emotionally. Of course it will still stand that when you do get pg and baby is there it will severely limit his time with his other partners so this potential partner will need to be notified of your future plans because she might not like to have her time reduced and that may cause issues later
 
Re (from noonoo):
"Maybe I'm getting it all wrong and he does really believe, however naive, that whatever happens we can work it all out and it's all just that easy?"
Click to expand...

He probably does really believe that. And maybe you can "do it all at once." But I bet it won't be as easy as he thinks ...
 
Having a baby is not going to help a tense situation. You have to be on page 1 together and well grounded to have a and raise a child. Is the girl friend going to have a part in the workings of the relationship and raising your child? Or is she just on the side for him, so he can escape from stress. We would not give up our daughter, we also lost a son 3 years before she was born. It is hard. But we are inseperable and never apart if we can avoid it.
 
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