Turnabout

Living situation -- still living under the same roof, trying to keep my damn mouth shut and not be snarky and nasty... not being very successful. :(
 
Carma,

I think in this situation you are unfortunately miles ahead of Sun. Can he, is he willing to put in the effort to catch up? Not yet anyway. If counseling ever materializes I'd start with the list and thoughts you wrote on the last few pages. I think the top five you listed for him seems very reasonable and a good starting point. I'd love to see his top five list ? for himself and his list for you.

With the holidays approaching perhaps you will find the love and comfort of family and friends .... could be a very nice distraction from all this.

Good luck, D
 
Hi, Carma!
Just to let you know that I'm following the thread. I haven't got anything to add to what I've already written (or others have written), except that it seems that you are making progress. Good for you! Don't get big-headed, but DO be proud of yourself now and then.

Oh, yeah (SORRY!) I DO have one thing to add. Try to listen to "The Last Word" by Mary Chapin Carpenter and pay attention to the lyrics! I know that it's on YouTube, but I can't send you a link just now, because the mobile phone connection that I'm using these days is SOOOOOOOOOOOOO lazy...

Hugs and pats on the back,
MFFR
 
I listened to the Mary Chapin Carpenter song, MFFR. Thanks, it was food for thought. And oh, believe me, I LISTEN TO LYRICS. ;)

I'm feeling a lot of confusion and mixed emotions today. :confused::(

Sundance stayed up north last night. He didn't call or text me at all, and no e-mails either. We were so co-dependent, which I know was not healthy, but now it is like, POOF. Gone. Dead silence.

I figure that's because he's being co-dependent with her.

Which -- is not my problem right now. It's me, trying to deal with the absence of unhealthy behavior. What am I going to fill that space up with?? I focused on the kids, and cleaning up the house, and I read my new More magazine that came yesterday. I had a good night's sleep. I'm OK.

Right? I'm ok. Even if it doesn't FEEL like I'm ok. It feels so strange. So quiet. So empty, not to have Sundance swirling around in my life.

Even the unhealthy behavior is more comforting than this unsettling feeling. I have to remind myself, that this is NORMAL. Feeling these feelings, going through the adjustment. I sometimes feel a desperate, overwhelming urge to call Sundance and beg him for us to be together again -- but that only puts a band-aid on something I'm not sure is even bleeding anymore -- it could just be dead. :( Whatever it is, I think it needs AIR....

I'm still open to going to a counselor. I know I can't go on my own feelings or perceptions, or Sundance's words, to determine whether this relationship is too far gone or not. At this point I'm perceiving his actions as complete and utter abandonment. Although we'll both be home again this weekend, and he'll still be telling me there's hope...

:(
 
In my experience it just takes some time. It doesn't HELP that he's there in the house, but really it's just going to take some time and distance and things will stop feeling so crazy in your head. It's really only been a very short time... though I know it seems like forever!

Of course you're used to SK around-- but is/was that enough? I think you know your own answer to that.

I'm thinking you might need something else to focus on... like a hobby or a class, or something-- to go and do and get into. Sitting at home just isn't cutting it, that's for sure.

Do you have any girlfriends you can go out with once in a while on the weekend? Plan a girls' night and just tell SK you're going, he can stay with the kids. Or find a babysitter if he won't do that. It's amazing what a few hours away with friends can do!

I know some of these might not be possible, but definitely you need some outside thing to do to get your mind focused on something FUN. That preferably has nothing to do with men. LOL :)
 
Things are really, really bad for me right now. :( Crazy. I can't really write about it now but I just wanted to say thanks to all of you for your feedback and support. Poly turned out to be a bust for me, for my marriage, for our family, but the radical honesty I found here was so helpful and I will never forget that. I don't know what the future holds for us -- monogamy or divorce. I'm sad and I'm scared. :(
 
I'm glad that you know you can come here for support, Carma. If we were present with each other physically I'd certainly give you a big hug. This is woefully inadequate, but it's true and it's all I can really say at the moment -- it will get better.
 
I was thinking of you this morning and hoping you hadn't posted because things were going well. I am sorry things are going badly, and hope you're doing your best to take care of yourself Carma.
 
Oh Carma, I'm sorry to hear things have gotten worse and that you are feeling sad and scared. Don't blame poly, though. I think at some point you might feel that it was one of the things that helped you see what was already going in your marriage. I hope you're still getting support wherever you can in the real world, but you know you always have us in the virtual world. You can PM me if you don't feel like posting publicly.

Hang in there, sweetie!
 
A BIG hug, Carma!

You write that poly is a big bust for you, but didn't you get something positive out of it? Even if you never get back to a loving relationship with Butch Cassidy, the time you had with him was good, wasn't it? And if it hadn't been for the whole poly roller-coaster ride, you'd still be thinking that SK was treating you fabulously. [Perhaps he would have been treating you well, at that. But I don't think that you should blame poly for SK's inability to deal with you honestly.] Would you rather still be wandering around with blinkers on?

I myself am currently going through some problems with some friends of mine. But that doesn't mean that I reject their friendship... or reject friendship in general.

But in the end, it's you who has to decide for yourself the best path to take. it might well be that poly doesn't have a place on that path. Whatever your path, I wish you courage and love to accompany you.

As others have written, if you wish to PM me, feel free.
 
Holidays in a frayed marriage are so difficult. I am hoping to just get through them as peacefully as possible. But it is really hard, as Sundance and I are finally starting to ARGUE, and it feels better than the horrible awkward silence we've been suffering in for months!

I know I will never get past all the duplicity, as you have all read here throughout my journey. It's not about forgiveness, it's about the capacity he seems to have for lying. He feels lying can be justified, for any number of reasons. He also feels it is ok to tell people what they want to hear, to candy-coat things and make them sound soooooo pretty.....

He's begging me not to divorce him, but he's still seeing her*, and all the problems we've been ignoring in our marriage are right before my eyes now. I feel like I was wearing rose-colored glasses, I took them off, and now I can't put them back on. It's sad, and I'm grieving. But my greatest hope is that we can end the marriage as amicably as possible, and go on to build a new friendship as partners in parenting. (He is greatly opposed to this! He adamantly refuses to consider separating. But I can't live like this. :( )

*He says she is now just his friend and his confidante. Bullshit. She is his back-up plan. I'm glad he has one -- I just hate that he lies about it. Sad.
 
We did go to a marriage counselor, by the way! (A woman, as Sundance requested). We've been to two sessions. The first one was ok, the second one I was so angry I couldn't see straight. At least I am starting to express my anger, something I have never done (I always stuffed it and it became DEPRESSION instead).

Sundance is a master at saying what you want to hear. At this point, all I want to hear is, "I will work with you to find a way to end this marriage with dignity and make things as easy on the kids as we can." DREAM ON, CARMA. He says I am selfish. Wow, maybe I am. !
 
Out of curiosity, and maybe I missed it in previous posts: Have you laid down any conditions for repairing the marriage, or is it separation without any other options you're willing to discuss now?

Sorry you're going through this time, but hopefully your anger will pass someday soon. Regardless of how it ends in the marriage, perpetual anger will eventually turn into a self-poison that touches everything around you. Even after you remove the source of anger. Beware of that.

Take care!
 
Awww, Carma, I ended my marriage after 34 years and it was such a relief! No more bs, no more tiptoeing around issues, just freedom to be myself, authentic and clear.

If I can get there, anyone can.
 
Thanks mags. It's good to hear from the other side. I was divorced once before but it was not a hard decision as I never loved my first husband. I married him (and stayed 11 years) out of fear. He was very manipulative.

Sundance and I have had love. He's not a terrible person; I think our biggest obstacle has been his 2 hour job commute. There are lots of other issues. Monkey you asked about conditions for saving the marriage and my heart grew heavy. I feel Sundance deserves unconditional love that I cannot give him as a partner. I have been challenging him to grow and change and "improve" himself our entire marriage. That so totally sucks for him! Now he finally finds a woman who is crazy for him just as he is. But he says he wants me. My nickname says it all. I've been his bad karma coming back to kick his ass long enough. I wish he'd stop punishing himself. I need things in a partner he would have to work so hard to obtain. Our values are so different. I don't want him to change FOR ME. And he's never wanted to change for himself. So it seems we are at a standstill.

Sometimes I'm tempted to reconsider polyamory til our kids are grown. But poly takes such extraordinary trust and honesty. And that is so broken it would be highly unlikely we could repair the damage. If you read back through my blog you can see some of the issues and you can see where some pretty insightful objective readers thought there were cold hard deal breakers occurring. Red flags I chose to ignore for years actually.

Well we're still seeing the counselor and sorting things out so who knows. We are creative people with open hearts and minds like so many here on this forum. So I am still anticipating an adventure, whichever way this thing called life chooses to lead. Much love to you all for reading and caring enough about my little life. What a gift this forum has been for me. :)
 
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