Turns out she's not as comfortable as she said she was

A2Poly

A2Poly

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I've been under the belief that if she said she was ok that she was. She says that she kept offering time for us to spend together because she thought we wanted it and she wants us to be happy, but she wasn't really ok with it. That she was trying to be the 'perfect poly partner'. But that she's exausted and can't do it anymore.

Now she says it it too intense, and too frequent. And she keeps saying that every 6-8 weeks has been too much, but it's actually been every 4 weeks... So I'm not sure what to believe. Has she talked herself into believing it is every 6-8 weeks? How do you not know that Jan 16 and Feb 12 are less than 8 weeks apart? If we moved to every 8 weeks would that be better for her? We were talking about it anyway (he and I).

Or if I agree to her current 'ideal' (as it stands right now) of seeing him alone every 3-4 months (plus visits to their house as a friend, plus maybe the odd trip with her/the kids) can I live with that? Will the length of time between seeing him mean that it becomes less intense? Will we just fade away?

I thought we were moving towards a stability, that the ups and downs were smoothing out. But now I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me. Again. I don't know how to be 'less in love' without being 'not in love anymore' and I'm not even really sure how to do that.
 
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I'm really sorry to hear how hard things are for you now, A2Poly. (((hugs if you want them))).

I'm not sure how much this is for you to know/ask versus Mal, but I'm wondering what is so exhausting for her. Is it the time spent together when she's on her own? Responsibilities at home? Not feeling valued in her relationship with Mal? Grieving over the lost of her previously mono (I think) relationship? Something completely different?

I get Djinn feeling exhausted - I understand how exhausting "stretching" can be when you're changing the relationship structure. But during those times, I try to figure out what am I feeling (e.g., jealous, insecure, hurt, lonely, sad, angry) and what needs I feel aren't being met in my relationship with Roger (e.g., disconnected, not feeling special, needing more communication). Instead of telling him and Taylor to spend less time together, I try to focus on what Roger and I can do to help me feel more comfortable. Instead of "I'm exhausted and I want you to spend less time," it's "I'm exhausted by the obligations at home. Our to-do list is a mile long. How do you suggest we work on this?". Much more focus on US, not THEM. I know I'm preaching to the choir here, but I do wonder if this could be something for Mal to take into consideration in addressing how hard this is on Djinn, without reducing your and his time together.

I do hope you're able to figure out a way through this without too much sacrifice on your end.
 
She said she is exhausted by all the emotional processing. That since he told her he was 'falling in love with me' in January that it has been a constant escalation with another 'new thing' to deal with all the time. That it started as a sweet escape, and turned into a full on poly V with all it's constant processing required, and it's all too much.

And there have been. I had surgery and a bout of post-op depression, he told his sister and mom, and my daughter has been vocally non-supportive. Then there was the whole Vday debacle when she thought her be ok with him here but she wasn't.

And then this weekend that seemed to go so well (lots of 'I'm so happy you are here') was apparently induced by the pot I didn't know she was using. I don't use, or know anyone else who does so had no idea. But she was 'self medicating' to get through it. That makes me feel so horrible. You have to be high to see your best friend? We are doing something wrong.
 
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Inyourendo said:
Do you think you and she will continue a friendship if the romantic relationship with your boyfriend ends?
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Yes. Though I'm less sure of that today than I ever have been. Actually, I think that the best way to do that imight be to break up sooner rather than later. But I don't want to hurt him either.
 
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Well, I don't know if this would be helpful at all, but when Roger first started dating Taylor, I definitely got to a point when it was "all too much." But my all too much meant "I can't process new things for a while. I don't want to end our relationship or for you to end things with Taylor, but I need some stability. I need some time." This may or may not be where Djinn is. I can definitely understand how hard it is to open a relationship that's been mono for a long while.

A few months later, I was feeling in a much better place, after getting some major support from other poly friends, this forum, and my therapist. I'm much more able to stretch. I needed time to process at my pace, not the speed of their relationship, and I needed consistency for a while. No doubt they continued deepening their relationship, but I do know that Roger limited what he shared with me and time he spent with her.

Just wanted to note that she may really just need some time where things are slowed for a bit. Depends on if she really believes in opening her relationship with Mal or not, I guess.
 
reflections said:
Just wanted to note that she may really just need some time where things are slowed for a bit. Depends on if she really believes in opening her relationship with Mal or not, I guess.
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She certainly tells both he and I that she is happy that he is happier, and that she and I are closer. And thinks that they would be divorced if I wasn't involved with them. But then also says (to him, not me) that she is sure that one of these times he's not going to come home from a visit with me, that she is sure he will leave her. And that she can't leave because she can't afford to. She calls it a golden cage. He is consistent in telling her that won't happen, that he is committed to her but it never seems to be enough. Every month or so we go through this.

Maybe it is tied to frequency of visits when I say it like that. I get nervous before the visits (sure he won't come), and then she gets nervous after (sure he won't come back). Jeez, we are a pair, aren't we?!
 
I suspect the frequency is not really the issue, but there are deeper issues that need to be resolved. I think that sometimes little rules are a way of hiding deeper "control" or loss of control issues.
 
No offense, but if you're only dating Mal once a month, that doesn't sound like very often to me. Couldn't Djinn at least leave things where they are for awhile? Maybe if nothing changes for awhile, she'll become less nervous about losing Mal.
 
kdt26417 said:
No offense, but if you're only dating Mal once a month, that doesn't sound like very often to me. Couldn't Djinn at least leave things where they are for awhile? Maybe if nothing changes for awhile, she'll become less nervous about losing Mal.
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Ya, but we are ldr, so once a month for 3 or 4 days is actually a lot. Mal and I had actually talked in January about that it was a lot even for us. It's fun getting on a plane every month, but it's exhausting too.
 
Ohh, oops; I totally spaced on the LDR part. Well I suppose you could scale back for awhile ...
 
WhatHappened said in another thread:

I honestly believe that as many secondaries get hurt by this...there are also a LOT of wives who were totally unprepared to see their husband REALLY fall deeply in love. The same thing happened to me, I believe. XBF's wife suddenly wasn't quite so poly, when she realized he saw me as more than a toy to entertain himself and shut him up while she was out with other men.
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I wonder if this isn't what is happening. But because she doesn't want to hurt me either she's trying so hard. She opened this Pandora's box and feels responsible for setting us up.

Mal calls me co-primary, and I was just starting to feel like *maybe* I deserved that title, but ...

Idk. I'm starting to think de-escalating, time and emotions, might be a good idea.
 
A2Poly said:
WhatHappened said in another thread:



I wonder if this isn't what is happeninthatg. But because she doesn't want to hurt me either she's trying so hard. She opened this Pandora's box and feels responsible for setting us up.

Mal calls me co-primary, and I was just starting to feel like *maybe* I deserved that title, but ...

Idk. I'm starting to think de-escalating, time and emotions, might be a good idea.
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That's why nate had such a hard time. It was always fwb with him and me never finding anyone I liked. He probably figured I'd never meet someone that I cared about, although to be fair neither did I
 
A2Poly said:
She certainly tells both he and I that she is happy that he is happier, and that she and I are closer. And thinks that they would be divorced if I wasn't involved with them.
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It seems to me that this is the real problem here. I wouldn't feel happy if I felt the only reason my primary and I were managing to avoid divorce was because of another relationship in some way. Sounds like her and Mal need time and space to sort that out between themselves, and it might not be possible for him to keep investing in your relationship while that is ongoing. Or maybe it is, if they can deal with it head on. It sounds like they don't really have a grip on the underlying issues though, or why she feels that way, so I anticipate this taking some time. :( Either way, it sucks for everyone.
 
tenK said:
Sounds like her and Mal need time and space to sort that out between themselves, and it might not be possible for him to keep investing in your relationship while that is ongoing.

:( Either way, it sucks for everyone.
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Yes. This resonates.

And it does suck.

Mal and I had a long conversation today. He wants me in his life. I really like him being in my life. But this is all too much for me right now, and it is clearly to much for her right now too.

I hadn't thought of it in those terms though. And when I said to him I felt trapped by this "fixer of relationships" thing, he said that it was a catalyst, but now that the process has begun it will not stop. So that makes me feel better.

I think I need to pull back before anything gets worse. We need to salvage the friendships out of this and if we keep pushing I don't think we'll be able to. I need to sleep on this some more.
 
So, perhaps a temporary breakup?
 
kdt26417 said:
So, perhaps a temporary breakup?
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Maybe, I told him I need to be less invested in the outcome of their relationship. Idk if FWB is something I can do, but I do think 'friends' is closer to what we need right now than full on romantic love.
 
kdt26417 said:
That makes sense.
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I had a big hang up with FWB being a 'casual' relationship. And to me 'casual' means disposable. Random hook up. You know, the girl you meet at the festival have a great week with and never see again. I'm not that girl. I don't know how to do that.

But the more I thought about the most important parts of my relationship with him they are all friendship things. They are shared activities, and intellectual discussions, emotional support. I think freinds feels like a good level to be at right now.

But maybe once we've settled into this for a while we will all feel capable of exploring something more. Or maybe we won't. I feel ok with either option.

Oddly, it might not change how our relationship looks from the outside. We'll still travel to do activities, I'll still visit their house, we'll still talk. But inside it already feels less intense. More peaceful.
 
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