[TW] Polyamory made me realize the reality of my (perceived) gender...

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UnwantedForsaken

New member
Trigger warning: Suicidal thoughts.

Dear Polyamory Community,

Hello. I'm 25 years old and a mostly masc-presenting NB AMAB person. ENM relationships and when it comes to my spice of it - polyamory, made me realize how unwanted I am in this world. Whenever I am at any gathering, and it doesn't matter what kind of gatherings, I constantly get ignored and I feel like I am merely tolerated by the people I don't know. Be it at birthday parties, polyamory meetups, getting to know new friends and what have you, I am a third-class citizen in those cases. Should I ever even step a bit out of line, I will be happily thrown out. (Luckily, this hasn't happened, so far.)

With that being said, I was always more or less aware that this is the case. However, being polyamorous with my girlfriend of four years made me realize just how bad it is. When I contrast her experience with mine, she seems to easily make friends and is wanted everywhere she goes, or at least, everywhere we go together. She is wanted by men AND women. She also realizes this and said that it's weird since I'm more outgoing, make more jokes and, according to her, am attractive looks-wise. And yet, every time we are out and about together, she gets ALL the attention. People engage in (nonconsensual!!) touch with her, talk to her and just seem all-around happy that she is there. Trust me, she doesn't go out of her way to make this happen.

In contrast with me, I have to play the confident, self-assured, outgoing clown to even get my worthless existence acknowledged for a few seconds, until the dopamine rush of my joke subsides and I'm back to being ignored. And sincerely, I have tried a ton of stuff to make this better: I browse here all the time, I read books on relationships, communication and social life, I listen to podcasts, I go to the gym with utmost discipline, therapy, I try to dress better, make more money, have tons of hobbies and a lot more. I try to exactly portion how much I talk and how much I let other people talk. But it's always the same. No matter what I do. No matter where I go. No matter with whom.

I have always struggled with mental health and have had suicidal ideations in the past. Since last year it has gotten much better, and I thought that I let that behind me. However, since we went poly it came all crashing down, because we go out even more now and this difference in human worth between my girlfriend and me gets highlighted with more frequent regularity. It's hard to be happy for her.

We fought about this a few days ago. I told her that she is better off leaving me to be with a person with more inherent worth than I will ever have, but she just doesn't want to listen to me. She says we need to keep on trying and find people that treat the both of us better, but I know that there is no hope. I think she is so positive about this because she looks at this from a privileged perspective. If she is treated insufficiently at one place, she can just go to the next and be bombarded with admiration and love. Me, however? My life has been like this since my sister was born when I was seven. My parents clearly loved her more than me, especially my father. I was always a third-class person. I honestly don't know what my girlfriend sees in me.

I will stop now. Sorry this got so long. If you found any toxic tendencies of mine in my writing please tell me. I hope I can find some advice here. What should I do?

(Also, English isn't my first language so if anything was unclear, please tell me. I will try to clarify.)
 
Your English is great!

I am glad to hear you're in therapy. It sounds like you're young and still suffering from childhood trauma, which colors everything you do. It's quite obvious you equate your gf with your sister in your present era. Keep up with your hard work.
 
It does sound as if your early trauma is still working on you hard. It also sounds like you feel this way, regardless if it's a poly meetup or not. Your perception that it has to do with your identity is probably misplaced, though. Unless you live in the deep south surrounded by Trump fanatics that want to erase non-conforming individuals off the face of this earth (their problem, not yours), it probably has nothing to do with your identity.

Watching your girlfriend get lots of attention at poly meetups must be hard, and it sounds like it is very triggering for you. I can say that women get a shit-ton more attention than men in dating life and poly circles. It's very possible that as a masc-presenting NB AMAB person you are experiencing the fallout from this phenomenon. Even using dating apps, women get hundreds of matches compared to everyone else. This has nothing to do with your self worth, even if it feels that way.

I would avoid poly meetups altogether for now, as they are not helping your situation. Try dating apps where you can eliminate those who aren't looking for what you have to offer. You can find people who are attracted to masc-presenting NB AMAB people. Remember, there are way more men on those sites. So if you aren't looking for men, you'll get a lot fewer matches than she will, if she is open to men.

As a woman, I have a much harder time finding women. I can go weeks without any matches, and have yet to date any women successfully in the two years I tried. I finally gave up trying. If it's meant to happen, it will.

Also, you did not say if you were looking for a "third" to add to your couple relationship or not. I would highly recommend NOT doing this. Date on your own. Find people who are looking for what you (singular) have to offer. It's incredibly hard to find people to connect with. Trying to find someone that connects to both you and your partner, and you both connect with, is like finding a needle in a haystack. There's a reason why they are called unicorns... because they are mythical.

Polyamory is harder because of the huge difference in opportunities that are available to women. Their partners have to have very good self esteem to handle the big gaping difference in perceived opportunity.
 
Hello UnwantedForsaken,

Please do not kill yourself, you are very much wanted and needed. Your girlfriend wants and needs you. People just need a chance to get to know you better, I don't think they'll throw you out if you step out of line. Don't give up hope. Believe me I know how it is, I was ignored in high school, it was like I didn't even exist, and that hurt, a lot. Sometimes people just don't realize they are leaving someone out/behind.

I think you are still suffering from the way your father treated you when you were a kid. Your girlfriend is getting all the attention and that is triggering you, you're reminded of your sister and you feel that pain all over again. Your father should have loved you, for who you are -- not just because you didn't yet have a sister whom he could love instead of you. Believe me I know how it is. I had a mother who was not very loving.

Just keep posting here. We see you; we hear you. Keep on talking.
With empathy and concern,
Kevin T.
 
Magdlyn said:
Your English is great!

I am glad to hear you're in therapy. It sounds like you're young and still suffering from childhood trauma, which colors everything you do. It's quite obvious you equate your gf with your sister in your present era. Keep up with your hard work.
Click to expand...
Thanks a ton! I really value my English so I'm always eager to refine and learn.

I feel like therapy isn't giving me a lot, but I'm also not talking about those issues at the moment. I'm not sure if I have the wrong kind of therapy, or maybe I'm not compatible with my current therapist.

Bobbi said:
It does sound as if your early trauma is still working on you hard. It also sounds like you feel this way, regardless if it's a poly meetup or not. Your perception that it has to do with your identity is probably misplaced, though. Unless you live in the deep south surrounded by Trump fanatics that want to erase non-conforming individuals off the face of this earth (their problem, not yours), it probably has nothing to do with your identity.

Watching your girlfriend get lots of attention at poly meetups must be hard, and it sounds like it is very triggering for you. I can say that women get a shit-ton more attention than men in dating life and poly circles. It's very possible that as a masc-presenting NB AMAB person you are experiencing the fallout from this phenomenon. Even using dating apps, women get hundreds of matches compared to everyone else. This has nothing to do with your self worth, even if it feels that way.

I would avoid poly meetups altogether for now, as they are not helping your situation. Try dating apps where you can eliminate those who aren't looking for what you have to offer. You can find people who are attracted to masc-presenting NB AMAB people. Remember, there are way more men on those sites. So if you aren't looking for men, you'll get a lot fewer matches than she will, if she is open to men.

As a woman, I have a much harder time finding women. I can go weeks without any matches, and have yet to date any women successfully in the two years I tried. I finally gave up trying. If it's meant to happen, it will.

Also, you did not say if you were looking for a "third" to add to your couple relationship or not. I would highly recommend NOT doing this. Date on your own. Find people who are looking for what you (singular) have to offer. It's incredibly hard to find people to connect with. Trying to find someone that connects to both you and your partner, and you both connect with, is like finding a needle in a haystack. There's a reason why they are called unicorns... because they are mythical.

Polyamory is harder because of the huge difference in opportunities that are available to women. Their partners have to have very good self esteem to handle the big gaping difference in perceived opportunity.
Click to expand...
You're right, it doesn't originate from the poly situation. It's more like poly really shows me just how bad it actually is. It really is a parallel to how my sister was treated. While I was always encouraged, or rather spurred on to do well in all areas, especially in school, my sister was just loved as she came. Even today, I am still "encouraged" to work while getting my degree, while she is allowed to just study. Too bad they didn't quite think that through, and it gave me the financial independence that has freed me from their fangs to a great extent. Thank god.

It is not just poly meetups - I would say out of all of the social situations, those are the most tame, as the participants seem to be more aware of social situations. The last biggest "outfall" was a birthday party where I didn't know the majority of attendants.

In contrast, I seem to be doing quite well on dating apps for a male-presenting person; getting interest I would never have anticipated. My girlfriend isn't open to dating men at all, which I guess is lucky for me, as I won't have to deal with this disparity in interest online, as well. With that being said, I feel like when she does connect with women, she similarly can do relatively less and still be pursued. If she does have to put some work in, she complains quite a lot about it. However, just like you, she struggles to connect with women long-term.

For the moment, I have paused using dating apps to concentrate on work and university, but when my exams are over I will be more active again.

In regards to adding a third, we do not intend to set out to make that happen, as it can be quite a toxic breeding ground. Already the term "to add a third" has this sense of otherness perpetuated by the potential newest person. In an ethical triad everybody ought to be the first, second and third person. Should it happen organically, fine, under these circumstances:

a) Breaking up with one person does not mean breaking up with the other person for all participants
b) Legal hierarchies should be kept at a minimum (my girlfriend and I have already agreed to not get married)
c) Any dyad should be an independent and thriving part of the triad
d) Whether the triad is closed or not has to be enthusiastically agreed by all parties. The default will be open.
e) Any dyad is entitled to their privacy.

With those agreements in place AND the rarity of finding a unicorn like you described, the chance of finding such a person is astronomically low. So it's definitely not a goal of ours.

You're right. And I have no self-esteem; quite the contrary. This has always been a big problem of mine. Thank you so much for your thoughts!

kdt26417 said:
Hello UnwantedForsaken,

Please do not kill yourself, you are very much wanted and needed. Your girlfriend wants and needs you. People just need a chance to get to know you better, I don't think they'll throw you out if you step out of line. Don't give up hope. Believe me I know how it is, I was ignored in high school, it was like I didn't even exist, and that hurt, a lot. Sometimes people just don't realize they are leaving someone out/behind.

I think you are still suffering from the way your father treated you when you were a kid. Your girlfriend is getting all the attention and that is triggering you, you're reminded of your sister and you feel that pain all over again. Your father should have loved you, for who you are -- not just because you didn't yet have a sister whom he could love instead of you. Believe me I know how it is. I had a mother who was not very loving.

Just keep posting here. We see you; we hear you. Keep on talking.
With empathy and concern,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...
Thank you to for your kind words, Kevin. I have to say that I feel a little bit better today. It feels like a vanishing drizzle after a storm right now. Hopefully it stays that way. I struggle a lot with posting on public forums, to be entirely honest. It is a little bit like an extension of not wanting to be seen.

Have you found a good way of dealing with those circumstances that you had to also live through in your formative years?
 
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Hi UnwantedForsaken,

I will always suffer from self-criticism, because my mother was always putting me down, punishing me for the least little mistake, and my subconscious is permanently convinced that I must be punished today, both for mistakes I can see, and for faults others see in me. I do take Zyprexa which seems to help, but I still live with a dull/constant state of anxiety, and sometimes the anxiety spikes for no apparent reason. It's just something I live with. As for being ignored, I no longer need the attention of other people, I am quite introverted. I don't know if that's good or bad.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
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