Understanding

I figure things will gradually get easier. It's like you said, she is kind of rushing you into this.
 
It would be nice for a breather. The worst thing I imagined and was not ready for has happened so once I get healed up from that, and see that she holds true to what she says, that I will still get the love and attention I need and not be neglected, I will get better. Other than ignoring me and my needs, they cannot hurt me anymore. And they have been actively listening and doing what they could for me today and not ignoring so maybe they will hold true to what they say. I have to be optimistic and not give in to my emotions.
 
Be kind to yourself during this time. Be understanding that it's hard. :eek:

Glad to see that she's refocusing a bit back to you and your relationship.
 
Hey Reader,

Glad the worst seems to be over. I want to note that NRE can make us unaware of when our spouse is in need ... so, I encourage you to speak up when you need more love and attention. As long as your wife is willing to give you those things, it is okay to remind her. With all the NRE swimming around in her head, she may need reminders. Hopefully not too many, but certainly some ...

Communication (productive communication) is really important in any relationship, and especially important where poly is involved. So don't ever wait around hoping the other person will know what you're thinking or feeling; let them know in very clear and simple terms. Not in an accusing way, just, "Hey honey, I need some reassurance here." Or whatever you need at a given time.

I'll be anxiously following this thread, and will try to be of help whenever I can.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
This is what I sent them this morning. It was received quite well and everyone seems do be doing a lot better. Especially me. I have gotten some of my insecurities under control. Even made myself a list of things I do value in myself and what she does love about me that contradicts some of the junk I tell myself.

Anyway here is the wall o' text I sent to them(I did change the names, obviously)

I fear that with this entire thing moving so fast, we went from me and WIFE having some problems to the three of us together and you two having your relationship taken to the top level, that none of us has had much time to relax and breath for a bit and just enjoy and assimilate all we have learned, and there has been an awful lot.

It is vitally important that we work extra hard now to make this work. The odds are against us, many think this is headed for an explosion, articles tell us this is the worst way to begin polyamory and will most likely end in destruction. I say only if we choose to let it.

We have all acknowledged our problems and issues and are determined to working on them. We must do our parts to support each other and build one another up. BOYFRIEND has taken great steps to try to talk more with me and meet our family. WIFE has tried to not let the horrible things instilled in her by her father to hurt her relationships. I have done my best to be open and understanding and get my insecurities under control. I am sure we all have other issues and if they are something any of us could use some help from the other two than we should see it as an opportunity to grow and become closer, even if the issues might hurt.

I believe this relationship is going to be difficult but we must all remember the potential gains from it. How it may better us all. And we should practice patience and understanding. As I said, a lot of stuff and information happened in such a short time we have barely assimilated a portion of it. We must continue learning and growing, going back over some things because, honestly, some did not hold the first time around.

I say all this to not badger or hound, I say it for us to be aware of the difficulty. We are all smart individuals and what one cannot do alone, we can do together. I strongly believe this will work and that our lives will be enriched by it.
 
Sounds like a good message for all three of you.
 
I have grown exponentially through all of this I am kind of shocked. And with their support it helps greatly. Maybe the NRE is running off. I don't know. She did just send a message to me about how she thought about how I said I was feeling and made a choice based upon that. It is great. And I am liking them both more. I think this can be really fun. Who knows, it may be what our relationship needed to get it out of the stall it was in. She comes home tomorrow.
 
That's sounding hopeful. :)
 
Hi ReaderofThreads,

Welcome to polyamory and the board. You've been through a lot and have every right to be upset.

I see you care very much about about your wife and are trying your best to keep on top of things despite the very whirlwind nature of your wife's choices in ... dating.

Would you like to choose nicknames for your wife and her bf? That is much easier on the other posters here.

I think it was rude of Wife to have cybersex and cheat on you. I also think it is rude she has moved so fast with BF. And now she's off on a several day visit, leaving you home alone to take care of the kids. That must be extremely upsetting for you! Many people would prefer first dates to be for a few hours for the first few dates, then a one night overnight, then after a couple months, possibly a 3 day weekend date. I am sorry Wife is so out of control.

I see, you've made a choice to enlist the frequent input of BF into this crazy transitional time.

This is a rather unusual choice, but since he is willing, that is cool. I think as you read more on poly, you'll see that most poly people do not try to be good friends with their metamours (partners of partners). Therefore, while you say BF is the new man in your life, a partner of both you and Wife, other poly people do not talk to, hang out with, or negotiate poly boundaries with them. It really varies.

The issue isn't what is going on between the three of you. That's triad talk. Like, if you and Bf were in love too, or really really good friends, or sex partners, you'd be in a triad. Right now, Wife has a relationship with you, and a relationship with Bf, that is called a V. You and Bf are the arms of the V, Wife is the hinge. You and BF are trying to make it all work as a team. It's cool... maybe he is helping Wife be more rational, now that they've gotten their rocks off a few times.

Newbie polys usually screw this up, being a good hinge. They get so caught up in NRE, the neglect their former partner for the new and shiny.

Now, my gf and I are experienced at poly, and deeply in love, and not looking for partners as band-aids to patch up our troubled relationship. When either of us gets a crush, or an offer from an attractive person, we don't neglect each other. We are still eager to be together, snuggle, date, fuck, cook and eat together, talk over what is going on in our lives, take care of our household responsibilities. But even when I was new at practicing polyamory, I did not neglect my gf for any of the new people I met. Often I was gladder to get home to her than I was to have gone to any new person, lol. It would have just been rude to neglect her! I have deep abiding love for her, and have learned to not get carried away, with the NRE, or mistake it for love, or think the early sexy happy feelings are any indication the new relationship has potential to be long term.

Well, this isn't a very concise answer but I reckon any poly perspective is welcome for you now.
 
Thank you very much for your input. I am indeed open to any perspectives. I am not getting frequent input from him, but it has been enough so far. And I believe that it would be better to know him and at least be on decent civil terms because he is a person and she has chosen to allow him into her life which will affect my relationship with her. Who knows, he may be a really awesome guy. Yes, it was all extremely fast, and honestly I don't know if it will work for them. But I will be there to support her, regardless.

She was going away for a few days for a conference for her job and it was set up some time before all this. This conference was in a state where she has some friends and it was a friend of theirs she met online and subsequently talked to. So she didn't go down there just for him. Then all the crazy happened and I knew if she went they would take it further, this after we acknowledged they had a relationship. I asked her to slow it down and not to have sex and she got very angry and said no making me think that was all their relationship was about. So I had to deal with it. I am choosing to be optimistic but make no mistake, I am not letting them ride over me. I have made it clear a few times what this relationship cost, who it has harmed, and how badly it started.

I know I have a choice to end it if it harms me and my children. Her actions were selfish but she is finally seeing that so maybe the NRE is clearing. She has been a whole lot loving towards me and taking more of my feelings into account. She is reading and studying the poly articles I have sent her. I am convinced she wants it all to work and her boyfriend, who at first was a let's see what happens type of guy, seems to be actually making commitments.

I am choosing Franklin Veaux's stance on handling metamours. He believes it is best to be on good terms because if your partner sees something special that can help make her a better person, you might as well, even if you do not have a romantic relationship. I feel this is the best approach because it would be far better to be a kind and loving person than to ignore this guy and his feelings and regulate him to the status of something less than human and just a thing.

But I do indeed thank you for your perspective and I apologize if I came across as some sort of attack towards you, that was not my intention. Just thought a little clarification on my feelings and events was in order.
 
So she is home now and we had a good time just talking, which we have not done in a while. Things were going great until she mentioned the boyfriend coming to visit during her birthday. I was okay with that. She also wanted him to stay in our house and not have to get a hotel. I was a little uncomfortable but said okay.

It was when I said I would still like you to sleep, actual sleep and not sex, with me at night and not him. They could spend all day and everything, staying out late, but coming and sleeping our bed. And they could get a hotel during one of the days for the sex stuff, because I have said no sex with him in our house because am very uncomfortable with it. She got hostile again. Now I can understand her view, he just drove all this way to see her and all that, but when I mention how having him here makes me feel she invalidates my feelings and says things like I want to purposefully spit in his face. When I bring up the fact they sort of spit in my face when they would not give me time she glazed over it saying that we were all past that.

Now I understand she was very tired and seemed not open to actual communication about the issue. She wanted this thing and I felt uncomfortable about it. She was okay with the no sex in our house, it was the just sleeping with him at night she had a problem with. I had not said no. I said we could all think about it for a day or two then all three of us talk and see what could be done. This resulted in her getting angry.

I don't know if I am being unreasonable and mean like she thinks or this is again her not getting her way and getting mad, invalidating my feelings, then deciding to do what she wants and then being sorry for it after the fact, like the going down there and having sex with him was.

I am aware of my feelings and how he would feel coming down all this way and having a part of her not available. I am open to talking about my feelings and seeing if there is a way to compromise. I would like some other opinions on this.
 
Reader, I didn't feel attacked at all by your response. It's healthy to want a civil, even friendly, relationship with your metamour, and I guess you're lucky to have one who is willing to help you and Wife negotiate your opening up. Just beware he isn't too much in the Wife+You equation.

So, she's baaaack! And she's already furiously planning their next date, for her birthday! Is that coming soon? And she wants BF to come and stay in a hotel and wants to spend the night with him there. How many days will he stay?

You have every right to deny him access to YOUR home. You mentioned earlier that you felt glad he wanted to meet your kids. Just be aware that some poly couples do not let other partners meet the kids for months. There is no guarantee this guy will be around for long, and kids can pick up on vibes, especially older kids. Mom's "friend," hm? Seems like more than a friend. The older kids may resent him, younger ones might bond too easily and then be upset if the relationship doesn't last and he's suddenly gone from their lives.

Besides the kid issue, your home is your sanctuary. You do not have to allow anyone into it who might make you feel uncomfortable.

So, let BF shell out for his hotel room.

Now, the issue of where Wife spends the night. She just got back from several days with him, so you're still getting over that, and now she wants to plan to spend more nights with him? She is in such a rush! I'd feel weird if my partner wanted to spend her birthday with a brand new lover, rather than with me. Birthdays are special to us, and we enjoy treating each other on our birthdays when at all possible.

Holidays can be weird in poly if you're not careful. I remember when my ex h and I first opened our marriage. His gf came to stay with us on Valentine's Day. He gave her and me the same present. He thought he was being so fair. A rose and a small box of candy. He was trying to prevent her feeling jealous of me. But I was thinking... I've been with him 20 years, she's been with him one month, we get the same gift? And he's in NRE and is all moony over her during the visit while barely giving me the time of day? Great! How fucking romantic!

Anyway, I digress. Your wife needs time to decompress from her NRE visit with BF. You could sit back for a day, then attempt to negotiate BF's visit in a way that works for everyone. Will everyone be fully satisfied? I doubt it. Your wife is fully in NRE and thinking with her genitalia. She might also be making you into the ogre. "My husband won't let me..." have you stay in our home, spend the night in the hotel with you, etc. She needs to take responsibility for her actions. And remembering she is a mother might help too.
 
That was very informative and helpful, especially about the kids. They are very young and would probably get attached. She would actually be spending birthday with us and the following weekend with him. But yes I would prefer him in a hotel. And you are right, it is way too soon to be planning any of this which I had reminded her last night. I tried to stop the conversation no less than three times but she kept poking. Things are a bit better this morning and we have agreed to hold off on talking about it. Thank you for communicating with me.
 
I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, Reader. Honestly, I think you're being really accommodating. IMO, your wife is acting a bit like a spoiled child, throwing tantrums when she doesn't get her way. I'd also second using caution with the kids. My state requires a divorce care class for all divorcing couples... the recommendation in that class was that you wait 6 months into a relationship before introducing your children to your partner and then to do it slowly. The idea is exactly what Magdlyn said... to prevent them from becoming attached to someone who's not going to be around long. I didn't follow their advice to the letter, but I did wait to introduce them and I did take it slow. We met somewhere neutral first (restaurant), and I gradually introduced him into their lives. I only did overnights when the kids were not home for a very long time. Kids are perceptive.
 
This is very important to know, thank you both. I know she is not going to like hearing it but knowing that it is recommended by states and actual people that have gone through this may help. And you are right, Magdlyn, my home is my sanctuary. This guy was already forced into my life without my consent so it stands to reason that I would not like him invading my home. It is where I find solace. It would not be right to destroy my comfort and have to deal with more uncomfortable stuff at the same time. I would probably go nuts. I believe waiting a few days, even a week, before revisiting the issue would be good.
 
Re (from ReaderofThreads):
"I am aware of my feelings and how he would feel coming down all this way and having a part of her not available. I am open to talking about my feelings and seeing if there is a way to compromise. I would like some other opinions on this."
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What about the idea of her spending a few hours in bed with her boyfriend (no sex), then switching to your bed? Might be a bit of a hassle to her (and her boyfriend?), but it's one compromise I can think of.
 
I am still thinking I would prefer them in a hotel. Does that seem weird? I don't think I am ready to be sleeping in the same house with her in another room just yet
 
No, the hotel idea does not seem weird.
 
I think it may be okay for him to meet the kids. He will not be here that long for them to get that attached. It will be little visits every time and spaced out over months. And he seems a good person and very eager to do his best to make this all work which is good.

I am going to suggest the hotel to make it easier for everyone. That way they can be together and I won't feel like my space has been invaded because during any uncomfortable times I need a place I can go. I doubt I will be this way forever but for now I think it best.
 
kdt26417 said:
Re (from ReaderofThreads):


What about the idea of her spending a few hours in bed with her boyfriend (no sex), then switching to your bed? Might be a bit of a hassle to her (and her boyfriend?), but it's one compromise I can think of.
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Kevin, this guy is an interloper. He and Wife have not been kind at all to Reader! I'd say he has to earn the trust of Reader before he steps through the front door! Sheesh!

ReaderofThreads said:
I think it may be okay for him to meet the kids. He will not be here that long for them to get that attached. It will be little visits every time and spaced out over months.
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But why? Why do the kids need to meet this online gamer their mom has the hots for? Sorry, but your wife is acting crazy. I would never act like this.

And he seems a good person and very eager to do his best to make this all work which is good.
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Be that as it may, this is all going way too fast. When is Wife's birthday? And if you don't want to discuss her meeting BF anytime soon, just tell her, I am not willing to discuss this right now. I will discuss it with you on X date. And if she persists, walk away, leave the house if you have to. Retain your dignity! Set an example of someone acting with dignity, and self respect. Because, she isn't.
I am going to suggest the hotel to make it easier for everyone. That way they can be together and I won't feel like my space has been invaded because during any uncomfortable times I need a place I can go. I doubt I will be this way forever but for now I think it best.
Click to expand...

Baby steps for newbie polys are highly recommended.
 
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