Unexpected consequences of polyamoury

R

Raye

New member
A general topic of conversation on group tonight was ways in which being poly wasn't what we expected it to be. I didn't tsay anything because I'm shy and in general very newly poly, but I could think of some ways right off the bat. I think that I've become better at communicating my thoughts, desires and needs and really learning to listen and be open to what others are saying and accepting how they feel and how their viewpoints differ from mine. I have gained a stronger sense of self and an independence from my partners which has allowed me to grow and be a stronger person overall. I didn't expect so much personal growth and a positive change in all of my relationships, sexual or not.

I'm curious what other people found once they entered polyamoury that they didn't expect, good or bad.
 
I didn't expect to value marriage less. Not that I don't value my relationship with my husband, just the actual idea of marriage means nothing to me now. Commitment is commitment with or without that paper.

We were other versions of open before I really identified with polyamory, so the communication and growth didn't surprise me since I'd experienced other versions of it.

I don't think I expected to naturally come across so many people with similar relationships. That was a pleasant surprise. I mean, I moved to an area that is known for being liberal but it's still so much more common than I expected!
 
I didn't realize (until I looked back on it) that NRE would be such a problem.
 
Polyamory has forced me to look at standard models of love in society and to question them. As an extension, I have also been forced to look into standard concepts of gender, relationships, religion, politics.

However, especially for relationshipping tools and Communication, affair recovery resources have also helped so it's hard to say how much is due to polyamory. There's certainly a lot of overlap when it comes to advice given to monogamous couples by a professional on relationshipping and polyamory communication tools in general.
 
Shaya said:
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However, especially for relationshipping tools and Communication, affair recovery resources have also helped so it's hard to say how much is due to polyamory. There's certainly a lot of overlap when it comes to advice given to monogamous couples by a professional on relationshipping and polyamory communication tools in general.
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Shaya, first of all - I have very much enjoyed your participation on this forum, thank you for joining use.

Second of all, I notice this as a recurring there in your (and others' posts) - that communication skills and relationshipping advise are applicable to both poly and mono relationship structures. YES, because good communication and relationship skills are essential to ALL relationships - spouse/spouse, Teacher/student, doctor/patient, friend/friend, parent/child and etc. NOT that those skills are different but that there are skills involved.
 
Very true Jane. A side effect of learning about poly is a personal growth for me and a questioning of the usual structure of things around sex and relationships. However part of that side effect also comes from affair recovery.

The opening post asked what are the side effects of turning poly. I wanted to expand on that concept by sharing that I feel personal growth can happen whenever big changes happen in one's life or whenever old assumptions (for example old assumptions in a mariage) are challenged. Many people who return to monogamy after an affair claim a stronger, better relationship as well. It's just food for thought that self improvement or self awareness can happen through other means in addition to poly.

I would conclude though by saying that poly has given me a way to view the world and given me a philosophy that I feel is very different from affair recovery. With warm thanks to this forum for having helped me through these last few months.
 
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I think poly has taught me to stop judging a relationship's worth by its longevity. I have fully bought into the reason/season/lifetime philosophy, and am much better able to let a relationship transform or end when it needs to instead of clinging as long as possible.
 
PLACA Reception

Still pretty new to poly, but it has made me more conscious of ways to treat R well and reminded me of all the things I love about her.

I've also become very aware of couples privilege, in a way that I haven't been in a very long time.

ETA: Ignore the title, I typed the CAPTCHA characters in the wrong spot.
 
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