Unexpected feelings of disloyalty

S

simpletwist

New member
I have a long term partner and I began a new relationship a few months ago; my partner is also exploring a new relationship with someone else. We've been poly in the past but not for a long time. When my new relationship became sexual, I was prepared to feel some guilt towards my primary, even though it's been fully negotiated, just because I hadn't been romantically involved or had sex with anyone new for a long time.

What has floored me, however, is the sense of loyalty and bonding I feel towards my new partner, which is making it difficult being sexual with my primary. Is this a common aspect of NRE/falling in love? It wasn't supposed to happen (in my head anyway!), and I'm feeling a bit of a poly failure!

Apologies if there are existing threads on this topic, but I couldn't find anything.
 
Hmmm...well that's a twist.

The only time I've felt guilt like that is when I dated someone who was monogamous and they decided they couldn't handle poly. This happened in the midst of full blown NRE and I admit I felt a twinge of loyalty to her, but it subsided quickly. Not the same situation as you though. She was trying to change the dynamic.
 
simpletwist said:
What has floored me, however, is the sense of loyalty and bonding I feel towards my new partner, which is making it difficult being sexual with my primary. Is this a common aspect of NRE/falling in love?
Click to expand...
Something similar has happened to me when I met Idealist - there wasn't even sex involved! I fell in love with him and after one of our first in-person meetings, I felt like I totally fell out of love with my boyfriend of 3 years. After about two weeks the feeling returned a bit - we split in the end, but my situation back then was much messier than your properly negotiated poly.

I think it is a feature of NRE for some people to bond that strongly with the new person. Not sure what to do about it - I think you will have to make effort to counteract your tendencies to neglect your husband now and bond, go on dates etc. and hope for the best. As for the sex, I'd opt not to force myself too much there, that could make for a nasty block later -- how long has it been a problem?
 
I can't say I've felt the loyalty thing while in NRE, but it does make me want to 'couple' off more with the new person....spend most of my free time with him/her, etc. And while I don't feel disloyal having sex with my existing partner, it doesn't increase my sex drive for him/her either. If I let it, the NRE really could detrimentally affect my existing relationship/s. I have to be very mindful of my thoughts and actions.....though that is true even when I'm in a mono relationship....it's very easy for me to fall back on my old codependent traits and neglect other people and things in my life. It really is all about just bring present and mindful with the person you're with in the moment. Yoga, meditation, and staying spiritually connected and aware balances me and keeps me from getting lost in the excitement of NRE.
 
Hi simpletwist,

It sounds like you're having some strong feelings of NRE. I believe I can speak from experience when I say you have to be careful with NRE, it can cause you to withdraw from your original partner. I have some regrets about how I conducted myself back in the NRE days.

Good luck, keep us posted.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks

Thanks guys for taking the time to reply, esp when I'm new to the forum. Some wise counsel here. NRE can really mess with your head, no? However delicious and intoxicating ...
 
This just happened to me. My longtime boyfriend and I have never been one to have a great sexual relationship. My new relationship, I like were it's going sexually. The new partner and I have had sex a few times now and today was the first time I had sex with the long term person since. I felt, wrong. It doesn't help that like I said, we've never had a good sexual relationship. I felt like I was cheating on the new partner almost. So, you're not alone. So how has your situation progressed? I'd love to hear if circumstances have changed or if you have new perspective.
 
I came to poly very late. I was 54 and newly separated with my husband of 30 years. I'd met him when I was 19! Married at 22. Mono all that time. Poly at heart.

Anyway, I had the benefit of knowing that, mono, poly or whatever, my desire for my husband waxed and waned and waxed again over the years. It might be because we were struggling with whatever life issue, jobs, a move, disagreement on finances, etc. It definitely changed when we had 3 kids in 5 years. I was just too tired, too touched out.

We had more than one "second honeymoon" where we couldn't keep our hands off each other.

So, yeah, any of those things. Or, in polyland, the old devil, NRE. It can really mess you up. One of the hormones that is at play makes you feel obsessive about your new hot partner. If you can't be with them every minute, you're at least thinking about them all darn day.

Over time you learn to control your actions. You can't control feelings but you can shape your thoughts and actions to be in line with being a decent loyal partner.

Sometimes NRE can make one feel more desirous of one's longer term partner. it's like, the new person stirs you up and makes you so horny, you turn to your partner to help you get some more sex. That is normal. Your feelings of being less desirous of your longer term partner is also normal. It can go either way. As NRE dies down some, things will all shake out and hopefully become more balanced and easier.
 
Hi all, thanks for the replies.

So to update, things have settled down a bit, though I'm still reeling from the strength of feeling I have for my new man. You are so right about NRE messing you up, Magdylyn and Kevin! I don't know if I've maybe never fallen quite this hard before, or just forgotten how powerful it is - it's been over 20 years since I fell in love with my husband, and the only relationship I've had since then was with a previous partner who came back into my life.

So I'm very conscious of acting like an infatuated teenager if I let myself (and probably even if I don't). But I am taking your advice Tinwen & Magdylyn and making sure I spend quality time with my husband. Luckily our sex life has always been very, very good and I do feel heaps of desire generally which he is also benefiting from, though I am still struggling with feeling disloyal towards my paramour because of the strong bonding. I've been able to talk that through with him also though, which helps.

The other thing that has taken me aback is just how much more vulnerable I feel now that I'm in a sexual rel with my paramour. I've never been one for casual sex, and I know this is not casual. But wow does it make me feel fragile when I have sex with him, and then don't see him for a while. Again, I guess I've been securely attached with my LTR for so long that I forgot that I could still feel so insecure and exposed, even as a mature woman.

Anyway, reading other posts on here certainly helps me feel slightly less crazy! Thanks all.
 
Hang in there, you'll make it.
 
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