Unexpected, overwhelming jealousy after 15 years of being poly

weather_fields

New member
Hi there.

I'm in a bit of a strange situation here and I could really use the advice and insight of some of my fellow poly people. I'm totally lost and struggling to understand my own emotions and reactions. I've been poly for more than 15 years, this is not a new thing for me. However, I'm suddenly in a situation that I am finding utterly intolerable jealousy wise and I don't know how to handle it.

So, the story is, I have two partners, one I've been with for 10 years who I live with, Phill, and my other Marc I've been with for three years. Marc is married but their relationship is pretty much one of co-parenting only nowadays and he considers me to be his primary emotional partner. Phil is chronically ill and although we have a close, loving relationship, we no longer have sex and are more companions (which is totally fine and lovely, to be clear).

Marc and I have a deeply intense relationship. I am his second poly relationship, the first was a disaster with the normal, getting over excited too quickly thing that can happen when you're new. We talk all day long over whatsapp and we see each other as much as we possibly can. Our main problem is that we do not have a base to be together, he has children and Phil and I live in a one bed and Phil is too ill to leave. We spend every Tuesday night and Wednesday day together, try to see each other over the weekends and we house sit for a few days perhaps three times a month or so. We both would like more time together, but it's not practically possible. Something that I think is important is that when he met me he was quite isolated and I am the only person he has told a lot his stories to and he tells me everything that is going on with him, and vice versa. Marc also had a lot of sexual problems and problems with his sexuality (he's bi) that we have worked through together and I know he finds it kind of miraculous the change in his life since he met someone who accepts him as he is. As you can imagine, this has made us incredibly close. It also means that I am in a lot of ways, his one and only. I want to be clear here that I want him to have all the love and sex he's missed out on for so long, he deserves it! But something in my mind is short circuiting.

However, recently he has met someone new and I have been utterly destroyed by it. Full on emotional terror, panic attacks, unable to sleep etc. I have to work hard not to get really unhinged about it, looking at when he's online on whatsapp and imagining that he's talking to her and not me, just really crazy thoughts. We are talking and he is trying very hard to do the right things but although I have better moments, I am in deep distress most of the time. It is quite unbearable, both because I feel so terrified but also because it's rocking my sense of identity, why is this suddenly happening? Why do the things I KNOW about poly, loving someone else doesn't mean he doesn't love me etc, suddenly not seem to exist in my head anymore. I don't recognise myself and that's scary too.

In the three years we've been together Marc hasn't looked for any other women to have relationships with, but has had a few dates and some cruising and so on with men which I am more than happy about. I do not experience any jelousy when he is with other men and would be more than happpy if he had an emotional relationship with a man. At the start our agreement was that I need to know about new people as they arrive and before anything significant happens. Normally, as long as I feel my partners are sharing their NRE and excitement with me, I'm just happy for them and excited too. He struggled to stick to this previously and twice I guessed and had to pull it out of him, the third time I missed and he confessed later. I am ok with this, he struggles deeply with shame and fear and has, for most of his life, been very closed and secretive because of it. In our relationship he has really worked on being more open and sharing without shame and I'm super proud of how far he's come, so I accept that this stuff isn't easy and he's a newbie and made mistakes. He has been committed to fixing them and with this new person, did what I asked of him in terms of letting me know about it. However, it hasn't worked in the way it normally would for me.

I think that perhaps, I've never had my non nesting relationship to be so intense and so immensely big and important in my life. I've had wonderful relationships ofc but they've always been with people who have multiple other partners right from the start so there was a built in distance. It almost feels like we've been basically monogamous and I suddenly have to open our relationship, but even if this was true I don't know why I'm finding it so impossible.

Something I've noticed is that most of the resources for this are aimed at nesting partners opening their relationship. We do not have that solid ground to come from so a lot of the suggestions don't quite apply.

I should also say that I've had some not very good years in the past five years. My partner of 25 years killed himself four years ago, Phil caught covid and nearly died in 2020, which has left him disabled and decimated our financial security. I had quite bad long covid for 18 months and was housebound for a year of that, my best friend moved to the other side of the world and as I'm going through the menopause I'm experimenting with HRT which is a bit of a rollercoaster. I also live in a different country to my own, so lack a supportive poly community. I don't think any of this is helping.

I can't go on feeling like this all time time, i'm shaking and crying just writing this out and I feel like that the majority of the time.

Do you have any thoughts as to what's happening to me and why? And what the hell i can do about it!

I would be very grateful for insights that anyone has.

Thanks for reading.
 
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looking at when he's online on whatsapp and imagining that he's talking to her and not me, just really crazy thoughts
Change your settings so you can't see when he is online by stopping people seeing when you are online. It's all in the privacy bit.
At the start our agreement was that I need to know about new people as they arrive and before anything significant happens.
This rarely works as intended.

I think you have to just let yourself feel what you feel. You've had a shit time recently and this is another change. Rationally you know what you know about poly but at this time it's all come at once. A lot of change. Your feelings of uncertainty aren't unusual given everything that's happened. In time things will feel more stable and you'll usually see that this was a temporary phase of your life/relationship.
 
Change your settings so you can't see when he is online by stopping people seeing when you are online. It's all in the privacy bit.

This rarely works as intended.

I think you have to just let yourself feel what you feel. You've had a shit time recently and this is another change. Rationally you know what you know about poly but at this time it's all come at once. A lot of change. Your feelings of uncertainty aren't unusual given everything that's happened. In time things will feel more stable and you'll usually see that this was a temporary phase of your life/relationship.
Thanks for the privacy advice. I have actually done that already. I also want to make clear that I am aware how psychotic this is and stop myself right away. It's more to demonstrate how unhinged my thoughts are getting.

I'm interested in you saying that knowing about new people before meetings happen rarely works as intended. I always thought it seemed pretty standard. Would be very interested to hear if it isn't.
 
People bond in such spontaneous ways that it isn't always possible to measure when something is going to spark or occur. Making a promise to always say before something occurs or a relationship takes that turn often leads to one party feeling betrayed by the other who was just acting on instinct. .

I think I read on here once that it's best to foster a relationship where your partner wants to share their life with you so tells you those things as a matter of habit. And yes, as you've discovered, part of transitioning from monogamy can mean gaining comfort with that level of openness. So there's a time of sitting and waiting and encouraging that comfort by responding to such news with grace. That way they feel safer sharing more information sooner.

I think ideally, one partner should be able to express to the other that they don't enjoy being surprised or blindsided by a sudden new established relationship. The other partner then bears that in mind and tries to minimize the number of occasions they do that. I think that's preferable to a rule/boundary/agreement that they must always say before something significant occurs between them and someone else.
 
People bond in such spontaneous ways that it isn't always possible to measure when something is going to spark or occur. Making a promise to always say before something occurs or a relationship takes that turn often leads to one party feeling betrayed by the other who was just acting on instinct. .

I think I read on here once that it's best to foster a relationship where your partner wants to share their life with you so tells you those things as a matter of habit. And yes, as you've discovered, part of transitioning from monogamy can mean gaining comfort with that level of openness. So there's a time of sitting and waiting and encouraging that comfort by responding to such news with grace. That way they feel safer sharing more information sooner.

I think ideally, one partner should be able to express to the other that they don't enjoy being surprised or blindsided by a sudden new established relationship. The other partner then bears that in mind and tries to minimize the number of occasions they do that. I think that's preferable to a rule/boundary/agreement that they must always say before something significant occurs between them and someone else.
Thanks for the clarification
 
I hope it helped you to vent a bit. You've been through a lot in the past few years. I'm especially sorry that Covid hit you and Phil so hard! Yikes.

It does sound like you've helped Marc go through a lot of positive changes. Maybe you've trauma-bonded a bit (to use a trendy term), and now you're moving to a new stage, where Marc has feathered his wings and is venturing out of the nest a bit.

Even though you're not nesting partners, you do manage to carve out some good space each week/month to be together. Do you spend nights at his place? Are his kids there all the time or does he share custody?

I am not sure why you're having such an extreme reaction to him starting to see someone... Maybe the act of letting go a bit is extra hard because of all the illness, the isolation. I know getting back out into social things after Covid has been hard for a lot of people.

Have you had mental health visits to process the effects of your ill health, almost losing Phil, etc?
 
Hello weather_fields,

As you said, you have kind of gotten used to being Marc's one and only, even if that's not technically how it is. He is seeing someone new now, and he is involved with them in a way that's far different than how he's involved with his spouse. Meanwhile, you just have Marc and Phil, and since Phil is very ill, Marc is like your one and only. So now you just have him, while he has you and a shiny new woman (a woman who, I'm guessing, has more time and availability than you for him). You are worried about being demoted in his life, and in a strangely monogamous way, you are worried about losing him altogether (at which point you won't have anyone). I think that all of these things are what are stirring up your feelings of jealousy. You are scared, and you have good reason to be scared.

I think Marc having an emotional relationship with a man, would be a lot easier for you to cope with, because a man couldn't bring the kind of feminine energy into Marc's life that you can. So in that area, you would not be so threatened as when it's another woman. The fact that he's struggled to admit to you when he's seeing someone new, shows that he has a streak of monogamous mindset in his subconscious. On some level, he may unconsciously believe that if he loves two women, he has to choose.

I'm not sure how much you've shared with Marc about what you are currently feeling and what you are currently going through. Maybe you need him to be extra caring and understanding, and help you feel reassured that he won't jettison you for the other woman. Maybe it feels strange to need such reassurance, knowing what you know about polyamory. But as we've shown in this thread, this is not a typical polyamorous situation. And you have been through a lot in recent years. So much so that it is probably making you feel insecure. Cut yourself some slack; I know I would feel terrified if I was in your shoes.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
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