weather_fields
New member
Hi there.
I'm in a bit of a strange situation here and I could really use the advice and insight of some of my fellow poly people. I'm totally lost and struggling to understand my own emotions and reactions. I've been poly for more than 15 years, this is not a new thing for me. However, I'm suddenly in a situation that I am finding utterly intolerable jealousy wise and I don't know how to handle it.
So, the story is, I have two partners, one I've been with for 10 years who I live with, Phill, and my other Marc I've been with for three years. Marc is married but their relationship is pretty much one of co-parenting only nowadays and he considers me to be his primary emotional partner. Phil is chronically ill and although we have a close, loving relationship, we no longer have sex and are more companions (which is totally fine and lovely, to be clear).
Marc and I have a deeply intense relationship. I am his second poly relationship, the first was a disaster with the normal, getting over excited too quickly thing that can happen when you're new. We talk all day long over whatsapp and we see each other as much as we possibly can. Our main problem is that we do not have a base to be together, he has children and Phil and I live in a one bed and Phil is too ill to leave. We spend every Tuesday night and Wednesday day together, try to see each other over the weekends and we house sit for a few days perhaps three times a month or so. We both would like more time together, but it's not practically possible. Something that I think is important is that when he met me he was quite isolated and I am the only person he has told a lot his stories to and he tells me everything that is going on with him, and vice versa. Marc also had a lot of sexual problems and problems with his sexuality (he's bi) that we have worked through together and I know he finds it kind of miraculous the change in his life since he met someone who accepts him as he is. As you can imagine, this has made us incredibly close. It also means that I am in a lot of ways, his one and only. I want to be clear here that I want him to have all the love and sex he's missed out on for so long, he deserves it! But something in my mind is short circuiting.
However, recently he has met someone new and I have been utterly destroyed by it. Full on emotional terror, panic attacks, unable to sleep etc. I have to work hard not to get really unhinged about it, looking at when he's online on whatsapp and imagining that he's talking to her and not me, just really crazy thoughts. We are talking and he is trying very hard to do the right things but although I have better moments, I am in deep distress most of the time. It is quite unbearable, both because I feel so terrified but also because it's rocking my sense of identity, why is this suddenly happening? Why do the things I KNOW about poly, loving someone else doesn't mean he doesn't love me etc, suddenly not seem to exist in my head anymore. I don't recognise myself and that's scary too.
In the three years we've been together Marc hasn't looked for any other women to have relationships with, but has had a few dates and some cruising and so on with men which I am more than happy about. I do not experience any jelousy when he is with other men and would be more than happpy if he had an emotional relationship with a man. At the start our agreement was that I need to know about new people as they arrive and before anything significant happens. Normally, as long as I feel my partners are sharing their NRE and excitement with me, I'm just happy for them and excited too. He struggled to stick to this previously and twice I guessed and had to pull it out of him, the third time I missed and he confessed later. I am ok with this, he struggles deeply with shame and fear and has, for most of his life, been very closed and secretive because of it. In our relationship he has really worked on being more open and sharing without shame and I'm super proud of how far he's come, so I accept that this stuff isn't easy and he's a newbie and made mistakes. He has been committed to fixing them and with this new person, did what I asked of him in terms of letting me know about it. However, it hasn't worked in the way it normally would for me.
I think that perhaps, I've never had my non nesting relationship to be so intense and so immensely big and important in my life. I've had wonderful relationships ofc but they've always been with people who have multiple other partners right from the start so there was a built in distance. It almost feels like we've been basically monogamous and I suddenly have to open our relationship, but even if this was true I don't know why I'm finding it so impossible.
Something I've noticed is that most of the resources for this are aimed at nesting partners opening their relationship. We do not have that solid ground to come from so a lot of the suggestions don't quite apply.
I should also say that I've had some not very good years in the past five years. My partner of 25 years killed himself four years ago, Phil caught covid and nearly died in 2020, which has left him disabled and decimated our financial security. I had quite bad long covid for 18 months and was housebound for a year of that, my best friend moved to the other side of the world and as I'm going through the menopause I'm experimenting with HRT which is a bit of a rollercoaster. I also live in a different country to my own, so lack a supportive poly community. I don't think any of this is helping.
I can't go on feeling like this all time time, i'm shaking and crying just writing this out and I feel like that the majority of the time.
Do you have any thoughts as to what's happening to me and why? And what the hell i can do about it!
I would be very grateful for insights that anyone has.
Thanks for reading.
I'm in a bit of a strange situation here and I could really use the advice and insight of some of my fellow poly people. I'm totally lost and struggling to understand my own emotions and reactions. I've been poly for more than 15 years, this is not a new thing for me. However, I'm suddenly in a situation that I am finding utterly intolerable jealousy wise and I don't know how to handle it.
So, the story is, I have two partners, one I've been with for 10 years who I live with, Phill, and my other Marc I've been with for three years. Marc is married but their relationship is pretty much one of co-parenting only nowadays and he considers me to be his primary emotional partner. Phil is chronically ill and although we have a close, loving relationship, we no longer have sex and are more companions (which is totally fine and lovely, to be clear).
Marc and I have a deeply intense relationship. I am his second poly relationship, the first was a disaster with the normal, getting over excited too quickly thing that can happen when you're new. We talk all day long over whatsapp and we see each other as much as we possibly can. Our main problem is that we do not have a base to be together, he has children and Phil and I live in a one bed and Phil is too ill to leave. We spend every Tuesday night and Wednesday day together, try to see each other over the weekends and we house sit for a few days perhaps three times a month or so. We both would like more time together, but it's not practically possible. Something that I think is important is that when he met me he was quite isolated and I am the only person he has told a lot his stories to and he tells me everything that is going on with him, and vice versa. Marc also had a lot of sexual problems and problems with his sexuality (he's bi) that we have worked through together and I know he finds it kind of miraculous the change in his life since he met someone who accepts him as he is. As you can imagine, this has made us incredibly close. It also means that I am in a lot of ways, his one and only. I want to be clear here that I want him to have all the love and sex he's missed out on for so long, he deserves it! But something in my mind is short circuiting.
However, recently he has met someone new and I have been utterly destroyed by it. Full on emotional terror, panic attacks, unable to sleep etc. I have to work hard not to get really unhinged about it, looking at when he's online on whatsapp and imagining that he's talking to her and not me, just really crazy thoughts. We are talking and he is trying very hard to do the right things but although I have better moments, I am in deep distress most of the time. It is quite unbearable, both because I feel so terrified but also because it's rocking my sense of identity, why is this suddenly happening? Why do the things I KNOW about poly, loving someone else doesn't mean he doesn't love me etc, suddenly not seem to exist in my head anymore. I don't recognise myself and that's scary too.
In the three years we've been together Marc hasn't looked for any other women to have relationships with, but has had a few dates and some cruising and so on with men which I am more than happy about. I do not experience any jelousy when he is with other men and would be more than happpy if he had an emotional relationship with a man. At the start our agreement was that I need to know about new people as they arrive and before anything significant happens. Normally, as long as I feel my partners are sharing their NRE and excitement with me, I'm just happy for them and excited too. He struggled to stick to this previously and twice I guessed and had to pull it out of him, the third time I missed and he confessed later. I am ok with this, he struggles deeply with shame and fear and has, for most of his life, been very closed and secretive because of it. In our relationship he has really worked on being more open and sharing without shame and I'm super proud of how far he's come, so I accept that this stuff isn't easy and he's a newbie and made mistakes. He has been committed to fixing them and with this new person, did what I asked of him in terms of letting me know about it. However, it hasn't worked in the way it normally would for me.
I think that perhaps, I've never had my non nesting relationship to be so intense and so immensely big and important in my life. I've had wonderful relationships ofc but they've always been with people who have multiple other partners right from the start so there was a built in distance. It almost feels like we've been basically monogamous and I suddenly have to open our relationship, but even if this was true I don't know why I'm finding it so impossible.
Something I've noticed is that most of the resources for this are aimed at nesting partners opening their relationship. We do not have that solid ground to come from so a lot of the suggestions don't quite apply.
I should also say that I've had some not very good years in the past five years. My partner of 25 years killed himself four years ago, Phil caught covid and nearly died in 2020, which has left him disabled and decimated our financial security. I had quite bad long covid for 18 months and was housebound for a year of that, my best friend moved to the other side of the world and as I'm going through the menopause I'm experimenting with HRT which is a bit of a rollercoaster. I also live in a different country to my own, so lack a supportive poly community. I don't think any of this is helping.
I can't go on feeling like this all time time, i'm shaking and crying just writing this out and I feel like that the majority of the time.
Do you have any thoughts as to what's happening to me and why? And what the hell i can do about it!
I would be very grateful for insights that anyone has.
Thanks for reading.
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