Unique? Triad turns into a "V"

themermaidcafe

themermaidcafe

New member
Hi all!

This is my first post, although I have read some of the posts around the forum. So, I have a unique situation. Or maybe it's not even that unique. But I feel like I can't talk to anyone I know about it. So I figured, why not a bunch of strangers? I’ll try to be as brief as possible, but please bear with me while I tell my story.

I am a female. I have been with my partner Annette (also female) for 7 years. We have a strong, loving, and solid relationship. About 4 months ago, everything changed. Annette and I always said from the beginning of us that if either one of us wanted to 'explore' other people, had the urge to connect with someone else, or do the whole ‘open relationship’ thing, that we would be okay, and would want our partner to do that.

So, about 4 months ago, a younger cute girl, Karina, came into our lives, and the three of us developed an immediate connection. We all started fooling around. This was a first for Annette and me. We both started connecting with Karina in many ways. It was that feeling of a new relationship and the infatuation that goes along with it. As time went on, I noticed that Annette and Karina were connecting on a deeper level than Karina and I were. I started to have some jealousy and insecurity issues. Having been burnt in a past relationship has kind of scarred me.

I would get dramatic, and do and say things that I was not proud of, because I didn’t understand why all of a sudden I felt like the third wheel. I tried to talk to Annette about it, but it just led to her telling me I was silly and there was nothing to worry about, etc.

Just after the new year, it was finally revealed that Karina had deep feelings for Annette. This was my worst fear at the time, and here it was coming true. I actually felt a little bit better knowing that Karina had serious feelings, beyond the 'fun' stuff that we were all doing. It made me feel better that there was a legit reason that the two of them were becoming closer, and I was just distancing. Not to mention my insecurities were just pushing them closer together, because they wanted to enjoy each other without the drama of me around!

So, Annette has reassured me that she's not leaving me for Karina, and that she's ‘just going with it,' and helping Karina through some of the really tough things that Karina has going on in her life. Karina has been dealing with some family, job, and health things all at once, and has never had a friend or someone she can count on, and Annette is being that for her. As of now, it has clearly developed into more than 'fun,' and more than a 'friendship.'

My current situation is that Annette has told me that she is not leaving me. I truly trust her, 100%. She's very honest, and has never given me reason to distrust her. She is doing her thing with Karina. She has let me believe that Karina is her 'right now,' and I am her 'forever.'

My relationship with Karina has pretty much fallen apart. We are nice enough to each other, but not close like we used to be. I have tried to rebuild it, but I think I burned the bridge with her, and she has Annette right now, so why does she need me too?

So, the crazy part is that I live with this every day. Karina comes to our home after work everyday, like she used to when it was the three of us. We three eat dinner together, watch TV on the couch, with Annette and Karina all snuggly, and then we all pile into the queen bed and say goodnight. It’s like I have to have it rubbed in my face constantly! Annette and I are not what we used to be, because she has all the NRE with Karina, and I’m just 'there.'

Annette and Karina cuddle during the night, and I am almost like alone in a bed with two others. They are doing a lot of the things that Annette and I did in the beginning of our relationship 7 years back, and I feel all sorts of emotions. I am jealous they have that NRE; I am sad that Annette is not paying me much attention; I am hurt. I feel so left out.

They like to lie in bed all day Saturday or Sunday. Annette and I used to do that, and now I just feel awkward about it. They like to stay up later than our 'bedtime,' downstairs on the couch, to talk or fool around or whatever.

I’m not sure if I am completely crazy for allowing this to go on in front of my face, or what. Some nights (maybe once a week) they will stay at Karina’s house, and I will be alone. Of course, part of me likes that, because I don’t have to see it all in front of me, but then part of me hates it because Annette is not next to me in bed, and I start to imagine them alone together, etc., etc.

I have tried to reconnect and check in with Annette lately, and she is making small efforts to make me know I am still appreciated. She is not a ‘talker,’ and doesn’t like to constantly check in and talk about things. She’d rather just go with the 'here and now.' Logical me gets all that, and it makes sense to me, but on the other hand, it's still very hard to see/live with on a daily basis.

I’m sorry this was so long. I can elaborate on some things if anyone needs it. I hope this is the gist of it, and it's not too hard to understand. I have told one friend about it, but I don’t like to keep burdening her with the dramatic details of my breakdowns, etc.

Thoughts? Am I crazy to want to be in this? I can’t just turn off my love, and I am committed to Annette, but it's just crazy how life is unfolding before my eyes.
 
Last edited:
Welcome to the board, Mermaid!

You have 12 hours to edit your post. Would you please add paragraph breaks? Most people won't read a wall of text like yours and you won't get many responses.
 
First, this is not a unique situation.

Second, please put some paragraph breaks in your post before the 12 hour window to edit is over. It's really hard to read.

It sounds like it's time for boundary negotiations, my dear. If I were you, I would sit down with them both and tell them all this. Work out a schedule that means Annette is home alone with you for several nights a week, over at Karina's for several nights, and all three of you spend time together once a week, after which Karina goes home alone. Maybe Annette should have a night to herself in there, too. She is her own primary, after all. She needs to look after herself, too.

I would suggest no contact with Karina during the nights you and Annette spend together, except maybe once to touch base, and that's it. It's time for Annette to balance her plates, I think, if she is to be sharing herself. Her two gfs need to help her with that by being good hosts to each other, respecting the boundaries laid out, and having integrity.

I live with my partners, and we have it down to a fine art after several years. It seems that everyone goes through this stuff. Eventually, NRE needs to be put aside for consideration and a suitable division of priorities. Poly people don't get to indulge themselves in NRE when they have more than one partner. It just isn't fair to the others. If they wanted that, they could be monogamous (and childless, as that causes NRE too).
 
Hugs

Hey Mermaid, welcome to the boards, glad you're here. It's helpful for me to read your experience, because I'm going through a somewhat similar situation emotionally right now. Each sitch is unique, mind you.

We're hubbo and wife. Our gf lives pretty far away from us, so she can't just come over. But I really identified with a lot of your feelings of being scared, jealous, left out, and feeling like a third wheel.

While I can't offer a whole lot of advice, I will offer you this very solid cyber hug. I have been on the outside, and have behaved in ways I'm not particularly proud of because of those feelings. This is double hard to deal with.

I have some questions for you:
1) Are you getting counselling?
2) Does Annette give you whole weekends of time anymore? If not, why not?
3) Are you two still doing things as just the two of you? Do you have some kind of a schedule so Karina is not always over?
4) What are five things that would make this situation more comfortable for you?
5) Do you have the power to stay "stop" for awhile and just have time between the two of you for a couple of weeks to help your heart/mind/soul feel more secure?

Hugs again. This too shall pass, but knowing that does not make it much easier right now.
 
Oh yeah. Annette lying in bed with Karina all day can happen at Karina's house. Maybe you should take that up again; do that with Annette again.

I do that with my bf Mono in his space in the lower part of our house. I would never dream of doing that with my husband around. That is very much not what I consider good poly etiquette. Each to their own, I guess.
 
Thanks

Hi guys, thanks for responding.

I added paragraphs so hopefully it's a lot easier to read.

So, to answer a few of your questions-- I have not had a night alone with Annette for almost a month. I know, its a bit messed up. And I'll tell you why. Karina has some scary heart problems that happen in the middle of the night. Annette likes to and wants to be with her when those happen. I know it can't go on forever like this, but, it is what it is now, and I want to respect the fact that Annette wants to be there for her for those episodes.

I am not currently getting counseling, but I just discovered that my work offers 8 free sessions, so I am thinking about doing that.

Some other things to consider: Annette doesnt like to go to Karina's place because K has a bunch of roommates, and they're kind of judgy. Karina feels comfortable at our place, too. So it's sort of something that I need to deal with.

What's also hard for me is that Karina and I used to have fun together! We used to fool around, and joke, and all that good stuff, so I feel like I've lost a friend in all this.

I guess I just want to be able to deal with the couch cuddling and canoodling without feeling like I want to roll my eyes. I want that from Annette, also!
 
themermaidcafe said:
Karina has some scary heart problems that happen in the middle of the night. Annette wants to be with her when those happen. I know it can't go on forever like this, but, it is what it is now. I want to respect the fact that Annette wants to be there for her for those episodes.
Click to expand...

I was thinking about this paragraph, and thought to myself, it's nice that Annette is taking care of Karina's heart problems, but what about YOUR heart problems? Here you are, drowning in their hella NRE, feeling alienated and lonely, and nobody seems to be doing anything to help you to feel safe and better when you're in a scary place.

I say this to you, as it's what I did for myself, ask for some space. Having someone become such a huge part of your everyday life so quickly is not natural, and even out of a poly situation, you'd need a break from a houseguest by this point.

I definitely think that a break is needed, and then a schedule. Redpepper's idea of some nights there, some nights alone, some nights together is very sane and reasonable. Keeping on keeping on is NOT sane, lady. It'll drive you 'round the bend.
 
Forcing you to spend your nights in bed with someone who is kinda-sorta your ex (more like it didn't happen in the first place than that it ended, but still, it'd have to be a sore spot), and to spend your days with no escape from your partner's NRE sounds like a concerted plan of torture. Wtf? They both really need to be more considerate of you. NRE makes people dumb, but this can't keep going.

Why is their discomfort over judgy roommates more important than your discomfort over having lost your safe space at home? And it's a shame about Karina's heart condition, but are these attacks going to stop sometime soon? If not, is her and Annette sleeping together every night going to go on indefinitely? That's not fair to you. Karina managed before. I assume this isn't new. She can continue to manage.

Separate space is not some selfish desire of yours; it's a mental and emotional need that they are depriving you of. Very very not cool.

Redpepper's proposal is a very fair one.
 
Again, thanks everyone. You are right. Sometimes it's just easier said than done. :rolleyes:

What's weird about it, to me, is that I don't think that Annette sees it as she is dating (or whatever) Karina. Like, Annette is being there for her, and the messing around is almost just a perk? Cuz that's what we were all doing? I don't know.

We've never really have had the 'polyamory' talk. We have had the 'open to open relationships' talk.

I'm analyzing myself, and what I just said, and it almost seems like I need to do some talking and communicating about boundaries, how I feel, and where we see this as headed. Because it's new, everyone has just been going with it, and now it's hurting me, and I can't have that anymore.

Part of me feels selfish for wanting some attention, because of Karina's health issues, but then the other part of me feels like, dammit, I deserve a little lovin' too!
 
Yes, you do not "almost" need to talk about ideas for the future, you definitely need to. It doesn't make sense to try to map things out too far, because who knows? But if people are operating with completely different ideas of where things are going, that needs to come to light sooner rather than later. More, and clear communication is pretty much always better, with multiple relationships to juggle.

The goal here is to not let things get to the point where you're hurting so much and your relationship has changed so much that you have to ask Annette to choose Karina or you. That happens all too often in these types of Vees that start as triads. Get things to a better, saner, more balanced place now, before you let yourself get hurt so much that you burn out on the very idea of polyamory, y'know?
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top