Unlocking a Marriage

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Scarecrowe

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Hi, short time lurker first time poster here.

Myself (31 M) and my Wife (36 F) have recently embarked on this adventure that is polyamoury. She has had experience in more open relationships in the past but for the last ten years we have been in a fully monogamous relationship.

About a month ago she came to me and told me that she wanted me to consider us going poly, she told me that a friendship she had with a friend she had recently got back in touch with and was regularly in contact with and had started visiting occasionally was developing and she wanted to be free to pursue that relationship where ever it went. She has since told me that she felt that she was limited in her options and it basically came down to cheating on me, cutting her friend out of her life, or us going poly. I considered it for a good while, but I admit I had very little idea what poly was and I didn’t do any research into it, going off my gut feelings and trusting my own judgement I agreed. We had a good sit down and discussed what we wanted and thought and came up with our rules that worked for us, one of which was her telling me that she was not ready for me to be in a relationship and she didn’t know when she would be ready, to clarify she is ok with me having casual relationships but nothing with real emotional intimacy (which due to my work and family commitments I just don’t see happening at all, but that is neither here nor there).

The first time she went to visit him after I agreed to her pursuing where the relationship went I was nervous but actually I found myself not as nervous as previous times when she visited him when he was “just a friend” and for a couple of days after she got back things were doing great, but since then I feel like I have broken down, I find myself getting jealous and myself and my wife have had so many arguments and fights over the subject of my feelings and concerns. Please do not misunderstand me we are still having good times together and she is being very reassuring to me, but everyone has a saturation point I suppose and I am reaching hers a lot. She has a number of friends, including one ex-partner and her current boyfriend, she can talk to who are in poly relationships or have been so has a decent support network for her. I on the other hand do not really have anyone I feel I can talk to about these things other than her. And I feel I am damaging our relationship by constantly unloading my fears and anxieties onto her, she has been encouraging to do my own research into my concerns to help me form my own opinions and find people to talk to, which is why I guess I am here, due to my work I have very few close friends and those I do have are quite conservative in their opinions. So, I don’t think I could open up to them about this without receiving a lecture about the ‘mistake’ I am making which I do not think would be remotely helpful.

If you have got this far through my ramblings, thank you for your time, I am sorry if it wasn’t easy to follow. It was actually much harder to write about than I thought (I am not one to normally open up with my feelings)

I would appreciate any potential sources of reading material or advice you may be willing to share. I have bought more than two to read and am reading the articles on their website, I found the part about jealousy very helpful to read, even if I am still struggling with it.

Thank you again for taking the time to read this
 
Scarecrowe said:
If you have got this far through my ramblings, thank you for your time, I am sorry if it wasn’t easy to follow. It was actually much harder to write about than I thought (I am not one to normally open up with my feelings)
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Hi Scarecrowe, and welcome to the forum.

Contrary to your concern that perhaps your words were a bit rambling and unclear, I found your writing to be refreshingly clear and engaging. You're doing fine!

Another recent first time poster in here explained that he had no friends to talk with about his personal and relationship challenges. I told him that I don't much like giving advice -- and prefer to offer useful dialogue instead --, but that in his case I wanted to advise him to seek a trusted friend or two to open up with. Now I'm extending this same advice to you.
If your current batch of friends are overly conservative or narrow minded, and can't or won't be supportive or helpful, please seek out a new friend who won't be narrow minded and judgemental. Friendships of this kind are crucially important -- even necessary. Without them we flounder. And a text-based-relationship (such as here in this forum) isn't an adequate alternative. Face-to-face connections are important -- especially these days when we're all spending way too much time on screens of every kind.

I'm saddened to learn of yours, yet another case in which a spouse wants to have and eat his or her cake as he/she wishes but wants to limit their partner's cake-eating options.

(She--your wife--wants to have her cake and eat it too -- but she will only be okay with you eating cake if you you don't get too close and affectionate with it.)

You say you don't even want any other loves in your life, and that's fine. But she still wants to be free with you being restricted, which suggests to me that she may not be fully empathising with you in your situation. If she were more empathetic to you in your situation, I can't imagine her wanting an imbalance of liberties. And the fact that you don't want another love in your life is rather beside this point. It's irrelevant to the point I'm making.

Were I in your shoes, her request would be off-putting even if I was not wanting another love in my life. It's worth asking yourself whether you're putt off by it. And if you find that you are, let her know. Talk about it with her.
 
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Hi scarecrow,

I agree with the views and reflexions of River.

I‘m in a broadly similar situation to you except that my wife would accept my having other relationships.

If you come across good ways to deal with your jealousy I‘d be very interested, this is currently THE obstacle to give a ‚green light ‚ to my wife.

DD
 
Hey Scarecrowe,

I'm sorry to hear you are having a hard time. What you are going through is unfortunately very normal. Sorting out jealousy issues is a path to deciding if polyamory is something you want in your life. Your wife evidently needs to contemplate her jealousy issues as well.

Here is a link to our ever helpful Greeter Kevin's list of jealousy resources.

http://http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?p=400574#post400574

Take care of yourself. If you need your wife to slow down to give you time to cope then talk to her about that.

Leetah
 
Hello Scarecrowe,

You can definitely talk to us here on this forum, we are a friendly if nutty bunch and we will try to help you with your situations. Even if you just need to vent, we can be a listening ear.

It's possible your wife is moving too fast for you. If she could slow it down a little, that might give you a much-needed chance to catch your breath, and work through your overtaxed feelings. Perhaps suggest this to her in one of your pending talks with her?

Just my opinion, but poly is a two-way street and she should be willing to grant you the same freedoms that she wants you to grant her. In other words if you meet someone new, you should be allowed to pursue that relationship wherever it goes, including real emotional intimacy if that's where it goes. I know you probably wouldn't use that freedom right now, but you might be surprised to end up needing it in the future.

Hopefully this thread has been helpful so far.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Firstly I would like to thank you all for taking time to reply to my post.

I have been talking to my wife since making this post and she has clarified to me that when she said she was not ready for me to be in an emotionally committed relationship, what she was meaning was she was not ready for me to go seeking one yet but if something was to develop naturally she would be ok with that. I will admit while slightly better I do not see it as much difference due to my work commitments but, it is an improvement.

Last couple of days have actually been quite an improvement with things, I have been reading the links about jealousy that Leetah shared and i have found them to be a big help, especially when i started. This evening however I have backslid rather, she was feeling comfortable enough to discuss what she saw as an amusing story about her boyfriend sharing his new relationship with his friends and i just could not stop the jealousy rearing up and just sat there not understanding why his happy new relationship had to be with my wife. So i still have work to do I guess.

Lastly I would like to thank River for her advice, though I do not feel it would work well for me currently. I would very much like to have a person i could sit down with a cup of tea to talk about this, but sadly I do not see this happening anytime soon. To give you a bit more background about myself I am in the Military and work in a predominantly male dominated aspect of it, many of the friends i have made during my service would not understand my decision and others would use it as a source of banter that I have no inclination to be subject to. The friends i have made outside of the military are through shared common interests and while i have made a few good friends from their number I do not feel they would understand my decision due to their personal beliefs about relationships etc and would not like to risk some of the few close friendships I have by risking sharing this with them. Where I live is a small town dominated by the nearby military base and while I am aware there may be poly groups that meet in the nearby city I would not know how to go about finding them or finding the time to attend them. So that is why i decided to reach out online, easier to fit around my life and still have contact with those that may be able to offer advice and guidance as I walk this path.
 
Hi Scarecrowe,

I am sympathetic towards your situation, and would be happy to talk to you about it. It does not sound like your wife is very sympathetic towards you, she is mostly caught up in her own situation and is probably swimming in NRE. You are trying to be accepting of what she wants, and are in need of people you can talk to. I hope this forum can provide that for you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you Kevin, I fear that I may be painting my wife in a poor light by not covering all our conversations within this post, she is being very supportive but she is also caught up in NRE, but she is aware of it and is actively trying to prioritise me when I am having a rough patch, she is always available with a hug and to talk. Yes she slips up from time to time but she is only human after all, but she is not neglecting me. With her boyfriend being quite a distance away she mainly converses by text but she has always talked to her friends that way since moving up to my post with me leaving her friends behind, so it is not much different, just now the little smiles she gets when she reads something amusing can trigger a bout of jealousy in me though I am working on that.
 
I think that sometimes you just need a place to vent, this forum can be that place for you. It is quite normal to have bouts of jealousy, do not feel bad about that. It sounds like your wife is doing the best she can under the circumstances. And so are you.
 
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