Unrequited love convenience

M

MinaRica

New member
I am a pansexual woman in a loving, committed, poly relationship with my hetero male partner of a year. Neither of us are currently dating anyone else, but he has a couple long term crushes that he dotes on via twitter, instagram, and texting. They just see him as a flirty friend. It used to bother me because I felt if he was pouring energy into unrequited relationships, it was somehow taking away from the love and presence between us.

Let me clarify, I would be absolutely thrilled for him to have another girlfriend. I would be happy to see him well-loved by another. That's not what this is about.

I worked through my jealousy issues and came to the understanding that if my needs are being met, he can pursue other relationships however he sees fit. He's obviously getting something from this arrangement, although it's hard for me to understand, as I don't operate the same way. I get pissed off that these women let him flatter them, and get to feel loved, without giving back in return. I'm trying to let go of how I would do things (seek relationships that are giving and loving in return), and just honour that he needs to do things his way. It bothers me though, because he needs to be loved too!

A conversation with my love, yesterday:

“Tell me if I’m way off-base here.”

“About what?”

“I think if you had another girlfriend, someone that was really good to you, it would be really great for you, because then you would have more love in your life.”

“Yes, I think that’s true.”

“Why, then, do you pursue unattainable women? She doesn’t feel that way about you. You deserve so much more than that. You deserve someone that loves you in return.”

“I don’t know. It’s probably that I don’t have a lot of extra time. You don’t have to put effort into unattainable relationships. It doesn’t matter if you don’t follow up.”

“I suppose that makes sense. I’m not trying to dictate to you, I just care about you. You deserve someone who loves you unequivocally.”

“Thank you. You do, as well.”

I hope he finds someone who loves him as much as I do.
 
I think he is being rather sensible, actually. He's acknowledged that he doesn't have the resources to maintain another relationship with "girlfriend/boyfriend" commitment/expectations and is building relationships that he can maintain. This just happens to be arguably the most casual of relationships one can get.

You'd be in here saying something different if he was attempting to build relationships which he cannot maintain without taking from yours.

Just out of interest, if he was choosing to have Nsa/casual sex instead of just online interactions for the amended reasons he stated, would that be a huge problem?

I ask because I kind of suspect your issue with this is around the idea ethical non monogamy is okay if all relationships are "proper" and "serious". However, if the outside relationships aren't and are more casual/sexually focused, it kind of loses it's "purity". Many people who hold this kind of belief struggle when their partner holds different views and indulges in these types of casual relationships.
 
Fair question. Some more background: he has always stated that he would only feel comfortable having sex with someone he cares about. He craves relationships, and is not interested in casual sex. If that were to change, I would be supportive. My only caveats are open, honest communication, and practising safer sex. If he wanted to have NSA sex, I would support him in that, so long as we talked about it first.
 
Does he have active dating profiles? Does he get out socially? If he does, I'd say he is doing enough to keep an eye out for someone else special as well as sensibly acknowledging his current limitations.
 
No, he does not online date, no profiles on dating sites. He’s not interested. He's quite introverted. He prefers to develop friendships into relationships, if it happens to turn out that way. He does not get out often. He keeps inviting one of his crushes to meet up for drinks or hiking. She only meets up with him about twice a year, platonically. That's the part that confuses me—he continually tries to spend time with her, knowing that she's not interested in him, or even interested in getting together as friends. To me, that's time he could spend seeking someone who is attracted to him and wants to be with him.

I say, why bother? Seek friends and lovers that actually want to spend time with you. It obviously works for him, somehow.

I appreciate your feedback so far. I like thinking things through, and gaining alternate perspectives.
 
Hi Mina,

Interesting question.

As an extension of what London said, I definitely feel that many poly problems arise when two people have different approaches towards love, relationships, sex and poly - whatever those differences may be. This is because it makes it more difficult to understand someone's behaviour and can even take us to a place of judgment.

It raises two questions for me.

The first is: how do his unrequited love pursuits affect him? Does he become grief stricken and depressed for days and days on end, even weeks on end? Or is he seemingly casual about everything, but just isn't getting what you see as a return on his energy? And how much energy is he really putting into it?

The second is: on what level does it affect you? That's not a sarcastic question, but a genuine one. Something in his actions is spilling your own internal comfort cup. Even being genuinely protective of another person can hint towards something we can work on within ourselves. For instance, when we feel so protective of this person that we become physically uncomfortable when others treat them in a way that we deem wrong, we are thinking of them as an extension of ourselves (i.e. ownership place). Alternatively, we could feel disappointed in their choices and even in them (judgment place). It could be that we believe that 'our way' is really the right way (narcissistic place). Perhaps we think that the person is making unhealthy choices and want to help them change this (can be healthy, but can also be domineering space, or 'fixer' space). We may be wishing our partner was directing that energy towards us, wishing we were the one s/he was mooning over, feeling neglected in some way, or other issues along these lines (envy/jealousy space? expectations space? boundaries place?).

The seeking unavailable lovers concept is an age-old debate and if you subscribe to certain psychological theories, it stems from childhood. If it is indeed true that we mirror our child-parent relationship in our adult relationships, until or unless our childhood issues are played out, it will likely take more than a conversation to change someone's pattern ;) It also means that there could be something unavailable about you. There could even be something unavailable about him. Something to think about.

Just to end things with a lighthearted big red flag comment or two ;):
No, he does not online date, no profiles on dating sites. He’s not interested.
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You know dating sites don't currently feed his needs.

He prefers to develop friendships into relationships, if it happens to turn out that way.
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His preference is being fulfilled via his current method.

he continually tries to spend time with her, knowing that she's not interested in him
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I think that may be the point right there! He doesn't necessarily want to be loved (and give real love) right now, even if he sees the conceptual benefit of receiving more love.

To me, that's time he could spend...
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You see where I'm going with this? ;)
 
Sparklepop, I'm fairly certain you are inside my brain. Spooky!

How do his unrequited love pursuits affect him?
He is casual about it. He spends 90% of his waking time online, for work and for socialization. From a time perspective, he spends quite a bit. From an energy perspective, I'm not sure, but probably not really that much.

On what level does it affect you?
I should just paste your paragraph here, hah! I fall under parts of each category. I am quite self-analytical and am aware that this is my issue, and I need to work through it. I understand where I have the best of intentions, but am still feeling a small percentage of ownership, judgement, narcissism, fixing, and envy. I can rationally identify how I feel, why I feel it, and the truth or fallacy of such feelings. The difficulty for me is I have a hard time overcoming my physically emotional response to all of the above. For example, I recognize my narcissism in thinking that my way of developing relationships is the right way, and rationally can think it through and understand that it is right for him to pursue relationships in his own way. However, I still get a pang in my heart when I see him texting her. Knowing that it works for him doesn't force my body to stop having irrational emotional responses. It's my rational side vs my emotional side. I'm hoping that with mindful practice, my physical emotions will follow suit.

we mirror our child-parent relationship in our adult relationships, until or unless our childhood issues are played out, it will likely take more than a conversation to change someone's pattern It also means that there could be something unavailable about you. There could even be something unavailable about him. Something to think about.

Yes to all of the above, except for me. I am over-available. I've even told him before that I think he'd like me more if I wasn't so available. I still think that's true.

I think that may be the point right there! He doesn't necessarily want to be loved (and give real love) right now, even if he sees the conceptual benefit of receiving more love.


This gave me pause, and was an excellent summary. I need to let go, and stop over analyzing his every action. It works for him, and that's okay.

You've given me so much to think about, you have great insight! Thanks for taking the time to share such a well thought-out reply. I really appreciate it.
 
MinaRica said:
He keeps inviting one of his crushes to meet up for drinks or hiking. She only meets up with him about twice a year, platonically. That's the part that confuses me—he continually tries to spend time with her, knowing that she's not interested in him, or even interested in getting together as friends.
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Your boyfriend is behaving like what is referred to as a 'beta orbiter.' These are the people stuck in someone's permanent friend zone, but keep trying for an upgrade regardless of the target's obvious lack of interest. Google the term, it will probably be quite enlightening for you.

His 'online girlfriends' are part of the problem. They keep feeding him just enough attention to maintain the orbit instead of just saying "no, it's never going to happen." With all the different forms of e-communication available these days, it's easy for someone to maintain a virtual harem of orbiters.

Probably the easiest way to illustrate the beta orbiter mindset is with an exchange from the cult classic Dumb & Dumber:

Lloyd Christmas: I want to ask you a question... straight out, flat out... and I want you to give me an honest answer. What do you think the chances of a guy like you and a girl like me... ending up together?

Mary Swanson: Well Lloyd... that's difficult to say... you really don't...

Lloyd Christmas: Hit me! Just give it to me straight! I came a long way just to see you Mary. The least you can do is level with me. What are my chances?

Mary Swanson: Not good.

Lloyd Christmas: [Gulps] You mean, not good like one out of a hundred?

Mary Swanson: I'd say more like... one out of a million.

Lloyd Christmas: So you're telling me there's a chance. Yeah!
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Glad that was already typed out on IMDB, I really didn't want to try to pull it verbatim from memory!

I might buy the "I just don't have time for real relationships" bit if he wasn't trying so hard to move at least one of them into the real world. He's trying, but being denied. That's not a lack of interest, that's a lack of success.

What the guy needs is a friend to repeat the phrase "ain't gonna happen" until he gets it. Perhaps that friend needs to be you, since you obviously have an interest in his happiness. I would hope that he wouldn't mistake this for jealousy on your part, since you're pushing him to widen his horizons romantically, just not in the way he's been doing it.

If you want to help him find a real-world girlfriend, let me make two suggestions:

1) You're in his life. He managed to meet and enter into a relationship with you. Think about how that came about and use that insight to help him towards what actually works for him and away from what's not working. If his current tactics are how you met (he orbited you 'til you gave him a tumble) perhaps this isn't the best advice but it might still give you food for thought.

2) Get him out of the damned house. No matter how he frames it, spending 90% of his waking life in front of a computer isn't healthy, physically or mentally. Learning to socialize in the real world is a big step towards securing relationships in the real world. He may be Joe Slick in a chatroom, but if he's an unsocialized wreck in real life he's going to continue to have problems.
 
Or just accept the guy is a fucking adult and let him handle his own shit.
 
I suppose you could tell him, "You do realize you're a beta orbiter don't you?" and if he says, "What's that?" you have him watch Dumb and Dumber. :)
 
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