Unrequited love or unconsummated love

L

Luna393

New member
Hello Everyone!

So I started trying to ask some questions about this in Introductions, but I think I should bring it up in here so I can get more feedback and discussion. I am finding it therapeutic just typing these thoughts, anyway.

I am not new to the idea of polyamory, just new to the practice of it. I am head over heels in love with my husband Mike, and one lovely gentleman whom I will call Artist. I am in a very open and strong dynamic friendship with Artist and have just recently broached the topic of polyamory. Naturally, there are some immediate misconceptions with the word (swinger, casual sex, etc.) that are absolutely fine for consenting adults, but I don't think really define polyamory or me.

So I've cleared the air about what polyamory means to me: the ability to experience romantic love for more than one person. Artist states that he believes that he has this ability, as well, but that he doesn't believe that non-monogamy works with his principles in life. So I have to respect the boundaries of a man I love, right? But was that a boundary? Would it be a breach of this boundary to attempt to discuss non-monogamy further?

I haven't told him that I love him. I'm almost sure that he would describe his own feelings for me in the same way. Do I even need to state the obvious? If our friendship is to stay in this state of mutual love and enjoyment in a more platonic arena, would me sharing my not-so platonic feelings for him be a breach of the friendship code? By him saying that he is able to love more than one person, and his very loving friendship behavior, is he also saying that more is possible between us?

If I knew for sure that there was no hope at all of us ever going to the next level, I would abandon the idea. I am so happy to have such a beautiful friendship with someone so intelligent and stimulating. Should I just leave it at that?

I would appreciate any and all feedback. Thank you for reading this.
 
Did you talk with your husband about your ambitions? Is he ok with it?

Luna393 said:
So I've cleared the air about what polyamory means to me: the ability to experience romantic love for more than one person.
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Very well said; that gets to the point. My experiences with friends who say they want to live monogamously is that they mean it. However, every situation is different. I really don't want to give you any advice. For sure, it sounds like you have a very good friend.

I wish you good luck, however it goes. Every situation is there to learn from. It's an art to appreciate everything that happens. (I didn't quite learn it yet, but I'm on my way.) Take your time, and eventually, what should be will take place.
 
Thank you for the reply, Imagination!

My husband is open and supportive. I keep him up to date on everything that I'm going through. He is monoamorous, and I am feeling like there is a disconnect there, to certain extent. I wish he understood how I feel, but he is supportive and nonjudgmental of even the things he doesn't get for himself.

Your advice to fully experience and appreciate each moment is very valuable here. I believe if I think too much about my ambition to move my friendship with Artist to the next level, that I may not fully appreciate what we have now.
 
So you had a discussion with Artist about the concepts or theory of poly. Was this in a "bar talk" kind of way? It might not be something he'd go looking for, but if it came knocking at his door, well, that's another matter. Because you're married he may not see you that way. I think if you want such a relationship, you need to straight-up tell him.
 
Maybe let him sit with the idea for a month or two, them bring it up again. Sometimes people need time to mull over a new idea before it begins to seem less scary. Next time you bring it up, let him know that you're polyamorous. Give him something new to sit with. If he comes around in his own time, great, if he's still against it personally, let it be.
 
You know, letting him sit with the idea first, and then just coming out with, "I love you and I'm open to more than a platonic relationship," in a couple months sounds like a good idea. And yes, he knows specifically that I am polyamorous. We just haven't discussed how that might manifest. I did clarify that I am not into sex without having feelings for the person first. Sometimes I assume that people read in between the lines, though, when they may very well not.

You know, it's funny that letting him mull it over piece by piece came up, because I was trying to do that. When I brought the topic up before, I was just trying to feel him out. And then I waited a while and told him I was polyamorous. What is baffling to me is that he identifies as being polyamorous, "in the strictest literal definition," in that he can love more than one person, but also reports that non-monogamy isn't a good principle for him. How does that work?
 
Well, have you asked him how It works? What principle or principles of his does he say would be violated by it?
 
My ex-gf also said, on different occasions, she would be alright with polyamory, except the sexual part of it. She was not that straight with her own concept, but a poly relationship was not possible with her, because of her being extremely jealous when other women approached me.

Yes, I would try and find out what his opinion is. And if he becomes polyamorous, or at least wishes to have a romantic & sexual relationship with you, you can be surprised at what you didn't expect. (I wouldn't expect it). Maybe he really has to become more familiar with polyamory and has to think about it, as was said before.
 
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She said that the sexual aspect made a big difference. She could live with me loving other women, but only in a platonic way. The sexual part of it is exactly the big taboo for the majority.
 
That sounds about right, Imagination. To think that people all over could be happily sharing their mate to further and heighten their love and enjoyment is too open-minded to ask for, lol. Just a subtle shift in thought, though...

I am afraid to ask him, but I will as soon as I can get the balls to. I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack every time I talk to him about polyamory.
 
Luna393 said:
Artist states that he believes that he has this ability as well but that he doesn't believe that nonmanogamy work with his principals in life. So I have to respect the boundaries of a man I love, right? But was that a boundary? Would it be a breach of this boundary to attempt to discuss nonmanogamy further?
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I'm unclear on this. Did you mean principals or principles? I'm not trying to be a spelling Nazi, just that the two have wildly different implication for any poly conversation with him.
 
SoCalExile, I think he meant principles as in personal principles that restrict one from behaving badly.

...I'm wondering what else it could mean?
 
I was thinking "principals" as in "the principal people in his life" but I'm just some weirdo on the Internet who wasn't privy to the actual conversation and therefore am addressing this completely devoid of context and haven't had any coffee yet and WHERE did I put that sixth cup of spiked eggnog?

That's what I was thinking, anyway.
 
I am in a similar position. I am in love with a good friend too, Mad Scientist. He and my partner (Gamerboy) have been friends since elementary school. All three of us have been hanging out regularly for two years now, and in that time, Mad Scientist and I have become good friends. It wasn't until early this year that Gamerboy pointed out that it seemed like a lot more than friendship. (We're both polyamorous.)

I am still trying, unsuccessfully, to deal with those feelings. Mad Scientist is aware that we're polyamorous, but I have yet to be forthcoming about my feelings for him. After an frustrating miscommunication on Friday, we talked and he said he didn't know he was allowed to see me as anything other than "one of the boys."

I didn't tell him I had feelings for him, but I did say that more was bothering me than I was letting on. The conversation probably left us both confused and with food for thought. Long story short, I can relate, and if you want to talk about it, I'm here.
 
Luna393 said:
I am afraid to ask him, but I will as soon as I can get the balls to. I feel like I'm goint to have a heart attack everytime I talk to him about polyamory.
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I'm not in a relationship now, but every time I get close to someone, it is a big problem for me to address the subject of polyamory.

You're certainly not the only one with that fear to talk out freely. It feels good to hear that I'm not the only one. Now I feel more easy about it. And your threat has got me more focused on what I don't want, and what I want and desire, and what polyamory means to me. (Actually I was kind of lost recently. I was rather looking for contact and not thinking so much in terms of a - romantic - relationship.)

A situation where I didn't talk about being polyamorous: not long ago, a friend invited me to stay in her bed. We didn't make love, because I was kind of hesitant, I guess. It felt very good anyway, but I kind of regretted not having gotten more intimate with her. Yet now I'm happy that I can or might get to know her better before we possibly get more intimate with each other. I'm not even sure if she likes me or if it meant anything to her.
 
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More people regret that which they didn't do than that which they did.



Clichéd, but true.
 
SoCalExile wrote: I was thinking "principals" as in "the principal people in his life" but I'm just some weirdo on the Internet who wasn't privy to the actual conversation and therefore am addressing this completely devoid of context and haven't had any coffee yet and WHERE did I put that sixth cup of spiked eggnog?

That's what I was thinking, anyway.
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Lol, SoCal! Thank you for sharing! I hope you found your eggnog ;)

Castalia wrote: I am in a similar position. I am in love with a good friend too (Mad Scientist). Mad Scientist and my partner (Gamerboy) have been friends since elementary school. Mad Scientist and I have become good friends. Gamerboy pointed out that it seemed like a lot more than friendship.
I am still trying, unsuccessfully, to deal with those feelings. Mad Scientist is aware that we're poly but I have yet to be forthcoming about my feelings for him. He said he didn't know he was allowed to see me as anything other than "one of the boys."
I didn't tell him I had feelings for him, but did say that more was bothering me than I was letting on. The conversation probably left us both confused and with food for thought.
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I'm sorry to hear about your frustration. I think that feelings of frustration goes with the territory, though. Miscommunications, as well. Lately, the way that I have been talking to Artist about polyamory has been a bit hypothetical and less personal than it should be. It is so hard to put yourself out there completely. I wish I could just say exactly what I think and feel, but I'm hung up on the fear that I will offend him or that... I don't even know... I will be vulnerable, maybe. But the miscommunications have come from me beating around the bush.

The thought of a man seeing me as a wife to someone else and therefore completely unavailable and just one of the guys has crossed my mind more than once. I think, after some time, Mad Scientist may be able to see you in a different light.

Imagination wrote: Every time I get close to someone, it is a big problem for me to address the subject of polyamory.

You're certainly not the only one with that fear to talk out freely and it feels good to hear that I'm not the only one. Your threat has got me more focused on what I don't want, what I want and desire, what polyamory means to me. I was rather looking for contact and not thinking so much in terms of a - romantic - relationship.

Not long ago, a friend invited me to stay in her bed and we didn't make love, because I was kind of hesitant. I kind of regretted not having gotten more intimate with her, yet now I'm happy that I can get to know her better before we get more intimate with each other. I'm not even sure if she likes me, or if it meant anything to her.
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Thank you so much for your replies, Imagination, they've given me a lot to think about. I'm glad that you may have an opportunity to get to know your gal better and be more forthright with her. Maybe we can try to be more open about our beliefs to our loves together.

If she let you in her bed, to sleep or otherwise, I would think that she at least likes you.

I am really appreciative of the attention that I have received here. I think I really needed it. So I grew at least half a ball... enough to ask Artist what his opposition to non-monogamy was today, and it went like this:

ME: So how does non-monogamy oppose your personal principles?

Artist: I don't see why anyone would make a nominal commitment to someone if they're just going to bone a bunch of people. But don't get me wrong. To me, non-monogamy isn't the same as casual sex with multiple partners. The nominal commitment is the crux of the objection.

ME: It is possible for some people to be committed to a relationship and a person that allows for one or both partners to be non-monogamous where all present consent to the presence of everyone else. I'm sure it's a rocky road, but with compersion and compassion in mind, I think some people can do it and fulfill their commitments.

Artist: Some people probably do.


... And that's all the ball I had. I will have to grow more for another day. So... not very conclusive for me, because I failed, again, to say what I want, and what MY situation is, and... *sigh*
 
I haven't read the other posts, so I'm sorry if I repeat something. I would wonder what he means by love. Is he thinking that he can "love" many women for a moment or two or every now and then, or is he deeply connected to the women he has relationships with and wants full-on more traditional relationships?

What do you want? Do you want a commitment of some kind that indicates his connection with you? Or are you okay with things the way they are with sex added into the mix? It sounds like there is much more to discuss that just asking him if he wants to start something with you.

Ah... just read more. It seems that he thinks it's about the fucking still. Oh dear.
 
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Redpepper, I want a romantic relationship with him that can grow to sexual intimacy. He said before, "I believe in polyamory in the strictest literal definition, that one can experience romantic love for more than one person." You know, though, I didn't think that another person's experience of romantic love could be something that didn't imply deep intimate connection. That's what it has always meant to me, so I didn't even know I was making an assumption. I know making assumptions are terrible for communication.
 
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