Unsure and seeking guidance, stay-at-home dad

C

conscientiouslycurious

New member
Hi,

My wife and I have been together 13 years. While we have both flirted with the idea of non-monogamy before, we never really committed to anything. Over the past few months, we have become more comfortable with the idea of a poly-lifestyle change. At the end of the month, when she gets back from some conferences, we plan on having an open dialogue on the subject.

We have a middle-school child and, due to my wife's work requirements, me being a stay-at-home parent was the best option for us.

With that in mind, I have been trying to organize my thoughts on the subject so I can better understand if this is the right fit for us, or if we should just reaffirm our commitment to monogamy.

I have read quite a bit, but haven't really asked questions from those with experience.

My question today is: what have your experiences have been like as poly parents, especially stay-at-home parents? What changes were for the better, and what changes were for the worse?
 
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Hello conscientiouslycurious,

I have never had kids of my own (and almost certainly never will), but I have read a lot of posts by people that do. At least one of them, GalaGirl, decided that her kids required too much of her time to allow for polyamory, so she is waiting to put polyamory into practice until her kids are all grown and out of the house. I think that is the hardest thing about kids and poly, is that both are very time-demanding and it is hard to give both the time that they deserve. I don't know, maybe being a stay-at-home dad will help you in that regard.

The other big issue with having kids and being poly is, deciding whether you will tell your kids that you are poly. Some people want to stay in the closet with regards to their polyness, and they either don't want the kids to know, or, if the kids do know, they want the kids to keep it a secret (from teachers, relatives, etc.). The problem with all of this is that it is hard to keep poly a secret from the kids, kids are very observant and tend to pick up on things, and at the same time, kids usually aren't great at keeping secrets, and then there is the question of whether it is even fair to ask the kids to keep such a secret.

Going by your initial post here, it sounds like you just have one child. That should help at least with respect to time demands. The other problem could be solved by announcing your poly intentions to the world -- if that is an acceptable route for you to take. You can, of course, try one of the other routes (where you keep the poly a secret). Or you can reaffirm your commitment to monogamy. Totally up to you.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello conscientiouslycurious,

I have never had kids of my own (and almost certainly never will), but I have read a lot of posts by people that do. At least one of them, GalaGirl, decided that her kids required too much of her time to allow for polyamory, so she is waiting to put polyamory into practice until her kids are all grown and out of the house. I think that is the hardest thing about kids and poly, is that both are very time-demanding and it is hard to give both the time that they deserve. I don't know, maybe being a stay-at-home dad will help you in that regard.

The other big issue with having kids and being poly is, deciding whether you will tell your kids that you are poly. Some people want to stay in the closet with regards to their polyness, and they either don't want the kids to know, or, if the kids do know, they want the kids to keep it a secret (from teachers, relatives, etc.). The problem with all of this is that it is hard to keep poly a secret from the kids, kids are very observant and tend to pick up on things, and at the same time, kids usually aren't great at keeping secrets, and then there is the question of whether it is even fair to ask the kids to keep such a secret.

Going by your initial post here, it sounds like you just have one child. That should help at least with respect to time demands. The other problem could be solved by announcing your poly intentions to the world -- if that is an acceptable route for you to take. You can, of course, try one of the other routes (where you keep the poly a secret). Or you can reaffirm your commitment to monogamy. Totally up to you.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
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We are a pretty open family. I don't think we would be closeted in that regard. In terms of time commitment, that might be more of an issue for my wife. (She travels a lot and has unusual and inconsistent time commitments at work.) But I tend to have a lot of down time, mostly because I have to be available for such sudden time demands she may have pop up. However, there are periods of time when where her job will suddenly be less demanding and we'll both have a lot of time. Socially this wouldn't really be an issue for us either. I have always been an odd duck and she is very open with friends.

While child care is time demanding, there are whole chunks in the day where I just have empty gaps, usually 4-5 hour chunks of time. That being said, I wouldn't want to take away time from my son. So what do the actual time commitments of poly realistically look like?
 
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I was poly before my kid was born, so my situation is very different than yours, but the time commitment is whatever time you need to maintain the relationships you want.

For me, I spend two days/one night a week with my non-nesting partner. Right now, that translates to Friday into Saturday or Saturday into Sunday. We split whether that is one-on-one, or with the child, or as a group, or with his extended family and such. We also text daily and add in video calls if one of us needs a little extra connection.

I have a set date night with my husband, as well, where we try to avoid talking about house stuff, kid stuff, etc., and just be on a date without the baggage of life.

Since you're a stay-at-home parent, I am going to assume you have no or very little income of your own and that you share finances. Do you budget? Do you and wife each get X amount to spend however you want, with zero input from the other? If not, you need to. Dating costs. Doesn't have to be a lot, but the occasional coffee date, dinner, drinks, whatever. Are you okay with people in your home and around your child? She travels a lot, which leaves you solo parenting. When is it okay for a new partner to be around when you need to stay in? Where will overnights happen?

There are a lot of practicalities to figure out. If Wife travels to the same place often, her finding a long-distance partner that she sees when she's in that area would be an option, too.
 
Hi conscientiouslycurious,

The time commitment is really up to you, it's something you have to decide, and that's one of the challenges of polyamory. I think with your wife's unpredictable work schedule, anyone you dated, you'd need them to be flexible as far as last-minute rescheduling is concerned. With four- to five-hour chunks of free time, I don't think it's a matter of not having time at all to date.

AlwaysGrowing also gave excellent insights and advice.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
AlwaysGrowing said:
I was poly before my kid was born so my situation is very different than yours, but... the time commitment is whatever time you need to maintain the relationships you want.

For me? I spend 2 days/one night a week with my non- nesting partner (right now that translates to Friday into Saturday or Saturday into Sunday). We split whether that is one on one or with the child or as a group or with his extended family and such. We also text daily and add in video calls if one of us needs a little extra connection.

I have a set date night with my husband as well, where we try to avoid talking about house stuff, kid stuff, etc and just be on a date without the baggage of life. Lol

Since you're a stay at home parent, I am going to assume you have no or very little income of your own and that you share finances. Do you budget? Do you and wife each get x amount to spend however you want with zero input from the other? If not, you need to. Dating costs. Doesn't have to be a lot but the occasional coffee date, dinner, drinks, whatever. Are you ok with people in your home and around your child? She travels a lot which leaves you solo parenting. When is it OK for a new partner to be around when you need to stay in? Where will overnights happen?

There are a lot of practicalities to figure out. If wife travels to the same place often, her finding a long distance partner that she sees when she's in that area would be an option too.
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Oh yeah, I have little to no income, for sure, and that is a logistical thing we would have to address. But she is supportive in this regard. In terms of budget and spending, we have erred on not having set limits, but also being reasonable towards each other. Like, I am not gonna go out and buy a car. but if there was a band coming to town I wanted to see, it wouldn't be an issue to get tickets. This is good feedback, though. Honestly, I don't think we have gotten far enough to address the logistical aspects, but these are the very questions I need to be discussing when we have our chat.
 
When I first began considering opening my marriage, we had been married 20 years and had three kids that were young preteens/teenagers. After we began to explore our open marriage, he found a person, but I realized I didn't have the time or emotional bandwidth to try and date anyone myself. Of course, we had 3 kids, not 1, and I wasn't only a stay-at-home mom, I was also homeschooling our kids. They were becoming more independent learners at that point, and didn't need a babysitter anymore, but I was very involved in their lives just the same. Also, I loved them so much, I didn't have any extra love to spread around.

Once they were 16, 19 and 21 I found that I had much more time, energy and motivation to being exploring polyamory. They were also much better able to understand the concept. The 2 older kids were in the process of moving into their own places (with roommates or partners). My husband and I separated. I got my own apartment and the 16-year old kind of floated between my place and his dad's place for a while, ultimately settling in with his dad, who lived just over in the next town from me. But I still saw him often.

It was a time of transition. I wanted to be my authentic poly self. My ex and I had grown apart. Our kids were becoming more independent. I'd hit menopause too, which changed my outlook on life. I don't want to say all this was easy on the kids, but at the same time, I wanted them to see that their dad and I could change and grow, and still remain available, amicable and good co-parents.
 
As an update, we are moving forward and dipping our toes in. Thanks for the advice and introspection. It is really appreciated.

Part of me still wants to stay in my shell, in the safe space of monogamy, but it is like a weight off of my shoulders and I feel more myself.
 
Thanks for the update. Care to share more?

Most successful poly couples take a year or two to do research before they actually start trying to date others. What kind of research have you two done? How have you prepared? What are your agreements?
 
Magdlyn said:
Thanks for the update. Care to share more?

Most successful poly couples take a year or two to do research before they actually start trying to date others. What kind of research have you two done? How have you prepared? What are your agreements?
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Exactly. This has been a year-plus journey for us. And we haven't planned on dating anytime soon. We want a couple's therapist who specializes in poly to help us with research, etc., first. She is much more experienced in this area than me so I am gonna have to be a good student. It's both scary and exciting.

In terms of research, I have read a lot of Jessica Fern. I also looked at sociology papers and have read articles from the viewpoint against poly to try and falsify my own opinions. I am open to suggestions, though.
 
conscientiouslycurious said:
Exactly. This has been a year-plus journey for us. And we haven't planned on dating anytime soon. We want a couple's therapist who specializes in poly to help us with research, etc., first.
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Good.
conscientiouslycurious said:
She is much more experienced in this area than me so I am gonna have to be a good student. It's both scary and exciting.
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It's great she's experienced, but of course, she shouldn't be your only teacher.
conscientiouslycurious said:
In terms of research, I have read a lot of Jessica Fern. I also looked at sociology papers and have read articles from the viewpoint against poly to try and falsify my own opinions. I am open to suggestions, though.
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I am not familiar with Jessica Fern. As for resources we commonly recommend, at the top of the list are some books such as Opening Up and Polysecure, and there's a good podcast called Multiamory too.
 
Magdlyn said:
Good.

It's great she's experienced, but of course, she shouldn't be your only teacher.

I am not familiar with Jessica Fern. As for resources we commonly recommend, at the top of the list are some books such as Opening Up and Polysecure, and there's a good podcast called Multiamory too.
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She wrote polysecure and polywise. I haven't read Opening up or myltiamory I will check them out.
 
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