Unsure

[PolyWondring]

I’m a woman married to a sweet, funny, and very attractive man and yet I’m falling in love with a woman. I’ve always been attracted to other women, but I always talked myself out of it. I HATED to be the center of attention, so that, although destructive to myself, made sense at the time. I felt embarrassed in the locker room because I had to try not to stare at the other girls. Even now, when I go to the gym, I tell myself not to look at other women – and it’s hard for me. I often think, “She’ll know!” And then, I’ll tell myself, know what? I’m straight! I make sure I look feminine so there won’t be any doubt.

I’d also chose to date men so then I could tell myself and others non-verbally, “See, I’m straight!”

I’ve lived this lie for a while. I find women visually attractive whereas I’m attracted to men’s voices, touch, and strength. But my husband rarely turns my on – is it just because we’ve been together so long? Am I bisexual? Or lesbian?

But I won’t leave my husband. I love him and we have children together. However, he’s brought up the polyamorous lifestyle a lot lately, ever sense we met a few groups of them at something we attended a few years back. I told him, “If we meet the right person.” And now I have, but I’m so nervous it’s going to be a mistake.

Yet, I’m very particular on whom I am attracted to, so this is likely my one opportunity to try to be with a woman. My attraction to people seems largely dependent on personality and hobbies rather than appearance alone. And this woman seems like, “the one” in all categories for me. My husband doesn’t exactly fulfill all my needs in a mate since he doesn’t seem to want to be great friends with me, just a sexual companion and to help with raising kids and homemaking. I work daily with him and even research in order to spur conversation with him. We go on weekly dates and kiss each other in greeting daily, which means we get along great now but still I dislike that he isn’t as crazy about my interests as I am. His main interest is violence, but in a “let’s prevent it kind-of way,” and I just don’t even want to talk about it most of the time.

The woman I’m crushing on is as obsessed with the same hobby as I am, my main hobby in life. She’s cheerful and fit. When I first met her, I was shocked. Although, as I said, I found many women attractive, I’d hardly ever found lesbians attractive (and, although she hasn’t said she is, I believe she is based on the way she dresses and cuts her hair short). Instantly, I felt myself staring at her amazing legs, smile, and etc. and swallowing nervously. Then, it got even worse when she casually touched me on the shoulder/neck. I finally understand the lightning bolt thing. I swear, I couldn’t breathe! Another woman, who was standing next to me, surely noticed my discomfort since she asked me a question and I took WAY too long to answer. I think my crush noticed too. I was just shocked. That was the moment I realized for sure that, yes, I’m interested in other women. Without a doubt.

I’ve been so obvious about being attracted to her, it isn’t even funny. And that’s with me trying VERY hard to hide it.

And yet, she knows I’m married and have kids. There’s no way she would say anything to me or make any moves, right? The few weeks after we first met, I managed to forget about her when she wasn’t right in front of me, but now I can’t. I know her too well and I'm growing attached. I think about her, night and day, when I do dishes, get dressed, go to the gym, wake up in the middle of the night, etc. At first, I just imagined all the things we could talk about and now I imagine touching her too.

And, yes, I’ve told my husband about her and he said, “I was just joking about becoming polyamorous!” I think he’s afraid of ruining our great, yet sometimes dull, marriage. I quickly convinced him though, with the prospect of having more kids and that I’d get to have a close companion.

After that, I decided I didn’t need to hide my feelings anymore with her. Polyamory has always fascinated me. I've never felt jealousy, although I do get mad if my husband won't talk to me b/c he's too busy checking out other women. But I've never felt jealous if he's told me one of my friends is hot. I've just smiled and nodded in agreement.

But how do I proceed?

Do I tell her I have feelings for her straight out? And then tell her if she wants me, my husband is in on the deal too?

She seems to like me at least in a friendly sort of way. She definitely looks at me a lot, even though we've only met in group settings so far. But maybe that's because I look at her a lot?

And what if we starting kissing or something and then I realize that it isn’t for me after all? Maybe I just like looking at women?

Does anyone have any thoughts or advice for me? Should I abort on my feelings ASAP before someone gets hurt?

 

[confusedtink]

hi

Only advice I can offer is just make sure he really is okay with it all because sometimes they're ok with it in theory and not so much in practice.

 

[reflections]

Welcome to the forum!

I can hear how you're feeling overwhelmed! You're discovering your sexuality, rethinking your marriage, managing a household, job, and kids - it's a lot! There's no need to jump in head first. I mean this kindly -- Take some time to slow down.

I think first of all, you should do some reading. More Than Two and Opening Up are two fantastic books that will get you started. You can also check out their websites (just google each) to get started on some reading. There's a lot for you to sort out here.

I will pull out one piece of what you said to address it:

Do I tell her I have feelings for her straight out? And then tell her if she wants me, my husband is in on the deal too?

When you say "in on the deal," what do you mean? Are you saying that your husband would also date her?

There are lots of different models in open relationships. If you are suggesting that you both date her, it's a triad. But it's NOT the only way people have relationships. You can both date separately. You can date, and your partner can choose not to date. Or vice versa. Or maybe one or both of you in more interest in sexual relationships than romantic relationships. There are so many possibilities, as you'll see from reading posts here.

I know as a bi/pansexual woman, I would never be okay with being required to date someone else just to date the person I'm interested in. It would make me feel used and gross. I've heard this from many other bi women as well.

Triads are notorious for blowing up explosively. The idea of "equal love" among three partners may be lovely, but rarely ever happens well if it doesn't develop "naturally" (e.g., you and she date, many months/years pass, your partners develop an interest in each other too). I warn you not to scare you away from the idea, but to encourage you to think of all your options. I've heard so many horror stories on here about people who tried to make triads work, but the triad fell apart miserably.

So bottom line: do your research. Figure out just what you're looking for, before even considering talking to your husband or crush.

 

[FallenAngelina]

You don't sound like you're interested in poly at all, but are very interested in this woman - which is lovely. Why even be thinking about poly, just because you met some people and your husband talks about it? You're into her, not polyamory.

 

[GalaGirl]

But how do I proceed?

I agree with Reflections.

I mean all this kindly, ok?

Slow it down. You don't have to abort your feelings. You could process your feelings and put them into better perspective. You write like you are struggling with internal conflict. Exacerbated by this false sense of urgency like this will be "your only chance."

You are questioning. Maybe coming to terms with being bi and having a bisexual identity (?) and having a super crush on this woman and giving yourself permission to actually enjoy it in your head this time. Enjoy the rush from that, but leave it there for a while. Just because you feel crush things inside doesn't mean you have to act on them further or change your whole life around. It is totally ok to do nothing about it but enjoy in your head.

Leaping to forming a triad with your husband just to get him on board so you can gain access to the woman in a way that doesn't make you feel guilty for "leaving hubby behind" or "cheating on hubby" or has him around for a security blanket because you aren't totally comfortable with this side of yourself... that's not the best way to approach accepting your identity or to approach polyamory.

Polyamory is not a "solution" for other things.

The woman may have zero interest in you, poly, or the idea that she has to date or make babies with your husband in order to gain access to you. Just suggesting that to someone can be a turn off.

In fantasy -- enjoy it all you want. Enjoy your crush from afar. It's ok to share that you are experiencing a crush with your husband. How about that baby step first instead of jumping to Opening the marriage and trying to start a triad? Share that you have a crush so it is out of your head. Hopefully he's supportive and can enjoy watching you get all twitterpated til it runs its course.

In reality -- please slow it down. Feelings are not facts. You cannot help what you feel, but you CAN choose how you respond or react to those feelings.

Educate yourself on coming to terms with your sexuality and your identity first. Polyamory second. Maybe see someone you can talk to about this like a counselor who deals in LGBT and poly issues. Help you get some perspective and some guidance.

You are basically coming out to yourself which can feel overwhelming after a life of passing for straight. That's a big paradigm shift in your head right there. Not the best time to be making life changing decisions like Opening a marriage or entering a triad. Piling on more big changes is not the way.

Hang in there!

Galagirl

 

[PinkPig]

The woman I’m crushing on is as obsessed with the same hobby as I am, my main hobby in life. She’s cheerful and fit. When I first met her, I was shocked. Although, as I said, I found many women attractive, I’d hardly ever found lesbians attractive (and, although she hasn’t said she is, I believe she is based on the way she dresses and cuts her hair short).

Ditto what everyone else said. I'd also add that you don't even know whether this woman is into women! As a bisexual woman, I find the italicized part offensive. Just because a woman dresses a certain way and cuts her hair short, does not make her a lesbian. Also, I have straight, female friends who are touchy/feely with me and other female friends...some people just are naturally touchy/feely.

Aside from that, I agree with galagirl's advice.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi PolyWondring,

Perhaps the thing to do is to foster a platonic relationship with this woman you're crushing on, while at the same time reading Opening Up and More than Two. If you can, I would even suggest you and your husband read those books together.

If you'll update us here sometimes and let us know how things are going, we can maybe think of some more advice and feedback.

Hope that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[BlueGray]

I’m a woman married to a sweet, funny, and very attractive man and yet I’m falling in love with a woman. I’ve always been attracted to other women, but I always talked myself out of it. I HATED to be the center of attention, so that, although destructive to myself, made sense at the time. I felt embarrassed in the locker room because I had to try not to stare at the other girls. Even now, when I go to the gym, I tell myself not to look at other women – and it’s hard for me. I often think, “She’ll know!” And then, I’ll tell myself, know what? I’m straight! I make sure I look feminine so there won’t be any doubt.

I’d also chose to date men so then I could tell myself and others non-verbally, “See, I’m straight!”

I’ve lived this lie for a while. I find women visually attractive whereas I’m attracted to men’s voices, touch, and strength. But my husband rarely turns my on – is it just because we’ve been together so long? Am I bisexual? Or lesbian?

But I won’t leave my husband. I love him and we have children together. However, he’s brought up the polyamorous lifestyle a lot lately, ever sense we met a few groups of them at something we attended a few years back. I told him, “If we meet the right person.” And now I have, but I’m so nervous it’s going to be a mistake.

Yet, I’m very particular on whom I am attracted to, so this is likely my one opportunity to try to be with a woman. My attraction to people seems largely dependent on personality and hobbies rather than appearance alone. And this woman seems like, “the one” in all categories for me. My husband doesn’t exactly fulfill all my needs in a mate since he doesn’t seem to want to be great friends with me, just a sexual companion and to help with raising kids and homemaking. I work daily with him and even research in order to spur conversation with him. We go on weekly dates and kiss each other in greeting daily, which means we get along great now but still I dislike that he isn’t as crazy about my interests as I am. His main interest is violence, but in a “let’s prevent it kind-of way,” and I just don’t even want to talk about it most of the time.

The woman I’m crushing on is as obsessed with the same hobby as I am, my main hobby in life. She’s cheerful and fit. When I first met her, I was shocked. Although, as I said, I found many women attractive, I’d hardly ever found lesbians attractive (and, although she hasn’t said she is, I believe she is based on the way she dresses and cuts her hair short). Instantly, I felt myself staring at her amazing legs, smile, and etc. and swallowing nervously. Then, it got even worse when she casually touched me on the shoulder/neck. I finally understand the lightning bolt thing. I swear, I couldn’t breathe! Another woman, who was standing next to me, surely noticed my discomfort since she asked me a question and I took WAY too long to answer. I think my crush noticed too. I was just shocked. That was the moment I realized for sure that, yes, I’m interested in other women. Without a doubt.

I’ve been so obvious about being attracted to her, it isn’t even funny. And that’s with me trying VERY hard to hide it.

And yet, she knows I’m married and have kids. There’s no way she would say anything to me or make any moves, right? The few weeks after we first met, I managed to forget about her when she wasn’t right in front of me, but now I can’t. I know her too well and I'm growing attached. I think about her, night and day, when I do dishes, get dressed, go to the gym, wake up in the middle of the night, etc. At first, I just imagined all the things we could talk about and now I imagine touching her too.

And, yes, I’ve told my husband about her and he said, “I was just joking about becoming polyamorous!” I think he’s afraid of ruining our great, yet sometimes dull, marriage. I quickly convinced him though, with the prospect of having more kids and that I’d get to have a close companion.

After that, I decided I didn’t need to hide my feelings anymore with her. Polyamory has always fascinated me. I've never felt jealousy, although I do get mad if my husband won't talk to me b/c he's too busy checking out other women. But I've never felt jealous if he's told me one of my friends is hot. I've just smiled and nodded in agreement.

But how do I proceed?

Do I tell her I have feelings for her straight out? And then tell her if she wants me, my husband is in on the deal too?

She seems to like me at least in a friendly sort of way. She definitely looks at me a lot, even though we've only met in group settings so far. But maybe that's because I look at her a lot?

And what if we starting kissing or something and then I realize that it isn’t for me after all? Maybe I just like looking at women?

Does anyone have any thoughts or advice for me? Should I abort on my feelings ASAP before someone gets hurt?

(((hugs))) as someone who was very confused on being attracted women I totally understand.

I do not currently have a relationship with a women but if I did that relationship would be completely separate from what I have with my husband and my boyfriend. What I find so very sexually attractive about women has NOTHING to do with what I find attractive about my men.

I'm Jealous ... I know stupid seeing as I have a husband and a boyfriend but they are completely different.

I'm all about honesty, at times brutal honesty. I don't believe in wasting time or hurting someone else or myself in "day dreams". Maybe I'm to old but I've found life is just to short to waste time on anyone who isn't attracted to me, man or woman.