Update regarding a blow up

It really isn't her son it's her.. She is putting her need and want to see the grandchild above her commitment to me for that weekend.. actually it is selfishness on her part..I don't feel the least bit selfish.. I know she is in the wrong.😟

I am not going to end things.. but I am going to take a step back and stop investing so much in this relationship..and I am definately going to stop planning things with gf.. and if she wants to get together I am going to wait til she asks. I am not going to ask her anymore to do things for awhile..

Heartbroken
 
I'm sorry that what you were afraid would happen did actually happen and that she doesn't feel like she needs to keep plans. What she did is incredibly rude! I could understand if you hadn't already made reservations and put money into the plans already, but that would seriously cross a line for me. You're kinder than I am since you're willing to stick it out, but I think it makes sense to no longer give her such priority in your life if she can't be bothered to do the same.
 
lisa6 said:
It turns out that the date night at a resort with gf, husband and myself is most likely the same weekend that her son want her to watch the grandchild so he can go out with friends. I have had this weekend planned with we girlfriend since first week in May..

I offered to reschedule the date night if I could..it turns out I can't...I asked if she could tell the son that she was busy one of those nights but could watch the grandchild the other night.. she doesn't want to do that.. so basically she is cancelling a date we have planned for weeks because she got asked to babysit her grandchild..

I understand her desire to want to see the grandchild.. the grandchild doesn't live locally.. but I see this as a failure on her part to keep commitments and I see it as her inability to sacrifice her needs and wants for her partner.. not that she should always sacrifice.. but in this case when you make plans with someone and those plans are important to someone and hundreds of dollars spent on it than you should keep your word..
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That sucks totally. Perhaps you should avoid making plans that involve her or at least elaborate ones and stick to the kind of stuff she is able to follow through on. Maybe spontaneous.

It is sad that you saw this coming and could do nothing to head it off. Your frustration in the previous thread makes a lot more sense now. Perhaps you should also have a talk with her and explain how you feel and ask her what she can realistically commit to the relationship so that you don't expect more. But you should be able to count on that short of an emergency (conflict of plans is not an emergency).
 
I am not sure OP if you have children.

But children trump adults. If my boys have something special going on they get put above everyone else. If they are sick then going out doesn't happen. I know when my kids have kids I am going to want to spend lots of time with my grandchildren. Especially if they live out of the area.
 
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Hi..

We have several of our own children. 7 kids.. youngest 4 yrs old..

since we had prior plans I think GF should have kept the plans..

Now I can't make any sort of special plans in the future.. How can I make special plans in the future knowing that she is just going to cancel if she gets asked to babysit? The plans we made cost me several hundred dollars...she complained once when I changed plans with her and it cost her $5.00

Your word is your word..

I have only changed plans with her once in two years..

Her explanations don't hold water with me

We were going to take her into the city for a $1000.00 dinner this summer.. I will never do that now..

Wanted to do so many nice things for her 😳
 
Do those nice things for you and your hubby instead. Make the weekend about the two of you :)

I am sorry that she continues to place you/your needs at the bottom of her list. I think it's completely reasonable for you to leave the plans to her in the future.
 
Thank you..

Iam really struggling a lot..

We are spending a family weekend with gf this weeekend with all the kids i don't know how I will make it thru..

I am a mess all bawled up with hurt and anger..
 
It certainly sounds like there is not a fit between your expectations and her behavior. You could sit down and process it with her, if you get the chance, given her busy schedule. But I wouldn't count on convincing her she should prioritize your expensive dates over priceless time with her grandchild (or whatever else she has cancelled plans for in the past - her explanations "don't hold water" with you, but I don't remember reading what they were). If there's really a pattern here, she's communicating pretty clearly that you (and your money) aren't the priority you expect to be.

Will you go to the resort for the weekend with your husband? Maybe that's a good time to talk with him about what you each need from the relationships with your girlfriend.
 
If she makes you this miserable why are you dating her?
 
I don't always feel misearable about the relationship..

I jut tend to come to the board when I am feeling frustrated..

We have been friends forever before the relationship and she is my closest confidant And my favorite person to laugh with.

She has a ton of terrific qualities that make me smile
 
lisa6 said:
she complained once when I changed plans with her and it cost her $5.00
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and

We were going to take her into the city for a $1000.00 dinner this summer.. I will never do that now..

Wanted to do so many nice things for her 😳
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One thing that occurs to me is that you may not be seeing the spending of money in a similar way. For example I think the hotel room is $365, the nice thing you planned to do for her is $1000. What you cancelled on her was $5. It is a huge gap in disappointment caused, if measured by the cost to the wallet. $1365 and $5.

Does she value things done together in a similar manner? People attach value in various ways. For example, Spexy once calculated how much money he had spent on our relationship. The amount as it tallied over the years was jaw dropping. Not surprisingly, given that a massive chunk of it was just flights between two cities. He had also spent a lot of money buying things for my son and me. He picked up part of my son's hospital bill for an emergency surgery. Other things I coveted and he purchased for me because I would enjoy them. Yet, I think offhand, if he were to be asked how much he spent on our relationship, he would at best have a rough figure - even though he had calculated in detail, checking his bank account sheets. My situation is even worse. I'd be off by a hundred thousand dollars, easy.

What did I spend on him? Next to nothing compared with him. I don't remember that amount either. But I made handmade chocolates and soaps for him, gave him things he found uniquely useful and so did he. I'm not as attracted by the very expensive flights (that made our relationship possible!) as I will always remember when he bought me everything on a wish list I had. I was reminded of us by the $1365 and $5 gap.

Perhaps your girlfriend doesn't understand the value of the things she is refusing in your perception? Or perhaps you are offering her a different kind of value from what matters to her?

One possibility is to discuss with her what she finds special about a gift or a treat, and if her expectations are less about money, you could make plans for being with her that address what she enjoys in a gift or treat and maybe aren't so expensive so that you don't feel the disappointment as badly if she is not able to follow through.

People are different. When we got engaged, I told Spexy not to bother with a ring because it would be wasted on me and he already spends a lot just to be able to be with us often enough. His mother already had a ring to give me, which is a different matter, but if she didn't have, Spexy wouldn't buy one and I most certainly wouldn't even notice. What is an engagement without a ring? Imagine. For us? Fun. Who cares about a ring? Now I have one and it is sitting on my finger and doing nothing particularly useful. Do I not value a diamond ring? Truthfully? It is ok. It isn't a big deal, but I wear it because Spexy put it on me. I have no idea what it costs.
 
You mentioned let down by what you perceive to be continual behaviour of this sort. It makes you feel like she doesn't value you as much as you do her. You mentioned something along the lines of feeling yourself emotionally pull away or at least not wanting to plan such intricate activities with her again. Makes sense. No one wants to go through the pain you're feeling twice by making the same mistake.

Makes me think again about my match-mismatch model of relationship dynamics which I proposed in a precious thread but 3 people said it didn't really fit them. But your situation makes me think of it again. If your interest in a partner is matched by their interest, you're basically happy. If your partner shows too much affection it can be uncomfortable and come across as creepy, needy, clingy or any number of similar negative adjectives. If your partner is showing you less affection than you would give in return, then your discomfort can manifest as hurt, betrayal, anger, insecurity, maybe jealousy. Basically, a mismatch in affection will cause discomfort. Maybe that's just obvious, but the side effects of this might explain a lot of things we see on this thread. I might gather my thoughts a little more on this then start a thread. I'd look forward to your thoughts on this.
 
Hi lisa6,

I think that's rotten of your girlfriend to make conflicting plans, if that's what she's done. Has she gotten back with you yet? Is there a conflict? I hope she's not just putting you off at this point.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Hi lisa6,

I'm sorry to hear that your girlfriend let you down, I think that was really crappy of her. Maybe next time she can make the plans, and you can cancel on her, see how she likes it. I don't mean that of course. But I would in the future, if I were you, always assume that she's going to cancel, in any plans that include her. In other words maybe she doesn't need to be included in as many plans in the future. Especially the expensive plans. Or the plans that really need her to be there. She might not like not being needed, but look what happens when she is needed.

I guess I'm venting a little ... on your behalf. But you get the idea.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
We have been friends forever before the relationship and she is my closest confidant And my favorite person to laugh with.

She has a ton of terrific qualities that make me smile
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I wonder if it would be less disappointing for you to go back to enjoying her as a friend? And stop trying to be girlfriends?

Because you guys don't sound like a match for dating if you are upset about canceled plans a lot. It's like you are more into dating her than she is into dating you. :(

Galagirl
 
So if you followed my story : gf cancelled a preplanned night at a resort with hubby and me because her son asked her to watch the grand baby for the weekend so he can go out..

We were actually able to reschedule the resort night for a different weekend..I was so excited..

But gf had to cancel again because turns out that the baby is getting baptized that weekend..

So totally frustrated..

Gf just has no time for a relationship..

Feeling so sad because Iam so close to being done with this..

I almost wonder if her son isn't reading her messages through the i cloud.. seems too coincidental..

And he has been known to do that in the past ..

Whatever this is for the birds
 
I should add that I re-read her text... she wil be leaving in a Sat to go to the baby's baptism..(baby lives 2 hrs away) the baby is being baptized the next day on Sun.. our rescheduled date for the resort was for Mon night because she has off Tuesday.. so she could have absolutely come home Monday afternoon to make our date nite..but she already made the choice to cancel the date night and stay another night away..

So yeah I am mad..

My husband and I are keeping the original nite we had planned for the resort without her.. not rescheduling again with someone who could careless about keeping plans especially when it isn't impossible to keep the plans
 
Jeezh, she doesn't sound very interested in maintaining a relationship with you. Sorry she's acting like that.
 
Maybe she is just not that into you any longer but is afraid of hurting your feelings.

I would get the relationship go and let her move on or go back to being platonic.
 
Don't know whether she is that eager about your relationship or not, or just has very poor boundaries when it comes to families. Mothers and grandmothers can get pretty "tunnel-visioned" into the roles.

On another thread, you have also spoken of her issues with coping with divorce, getting independent on her own, stopping meds when she lost health insurance, etc. Seems like she has a lot going on. It is possible that she is clinging to family to escape her vulnerability and doesn't actually mean to let you down.

Regardless, I think this is not working for you and you should either dial down your relationship with her to something more casual that happens based on spontaneous availability and no major events planned, or go back to being friends. You could also choose to do a temporary break and just be friends till her other issues are sorted out - job, meds, financial security and general stability and routine in life that allow her to be more "herself".
 
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