Update

[epiphany]

I will keep this brief

Background - married 12 years BDSM relationship 2 years ago He asked to take a slave... He struggled for a very long time feeling guilty and never moved forward with her outside of threesomes... She now lives with U/us as His slave and yes they now have a sexual relationship... I have done so much emotional work on myself and was at the point where everything except penetration was completely bearable emotionally... Surprise surprise I have been lied to and they have had actual intercourse a few times

I am angry about the lies and being excluded from what I feel I have a right to know about (not details of course)...

Until this i was so in love with him... He was everything for me all my sexual needs and fantasies and everything and until her I thought I was that for him... I can't even imagine sex without him and well clearly he doesn't share that

Right now I hate him
I hate him so much for making me all those promises of monogamy and being a one woman man and I hate him that it's ok for him to have sex with someone else but He can't even handle if I flirt with another man I hope it's the hurt talking the hurt over the lies the hurt over the sex the hurt over being pushed too fast...

right now... I am thinking divorce because everything that made our marriage so special is gone... I used to feel so accepted and loved by him and free to be me in front of him... Now I'm guarded and while he doesn't know it there is a HUGE WALL between us... sex used to be so emotional and intimate and now I feel detached and not really me

Anyone go through his and get through it?

I don't want polyamory no way no how I want to be loved the way I love but last year the thought of her giving him a bj killed me and now I could care less

 

[GalaGirl]

I am so sorry. It sounds like you are done here and have a lot of hurts and disappointments. Could part ways as quickly and cleanly as possible so you can move on to the healing place and you can start to feel better in time.

Again, I am so sorry.

Galagirl

 

[epiphany]

No not done

No I am not done

I am hurt and I am angry but I am not done

i have done the work to accept so much... I wasn't ready for this and in the hurt I have shut down

I was just curious if anyone else has worked through this... A year ago I was this devastated over oral sex and it doesn't even cause an emotional ripple now so I have to believe I can get there

But I'm pissed that they lied
I'm pissed that they knew I wasn't ready and hid it
i have completely shut down emotionally...

i am most assuredly not walking away from the best (albeit flawed) man I have ever been with

just wanted help with emotions and how other people handled it

 

[GalaGirl]

So you are not thinking about divorce? Since you mentioned that and mentioned no longer wanting to polyship I thought you were done, and needed help processing breaking up feelings. If you want to end it, I think quick and clean is best.

If you are not sure what you want at this point in time, I think a time out is best, so that you can do some self care. And hopefully talk with a counselor to help you get your thoughts in order and help you determine your healthiest desired outcome and a plan.

I truly am sorry you are dealing in this.

Galagirl

 

[puzzles]

I am sorry you are going through this epiphany. I have never gone through something like this, but I understand your pain. I think you need to take time for yourself (away from them both), work on yourself emotionally, and also decide where you want to go from here.

When you are of clearer head and less emotionally upset talk to them both. Lay out how you feel and explain the hurt you feel. Let them know what needs to happen to make things more comfortable for you. If there needs to be boundaries, state them. If you need your husband's slave to give you and your husband some space and alone time, state it.

Honestly it seems like their relationship took a natural course, but you weren't ready for it. If you aren't ready for your husband to have these types of relationships then be honest with him. Maybe just have a slave when you guys want to play in that setting, but not have one in your own home and personal life.

Please take some time for yourself, have a good cry, then get your head together and have a much needed talk with your husband. There is nothing wrong with stating what you want and what you need.

 

[sparklepop]

Hi epiphany,

Oh God, this is awful. I really am so sorry for what you are going through.

Yes, I've definitely dealt with partners' lies/withholding of information/broken boundaries in both poly and monogamous relationships. It's horrible. I've learnt some interesting lessons through all of this and I hope that sharing them with you helps you to try to collect your thoughts.

One thing I have learnt, which might be difficult for you right now but that I know ultimately always helps me in these situations, is that whilst there is no excuse for lying, there is sometimes a reason that can be understood with some soul-searching and extreme empathy.

Sometimes we can set boundaries on, or assert control over, a partner's behaviour that almost sets our partner up to fail. Although I believe everyone has control over what they do and whether or not they choose to be honest about it, I can see how some situations cause people to withhold information. People can also have a way of denying to THEMSELVES that they are doing anything wrong. In order to deal with their own guilt, they literally become convinced that it's a minor and irrelevant infraction to the point where they blank out the act.

I also recognise that I've been guilty in the past of two things:
1. Responding so emotionally or extremely to certain issues or possibilities that my partner was scared to be open with me. This caused emotional distance between us, which is when couples can start retreating into their own private worlds and behaving in a manner that shows less commitment and connection to the partnership.
2. Insisting on boundaries based purely on my own discomfort rather than a realistic view of what is likely to happen.

Another thing that both my girlfriend and I have been guilty of is making agreements that one of us doesn't really agree to, deep-down. Also, turning a blind eye to small protests and choosing to believe that each other are completely on-board with an agreement. For instance, my GF and I have always had an agreement that we would practice safe sex. About 8 months ago ago, my GF started to say things like "with the right person, or if we've been with someone for a while, I don't think it's absolutely essential" and "ideally, protection would be used, but I understand that it might not always be possible". I didn't like this at all. The conversation became tense and we buried it under the carpet. Sure enough, about a week later, she slept with one of her other partners for the first time. Upon questioning, she revealed that she hadn't used protection. I was devastated. But had I really listened to her opinions in the first place? Or had I decided what was right for us without amendment or further discussion?

My girlfriend was equally accountable, of course. Upon realising that we weren't on the same page, she could have initiated a discussion. She could have had the emotional maturity to be open even though she knew it would be a stressful conversation. This is something your husband must work on if you are going to get through this.

You could also start to move past this by looking at your part in the situation. You could ask yourself whether you were being realistic or fair when you set the no-penetration boundary (assuming it was set by you and agreed to by hubby?). You could reflect on whether you have contributed to an environment where it's not safe for your husband to be open about what he wants or errors that he's made.

I find that realising my own contributions to a relationship problem is an important part of being in a partnership, and it also helps me to remember that I am flawed just as my partner might be.

However, your husband also has some hefty responsibility here. How did you find out about this in the first place? And how has he acted since? Is he accepting his mistake and trying to find a way to support you through this and mend the trust he has broken? Does he acknowledge that breaking this boundary and keeping this information from you is damaging and frankly not ok?

Oftentimes, it's what happens after it all comes out that really determines whether or not you can move past this as a couple.

Finally, I'd ensure that your husband knows how serious this is and what the consequences will be if he lies to you again. Then I'd start with an open discussion about why your husband kept this from you in the first place. And perhaps make him aware of the consequences that have already happened - the loss of intimacy you feel, and your detachment from him.