My story is long and complicated.
I have been with my husband for 25 years, more than half my life, married for almost 18 years, with 2 young kids, ages 4 and 8.
Very early into our relationship, it became clear to me that he was excited about the idea of me with other men. He identifies as a "cuckold," at term I still have trouble accepting. I have admittedly taken advantage of his psychology over the years. I have never sought out men, in fact, almost all of the relationships I have been in have been engineered by my husband, but I have definitely had lots of fun.
There is a pattern to how these relationships end though, the ones that last for more than a few months. I inevitably get too attached and more desirous of something that is more than a caricature of a relationship, so he asks that I leave or he asks the man to leave or he undermines the relationship in some way.
My current relationship, which has just ended, was with a mutual friend (more his friend than mine), who we have known for about 10 years. For years my husband has asked me to consider a relationship with him. I resisted, but finally gave it a go about 2.5 years ago.
At first I just saw him every few weeks, when he came to town for business, but over the years, our meetings increased in frequency to once a week. We would meet at hotels but he started staying in our house (in the guest room) for convenience, and also cause my husband preferred it that way. But my husband has never been allowed to watch, which he hasn't been happy about. I have never spent the whole night with him unless my husband isn't home. As we have clearly become more intimate emotionally, my husband has been come increasingly more distressed, even though I have reassured him that I have had no intention of leaving him.
I suggested my husband should date too. But he took a prospective girlfriend on a date and ended up taking her to meet my boyfriend, either to flex his muscles, offer her up as an alternative, or arrange some type of threesome/foursome (a way to get in the room with us). Who knows? The whole thing was so unsettling, never mind that presumption of no agency on the part of the woman.
My amazing boyfriend, however, has not been so amazing after all. He has been cheating on his live-in girlfriend, who he met around the time I became more involved with him, who he subsequently moved in with and had a child with. So the whole thing was doomed from the get go.
Everything came to a head a couple of weeks ago. My boyfriend stayed over for 3 days straight. My husband lost it.
To give some brief background, my husband has been struggling with mental health issues for many years. In fact about three years ago, before the latest relationship, we almost got divorced because of issues surrounding drugs.
After the 3 day visit, which actually was pretty disappointing from my perspective (was hoping for more time together but we were both so busy with work, sex was underwhelming), my husband lost it. He went on a drug binge, crashed the car, and lent my boyfriend a lot money (without my consent) so that he could go on a vacation with his live-in girlfriend, to repair all the damage from being away so much. My husband did us all a huge favor with this explosion. The whole thing is over and not soon enough.
For months I have been stalking this forum, interested in alternative ethical arrangements. But fundamentally, my husband and I want different things. I want us to date freely and separately. I want intimacy, which he finds too threatening. But I may instead want to be single, dating, perhaps monogamously...anything but a cuckold scenario. I am fatigued with the cuckold fantasy. I don't like my expected role. I feel manipulated and controlled. I suspect men who seek this out, a more explicit dom role, are more often than not grifters. And I don't think he has fully come to terms with how his own desire for men plays into things.
Then there are the other problems in our marriage (mental health, drug addiction, etc).
It has only been a week since breaking off things with my cheating boyfriend. I am reeling emotionally (but I will get over him) and my husband is already talking about setting up something new, that he is "fully in control of", obviously. Finding a local man who wants to "date us" and not just me. Who is single and not cheating. Who has more time to seem us (really???).
And I just want to flee...as devastating as that would be.
I have been with my husband for 25 years, more than half my life, married for almost 18 years, with 2 young kids, ages 4 and 8.
Very early into our relationship, it became clear to me that he was excited about the idea of me with other men. He identifies as a "cuckold," at term I still have trouble accepting. I have admittedly taken advantage of his psychology over the years. I have never sought out men, in fact, almost all of the relationships I have been in have been engineered by my husband, but I have definitely had lots of fun.
There is a pattern to how these relationships end though, the ones that last for more than a few months. I inevitably get too attached and more desirous of something that is more than a caricature of a relationship, so he asks that I leave or he asks the man to leave or he undermines the relationship in some way.
My current relationship, which has just ended, was with a mutual friend (more his friend than mine), who we have known for about 10 years. For years my husband has asked me to consider a relationship with him. I resisted, but finally gave it a go about 2.5 years ago.
At first I just saw him every few weeks, when he came to town for business, but over the years, our meetings increased in frequency to once a week. We would meet at hotels but he started staying in our house (in the guest room) for convenience, and also cause my husband preferred it that way. But my husband has never been allowed to watch, which he hasn't been happy about. I have never spent the whole night with him unless my husband isn't home. As we have clearly become more intimate emotionally, my husband has been come increasingly more distressed, even though I have reassured him that I have had no intention of leaving him.
I suggested my husband should date too. But he took a prospective girlfriend on a date and ended up taking her to meet my boyfriend, either to flex his muscles, offer her up as an alternative, or arrange some type of threesome/foursome (a way to get in the room with us). Who knows? The whole thing was so unsettling, never mind that presumption of no agency on the part of the woman.
My amazing boyfriend, however, has not been so amazing after all. He has been cheating on his live-in girlfriend, who he met around the time I became more involved with him, who he subsequently moved in with and had a child with. So the whole thing was doomed from the get go.
Everything came to a head a couple of weeks ago. My boyfriend stayed over for 3 days straight. My husband lost it.
To give some brief background, my husband has been struggling with mental health issues for many years. In fact about three years ago, before the latest relationship, we almost got divorced because of issues surrounding drugs.
After the 3 day visit, which actually was pretty disappointing from my perspective (was hoping for more time together but we were both so busy with work, sex was underwhelming), my husband lost it. He went on a drug binge, crashed the car, and lent my boyfriend a lot money (without my consent) so that he could go on a vacation with his live-in girlfriend, to repair all the damage from being away so much. My husband did us all a huge favor with this explosion. The whole thing is over and not soon enough.
For months I have been stalking this forum, interested in alternative ethical arrangements. But fundamentally, my husband and I want different things. I want us to date freely and separately. I want intimacy, which he finds too threatening. But I may instead want to be single, dating, perhaps monogamously...anything but a cuckold scenario. I am fatigued with the cuckold fantasy. I don't like my expected role. I feel manipulated and controlled. I suspect men who seek this out, a more explicit dom role, are more often than not grifters. And I don't think he has fully come to terms with how his own desire for men plays into things.
Then there are the other problems in our marriage (mental health, drug addiction, etc).
It has only been a week since breaking off things with my cheating boyfriend. I am reeling emotionally (but I will get over him) and my husband is already talking about setting up something new, that he is "fully in control of", obviously. Finding a local man who wants to "date us" and not just me. Who is single and not cheating. Who has more time to seem us (really???).
And I just want to flee...as devastating as that would be.
