V, possible N, have questions, need insight


New member

I have two incredible men I am smitten by for various reasons. Each have their own qualities I'm drawn to.

They both have known each other a long time. Male 1 is a dominant male and sometimes possessive or, I say, jealous/territorial. I don't mind it so much. But I've opened up to wanting a V relationship with Male 2. He is very submissive and more emotional.

Male 1's insecurities have jumped out and he thinks a V wouldn't be OK. He says, "I don't want to share," but is wanting a female added. I'm bisexual and dominant myself, so this wouldn't bother me, but I don't connect with people easily, and I have connected deeply with Male 2 already.

I told Male 1 he could seek out a separate partner himself, but no secrets. She would have to know about me and everything.

The huge obstacle is, neither guy can see my vision. They both say they don't want to share me. But both would be willing to have threesomes and flings with me.

Am I missing something here? They both have similar interests and have been friends for many years. I'm currently only with Male 1, but emotionally I'm with Male 2.

I've explained to Male 1 that I hate the way it is now. Is there a way I can communicate to them both better? I'm very open with them both and they both have had the "I'm poly" talk. But when the last min comes to it they back out, not wanting to "share" me.

I've been with Male 1 for 8 years and he's still not secure. He's insecure. He admits it.

Neither would try to take me away from the other, so I'm lost. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
With respect, if what you want is to pursue a polyamorous relationship, it doesn't sound like you'll be doing it with these two people. It sounds like both of them want to have an exclusive relationship with you.
I've realized your possibly right and I might have to end ties with Male 2. Male 1 is willing to follow this with me, but it might have to be with another partner. It's heartbreaking, but I might have to realize I can't force it.
I'm sorry you struggle. I don't know if any of this would help you, but here is how it sounds to me.

The guys can't see my vision and both say they don't want to share me.

Then respect their "No, thanks. I don't want to be in a poly V and be one of your two BFs."

But both with me would have threesomes and flings. Am I missing something here?

Yes. Casual group sex is not the same thing as polyamory. It can be "one and done," if the people felt like it, unlike poly, which is longer-lasting relationships. Group sex is not a requirement in poly. It's a thing of its own. It is a type of non-monogamy, but it is not polyamory type non-monogamy, like chicken noodle is a kind of soup, but not all soups are chicken-noodle type. There can be tomato, clam chowder, etc.

Polyamory is a kind of non-monogamy. But not all non-monogamy is polyamory. There can be casual sex, group sex, swinging, kink, etc.

I'm very open with them both and they both have had the "I'm poly" talk.

Newbies mix up vocab all the time. Ask what they mean when they say "polyamory." It might mean they want poly for them, but not for you. Like Male 1 is up for HIM having more than one partner, but not you. Or he wants a one-penis policy, and expects to at least get group sex with your female partners. That's not reasonable, but people are weird sometimes.

I've been with Male 1 for 8 years and he's still not secure. He's insecure. He admits it.

To me, 8 years is a lot. I'd start wondering if I still wanted to be with Male 1 and live with his insecurity forever, if he's not willing to work on himself. I might think about ending it with him, or ending it with both if what I wanted was a poly V. But I am not you. You have to decide what you want to do in your life.


Hello honeybeeV,

It sounds like you need to sit down with Male 1 and Male 2, and explain that as they are friends with each other, they should be willing to share with each other. Also point out that it would be unfair for them to have it open on their side, but not on your side. They need to consent to a V, it's the only thing that makes sense.

Kevin T.