V Relationship Quarantine Help

P

PolyInfo

New member
Hello, I hope this is the right place to ask this. I'm new to this board, but I'm not new to poly. I have practiced consensual non-monogamy my whole adult life.

I'm in a bit of a situation and wanted to reach out for some advice or tips on V relationships.

My husband and I have been together for 6 years and almost married 2. We have no children, so living an alternate lifestyle has never really been an issue.

We both have play partners that come to the house regularly. Essentially friends with benefits. We all hang out, go to things together, etc but when our day is over we all go separate ways until the next visit. They never spent the night. Usually it's a once per week meet-up for each.

About 6 months ago my husband found a new play partner which he really likes. She happened to be Bi, and so am I, so we had several successful joint play sessions together. It was fun and my husband's first threesome (tho not mine).

As his feelings for her started to grow, I found myself pulling back a bit. While I enjoy play, I've never had anything but friendship from my other partners.

He admitted that he grew to love her and wanted to spend more time with her. I'm not new to NRE and so I tried to be patient and let them figure it out. That was several months ago.

Recently they have started spending the whole night together (one weekend a month) and I'm struggling really badly with it.

When he stays over at her house it's still hard but not as hard as these last 6 weeks. She's been quarantined with us.

They play daily and have general together time and I'm feeling kind of left out. My sex drive isn't nearly as strong as there's and it's hard not to feel lacking.

It doesn't help that we cannot leave and take a break from each other. But there is talk of her moving in and it's made me anxious. I really like her as a person. She's nice and kind. She's smart and helps out around the house. I don't find fault in her whatsoever.

But I'm still struggling. I feel like I miss my husband. We don't have the time to connect like we used to. We used to lay in bed and talk/cuddle on the nights we didn't play. Now he spends an hour every night before bed having sex with her. He's tired by the time he comes and lays down with me and falls right to sleep.

I've tried to talk to him about my feelings but his only answer is that he's happy and I should want him to be happy. That he loves us both and it's essentially the way it is. Obviously I do want him happy, but that doesn't mean this isn't hard on me. Especially on nights where he spends the whole night with her and I just lay in the next room hearing them.

I've asked him if this new development means that I can start dating someone as well. Which he has answered no, he wouldn't be comfortable with that. He admits that it is greedy and self centered but it's the way he feels. I'm still working on how I feel about that. I don't like being in a hypocritical situation. It's not that I want a deeper relationship with someone but it's the fact he can have one and I cannot that bothers me.

I admit things are convoluted enough right now without adding another person's needs/wants into the mix. But that still leaves me nights alone and I'm feeling lonely without the cuddle time I'm used to. I feel stupid and needy.

When they play during the day it's not so bad because I can stay busy, watch TV, go on social media, hang out outside in the backyard, play with the dog, etc. But night time has been killer on my emotions. I'm having severe separation issues to the point where I cannot help but lay there and cry. I'm not sleeping well and my insomnia has kicked up, even when he sleeps with me. My sex drive is almost non existent because this situation has been a turn off for me.

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle nights without your SO? I'm trying to use this time to figure out why I feel anxious and work on my own self issues, but any tips would be appreciated.

Thanks!
 
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I don't think you should be expected to just handle it. It is he who is doing a lousy job. You just need to make your needs known better and he needs to listen to them.

Explain that you need him to manage his time better. He is totally caught up in NRE right now. It's also not right that he makes a decision to move someone in without your input. And why is he so insecure that he doesn't want you to date men beyond casually.

Really, he is the one who has problems that need to be worked out. He is not handling things well at all.
 
I am certainly no expert and very much a newcomer here myself.
I was reading your story and was with everything which is going on until you wrote about your husband not agreeing to you dating another person. That for me is totally unfair, badly handled and selfish. No way can he, in my opinion, expect to be sleeping with his new girlfriend every night and deny you the freedom to do the same.
My understanding of Poly relationships is that all parties are happy and encourage one another's happiness. It doesn't look to me that your husband is doin that.
Like I said I'm no expert. but I have been married for 30 years and I know fairness when I see it. Good luck in your quest for mutual happiness x
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
Is there a kink dynamic at play here too?
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My husband and I are into spanking, so while there is a power exchange element, it's not all the time like you would find in a 24/7 bdsm relationship.

We are very much partners outside of a particular scene.

I'm going to go ahead and address the other comments as well in this post.

As for her moving in with us. While they brought it up it was discussed with me. She currently lives 3 hours away and her moving closer will require a job/house change. While it could be done, I do think the right thing is to offer her at least temporary housing during the transition. I have suggested 6 months as a trial basis.

I try to take into consideration that they do have a relationship, even if I don't particularly agree with him going over pre-discussed boundaries, it's happened and there isn't a way to unring that bell. So trying to find a new baseline to work from.

It certainly wasn't her fault because she had no obligation to me, so it wouldn't be right to penalize her by asking her to go rent an apartment without a job. If I was moving for someone I would want them to offer me a place at least temporarily until I could get my feet stable.

Prior to this lockdown, they had an every 2 week schedule where she would come up for a weekend and then he would go to her place for the weekend.

I know she wants more over nights with him. She's asked for an over night every week and we have kind of settled into a one weekend a month arrangement right now. I have asked them to try and slow down a bit while I adjust. My husband did accommodate that, and I don't want to give the wrong impression of him. While ideally he wouldn't have any over nights with her, that's unrealistic. He has already told me that won't happen.

Which is why I am looking for advice on separation anxiety.
 
Hello PolyInfo,

You should definitely be allowed to start dating someone, since that is what your husband is already doing. I don't have much sympathy for how he feels about it. He knows it's greedy and self-centered but continues to tell you no anyway? Not cool. Definitely not okay. But, my impression is that you don't want to pester him any further about that, you just want to know how to be okay with the situation as it now stands. There is a post for coping strategies, how to cope when a partner is with someone else ... the address is http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?p=292690

I know it's not much, but I hope that may help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
You're in poly hell. Your husband is being horribly rude and ignoring your needs. He knows you spend nights alone crying? And he doesn't care?

The gf has spent the last 6 weeks in your house and your husband fucks her day and night and ignores you? And if he pays attention to you it's to say you can't date anyone else? And he knows he's selfish and he doesn't care?

What the fuck????

Read this:http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

It's time to decide if you want to stay married to this man. That is all just so incredibly rude and horrifying. You do not need to let anyone live in your house that you don't choose. It's YOUR house. You pay mortage or rent? Your house, your rules.

Sure, he's happy with his new and shiny. Good for him. But he's shoving his NRE in your face. That's just unacceptable. That would not cause me to have compersion!

I know the pandemic is doing weird things to all of us. But having a honeymoon with a new woman while you cry alone in bed is just.... it's just low. He's going to lose you. As the article says, he may not change unless you start to pack your bags.
 
PolyInfo said:
I am looking for advice on separation anxiety.
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You don't need advice on separation anxiety, you need to clarify your boundaries. Your separation anxiety is talking to you loud and clear. Listen.

You said that boundaries were crossed, but what you mean is that rules were broken. Boundaries are not rules between people. Boundaries are part of your internal navigation system and they are for you, not for your parter. You have a sense of what you want, but you are not standing by what is important to you. You're getting caught up in "what poly should be" instead of living squarely in what you want. Poor boundaries. People with poor boundaries attract partners who take advantage. The way to change this for the better is no to set up more rules trying to legislate the other's behavior, but to work on your boundaries. No negotiation involved. You need to clarify for yourself what is important to you, not be negotiating how to best preserve the marriage or the "what poly should be." Lot's of people get caught up in "what poly should be." Hence, the term poly hell that SeasonedPoly referenced.

It sounds like you and your husband had more of a swinging agreement and a life with which you both felt comfortable. FWBs are more of a recent concept in the swinging community, but definitely a thing. FWBs play and socialize, but do not enter into the arena of intimacies and responsibilities that are associated with being in a couple. The couple is emotionally monogamous while sexually and socially non-monogamous. This isn't poly per se, it's really swinging with friends. Just because your husband veered into poly doesn't mean that you have to follow - and it sounds like you not only don't want to follow, but everything inside of you is screaming for you not to. The answer isn't to contort yourself into someone who can somehow manage to be OK with his GF, but for you to do some soul searching and ask yourself what you value. You won't find any satisfaction from asking your husband to behave better until you know clearly what you want and stand by it.



PolyInfo said:
While ideally he wouldn't have any over nights with her, that's unrealistic. He has already told me that won't happen.
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This is an example of you not standing by what is important to you. You're placing accommodation of his desires above your own values. There's your anxiety right there. Your anxiety isn't something to overcome, it's something to be appreciated. What is your anxiety telling you about a situation in which "ideally he wouldn't have any overnights" (which is legitimately what you value) but he goes ahead and uses the pandemic excuse to roll all over this value of yours, a value that he previously shared with you? Don't try to tame your anxiety, listen to it. Thank it for its unrelenting clarity.

Don't ask yourself how to preserve your marriage, ask yourself what is important to you. What do you value? What do you want? Good relationships are not the result of endless accommodation, but happen when partners know what is important to them, stand by their values and then attract others who are drawn to the same.
 
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Wow your husband is behaving like an ass.

I too would love both my guys under one roof but it would make both my husbands very uncomfortable. They both like being kings of their own castle. Everyone's home should be their safe place. I do not have the right to force my wants upon others. If it isn't working for you having the girlfriend as a roommate then she needs to go home or find other living arrangements.

I would look hubby dead in the face and say if you get to have your cake and eat it too then so do I. There is no negotiating and no putting limits on my body. He does not like it he knows where the door is. NRE is no excuse for asshole behavior.
 
Dagferi said:
Wow your husband is behaving like an ass.

I too would love both my guys under one roof but it would make both my husbands very uncomfortable. They both like being kings of their own castle. Everyone's home should be their safe place. I do not have the right to force my wants upon others. If it isn't working for you having the girlfriend as a roommate then she needs to go home or find other living arrangements.

I would look hubby dead in the face and say if you get to have your cake and eat it too then so do I. There is no negotiating and no putting limits on my body. He does not like it he knows where the door is. NRE is no excuse for asshole behavior.
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Dagferi, are you still going between both homes?
 
So your husband gets a girlfriend and anything he wants and you should be happy for his happiness.

You are told to remain monogamous and there's no expectation that he should be happy if you happily find someone else and are happy?

No, sorry, this isn't poly. This is a guy having his cake and eating it, too, with the ice cream--right in front of you-- and telling you to shut up and be happy with your slice of dry bread.

If you should be happy for him having someone else then shouldn't he be happy for you if you also find someone else? How long are you willing to live like this?
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
Dagferi, are you still going between both homes?
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Yes I am. Both husbands work with minimal contact with others. Butch in a boiler house as a operator. He is the only one on duty in the plant. Murf works with automation, robotic partner, in an foundry. Me I have been at home with pay.

There is little to no risk for us. We have had 10 mild positive cases here in this area. No deaths or hospitalizations. The local large hospital here actually has only 15 COVID patients who were transferred there from out of the area. They are reopening for elective surgery next week thank the gods since I need a lump excised. We all have been staying home only going to the store for necessities.

I live in a very rural area. They still heat homes with coal and houses cost less than cars. I bought a 5 bedroom Victorian home for less than a new car. We are the first zone they will reopen for our state.
 
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