vent/thinking through how to communicate hurt

P

playfulgirl

Member
So I'm partially venting here, partially thinking out how to address a hurt/unintentional status smack.
So I care for my chronically ill mother. She had a planned major surgery today. Everything went fine. Real is terribly supportive of my mom care. He spent the last 2 night with me helping me through stress. He's awesome and I knew he needed to get back to family today, and that I would be very busy with mom care at the hospital today. But I'm really hurt by him right now. He works at the hospital where mom had surgery, and said he would stop by during the day. Midday I got a text saying he was too busy to find me. In my slightly sleep deprived stressed state. This really hurt. Like arrow to the chest hurt. Like thought spiral of yeah you say I'm equal or at least highly regarded and you can't come by? If this were your mother in law, being there would be a fucking given!
Now rational me knows a) he is currently involved in a big project involving changes of medical record keeping and b) there's an issue with his daughter he needs to be present for and he's been away with my more immediate crisis. But damn it hurt that he didn't manage a few minutes to check in.

I realize some of my reaction is stress, but there is a valid concern to address as well. I'm hoping some of you be advice/sounding board for how to clearly articulate my hurt and needs do this doesn't happen in the future.

Playful
 
It's times like these when I consider, "Would I hurt less if this person wasn't in my life?". If the answer is no, it would hurt the same or worse, then forgive and be happy for the time you do have together. It's not fair to speculate how he would be handling his mother-in-law, because he *does* have to work.

Sorry about your mom.
 
Just because he works there doesn't mean he can take liberties. In my experience it's quite the opposite.

Additionally, he way not want to add any additional stress on your mom (are they close) or get in the way of the caregivers.

I don't think there are additional factors in play here.
 
I can see you are hurt/stressed/other stuff. It's not fun to be dealing with mom hospital stuff. I'm so sorry. Hope Mom gets better.

I'm hoping some of you be advice/sounding board for how to clearly articulate my hurt and needs do this doesn't happen in the future.
Click to expand...

I think he met the spirt of the agreement -- manage a few minutes to check in. Just that he wasn't able to in person so he did it over text.

I think his communication could be better in future.

He said he'd would come by since he works at the hospital. (At that point in time he was willing and he thought he would be able. So "willing and able.")

Then he went to work. Found out his work load made him super busy and now NOT able. So he's at "Willing but not able." And he sent a text midday to update you on that.

At this point in time you could express disappointment to him, and see if he's up for talking later. Then you guys can talk about HOW you talk.

When you see him you could tell him something like "Thanks for the text update. In future? I prefer you say you will TRY to stop by. That allows for for things popping up. Not say you WILL come by and then not be able to. I know work stuff happens, but please be more clear to me on that possibility interrupting. Otherwise I get my hopes up and then later feel sad it didn't happen."

I also think you could look out for your own emotional management better in future.

On your end? You could clarify right away the moment he says he will come by. Because it might take him a bit to form a new communication habit.

"I see you say you WILL come by. I'm going to take it like you will TRY to come by and if you cannot you will at least text to update me.

I am really stressed right now and I don't want to get my hopes up and then be down if it doesn't come to pass. I don't want to be like up-down roller coaster feelings. Just dealing with stress is enough load at this time. I rather go with "try to visit" and then be neutral if it doesn't happen and happy if it does. No extra sad load right now."

That way both of you are attending to it from both directions.

I don't know how many times you both have navigate Super Stress together, but if this is the first time, could accept there's a learning curve.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Others have given good advice on how to make sure something like this isn't hurtful or problematic in the future. I'm going to address your question of how to let him know how you feel about *this incident.*

Yes, maybe he did meet "the letter of the law" by texting you to say he couldn't stop by, since at least that was checking in, but that wasn't what you'd expected or hoped for, and I can definitely see where that was hurtful. For me, because I have pretty severe trust issues in general, someone not doing what they've said they'll do often translates in my mind to them being dishonest, and that really, really does hurt. (I realize, by the way, that it *isn't* them being dishonest. It's a disparity between my intellectual understanding of their behavior and my emotional knee-jerk reaction.)

That kind of thing has happened to me before, and I have addressed it, because I think--and fortunately my partners agree--that if something is hurtful or causes me to feel angry, I have the right to tell them. Woody and Hubby both actually *insist* that I tell them, because they know when I hold things in, they fester and grow into something more difficult to manage. I always wait until I've calmed down before I bring it up, so that I can have a calm discussion with them instead of sounding angry or accusatory, and I always make it clear that I am only expressing my feelings, I'm not saying they've done anything wrong or, necessarily, asking them to change anything, though sometimes I do ask them to problem-solve with me to make sure a similar thing doesn't happen in the future.

In your situation, I would just say, "I know you were busy, so I definitely understand why you couldn't stop by, but I had understood that you would come by to see how things were going, so when you only texted instead of actually seeing me, I was hurt. It wasn't anything you did wrong, just a miscommunication, so I wanted to make you aware of it so we can be more clear with each other next time."
 
Thanks for the replies. I needed help with phrasing. My current reserves are low so seeing reasonable ways to phrase my experience and concerns is helpful.

Playful
 
Hi Playful,

Sounds like you've had a huge amount of stress to deal with lately. When your nerves are already on edge, it doesn't take much to injure your feelings.

While I think I understand that one can get tied up with one's employment, it does seem odd to me that Real couldn't even scrounge up a few minutes for you. Perhaps he was being closely watched by a supervisor? Even then, I wish his text would have said that he was delayed and would stop by later, at the end of his shift if nothing else.

On the other hand, he is very supportive of your mom care, and he did spend two nights with you helping you through stress. So he deserves some credit.

I hope you get feeling better, and can work this out with him.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

I spent over a year as caretaker of my dying wife. The stress really amps up your feelings and reactions. No matter how close, it's difficult for people outside of the situation to really understand what you are going through.

Your life is better with this person and, from what you've described, he is being very helpful and supportive. In a different (less stressful) situation, his behavior was completely reasonable.

Don't let your stress drive people away from you when you need them the most. So I think it would be best to give him a break but communicate your feelings.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top