Venturing into poly for the first time vs. 3 broken hearts

[TheBoyLikeMe]

Hello,

Long story short, I am a 30 something year old gay man in an 8 year relationship. We began opening our sex life to threesomes years ago, but tentatively moved into an open relationship last year.

I met a Greek guy a year ago who was meant to be a one night stand, kinda thing... but the sexual chemistry between us was like nothing I'd ever experienced before. We continued to see each other regularly, sleep with each other and getting to know each other.

When I could sense this was more than just a one-nighter, I told my partner all about him and he was cool with it. He now and again even asks "How's your boy doing?" which was odd at first, but kinda funny and cool.

However, despite the fact that everyone knows about everyone, the feelings have very much started to creep in between the Greek guys and me, and he's vanished a few times because he basically wants more now and just can't overlook the fact that I am in another relationship, even though I have the green light to see him.

I don't hold this against him at all. He's more than entitled to stand by whatever ethos he likes. But, it's really starting to weigh down now, especially having realised I am in love with him.

I love my partner, and genuinely don't believe that my "relationship" with the Greek guy reflects on my partner. So, I do not feel guilt for seeing the Greek guy, or for even feeling how I do. (I suppose this was the spark in beginning to open the Poly can of worms). But, part of me does feel incredibly selfish for wanting my cake and eating it, and for thinking I can convince the Greek guy that what we're doing is OK, when he clearly just wants a 1 to 1 relationship with me now, and has said / joked on several occasions that I should just leave my partner for him.

My partner does not deserve to be jilted for someone else or hurt (and have no intention of doing that to him). But the Greek guy does deserve a partner of his own if that's what he desires. The selfish part of me just can't ignore the chemsitry we have, and as I'm not doing anything "wrong" by seeing him... I personally don't feel it's right to just give up on such a powerful year with him. He's too much a part of my life already now.

The Greek guy has seemed to fall into a pattern recently too. He'll go cold on me for a while (in terms of emails, calls, messages etc), and avoid me for some space after an emotional "I can't do this. I want what you can't give me" stand off. We'll not speak for a few weeks. Then he'll message out of the blue, and we'll meet up, have incredible sex and a wonderful, intimate, loving time together. All will be fine, until we try to arrange something else (a date, sleep over, going to the movies... whatever)... then the same thing will happen again. So this is clearly a hard habbit for him to break too, and why I can't just ignore this.

In the name of total honesty though, my partner does not know how intense it has gotten between me and the Greek. I did tell my partner during the last "break" that feelings had got a bit crossed and that the Greek guy had vanished for a bit (which was the truth), but not that it happened and vanished again since.

So, I just don't really know what to do now. The selish side of me wants my partner as always, and just wants to enjoy the time I have with the Greek guy and see where that leads. I've said to him that if I'm destined to leave my partner for him, time will work all that out. So until then, we should embrace what we have licence to enjoy.

I do feel that my partner would be fine with me saying I had feelings for the Greek guy, and that I'd like to explore some kind of 'relationship' with him. But until I know how to handle things with the Greek guy at the moment, I don't want to broach that subject just yet.

I just don't know what to do really.

Thanks for listening.

x

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle.

So...The Greek Guy is not happy in polyship because he ultimately wants a mono partner? And you cannot give him that? Then as cool as you are together short term, this may not be long term compatible.

He's running hot and cold without the chutzpah to just end it. It may be kinder for YOU to end it for him so he can be free to seek what he ultimately wants.
If he's a mono type person, you taking up his mono slot while knowing you are not it long term for him isn't doing him any kindnesses. It's keeping him (and you) in angst in the short term, and it is preventing him from seeking what he's after in the long term.

Sometimes the most loving thing you can do for someone is set them free.

My 2 cents,
Galagirl

 

[CosmoMcKinley]

GalaGirl already hit the high points of what I was going to say, but here's my two cents...

Are you sure that the Greek's "hot and cold" is actually a symptom of his not being able to handle not being mono with you? It may be just his nature, and that probably won't change even if you dropped your primary boyfriend.

One must bear in mind that sometimes when someone says that they "want more," what they really mean is that they want you to "have less." From what you've told us so far, I don't think that he's really someone you'd want to sacrifice your primary partner (and your freedom) for.

The best advice for both of you is to enjoy the relationship for what it is, don't spend time apart in anguish for what it isn't. Easier said than done, certainly, but sometimes we must swallow bitter medicine to ease our pain.

 

[Candiedlove]

The selish side of me wants my partner as always, and just wants to enjoy the time I have with the Greek guy and see where that leads

Poly is selfish when it's all about what YOU want and you're pushing people to accept poly when they don't want it. Poly is generous when everyone is genuinely poly and everyone is getting what they need/want by opening the relationship.

 

[tenK]

I actually think you should talk to your primary partner now, in order to see exactly what (if anything) you can offer your Greek. If your boyfriend is up for changing your relationship structure into something more openly poly, then maybe you can actually offer this other guy more than just semi-regular hook-ups and affection. It might be that you can offer him more of a relationship, and that even if he doesn't identify as poly himself, that that might be enough for him to feel more secure and stop blowing hot and cold at you. Also, the recognition that your relationship with the Greek is supported by your other boyfriend (if it is) might get rid of some of the tension you must be feeling. He's probably picking up on that too, and could be feeling a bit like your secret 'on the side', rather than something more central to your life (which is how you seem to be feeling about him).

Of course, there is a risk that your current boyfriend will feel like he can't handle you becoming emotionally attached to others, and/or might not want to transition to a poly arrangement with you. But really, it's probably best if you find that out now, no?

 

[kdt26417]

Hi TheBoyLikeMe,

I agree with tenK, you should tell your partner about how much your feelings have grown for the Greek guy.

Re (from OP):

"I've said to him that if I'm destined to leave my partner for him, time will work all that out."

While that's technically true in any situation, it troubles me to hear you say it. You're not truly thinking of leaving your partner as an option, are you?

I get that you do want to keep seeing the Greek guy, although you wish he would see you more often. I don't know what all it would take for "more often" to happen, but I'm thinking it would require the Greek guy being willing to see you more often on his own free will.

In life, we can only decide our own course of action, we can't make other people's decisions for them. Sometimes I think we feel like we can get another person to see things our way if we can just say the "right" words to them. But I don't have any special secrets for how to convince people, I only know that honesty and kindness are the best policies.

I wish you well and hope you'll keep us posted.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[MoostacheKitteh]

So much great advice is being shared here. I hope that you have found the answer you were looking for and I wish you luck in whatever decisions you decide to make!