very confused

Thanks ragtag.MY wife "K" didnt develope feelings for her ex. They rekindled them after finding each other on facebook. They have already had one weekend together, I'm still dealing with insecurity issues from that, and now have another weekend planned. My life has been an utter rollercoaster. I think that Im just now, MAYBE, getting use to the idea. It still hurts. I have thought about tryin the local swingers scene, but I think its just a band aid at the moment.I need to take time and focus on myself, my health, both mental and physical, and try to have a backup plan just incase. I have been trying very hard to focus on the positives of my situation. I think it is helping. Heres something that happened to me earlier today. A very good female friend of mine, who I have flirted with thru out the years, and knows about our problems, says to me " wouldnt it be a trip if you and I ended up together after this?" WOW! My mind went in circles, squares, triangles and whatever other shapes popped in there. I said to her, you have know idea what thoughts of you have gone thru my mind. We laughed and continued our talk. It made me feel good to know that Im still attractive to the other sex. Lol! Oh well, needless to say it will be very interesting around here for sometime to come. To all that read this and if it applies to you, have a happy and enjoyable 4th.:)
 
Well, made it back home after our family vacation just to turn around and let K and the kids drive away. Monday nite was terrible. Had an argument with K about her trip and her plans, and then woke up to my poor old dog having a seizure. Its been a long day to say the least. So I sit here wondering if I have done the right thing. I set my wife free and now I need to concentrate on myself. I need to make sure that my mind is in a good place, no matter what happens. I'm still having my insecurity issues, but they are getting better.
 
I have enjoyed reading through this thread, lots of good replies andd useful information from those more experiened. OP, one thing that occured to me in one of your posts is, you said your wife tol you she has been unhappy for 3 years, an was thinking of leaving 2 years ago. This was prior to her rekindled feelings for the other guy? Seems like this goes back further an it would be helpful to know why she has been unhappy. I would writee more but my laptop kys are stiking an its vrey slow for me to type. I wish you th bst of luk an am sorry for th pain you'v been going through.
 
Basically K has been unhappy since we moved to Arizona. I have been battling depression since we moved here. This is very hard country to make a living. The place that K works is right in the middle of a poverty stricken area. Her job is very stressful. I have been working on my depression and the lack of work or very low paying jobs. So it has been no picnic here. We have had many discussions about moving, but its so hard for K to give up her career. And the place she wants to move to is basically right next to H. I'm still not comfortable with this idea. Thats where K is this week. Visiting with friends and checking her options so to speak. I'm patiently waiting for her return. From K's actions, I'm pretty sure she wants to stay with me. We are in the process of getting a house here and I'm looking into a better job. I usually work in construction, but that has pretty much died, so I have been plying my skills do other work. K feels that she doesn't have any friends here, but thats not true, she just won't let anyone get close to her. Not sure where all this is going, but I'm in it till the end.
 
Ok, update time. Not sure were to start. K came home to me. Everything seems to be going good. K seems happy with my new direction and is making plans to stay here with me. Theres only two small things that are bothering me, one K changed her Facebook profile from married to its complicated and two, she spent some time with H and didn't give me a courtesy call. We have always practiced the the courtesy call. Other than that everything seems to be going well. At the end of this month when we go and retrieve the little ones, I will finally get to meet H. So I think we are on the road to healing. Thank you to all of you that have posted, it all has helped me understand and deal with my emotions.
 
Hmmm....Seems as though some posts may be missing here now. I KNOW that one of the ones I put on here is now gone...as well as a couple others. Interesting. I really detest sites where mods or admins feel the need to censor things. Hope thats not what happened here.
 
TL4everu2 said:
Hmmm....Seems as though some posts may be missing here now. I KNOW that one of the ones I put on here is now gone...as well as a couple others. Interesting. I really detest sites where mods or admins feel the need to censor things. Hope thats not what happened here.
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Was it split out into its own thread? I know the mods here do not like to remove posts ever, as they could help people in the future :)
 
I don't know what happened exactly. The posts I'm refering to were very specific to this thread though.....but meah. Just an oddity. I thought I broke the internet again. :D
 
I really don't know what happened to your posts TL4. I definitely don't want that kind of control over what goes on here. I have no interest in silencing anyone or censor anyone. It goes against my values big time!

another note: we have 7 pages here. Anyone feel like tagging? I would hate for this thread to get missed in a search later on.. thanks, I just don't have the time right now :D
 
The more I think about my current situation, the more I see wrong with it. I have been trying very hard to understand her relationship with H. But it seems to me that I'm the on only one who is sacrificing anything. H, as far as I know, hasn't had to do anything. K hasn't had to change anything, she hasn't stopped talking or making plans with H. I feel like I'm the only one who is compromising everything.
K and I talked a little about her visit with H. It didn't sound to me like it went very well for her. K said they only spent a couple of hours together. I asked her if they had intercourse, she said that they didn't. K's reason was because she was afraid that I would freak out and have another meltdown. Seems like a pretty flimsy reason to me.
I still don't understand why, if I mean so much to her, she continues to stay in contact with H. I also haven't made the request for her to stop talking with him. Funny!? I think for me, if I ask or tell her to stop, she would do it anyways.
Is the connection for your first love, who you have had no contact with for almost 20 years, that strong? My connection to my first love is so strong that I am willing to make myself miserable just to keep her in my life. HHMMMM..... I will have to think about this some more.
 
dazedandlost said:
But it seems to me that I'm the on only one who is sacrificing anything.
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It shouldn't be a competition. If you are partners, things that add to her life add to yours, too.

Plus, all this stuff you're going through; facing your insecurities and jealousy, communicating hard feelings, negotiating, etc. are you developing skills that will make you better at relating to people, in all aspects of your life.

dazedandlost said:
I asked her if they had intercourse, she said that they didn't. K's reason was because she was afraid that I would freak out and have another meltdown. Seems like a pretty flimsy reason to me.
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I agree with you -- that does sound like a bad reason not to sleep with someone.

dazedandlost said:
I still don't understand why, if I mean so much to her, she continues to stay in contact with H. I also haven't made the request for her to stop talking with him. Funny!?
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Presumably she continues to stay in contact with H because that relationship also means something to her. I don't think it's at all funny that you haven't requested that she stop talking to him; that would be very sad, and not funny at all.

dazedandlost said:
My connection to my first love is so strong that I am willing to make myself miserable just to keep her in my life.
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If that is really the best description of where things are at, you probably shouldn't do that. People shouldn't stay in relationships that make them miserable! But look, people who have had the kind of reaction that you are having have come out the other side with better, happier relationships in the end and wouldn't want to go back. A "connection" won't get you there, but doing the work that you need to do to will.
 
Thanks jkelly. I'm still have problems dealing with my emotions. I have requested three times now to meet H. Nothing has happened yet. I mean, if the guy is that special to K, to risk everything that she has to keep him apart of her life, I want to meet him. When we travel to retrieve the little ones, I told K that it would be the perfect time for the three of us to meet and greet so to speak. I think that if I can meet H it will help put my mind at ease, I hope. Its getting hard to talk with K about my feelings, she says that all she wants is a friend with benefits. But I feel like I'm only getting part of the answer. Sorry, just kinda rambling on.
K is still affectionate to me, tells me she loves me, tells me that I'm her life. I guess I should learn how to let go of my negativity and trust K and listen to my heart more. Kinda hard for me to do, I'm to logical, it might be in my genetic makeup(LOL). I still have my good days and my bad days. The good ones are starting to out weigh the bad. Maybe the light will come on all of the sudden and life will once again be grand.
 
dazedandlost said:
I have requested three times now to meet H. Nothing has happened yet. .
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Some one is living in denial. Sounds to me like her ex isn't cool with the sharing thing and so has chosen to avoid the reality that his girlfriend has a husband. If they are not willing for you two to meet I would be a little apprehensive...maybe a bit more than a little.

Take care
Mono
 
Thank you mono. I just had a thought hit me while I was packin up for the move. If K's relationship is as she states, "just for fun." why is she fighting so hard to keep this guy in her life? I, for one, would drop( hell I have!) a casual hookup in a heart beat if K said she was uncomfortable with the "relationship". I know in my heart that there is more to her relationship with H than she's telling me. I'm very torn on what to do. Every time I try to talk with her about their relationship I get the same answer," its just fun."
The inner turmoil is getting out of control.....................turning..................green...........................RRRRRRRR!!!
Just kidding! Sorry no gamma rays from my time in the nevada desert.
Its a very frustrating feeling. I dont think I'm getting the full answer. Or maybe I'm over thinking again and trying to get the answer(s) that I want to hear.
Note to self, your mind is a tangled web of emotions and feelings not always entirely in your control.
Theres gotta be other monos that have gone thru something similar. When, if it has, did it "click" for you? I understand that it takes time, but it should be something that we both work on, together.
I had a talk with a female friend of mine, she knows a good portion of what is going on, and she said that she had so much guilt built up that she turned everything back on her ex so that she would feel better about leaving him. I wonder if thats part of whats going on?
I made the offer to K to stop the house purchase and move to nevada, where she wants to be, she and the kids could live in a house there and I would go over the road. Would only be home once a month or so. K didnt like that idea, asking what about my happiness. I told her my happiness comes from her being happy. Needles to say we aren't moving to nevada.
Well time for more packin and thinkin. thank you for any insite or advice.
 
dazedandlost said:
" its just fun."
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Nobody puts someone they love through what you are going through "just for fun" in my experience. That disturbs me a little. So if that is a two way street for both of them...does that mean your wife is a play toy? If that works for her and you then so be it I guess.


dazedandlost said:
When, if it has, did it "click" for you? I understand that it takes time, but it should be something that we both work on, together.
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Sorry my friend. I am the "other man". When my ex-wife asked to open up our marriage it didn't click for me at all in the end. My perspective is much different than yours. Put in your shoes I would react differently I'm sure. But you are not me so that means nothing really.

dazedandlost said:
I told her my happiness comes from her being happy. .
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I hope you have seriously internalized what that could mean for you down the road my friend. That is a big red door to fling open. Your health has to be a priority here as well. People who are unhealthy end up doing some pretty fucked up shit...Take it from some one who's been there.

Be honest, be compassionate, be true to yourself, and be strong.
 
Have you thought of contacting him yourself dazed? Could you not ask her for his email address of number? Why shouldn't you take this into your own hands if you want to meet him? I can't see why not. I make my men plan their own meetings together. They need to have their own relationship outside of me. I have always done it like that. I don't need to be involved. I think its better that way. They come back from hanging out all chummy and brotherly. It is so rewarding to see them working on their relationship.
 
MonoVCPHG said:
If they are not willing for you two to meet I would be a little apprehensive...maybe a bit more than a little.
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I agree with Mono about this part. You are making a smart, and maybe a little challenging for you, request that a lot of people who have experience with this strongly encourage, and you're getting resistance instead of having that kind of willingness to do the work encouraged. That's some serious polyfail.

I just re-read the whole thread and I think that there's something a little... complicated about what's going on here. It's been said before, but you really shouldn't be doing all the heavy lifting here.

There needs to be some distinction between your expressing your feelings and your asking for things that really will make things work out better for everyone. I think that there should be some conversation where you get to say "I wish you weren't doing this. If you are going to do this, please do a better job of it. I have been doing a lot of reading and listening about this, and here is some stuff I have learned that I want you to make use of, because everyone's life will be better if you do."

That may be really difficult to convey properly, because it may be hard to separate requests to stop from requests to do things better. But the situation right now is that you are both trying to deal with something that you don't want to be happening, and also be the person who is learning about how this is actually supposed to work. If anything is unfair about this situation, it is that, and I wouldn't expect anyone to be very happy about being in that position.
 
HOLY CRAP! I've just realized that "DazedandConfused" is a different person than "dazedandlost". LOL THAT clears up some things. :rolleyes:
 
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