Very new to Poly lots of questions

E

EvilElvis

New member
Good evening folks,

I'll try and keep this clear and to the point but I'm very confused about a number of things so if I ramble on a bit you'll have to excuse me.

Anyway I am married very happily to my wonderful wife of nearly two years and have been seeing each other for over 7 years. We met on the fetish scene and we're both open to alternative lifestyles. We were plodding through life up until about 2 years ago when we experienced two deaths and another life changing injury at close hand. It made us understand what is important in life and helped us to travel the world and now we're back home excitedly starting up our new business.

We recently discussed possibly getting involved with other couples and had a look around some dating apps like tinder 3nder and even OK Cupid. We were both fully up for having other sexual relations both together and possibly separately. We didn't have a great deal of interest on the sites but she did have a few conversations with a couple of guys and a few girls. One of these online conversations developed very well for her and with my full knowledge and support we agreed to meet up.

So we all met up briefly and then I left them to chat and have a drink while I went off and did other things. He himself is in an open poly relationship and has been for several years. We all got on really well and he has said to my wife that he thinks I'm a really top bloke.

So the initial meeting went really well but things went downhill for me from there on. I was having absolutely no luck on any of the dating sites despite sending some really good messages according to the Mrs and I know I'm not a bad looking chap, this perceived rejection coupled with what I felt was my wife spending a lot of time texting said new guy really began to effect my self confidence.

My Wife was really upset that I wasn't having any luck finding anyone interested in me and couldn't believe nobody was interested in "such an amazing guy" (her words not mine I'm not that big headed :)).

It then transpired a few days later while chatting about the initial meeting that new guy had briefly kissed her and she reciprocated. I wasn't bothered about the kiss I don't think but I was bothered that she hadn't told me about it at the time but I could understand why she hadn't as she didn't want to upset me. But I was pleased that she had told me ( we'd already said at the beginning we'd be fully open).

So last night I had a bit of a flip out and burst into tears. I think the combination of my confidence being destroyed trying to find another partner, not knowing about the kiss right away really effected me. Seeing how upset I was she said that she would call everything off straight away. I protested initialy and weboth got very teary but we told each other how much we love each other. She began to get more emotional and admitted to me that she was beginning to fall in love with him, this really effected me as in my mind love wasn't on the agender in the beginning and I just expected them to be having a solely sexual relationship.

Today has been awful, my Wife has been crying a lot as she thinks she's upset everyone involved and is really conscious of everyone's feelings especially mine. She also feels upset that he took it so well and was really cool with everything. I feel terrible as I think I'm preventing her from enjoying life experiences. There's been a lot of sorrys said by both of us today to each other. But I'm left confused by the whole situation.

So to finish:

Was I nieve going into this?

How can we move forward from here?

Have I reacted badly?


Sorry it's a long post guys. I look forward to reading your responses. And I'd be really interested if anyone can point me in the direction of any good online resources that would be of use to me going forward.
 
Hello and welcome!

I'm just going to answer a few points briefly, because I don't have the energy right now to go in-depth. Hopefully my succinctness will be sufficient to make my points clear...

First of all, polyamory isn't meant to be a race or competition. So she met someone right away and you haven't yet. So what? Does everything have to be tit-for-tat, "Even Steven?" Do each of you have to look for another friend if the other makes a new one, to make sure you all have the same number of friends? No, of course not, so you don't need to do that when it comes to lovers. Real people are involved, and no one wants to feel like a prize that signifies you've kept pace with your spouse!

I'm a straight woman polyamorist and would turn a man down if he seemed to be pursuing me just because his wife has a lover and he needs to even the score. People want to be wanted for who they are, and nothing more. So, take a deep breath and stop chasing for the chase's sake, and just be open to meeting whomever might come along and hit it off with you.

It is quite common in polyamory for it to take longer for the man in a couple to meet an available woman willing to forgo monogamy, than it is for the woman to find men willing to do the same. Think about it.

Second of all, if you don't want any emotional involvement, that is not polyamory. That is generally a swinging mindset. Poly is about developing and maintaining multiple loving relationships. If you can't handle that, you need to back up and slow down to rethink what it is you really do want.

Third of all, it is highly doubtful your wife is actually in love with this guy she just met and kissed. Come on, love happens when you truly know someone and appreciate them for all that they are. She's just infatuated, and excited, no need for either of you to get bent out of shape and all melodramatic. Slow down and try to see things clearly!
 
Matthew wikespal

nycindie said:
Hello and welcome!

I'm just going to answer a few points briefly, because I don't have the energy right now to go in-depth. Hopefully my succinctness will be sufficient to make my points clear...

First of all, polyamory isn't meant to be a race or competition. So she met someone right away and you haven't yet. So what? Does everything have to be tit-for-tat, "Even Steven?" Do each of you have to look for another friend if the other makes a new one, to make sure you all have the same number of friends? No, of course not, so you don't need to do that when it comes to lovers. Real people are involved, and no one wants to feel like a prize that signifies you've kept pace with your spouse!

I'm a straight woman polyamorist and would turn a man down if he seemed to be pursuing me just because his wife has a lover and he needs to even the score. People want to be wanted for who they are, and nothing more. So, take a deep breath and stop chasing for the chase's sake, and just be open to meeting whomever might come along and hit it off with you.

It is quite common in polyamory for it to take longer for the man in a couple to meet an available woman willing to forgo monogamy, than it is for the woman to find men willing to do the same. Think about it.

Second of all, if you don't want any emotional involvement, that is not polyamory. That is generally a swinging mindset. Poly is about developing and maintaining multiple loving relationships. If you can't handle that, you need to back up and slow down to rethink what it is you really do want.

Third of all, it is highly doubtful your wife is actually in love with this guy she just met and kissed. Come on, love happens when you truly know someone and appreciate them for all that they are. She's just infatuated, and excited, no need for either of you to get bent out of shape and all melodramatic. Slow down and try to see things clearly!
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Thanks for the reply, your comments make total sense. I think I went into this far too quickly without really researching the subject beforehand. I think if I had I wouldn't have created this situation.

I've clearly got a lot to learn about everything. Thanks for your help.
 
Aww, cut yourself some slack -- you don't really have a situation that is all that bad or messy. You both jumped into the deep end of the pool with the best intentions; one of you got kissed; one of you felt hurt; one of you cried; and you both are beating yourselves up over not much, in the grand scheme of things. At least you didn't court disaster by moving some stranger into your home after only knowing them a month, like some naive and overly eager newbies do!

Really -- you and your wife need to sit down, take a deep breath, and have a laugh about where you are. You just need to take things a little more slowly and talk about things more, look at different possible scenarios, and read up on poly (a good start would be Opening Up by Tristan Taormino and More than Two by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert). Oh, and try to have a sense of humor about it!
 
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Cindie has given you good advice - I recommend "More Than Two" as well - read it together and discuss the questions at the end of each chapter together. It should help!
 
Hi EvilElvis,

In addition to the books, "Opening Up" and "More Than Two" also have websites:

You should explore both websites, and read both books as well -- especially "Opening Up" as it covers more than just polyamory.

I hope you'll keep us posted on how things are going.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi Evil Elvis, and welcome!

Firstly, the way you speak about your wife is adorable. It made me smile to read it!

A few things jump out at me, but to start with - I agree with everyone else! You guys haven't messed up. What is happening between the two of you right now is actually so incredibly common! Jesus, my partner and I refer to our first year of poly relationships as the 'Hellwave of 2011' - we didn't have a clue what we were doing. Like everything in life, you live and you learn!

In terms of resources, the ones that have already been suggested are the best, in my opinion. You could also check out this poly podcast: http://polyweekly.com/ The woman (Minx) just released an ebook that's worth a read! It's linked on the site there.

A point I'd like to raise about poly online dating is that it can be much, much harder for those who are not heterosexual or bisexual females. Don't read too much into this - it seems to be the way of the world. My partner (female, hetero), for instance, received reams and reams of messages from men on OKCupid and regularly gets new messages on Fetlife. I'm also female, and when I used to set my orientation as bisexual, I'd be flooded with messages from men. Almost never got any messages from women. Now that my orientation is set to lesbian, I'm lucky if I get one message from a woman per fortnight, if not once a month!

In terms of women I've actively messaged first? Well, I sent 25 messages over the past two weeks. I got about 2-3 replies. Sometimes I get no replies. It's just how it goes. My straight guy friends might get a few more, or a few less. My tips are: make sure you're only messaging poly women; make sure you're not fixating on specific women or sending generic messages; and try to get your profile 'out there' (answer questions, like tons of profiles, etc.).

I've also learnt to keep messages relatively short (max. one paragraph) whilst still trying to be witty, interested in them, etc. I used to send long messages detailing all the things we had in common and how interested I was in their profile. Frankly, I don't think that approach is a good idea!

So, now that you know that women often get inundated on dating sites, don't sweat it. Accept it as a fact of life rather than an indicator of your attractiveness. If you want anyone to look over your profile with an objective eye, I'm happy to help you out! Just PM me.

I wasn't bothered about the kiss I don't think but I was bothered that she hadn't told me about it at the time but I could understand why she hadn't as she didn't want to upset me.
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This makes a lot of sense and I think it's great that she told you eventually. You are both still learning to navigate these things and if you can agree on full disclosure for the minute, it's probably a good way forward!

She began to get more emotional and admitted to me that she was beginning to fall in love with him, this really effected me as in my mind love wasn't on the agender in the beginning and I just expected them to be having a solely sexual relationship.
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Haha... well... :rolleyes:

Have you heard of New Relationship Energy (NRE) before? It's a term often used in poly - though of course it also applies to monogamy - to describe the zing we feel about new people we're involved with. It can be particularly prominent in early poly in particular because we're experiencing these new experiences and feelings. Our emotions are going haywire and we feel on top of the world: we've got someone we already adore and now we've met this new person we think we are really into and ohmygod isn't life grand?? ;) The best thing to do here is learn about it and learn to expect it. When you start dating, you might go through the same thing. Your wife is likely feeling very overwhelmed with feelings about everything right now!

I feel terrible as I think I'm preventing her from enjoying life experiences.
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Its important here that you both recognise that you each own your own decisions. If my partner told me she was struggling and I ended a new relationship? My decision. If my partner actively requested that I end a new relationship and I did it 'for' her? Still my decision.

Remember that your wife is likely just as freaked out as you are. She might not be ready yet to deal with all the extra emotions, risks and complications. Assuming the guy doesn't fall in front of a bus over the next few months, he might still be around later down the line once you two have sorted things out a bit more.

Also, it's worth giving thought to polyamory vs swinging/polysexuality. It's fine to agree not to get emotionally involved if that's what you both want, but unfortunately it's not always realistic. Sex itself releases oxytocin (the 'love' drug), which can lead us to feel very close to the person we've shared that act with. It's worth theoretically exploring the emotional path before you carry on in real life.

Was I nieve going into this?
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It's like saying that a first year university student is naive for not knowing PhD curriculum! No, not naive - just new!

How can we move forward from here?
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Lots and lots of loving and talking.

Reading - hopefully together. It's not just about you doing the learning. The person who is doing the dating (for now) also needs to learn about poly. It's an equal thing, it's not about learning to overcome jealousy.

I'm not a fan of restrictions or putting boundaries on another person, but I am a fan of 'agreements' where appropriate. You guys could look at discussing some initial agreements that can be reviewed later on. These could be things like "Always tell each other within 24 hours if XYZ has happened." "We're not up for overnights with other people yet. Let's review in 3 months." "Let's tell each other if we think we're falling in love with someone." "Let's own our own decisions and not blame each other." "Let's learn more about this for 3 months and close OKCupid down for now." "Let's keep dates to once a week for now.", etc.

What I'd avoid is things like "You can't text X every day." "You can't have sex without my permission." "You can't go to this place with a date." They are restrictions, not agreements.


Have I reacted badly?
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Not at all. Emotions are what they are. Reacting 'badly' would be storming around the house, calling your wife every name under the sun, demanding that she stops seeing the guy, and so on. You literally got upset and communicated your upset. There's nothing wrong with feeling upset - poly is HARD, especially to begin with.
 
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