Vicki's Journey

I've been having one of those mood swings, too.

StbxH is getting way too much space in my head. It seems like every time I'm not specifically thinking about something, I wind up rehearsing conversations with him in my head about the separation/divorce. And since I'm stuck in a holding pattern for now, that means I am wasting a lot of time.

BF tried to give me a massage last night but had to stop because he noted that my neck and shoulders have such bad knots in them that he can't work them out himself, and he has a little RMT training. And my insomnia came back hard.

Last night I just wanted to cry and all for stupid reasons. I don't want StbxH back. But I don't want to be divorced either. I can't keep coping with the pain kiddo is in and then the acting out because he's hurting. And I can't make it better no matter how hard I try.

If he doesn't figure his shit out soon, I'll have to file papers on him for nonsupport. We don't even have a legal separation document yet since we haven't been able to work it out. If I was going to have to deal with this shit I wish I had married a man who made more money because I read those posts about women getting thousands of dollars a month in support... I'll be lucky to get $1800 and I can't even work due to my health. I've never really had to budget before... We were far from wealthy but we always had enough money for whatever. My wants aren't all that extravagant. I like eating out and buying the occasional outfit or bdsm stuff. But now? I know I can't live on what he will probably be paying me and I don't know what to do.

I just want out of this nightmare. I want it all to be over. And there isn't a damn thing I can do. For sure, my life will be better once this shit gets sorted out. It already is, with the exception of dealing with everything. But some days I just feel like I can't cope but I don't have a choice except to keep taking it one day at a time.
 
Interesting to think that I have situations as poly that I wouldn't have run into as a mono person.

I had a mini meltdown the other day. Henry and I planned to take kiddo to a local tourist city for an overnight trip. And everything went fine... but when he was going to pick up the car and I was getting kiddo ready, I was thinking of all the times I used to do this with StbxH. The sadness and loss rears its head at the most annoying times.

I don't want him back, but it doesn't negate all the good times and memories we made together. It was a fourteen year relationship, after all. There were a lot of good times.

I guess this is a poly problem. If I hadn't already been dating bf before my breakup, I wouldn't be here, in a cohabitating type relationship with someone else. I'm still not done grieving my marriage but I am coming up on my anniversary with bf. Sometimes it's not easy.

The trip was good, though, and we had a good time. Watching Henry with kiddo almost makes my heart hurt, too. Everyone thinks that Henry is his father. He actually spends more time doing stuff with kiddo than stbxH ever did. He took kiddo down the waterslides so I could relax and hang out in the wave pool. He's a really, really good partner. I am lucky.
 
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Having one of those days. I have to keep reminding myself that it's okay to feel broken, given what's going on in my life. It's okay to be afraid. It's even okay to feel like a failure. Feelings are always valid even if they're fucked up and it doesn't mean they are true.

But it's hard to be sitting at home and feeling lonely and just wanting BF to come home from his camping trip. He's given me so much and been there for me through all this bullshit that I don't begrudge him this trip he does every single year. But I miss him. I have kiddo so it's not like I can go anywhere, and I don't have any money anyway. I hate being that stereotype of the chick sitting at home pining for her boyfriend, but that's exactly what I am right now.

I'm just trying not to think much tonight because it's not going anywhere good and I'm just going to make myself even more depressed.

My life is just so full of drama and bullshit right now that I feel exhausted even just thinking about updating this. The highlight reel includes calling 50 lawyers and getting continually turned down because they're busy, Legal Aid pays horseshit, and my case is going to be a hot mess. Oh, and having stbxH break into my house and having to call the cops.

I look at Henry and wonder what the fuck he's still doing here. I'd break up with me if I could.
 
I don't think this stuff is your fault, hon.
 
Is there a little box on a form where you can ask for STBExH to pay lawyers fees? There is one on the forms here. If he has you a lawyer then you should have one too.
You can apply for a restraining order about the break-in. I found the paperwork for that straightforward.
I have court tomorrow for a Contempt filing. I did the paperwork for that myself too and it is my third Contempt case against my ex.
Try doing little pieces at a time. My biggest mistake has been not keeping it well organized.
 
I relate to this sadly, as having restraining order on ex as well.
I send you hugs, good suggestions on the court stuff taking it piece by piece.
Be kind to yourself right now and try to surround yourself with positive supportive people xx
 
I also am separating from my husband, he moved out almost a year ago. Our separation has been much more amicable than yours, though it isn't without our own flavor of angst and drama. I can totally relate to what you're saying about how mono people probably wouldn't be dating right now, but we are, and how difficult it can be to keep the fallout from our marriage from affecting our newer relationships.

I read with interest.
 
I can feel how hard this is not to fuck things up. I'm so angry and depressed all the time. I have no patience for my son, and I get upset at him when his misbehaves. Which is more often because of course his life is in turmoil too but I don't have the energy to deal with it. And that makes me a terrible person. I really, really try. But I'm just so tired and my health still isn't good so I just want this all to be over. I don't want to die. I just can't live like this.

I know I'm putting way too much stress on my relationship with Henry. I mean, we've been living together for a month and we're still sorting things out. But everything upsets me. I know his health isn't good and so he can't be always on the ball getting stuff done either and plus he's not as meticulous as I am about keeping things clean but it's driving me crazy.

I really love him being here. The physical intimacy is just what I need. And he's been supporting me so much through all these horrible things. But then I look at me and all the garbage that's going on and I wouldn't want to date me, and it makes me horribly insecure. I mean, look at all this fucking drama going on with my divorce. And then there's the fact that he moved in with a woman with a kid. It's not like it was when we were dating, you know? When I had lots of energy and we did more kinky stuff and it wasn't all chores and stuff the kid wants to do and just being tired and me being depressed and cranky.

So, what's keeping him here? I worry he's just here because he left his city, doesn't want to go back right away and doesn't really have anywhere to go. Or maybe he just doesn't want to leave me when I have so much garbage going on. I'm not sure what I'd do if he did. He's been giving me so much support and I've really been relying on him. And I love him. And I know my feelings aren't just from this fucked up mess since I fell in love with him before all this bullshit happened in my life. We still have some issues that I'd have to face if this was long term compatibility stuff, but I'm not even going there yet because it doesn't matter. As long as today with him is good, then that's what matters. But it's hard to be in that mindset since he's living here and my kid loves him and it'll break his heart when one day, Henry leaves.

My depression is just hitting me so hard that I know I can't see things clearly. And right now it's even harder because Henry is gone. He came home for the weekend and we went to a BDSM party but I felt out of sorts, and he told me he wasn't really feeling like himself either. I could tell from his behaviour he was feeling off, and it made me feel insecure. And then that coupled with all the little shit that means nothing... I could in my currently not-thinking-straight mind totally make a strong case for him not loving me anymore and just not knowing what to do about it. And the logical part of me doesn't really believe that... but the lonely and miserable part of me says I have to consider it. I've talked to Henry about feeling the way I do and he's given me some kind of assurance but I guess it wasn't enough for me. Like when I told him that I know that all this must be so much to deal with and that I worry he'll just have enough and walk away. He said to me, "Maybe, but that day isn't today." and then he gave me a hug and told me he loves me. I guess what I want isn't realistic and it's more baggage from the divorce. Writing it kinda makes that easier. I guess I want kittens and unicorns and rainbows and I don't even know that I believe in that anymore.

Anyway, he left again this morning for camping and I knew that a good friend and play partner of his was going. And so he told me that he figures they are going to be cuddle buddies and probably more. He knows I have a girlfriend but this is the first time in our whole relationship he's mentioned to me that he's going to be with someone else. And I knew he was poly when I started dating him but right now it's something I'm having a hard time coping with. I just hugged him and asked if he was going to use protection and he said yes and I told him to have a good time. But I can't stop thinking about it right now. I mean, he loves camping and she loves festivals like that too and they have good play together and stuff so what is going to make him want to come back to me and all my drama? And I feel so horribly insecure about myself right now that I can't fall back on all the poly stuff. And yeah I know this is all typical garbage but I can't handle it right now but I wouldn't ask him not to because he's away at a camping festival and why should he not get to enjoy a relationship with his friend because my life is fucked right now? I mean, after putting up with my bullshit he sure as hell deserves some fun.

And yup, word vomit. But I'm so desperately lonely right now and I don't really have anyone to talk to. I don't want to keep venting on my friends because that isn't right, and I feel so pathetic that I feel this pathetically lonely and just want Henry to come back from his trip. And then I want to make someone hurt until they cry and then have an orgasm coma until I don't have to think anymore.
 
Haven't heard from Henry since Monday, when he confirmed he arrived safely. We haven't ever been out of touch this long.

Logical part of my brain reminds me that there's more than a thousand people who are probably trying to use the same outlets to charge phones and he might figure he can just wait till next week when there will be fewer than fifty, and that he's having fun with his friends and relaxing and whatnot.

The sad little girl part of my brain is feeling lonely and unloved and worried that after this fun he won't want to come back to me and my fucked up life. And then I feel pathetic again for basically feeling like I am just waiting for him to come home instead of having my own life. But not only can I still not go places (no money for a babysitter) but I'm feeling insecure and lonely and depressed so I don't really feel like doing the things I usually do to keep busy when I'm alone. And it's not like I'm not used to being alone! stbxH used to travel at least two weeks a month, but this is different. Henry's one of the only bright spots I have right now, so I've been clinging to it. And that's not who I am. He fell in love with me as a confident, Dominant woman who was in control of her life and ready to accept the responsibility for what we negotiated in his. Now? It's an ordeal to decide what I want to eat for dinner. When my life feels out of control, it feels nearly impossible to be myself. And I used to like me. I don't like this snivelling pathetic lonely and miserable person. She isn't me. And yet it becomes harder and harder to find myself as this goes on.

I don't even have the energy to agonize over him being with his FWB/play partner, but I know that's rattling around up in my brain, too. It's not like I'm monogamous or anything... but it's still not easy when this is his first time being with someone else since we started dating. And it's not even a partner, it's just a friend he plays sexually with. I just don't have the emotional resources to weather this right now. It's not helping my insecurity.
 
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StbxH is scheduled for visitation today. I always find that a little scary because I don't know how he is going to behave and I feel lost and powerless.

I woke up this morning with the most traumatic nightmare I've ever had. Cold sweats and shaking. It was hard to hide it from my child who came in to wake me up so I just told him I had a bad dream and asked him to give me a hug. Kid hugs are great to cure what ails you.

I dreamt that I was in Las Vegas with one of my dear friends and we were out at a club when I found out StbxH was in the city, so I left the club (apparently ditching my friend) and went to him to try and get him to pack up his stuff and move out of the house. It wasn't the house we live in now, just a house in my dream. And he dawdled and dawdled and didn't want to do it and I was getting so upset that I remember clenching my fists and thinking he was trying to bait me to hit him or lose my temper so that the judge could see it and rule I was an unfit mother. Then the guy who used to be a mutual friend but is now housing StbxH came over and tried to make friends but I refused him and said he'd obviously made his choice.

Then the scene flipped and we were on a city bus and I was just begging him to leave us alone and just go on with his life. And then he said fine you can have the kids (apparently I have two, now?) but he was going to take that one and pointed at my stomach, which was apparently quite pregnant. And I totally lost my shit because no way was he taking my baby.and I started freaking out and then this Asian guy came up to me and said he's StbxH's lawyer and no they weren't going to have a settlement conference with me because they were going to take me to the cleaners and take away everything that matters to me. Then StbxH and his lawyer got off the bus and I got off too even though it wasn't my stop and I was yelling after them and they just ignored me. Then I say on a bench and cried and cried. My counsellor got off the bus and came over to sit with me, and that's all I remember before I woke up.

That was one of the most terrifying things I've ever experienced. I think it typified the impotence and helplessness I've been feeling. There was a lot more truth in there than in most dreams, just weird settings and representations.

I can't keep living my life like this, where I can't make any plans and feel like I have no control. I'm so afraid I'll lose it today when StbxH comes to pick up kiddo because I'm afraid I won't get him back even though realistically that doesn't make much sense. But this is too much to cope with.
 
Your nightmare was very understandable under the circumstances.
 
Henry is back home. He arrived on Friday, and I'm so glad he is here. I really missed him and I found myself being worried how our connection would be affected by him being out of contact for so long and around people that he shares more commonalities with.

I find myself, while still insecure, feeling more at peace since he returned. And this was even before he mentioned that his FWB/play partner wasn't at camp so he wasn't with anyone else intimately. He sent me a few texts which helped a lot, and I saved them. I had asked him if he was sad that his trip was coming to an end and he said he would enjoy staying longer but he missed me a lot. I told him that I guess I had just assumed that he wasn't thinking of me since his days must have been full of fun, with his phone turned off, and he told me that while he doesn't think of me when he's busy doing stuff, when he has down time he does miss me and wish I was there. And that's honest... and it makes me believe him. I guess I am used to feeling like out of sight out of mind because stbxH always made me feel like an obligation while he was away.

We've played and had sex several times since he's been home and then last night we wound up cuddling in bed and talking for hours. We talked about so many things. Past relationships and needs and stories and whatnot. At one point when we had our arms wrapped around each other, he told me that he was glad that we met at this part in our lives and that he hopes it lasts a long time. That meant so much to me.

I don't know how I'd be getting through all this mess without him.
 
Sometimes it's hard to understand how my life can have such extremes to it. The good is so very very good, but the bad is so very very bad. I have a hard time with the yo-yo'ing back and forth from amazing moments to the depths of despair.

Last night was one of the most amazing nights I've had in a long time. I love my kiddo, but sometimes the loss of spontaneity and freedom is tough. I know it's hard for Henry, too. We used to have our time together as just that- our time. I'd be visiting him so we could keep whatever hours we wanted and do whatever we wanted. And if it's hard for me, I know it must be so hard for him too that we can't do even a lot of the simple stuff together because I've got kiddo to think about. And he's been so good about it; never offered a word of complaint even when I ask how he's feeling about it. We still find moments for each other, but it's not quite the same.

Kiddo asked if he could go visit his grandparents for a few days and I said yes. It was cute that he was laughing about how he was having a vacation and I was going to be stuck at home. Little did he know... Mommy was going to have a vacation too! I guess it's just one of those awkward things that I'm sure parents understand. You love your kids, but you value your time away from them, too.

So yesterday was perfect. He left right after breakfast, and I had a nice long nap. Then spent the afternoon on my deck in my bathrobe reading a trashy novel and listening to music. Henry just hung out inside doing his own version of that. We ordered pizza for dinner, then went out to the local bdsm munch. It was nice to see my friends! I also chatted with a few people about doing a scene at the next party. I need to let some more of my sadism out- apparently that is more of a need than I thought.

Then we went out to see the fireworks! I haven't been out to festivals ever, really. StbxH didn't like going out, and then after we had kiddo it just didn't work. Babysitters are expensive, and he still didn't like going out. There were thousands of people there but we still had a fantastic view and it was so good to be out with Henry like that.

After the show, we went and took a blanket to the park and wrapped up in a little cocoon together and cuddled and kissed and watched the stars. It was cold outside, but not in our little bubble together. And I told him that there was nowhere I'd rather be but here with him in that moment. It was really connecting.

I think the next few days together are going to be really good. It's really nice just to relax and do what we want for a while. I know I'll miss kiddo in a few days... But for now, I'm enjoying being myself rather than just Mom.
 
I can feel that my depression has been coming back more often lately and it's definitely been muddying my thoughts. I can't seem to get out of my head the worries about Henry leaving, and I know it has nothing to do with him. He tells me he loves me multiple times every day and shows me lots of affection. I'm still terrified of it. It took me realizing that these random thoughts I've had lately about wishing I could have another baby are more tied up in wanting to have one with him, possibly to cement the relationship, than anything else. It's like I seem to think on some level that will make him stay, despite the obvious with StbxH. And I think I also thought it partly in terms of purpose since I've been feeling like I have none lately. Like, what's the point? And that has so many obvious flaws, since the only thing I'm "missing" is being with stbxH, so what was my point before if that's the case, and if a baby is supposed to be my new point, what about kiddo? I can see the illogic in my thoughts but I still feel tangled up. And no, I am not planning to get pregnant! I have an IUD in that doesn't need worrying about for a few years, which is good, since Henry and I are fluid bonded.

I've been finding myself emotionally pulling away from Jennifer a little bit, too. I know that I prioritize my relationship with Henry, and since I've been feeling stressed and needing connection with him, I feel stretched out and haven't felt like I'm able to give as much to her right now. I wound up cancelling my last date with her. I have talked to her about my feelings and I've been trying to at least block in some time for her every day but I know I haven't been myself. She's still back and forth about things with her husband (they may be divorcing as well) I'm trying to be supportive but I'm finding myself surprisingly low on emotional energy to give her. I think this stretched feeling even has me partially questioning my polyness, although that also stems from my fear of losing Henry to someone else. I'm not sure I can handle, at least right now, him having an emotional connection as intense and time consuming as ours. It hasn't come up, but it's been a year- it's going to at some point, and that terrifies me. Wow, and look- I can't even write a paragraph about Jennifer without it coming back to Henry. I love her and I'm doing my best and we're still communicating, but I feel guilty.

I don't understand how I can believe on a fundamental level that I am better off without StbxH that I have this opportunity for a more primary oriented relationship with Henry that I wouldn't have, and yet still be so messed up. It just doesn't make sense.
 
Vicki82 said:
I don't understand how I can believe on a fundamental level that I am better off without StbxH that I have this opportunity for a more primary oriented relationship with Henry that I wouldn't have, and yet still be so messed up. It just doesn't make sense.
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Be gentler with yourself, if you can. You are still in the midst of recovering from the trauma of your divorce, while also moving forward into a new life. It is disorienting. It can be very confusing, and quite a roller-coaster ride.

I know you probably won't reply, since life is such a whirlwind for you, but I am rooting for you, and I am sure others are here, too.

Two books that helped me, which you might find beneficial, as well:

The Ten Things to Do When Your Life Falls Apart
by Daphne Rose Kingma

Crazy Time: Surviving Divorce and Building a New Life
by Abigail Trafford
 
I've been focused on surviving this past month. My panic attacks have continued as I've been getting frequent text messages from stbxH which have been repeatedly violating our agreed upon boundaries. I've stopped taking any kind of antidepressants because they make me feel logy and then it's difficult to take care of Kiddo.

My counselor has been having my keep a daily diary of biological type stuff that affects my mood (food, sleep, cycle, sex etc) to see if there's a pattern in case there is something healthwise that we can do to help me. It's kind of scary to see written down how much my sleep disorder affects my life. I mean, it's one thing to say that I am tired all the time but since it's a constant, unless it's heavy sometimes I forget. But reading the details of it makes me sad. I don't really want to take any more meds though. Even the sleeping pills I was prescribed are an issue to take because then I am groggy when I need to pay attention to Kiddo.

It's kind of a bad thing to be excited about, but Kiddo is going to visit family for three weeks and leaves today. I am going to miss him so much, but I'm kind of glad he's going because not only do I really need a break and some sleep, but then I won't have to hear from stbxH or my mother for that long. She is not good at respecting boundaries or listening, and it's been driving me crazy especially lately. She's actually sitting with Kiddo playing cards right now and I've had to tell her to mind her own business twice in the last fifteen minutes. I took a break from writing this post to get kiddo ready, and since then it degenerated into an ugly mess. My mom has serious boundary issues and since I can't really cut her out of my life right now at least (I need her help with kiddo and she is a good grandma most of the time) I have to shovel shit every once in a while. And round and round we go.

I think tonight will help though. Jennifer is coming over for a date and I haven't seen her in ages. She's had a lot of stuff going on in her life, too. And Henry will be here cuz he lives here, so we're going to play some games together and then I'll go out with her for dinner and he can fend for himself. And hopefully some BDSM play tonight because she's staying over.

I'm not mentally comfortable with the idea of a threesome with them specifically, although I'd totally have one with either of them plus someone else that I was comfy with. Weird how I feel that way. For that matter, I don't even know if they'd be interested in each other which is equally as important! But at any rate, Henry is sleeping in the guest room tonight. It'll be good to see Jennifer... it's been so long and I miss her.
 
I have so many thoughts kicking around in my head lately.

When Jennifer was over, it was so good. Henry made us dinner so we could spend some time together, and then we played games before Jennifer and I went out for a drive. It was really great to reconnect, because I've missed her very much. We didn't have sex because she just started her period and was uncomfortable, but we played and cuddled and that was good too.

I had an anxiety attack the next day though. I just feel uncomfortable going into unknown situations and we were going to spend a week or so visiting Henry's family and it's out in the country and I'll admit that I'm more of a city girl. So I just haven't felt like myself. And then some of his friends were here and stuff and they're all kind of different from me and I feel like I don't belong. Like they're his camping type friends and that's not me. I guess it's hard to explain but then it erodes my self confidence hard because I don't know why he wants to be with me when I'm nothing like the people he normally associates with. And how am I supposed to keep him happy? I just feel so inadequate and insecure.
 
Sorry to hear about the insecure/inadequate feelings. Can your counselor help you with that?

I can't imagine any reason why Henry would keep wanting to see you except that he honestly enjoys your company. But I don't know if my perception helps you feel any better ...
 
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