viewpoints, communications amongst metas and shared partner

TrulsShadow

TrulsShadow

New member
Hello all, I was re-reading a few sticky threads/golden nuggets, and it got my brain going...

I was pondering viewpoints... how I do things, how my gf does things, how her partner does things. There are relationship goals we each have and many of them or all of mine are also shared by gf's partner. I still have quite a lot of ideas around what is acceptable/appropriate according to the mono relationship escalator, which is something that I am alone in having although gf assures me she knows what I'm talking about. It seems to be more of an issue when I wish to slow their (...bungee cord??? it's def. not an escalator) speed so as to help with me adjusting and gaining more confidence and trust in my relationship.

So far... I think the meta is finally starting to understand that I can't fully comprehend the bungee cord of 'all in or nothing' approach. My concern then is more on... when a meta wants to move their relationship forward without feeling stifled by me, how can they do that in a way that is respectful? Do they just ask me if an action is ok to take with my gf, and I counter with an agreed on time frame with a clear end for me to come to terms with and process the action? I realize typing this it sounds like I'm bordering a 'asking for permission'... yet... because of a repeated pattern of my gf and meta constantly moving too fast, that's what has been implemented and agreed upon by all. It's not... permission or veto, it's 'here's a thing we want, and we're going to wait for you for x amount of time'.

A bigger question and fear of mine, is what happens when a meta starts putting my gf in a position of choosing? My gf will know what both her partners want, and she will know how far each will presently be willing to bend. Should meta push for something sooner, and gf knows that I will not be amiable to bending, does that put her in an impossible position?* One that would be better avoided by simply refraining and showing restraint in what the meta wants? How can I communicate this in a way that is not antagonistic to both my meta and gf?

*impossible position being... one where of course she would want to let her relationship grow with meta, yet she also knows that the one she has with me would suffer because I would see it as being rushed and insensitive. So she is left with being stuck between pleasing one and disappointing another, or disappointing one and not telling the other yet also knowing that she would want to go forward and can't... I'm just not sure that that's fair to put onto a person.

Am I just an overthinking mono? Lost in this poly/mono sea?
Thanks :)
 
TrulsShadow said:
My concern then is more on... when a meta wants to move their relationship forward without feeling stifled by me, how can they do that in a way that is respectful? Do they just ask me if an action is ok to take with my gf, and I counter with an agreed on time frame with a clear end for me to come to terms with and process the action? I realize typing this it sounds like I'm bordering a 'asking for permission'... yet... because of a repeated pattern of my gf and meta constantly moving too fast, that's what has been implemented and agreed upon by all. It's not... permission or veto, it's 'here's a thing we want, and we're going to wait for you for x amount of time'.

A bigger question and fear of mine, is what happens when a meta starts putting my gf in a position of choosing? My gf will know what both her partners want, and she will know how far each will presently be willing to bend.
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You are not involved in a relationship with your meta, so they are under no obligation to speak to you at all, let alone ask you for permission for what they can or can't do with their GF. If you have concerns about your GF's other relationships that's between you and her, not you and her partner. You can negotiate for what you want with your GF. She can then either agree with you and manage her other relationship accordingly, or disagree and act as she chooses instead. Unless your GF is utterly incompetent to manage her own life your "bigger fear" should be what you're aiming for, not what you're hiding from.
 
I could be wrong. But it's almost like you are afraid of the other side of the V developing and then GF being put in a position where she has to pick meta or you. And you are scared she won't pick you. Is that it? :confused:

when a meta wants to move their relationship forward without feeling stifled by me, how can they do that in a way that is respectful?
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This is all pretty abstract. Could you be willing to give a more concrete examples? :confused:

What is it that the meta or GF wants to do? Some hugging and kissing? Some sex? If that is the case, as long as GF practices safer sex with you... what does it matter if they are kissing and hugging and stuff over there? Is this you trying to micro-manage them?

Or are they having sex on your kitchen table and you find this behavior disrespectful because you don't like walking in on that when you get home from work?

Or are we talking Big Life Stuff that would impact you in a major way? Like... marriage, children, buying a house together, moving across the country together? Then it would be nice if you were included in the conversation and not have it sprung on you like doom from the sky.

I don't mind if DH is hugging, kissing or sharing safe sex with a GF. I don't need to be all up in that.

I am going to be pissed if he just up and empties a joint bank account we share to buy a car or house with a GF without my being made aware, given a voice, a choice or anything. Part of that money is mine and him taking it all would be crap behavior. That isn't me trying micromanage them. That is him screwing me over without telling me.

Is it along those kinds of lines? Or something else entirely?

what happens when a meta starts putting my gf in a position of choosing? My gf will know what both her partners want, and she will know how far each will presently be willing to bend. Should meta push for something sooner, and gf knows that I will not be amiable to bending, does that put her in an impossible position?*
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Why is it impossible? Can't the hinge say "No, I am am not willing to do that at this time" if it clashes with other agreements she has to maintain?

I think the Hinge (your GF) could not make agreements lightly. And then honor agreements in order made.

Do you not trust her to handle herself and honor her agreements? Has she been untrustworthy in the past?

...she would want to let her relationship grow with meta, yet she also knows that the one she has with me would suffer because I would see it as being rushed and insensitive.
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She is not able to say "TrulsShadow, I can no longer keep this agreement. It pinches. I am making you aware. I need to renegotiate the agreement or disband. Because I don't want to break agreements or cheat on them."

And then you guys discuss. What is the problem with that? Do you not find that respectful of you? :confused:

So she is left with being stuck between pleasing one and disappointing another, or disappointing one and not telling the other yet also knowing that she would want to go forward and can't... I'm just not sure that that's fair to put onto a person.
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I figure if she wants to be the hinge, she's willing to do all the hinge things and take on the job. It's not you putting it on her. It is her accepting that mantle of responsibilities.

I coudl be wrong.... but it sounds like you are leaking into the other people's jobs. Like worrying about them doing their jobs right or not. Rather than minding your own stuff and letting them figure out their stuff. What are you worried will happen?

Alternately... if you really do not think it is fair to "put it on the other person?" Why are you doing it then? You could bow out and stop participating in this.
Then you are not in the polyship and it isn't you "putting it on her."

Galagirl
 
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^apologies--- the fear is mostly to do with major big stuff. It's rather silly to be micromanaging their relationship... though that was part of what I was untangling many months ago.
 
Emm said:
You are not involved in a relationship with your meta, so they are under no obligation to speak to you at all, let alone ask you for permission for what they can or can't do with their GF. If you have concerns about your GF's other relationships that's between you and her, not you and her partner. You can negotiate for what you want with your GF. She can then either agree with you and manage her other relationship accordingly, or disagree and act as she chooses instead. Unless your GF is utterly incompetent to manage her own life your "bigger fear" should be what you're aiming for, not what you're hiding from.
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Well of course. It's been the consensus of all involved actually since the beginning. Wrapping ones head around it and then shooting down each variance of it is a continued effort, one that is being less common. Still, I can see how my post comes across as this way.
 
I could be wrong. But it's almost like you are afraid of the other side of the V developing and then GF being put in a position where she has to pick meta or you. And you are scared she won't pick you. Is that it? :confused:

I suppose there's always the fear however irrational that she will choose to move across country to live with her partner and leave me behind as I would be unwilling to do that. And she knows that I don't want to move out of the country. So, that would put her in a position of choosing were the meta to want her to move out to live there. I'm just saying, it's not something *I* could ask a partner when I know their other would be opposed to it.



Or are we talking Big Life Stuff that would impact you in a major way? Like... marriage, children, buying a house together, moving across the country together? Then it would be nice if you were included in the conversation and not have it sprung on you like doom from the sky.

Is it along those kinds of lines? Or something else entirely?

I can only imagine financial issues... thankfully we aren't entwined in that way. We've spoken a bit to that effect, but so long as joint bills are paid, our money is separate. I suppose I'm mostly musing on unknowns, and wondering as a general inquiry if others have had bad experiences and how those can be avoided as well as can be... not that they can all the time I know.

Why is it impossible? Can't the hinge say "No, I am am not willing to do that at this time" if it clashes with other agreements she has to maintain?

I think the Hinge (your GF) could not make agreements lightly. And then honor agreements in order made.

Do you not trust her to handle herself and honor her agreements? Has she been untrustworthy in the past?

She is not able to say "TrulsShadow, I can no longer keep this agreement. It pinches. I am making you aware. I need to renegotiate the agreement or disband. Because I don't want to break agreements or cheat on them."

And then you guys discuss. What is the problem with that? Do you not find that respectful of you? :confused:

No, that's pretty much what I was looking for/ just clarification on how others think about this. The trouble is, we're all new and stumbling along, and there's been a lot of major mistakes early on that make me cautious and I'm much more willing to be the person to slow things down if it makes those mistakes less common.

A smaller problem is we don't really have clear agreements at the moment among us... it's just a hard place to be, waiting for confirmation that a stranger (meta) can be trusted just from what gf says. actions for me are what define a person, be they known or unknown. so far, actions have been far too fast and initated mostly by the meta. So, my caution and questioning here is to poll for what others have done. I'm not so sure that I'm micromanaging (though I easily could and I watch for impulses- nevermind that gf would spot it instantly and shut it down).

Essentially, yes, it does come down to trusting in gf, despite her in the past ignoring a major action that should have been communicated about.


I figure if she wants to be the hinge, she's willing to do all the hinge things and take on the job. It's not you putting it on her. It is her accepting that mantle of responsibilities.

I coudl be wrong.... but it sounds like you are leaking into the other people's jobs. Like worrying about them doing their jobs right or not. Rather than minding your own stuff and letting them figure out their stuff. What are you worried will happen?

Yeah, it does seem like I'm just overthinking this. And doing other people's work instead of just... offering directions? I usually send articles I find interesting to my gf, and we talk a lot.
 
Essentially, yes, it does come down to trusting in gf, despite her in the past ignoring a major action that should have been communicated about.
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The trouble is, we're all new and stumbling along, and there's been a lot of major mistakes early on that make me cautious
Click to expand...

we don't really have clear agreements at the moment among us
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I don't know what happened. I will assume you have done all the repair required. And she's apologized, promised not to do that again, and promised to communicate in future.

And it's a question of "Ok, slate is clean. Starting over. But I'm nervous still. "

So clear agreements need to be made. At least "for now" agreements.

If so? How about this? Since some of this seems to be about having confidence that GF will handle herself and you being able to relax around a stranger (meta.)

Run down the list.

http://openingup.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/Open-Relationship-Checklist-OU.pdf

Color stuff red, yellow or green. (Or make your own list, that is just an example.)

Red = NO.
Yellow = Check in. Proceed with caution.
Green = Go. Just go ahead without checking in.

If you can talk to GF, and define the "swimming pool" outline perhaps she can stay there for a time. Say X weeks or months. Whatever you guys agree. And you can grow confident than she can handle herself. Then at the next checkpoint maybe you can redo the sheet with new colors so she can "swim" in a bigger space once she's demonstrated she communicates better now and does not leave stuff out.

That way you can see she's trying. And she can see that over time, the pool will get bigger. Both of you are getting something that way.

Maybe do the other sheets too.

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

It sounds like isn't so much meta, but you being able to trust GF to handle herself and her judgement.

Galagirl
 
Hi TrulsShadow,

I am thinking that you are feeling like your meta and your gf are moving much too fast with each other. You can manage/micromanage the details all day long, but that wouldn't change the fact that you don't like their speed overall. And, you do seem to fear that gf might leave you, preferring to live with meta. The speed they are moving at just aggravates that fear. So possibly, you could ask gf to move slower in general, although, that raises the question of whether gf (and meta) already feels she is moving as slow as she can stand to move. But maybe that's a question that needs to be raised, sooner or later. It's possible that you and gf aren't compatible. I know that that's something you'd rather I didn't say. :(

For now I am assuming that gf and meta would be willing to slow down some more, and maybe they'd be willing to suggest to you some of the ways that they could slow down. This might help alleviate your overall fear. Anyway, it's something for you and gf to talk about.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
@GalaGirl~ I agree, building the trust is between me and my gf at this point on. I've confirmed these thoughts with others on reddit over the last few weeks. Thank you for the links to the checklists, I enjoy that kind of thing on it's own generally so making 'work' something that is fun and playful is a nice change!

@Kevin~ I understand it's not what I want to hear, or even admit to myself, but I have been working on not resisting that as a possibility. I've been coming to terms with the idea of a life without her in it as she currently is, and if that's what happens then it could be for any number of reasons. Poly is just the current scapegoat in my head.

I dislike the idea of micromanaging them... I hope I can catch myself doing it. I hope that I can keep myself out of attempting to control and instead turn to inviting dialogue and respectfully stepping away when I feel unable to be up to the task in the moment.

~

Above all, I hope that I can re-focus on myself and my own life. There remains things I have not been doing much of, things I enjoy that require sometimes more time and energy than my relationship. They can not compensate for the feel of arms holding me, but they do fulfill my spirit in other ways. I often call Art my muse, for good reason :)
 
Sounds like you are doing/thinking the right things to recenter yourself. Hang in there.
 
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