polyconflicted
New member
Looking for suggestions or a reality check. I probably sound incredibly door-mat-ey. Hope you have the patience to read. Background:I started a thread months ago about my live-in boyfriend of 10 years. He pushed a poly relationship and was untrustworthy. http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?p=248135#post248135 I moved out and refused to move back until he changed. This seemed to give him the push he needed. He was heartbroken, not knowing if I would return. I decided I was okay with poly, he decided it wasn't his thing. Things were the best they had ever been.
Months later, he got promoted and became dissatisfied with our finances. He makes 3x my income. I started changing careers, but it'll take 2-3 years(grad school).. He feels we should've been able to afford a house and kids by now. I'm 33. He's 30. He's not willing to move to a cheaper area. He's worried about having kids after 35.
He developed feelings for someone through work and took her out to dinner.She makes 6 figures and has a Phd(I googled). Without any discussion of reopening things. He got dressed up and denied it was a date. He said we're not married so he sees nothing wrong with exploring our options. While arguing, he said we should break up. He has an immature habit of saying that when upset so it's hard to take him seriously. As usual, he changed his tune: "I'm glad we're still together. I don't know how you put up with me sometimes"
One time he went to a bar without inviting me which is unusual. He later texted he was drinking with a woman he met. I overreacted based on past events and wrote that I can't believe this after our discussion. Only then did he mention her other friends. Said he understood my concerns but that it was frustrating that I jumped to conclusions. He claimed nonsensically that I have a problem with him socializing (despite JUST acknowledging the real issue). I never bother him about going out with friends ever. I asked if he wanted to reopen the relationship, he said no.
After acting tense and irritable for weeks,, he asked for space, said we hadn't gotten along lately. It made him question our compatibility. He decided we should reopen the relationship after all, this time while living in a 3 month sublet. He insisted living apart would help us heal from built-up resentments. He said he wanted things to work, that he would date women casually only and expected the same. Said he didn't want to hear details about my dates. After this discussion, he seemed more himself.
I went out to dinner with a guy before he moved into a sublet, even though it wasn't an explicit rule to wait. He said in anger," Fine have fun I'll go make a profile." He admitted he was jealous, and ashamed of it. The kicker is, he said weeks later that he was on the fence about moving out-but that my date with the guy pushed him to go through with it. He also listed himself as single on his dating profile and didn't want to tell dating prospects about me until "it came up". Does this seem hady to anyone or is this normal for some? This is what he did with the girl he pretended not to date as well. When I questioned the wisdom of this he got angry. He had earlier made a huge deal about me not having a photo on my profile. "It's shady". Seems like he can criticize my dating choices, but I can't question his.
First week of subletting, he wanted to see me all the time as usual- no interest in dating others. Suddenly he filled up ALL of his time with dates. He came over only when he had to, to care for personal matters (he pays his part of the rent ,I can't afford it on my own. So he comes when he wants.) The only thing we did together was cuddle once a week when he showed up in time for bed. He was no longer sexual.
Hurt, I asked what changed. He said just trust things will work out. That I see him all the time. I told him watching him brush his teeth is NOT quality time, I asked if we could do something fun at least once a week. He agreed, yet nothing changed. He kept our original plan to vacation with me, but that was it. He also cut our vacation in half and was evasive on why. I asked to make plans for a day and he said "I have to see what's going on that day first" He normally volunteers details about even tentative plans. I made the mistake of asking how neglecting our relationship to focus on other women was supposed to help us. He said,"We haven't even been doing this for very long, honestly." That he was no longer interested in "quelling my anxiety" so we should break up if I couldn't get over it.
He still texted every day with silly inside jokes like usual. Still insisted on going with me on vacation and to my family's wedding. During our trip, he was moody and miserable. He berated my driving more than ever. I told him I can't believe I have to take this crap when I do all the driving. I told him to get a license if he can do better. He said he would never ride in the car with me again because he didn't want to hear me say that again. I dropped it for now. We acted like nothing happened the next day, joked around and acted affectionate. He left to get a haircut. Only he snuck out without kissing me goodbye. He texted later that he was just going to stay at his place. He apologized for not kissing me goodbye. I invited him over for a quick beer, he declined. Even though he lives right across the street and we would no see each other for a while.
One day he acted awkward and informed me he had slept with his new g/f. Told me he was finding a better sublet (instead of the original plan to move back at the first opportunity). I asked him at what point does subletting stop? "I don't have a good answer" I made the mistake of blurting out, "I knew something was up when making plans depended on if your other g/f was available or not." He was livid. "I wanted things to work so badly and then this happens." He said "she's not even around next week". (I suspect this was a lie since I stopped hearing from him most nights the following week.) I am completely in the dark about everything involving her so I don't know. He said every little thing causes him to react like it's a big argument because of built up issues. That he can't reasonably heal to make things work. "We need to break off and live out our lives and if after time passes then whatever. I don't think there's anything left to do."
As usual, he changed his mind. He told me to hold on to our mutual credit card & mutual memberships. He told no one about the "breakup". He began spending time with me again. He surprised me with my favorite beers and candy. He invited me out with his mother and sister for dinner. He was affectionate,kissing me and looking at me with love. He was hot/cold still but not as much. I continued to give him space and asked no questions. And just acted my normal happy self.
He showed up at my place for the first Friday in weeks. He had surprised me with my favorite chocolate that morning after spending the night. So I acted aloof-I didn't expect to see him. He kissed me passionately, left to get groceries, then texted that he decided not to come back. He would bring the food tomorrow. He said he was changing sublets 9/1. I asked if he would consider living together again. "Not right now." I asked him if she knows about me. His answer: "Yes but not really." I asked if he saw her as long term potential or if he still just needed space, and if I should move on. He said he didn't know, he just knew he needed space.. "Maybe you should move on instead of waiting for me to make up my mind. Just go and if I find I made it up wrong well then maybe I should learn better in life." I told him the gifts and inviting me to see his family had given me hope. I asked if it was because of NRE. He said "It's not about that. I just need space which I'm not letting myself have." He said before: "I don't give ME the right amount of space. I'm hopeless and when given the opportunity I want to see you. This is part of the problem. there has to be no opportunities." I told him it bothered me that he never said this in the beginning. He just stopped seeing me with not explanation.
I told him I would move into a sublet. I figure that way he can't call all the shots on when to see me. Besides that, how can I stop being a doormat and still increase the chance of reconciling? He wants me to stick to temp. apartments. He hugged me forever this morning. Seems there's still a chance of this "space" ending. Has anyone heard of similar situations and how did it pan out? I recognize some of the work I need to do on my end. And that maybe I shouldn't' be bothering at all.
Months later, he got promoted and became dissatisfied with our finances. He makes 3x my income. I started changing careers, but it'll take 2-3 years(grad school).. He feels we should've been able to afford a house and kids by now. I'm 33. He's 30. He's not willing to move to a cheaper area. He's worried about having kids after 35.
He developed feelings for someone through work and took her out to dinner.She makes 6 figures and has a Phd(I googled). Without any discussion of reopening things. He got dressed up and denied it was a date. He said we're not married so he sees nothing wrong with exploring our options. While arguing, he said we should break up. He has an immature habit of saying that when upset so it's hard to take him seriously. As usual, he changed his tune: "I'm glad we're still together. I don't know how you put up with me sometimes"
One time he went to a bar without inviting me which is unusual. He later texted he was drinking with a woman he met. I overreacted based on past events and wrote that I can't believe this after our discussion. Only then did he mention her other friends. Said he understood my concerns but that it was frustrating that I jumped to conclusions. He claimed nonsensically that I have a problem with him socializing (despite JUST acknowledging the real issue). I never bother him about going out with friends ever. I asked if he wanted to reopen the relationship, he said no.
After acting tense and irritable for weeks,, he asked for space, said we hadn't gotten along lately. It made him question our compatibility. He decided we should reopen the relationship after all, this time while living in a 3 month sublet. He insisted living apart would help us heal from built-up resentments. He said he wanted things to work, that he would date women casually only and expected the same. Said he didn't want to hear details about my dates. After this discussion, he seemed more himself.
I went out to dinner with a guy before he moved into a sublet, even though it wasn't an explicit rule to wait. He said in anger," Fine have fun I'll go make a profile." He admitted he was jealous, and ashamed of it. The kicker is, he said weeks later that he was on the fence about moving out-but that my date with the guy pushed him to go through with it. He also listed himself as single on his dating profile and didn't want to tell dating prospects about me until "it came up". Does this seem hady to anyone or is this normal for some? This is what he did with the girl he pretended not to date as well. When I questioned the wisdom of this he got angry. He had earlier made a huge deal about me not having a photo on my profile. "It's shady". Seems like he can criticize my dating choices, but I can't question his.
First week of subletting, he wanted to see me all the time as usual- no interest in dating others. Suddenly he filled up ALL of his time with dates. He came over only when he had to, to care for personal matters (he pays his part of the rent ,I can't afford it on my own. So he comes when he wants.) The only thing we did together was cuddle once a week when he showed up in time for bed. He was no longer sexual.
Hurt, I asked what changed. He said just trust things will work out. That I see him all the time. I told him watching him brush his teeth is NOT quality time, I asked if we could do something fun at least once a week. He agreed, yet nothing changed. He kept our original plan to vacation with me, but that was it. He also cut our vacation in half and was evasive on why. I asked to make plans for a day and he said "I have to see what's going on that day first" He normally volunteers details about even tentative plans. I made the mistake of asking how neglecting our relationship to focus on other women was supposed to help us. He said,"We haven't even been doing this for very long, honestly." That he was no longer interested in "quelling my anxiety" so we should break up if I couldn't get over it.
He still texted every day with silly inside jokes like usual. Still insisted on going with me on vacation and to my family's wedding. During our trip, he was moody and miserable. He berated my driving more than ever. I told him I can't believe I have to take this crap when I do all the driving. I told him to get a license if he can do better. He said he would never ride in the car with me again because he didn't want to hear me say that again. I dropped it for now. We acted like nothing happened the next day, joked around and acted affectionate. He left to get a haircut. Only he snuck out without kissing me goodbye. He texted later that he was just going to stay at his place. He apologized for not kissing me goodbye. I invited him over for a quick beer, he declined. Even though he lives right across the street and we would no see each other for a while.
One day he acted awkward and informed me he had slept with his new g/f. Told me he was finding a better sublet (instead of the original plan to move back at the first opportunity). I asked him at what point does subletting stop? "I don't have a good answer" I made the mistake of blurting out, "I knew something was up when making plans depended on if your other g/f was available or not." He was livid. "I wanted things to work so badly and then this happens." He said "she's not even around next week". (I suspect this was a lie since I stopped hearing from him most nights the following week.) I am completely in the dark about everything involving her so I don't know. He said every little thing causes him to react like it's a big argument because of built up issues. That he can't reasonably heal to make things work. "We need to break off and live out our lives and if after time passes then whatever. I don't think there's anything left to do."
As usual, he changed his mind. He told me to hold on to our mutual credit card & mutual memberships. He told no one about the "breakup". He began spending time with me again. He surprised me with my favorite beers and candy. He invited me out with his mother and sister for dinner. He was affectionate,kissing me and looking at me with love. He was hot/cold still but not as much. I continued to give him space and asked no questions. And just acted my normal happy self.
He showed up at my place for the first Friday in weeks. He had surprised me with my favorite chocolate that morning after spending the night. So I acted aloof-I didn't expect to see him. He kissed me passionately, left to get groceries, then texted that he decided not to come back. He would bring the food tomorrow. He said he was changing sublets 9/1. I asked if he would consider living together again. "Not right now." I asked him if she knows about me. His answer: "Yes but not really." I asked if he saw her as long term potential or if he still just needed space, and if I should move on. He said he didn't know, he just knew he needed space.. "Maybe you should move on instead of waiting for me to make up my mind. Just go and if I find I made it up wrong well then maybe I should learn better in life." I told him the gifts and inviting me to see his family had given me hope. I asked if it was because of NRE. He said "It's not about that. I just need space which I'm not letting myself have." He said before: "I don't give ME the right amount of space. I'm hopeless and when given the opportunity I want to see you. This is part of the problem. there has to be no opportunities." I told him it bothered me that he never said this in the beginning. He just stopped seeing me with not explanation.
I told him I would move into a sublet. I figure that way he can't call all the shots on when to see me. Besides that, how can I stop being a doormat and still increase the chance of reconciling? He wants me to stick to temp. apartments. He hugged me forever this morning. Seems there's still a chance of this "space" ending. Has anyone heard of similar situations and how did it pan out? I recognize some of the work I need to do on my end. And that maybe I shouldn't' be bothering at all.
