Was this unethical?

P

Petunia777

New member
My partner and I are very new and inexperienced to the world of non monogamy. We have been talking about it for years and know that we are *theoretically* in favor of it, and that it would be something positive for our relationship in the long run, although we have never acted upon it, until recently.
My partner had recently gone on a trip to Mexico for work and while he was there slept with another women. Upon telling me very nonchalantly, I was devastated.
Last time we had a discussion of him having intercourse with another person I told him I wasn’t ready and he agreed to wait. I am currently working with my own hang ups due to past sexual trauma and he understood and is helping me work though. This time, there was no discussion. No communication before hand. I thought we were so far away from this that we had never ever had a discussion about our boundaries, and what we are comfortable with. He had intercourse with a coworker. Something I would never have been okay with.

Context ; I’m currently studying abroad in rural Asia, and had become very ill and isolated due to this. I was in a tough and scary situation and needed his support while this was going on.

I just don’t know how to feel. This feels like I violation because of the circumstances surrounding the situation. I want so badly to be okay with this and be happy for him but I’m just not there yet.
Is this considered cheating? Or does anyone have any advice on how to be comfortable and supportive of this and how to move forward?
 
I'm very much a right now person.

So right now, you've known for years that your partner would be very interested in exploring a non-monogamous relationship. While you thought he could happily keep that on the back burner, recent events show that isn't an option. By the way, him doing this outside of your explicit agreements is a bad thing, yes it is cheating, it shouldn't have happened. What it does show is that he needs a change more rapidly than you do.

Your choices now are to further delay this change because of this breach in trust which, in my experience, will create a chasm between you or work on structuring the type of non-monogamy you have discussed for years in acknowledgement that waiting isn't working for him any more. Your last option is to end the relationship.

What you could do is discuss safer sex agreements so you're on the same page.
 
Last time we had a discussion of him having intercourse with another person I told him I wasn’t ready and he agreed to wait.
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Just talking about poly doesn't mean "ok, we agree we are Open now."

So if the current agreement was "Closed and wait" and he slept with a coworker while on a Mexico trip? I would consider that cheating on current agreements. Because the current agreements were closed relationship.

I want so badly to be okay with this and be happy for him but I’m just not there yet.
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Why do you want to be happy about this? :confused:

I wouldn't want to be ok with my partner cheating on current agreements with me. I can't feel safe in a relationship like that. So no. I wouldn't be happy for him that he shared sex with a coworker in Mexico and broke agreements while I was sick in Asia.

If the current agreements were starting to pinch for him, I would have expected him to say "Hey, heads up. I can no longer keep the current agreement as is. I want to move on to Open relationship. Can we talk and renegotiate? Or disband? Either way, I need to make you aware that the current agreements don't work for me any more and I would like to talk. " Not just jump in with the coworker.

After renegotiating, then I could feel happy for him finding a new partner. Because then everything is on the up and up and nobody is cheating on anything.


Is this considered cheating? Or does anyone have any advice on how to be comfortable and supportive of this and how to move forward?
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Yes, I would call that cheating on current agreements. He jumped the gun.

At this point I think you have to figure out how to move it forward.

Has he apologized? Recognizes the mistake made?

Do you want to...

  • Forgive but stop talking about poly? Like chalk it up to a mistake and forgive? But no more poly talk and only date each other?

  • Forgive and continue poly? Like chalk it up to a mistake and forgive? Take this opportunity to renegotiate agreements so you guys ARE in an Open relationship now? Try again to do poly with him?

  • Forgive but stop dating? Like chalk it up to a mistake and forgive? But break up and not do anything else with him?

  • Not forgive and stop dating? Like the breech in trust too much for you? Not forgive anything and just end it with him?

Only you can answer that stuff. I don't know if these helps you any:

http://felislunae.org/relationships-love/coping-with-infidelity/

https://felislunae.org/relationships-love/coming-clean/

Galagirl
 
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Petunia777 said:
I’m currently studying abroad in rural Asia, and had become very ill and isolated due to this. I was in a tough and scary situation and needed his support while this was going on..... I want so badly to be okay with this and be happy for him....
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You might ask yourself why you would even want to continue in a relationship with someone who knows how vulnerable you are right now and chooses to have sex with someone else without your consent. Why do you want to be OK with this? Just so you can keep him? Is that the foundation upon which you want to continue building with this person?


Petunia777 said:
I just don’t know how to feel.
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I'd say that you do indeed know how to feel and that you're feeling it. You sound reluctant to honor how you feel, for fear of losing this guy, but you have feelings for sure. You possess the ability to recognize how you feel. So how do you feel?
 
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FallenAngelina said:
I'd say that you do indeed know how to feel and that you're feeling it. You sound reluctant to honor how you feel, for fear of losing this guy, but you have feelings for sure. You possess the ability to recognize how you feel. So how do you feel?
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People pay hundreds of dollars an hour for this kind of advice, and here you are giving it away for free.:cool:
 
It certainly sounds like cheating in your eyes. You really didn't go into much detail about your talks. Saying the two of you never "acted on it" was interesting wording that makes it sound like the two of you had some sort of agreement to open up at some point. It doesn't sound like you are in favor of it now.
 
Hello Petunia777,

From what I gather from what you posted, it sounds like you and your partner had an explicit agreement that he would not have intercourse with anyone but you. As you put it, "he agreed to wait." Was he specific about how long he would wait? Did he promise to wait until you said you were okay with it? If he did, then what he did was cheating. If he didn't, then you have a gray area where the two of you are not on the same page. Like perhaps he decided, "Well, I've waited for awhile now. So I've kept my word. So now I'm free to go have intercourse. Petunia would be okay with this." Like maybe he didn't know that you wanted him to wait *until* you gave him the go-ahead. And you may have thought he *did* know that.

Perhaps the two of you should talk about what you've agreed to versus what you *think* you've agreed to. At least get confirmation that you're on the same page. What did he mean when he said, "I agree to wait?" How long was he willing to wait? Was it your understanding that he knew you wanted him to wait until you said you were okay with it? *Did* he know? Talk with him and find out.

There are many levels of clarity in communication. You may need to step up to the next level. Although as I said, that's just me going by what you had posted. Maybe he did know what you expected!

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
Petunia777 said:
My partner and I are very new and inexperienced to the world of non monogamy ... Last time we had a discussion of him having intercourse with another person I told him I wasn’t ready and he agreed to wait ... This time, there was no discussion. No communication before hand. I thought we were so far away from this that we had never ever had a discussion about our boundaries, and what we are comfortable with. He had intercourse with a coworker. Something I would never have been okay with ... Is this considered cheating? Or does anyone have any advice on how to be comfortable and supportive of this and how to move forward?
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Lots of good points in other answers. Personally, when it comes to the question of ethics, I apply critical thinking to the issues in an effort to discern what the case is. This is not always easy because accurately assessing relationships requires a certain degree of emotional intelligence in addition to the facts, and that isn't always clear in text based communication.

But FWIW, what I see is a broken agreement. You told him you weren't ready and he agreed to wait, but he didn't. On the surface that's a rather open and closed case of unethical behavior. However perhaps there are mitigating circumstances to consider that aren't apparent. IMO, whatever they are ( if any ), they better be good.

Regardless of whatever the complete situation is, you are now no longer in the situation you thought you were in before, and had previously agreed upon. My question to myself would now be less focused on whether or not my partner has done anything unethical, and how I can handle the present situation ethically myself, including the drawing of what boundaries my partner now has my permission to cross with me, and what freedoms I want for myself.

Sex with outside partners regardless of permissions and agreements has health considerations and all the rest of the usual consequences. My partner would now have a bunch of hoops to jump through before anything physical could happen with me ( including medical tests ) plus the challenge of restoring trust. It's not your responsibility or obligation to help them with either one. But it's also not something to make harder than it should be.

You need to be able to balance all this in your own heart and mind. Personally, I would be disappointed in the situation and would be distancing myself to some extent while all the dust settles, after which time I would evaluate whether or not I wanted to continue in that particular relationship. Some sort of relationship maybe, but it would never be the same.

The bottom line: Now that you know how much you can trust your partner, redefine your borders along those lines, and see where that leaves you. There may still be a lot worth hanging onto. If you can still have that, and accept that the rest is different now, perhaps it will evolve in a way that is favorable to you both. Just remember that doesn't mean compromising your own personal integrity or freedoms in the process.
 
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I agree with this post 100%

SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
I'm very much a right now person.

So right now, you've known for years that your partner would be very interested in exploring a non-monogamous relationship. While you thought he could happily keep that on the back burner, recent events show that isn't an option. By the way, him doing this outside of your explicit agreements is a bad thing, yes it is cheating, it shouldn't have happened. What it does show is that he needs a change more rapidly than you do.

Your choices now are to further delay this change because of this breach in trust which, in my experience, will create a chasm between you or work on structuring the type of non-monogamy you have discussed for years in acknowledgement that waiting isn't working for him any more. Your last option is to end the relationship.

What you could do is discuss safer sex agreements so you're on the same page.
Click to expand...

I also want to point out that even though he broke an agreement, he was honest with you about it. So what you've learned about your partner is a) the closed relationship structure wasn't working for him and b) you can probably trust him to be honest with you.

Yes, he explicitly broke an agreement. But wether or not you want to continue the relationship is up to you.

If you can't get to a place where you are ready to live polyamorously after years of discussion you may want to consider finding someone who wants to be an exclusive relationship or consider just being single. You sound a bit uncertain of your feelings. And if you talk the polyamory talk for this long, you need to make it a priority to make up your mind and/or start dipping your toes in the water so you can learn how YOU are in a polyamorous dynamic. No book or forum or podcast will tell you exactly how you, as an individual, feel about poly. One way or another I suggest you work on learning more about yourself.

Another thing- how does he react when you point out that he explicitly broke an agreement? And is he apologetic? Does he feel attacked? Does he feel confused about you? About himself? These are important questions.
If he feels attacked and gets upset with you for pointing that out, that's not a good sign. He may have had a hard time listening/understanding.
If he feels confused about you, something may have been lost in the communication and he really may have misunderstood and thought it was okay to sleep with someone else.
If he is confused about himself and is apologetic, he probably didn't see this coming. He may have thought that he was okay with waiting but when faced with the opportunity while being far away from you, he may have gotten lost in the moment.

If you want to stay together, I think that explicit agreements need to made so everyone is on the same page.

I mean well and I hope that I didn't project my own style of poly too much when responding to this.
My personal relationahip style doesn't rely on rules or the concept of cheating. It relies on open and continuous communication and honestly.
When it comes to what my partners do with other people there is no such thing as cheating, only lying.
But it is up to YOU how YOU do poly and I encourage you to be kind to your feelings and not try to fit a circle into a square.

Best wishes
 
Doesn’t make anything and everything ok

I really dislike when any behavior is ‘justified’ under the poly umbrella. Just doing because you want and you’re ok with it is not acceptable when you are connected to another. I always believe when in a relationship you should take into consideration the boundaries of the person with the biggest ones as the starting point. If you can’t do that then you shouldn’t be in said relationship.
 
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