Way to leave me hanging... or "I don't want to be Poly anymore" (long)

[BrianneGoddess]

I'm ready to tell more of my story. After reading many of the threads and stories here, I feel I'm in the right place to talk this through and hopefully find some kind of answers or at least the ability to feel less sad/angry/annoyed/ hopeful in a continual loop.

I've lived my entire life believing that Hetero Mono with a single partner is the ideal to strive for. That nothing else comes before this relationship and that you do whatever it takes to fix problems. My husband, let's call him Rock (cause he is my rock) and I dated for 6 years and then got married. We've been married nearly 11 years now.

As per my intro thread, in seeking to strengthen our marriage and help Rock through some of his personal issues, I grew closer with the woman I consider my best friend. Let's call her Wonder Woman. As she led and guided me into what I felt would work best for Rock and I (FLR), we grew closer and I became more and more confused at the feelings I felt growing for her.

One day she called me on these feelings - she saw them coming and recognised them way way before I did. And so began an incredible, intense and amazing time for me. A lot of soul searching, examining my own upbringing and ideas and thoughts.

She introduced me to the idea of Poly and we prepared to meet at last (she lives very very far away from me, another continent kinda far) - I was planning on telling Rock before even booking the flight. She was so confident that her husband would be happy for her, for us - because she has always shared her search for her female counterpart with him. And he was very supportive and seemed to be happy with us being friends who chatted every day for most of the day about every thing in our lives.

I made the decision to walk away from what I had known my entire life - this was the first time she indicated she felt responsible for this, even though I never ever do anything based on someone else. I'm not like that. I felt only peace, calm acceptance, and more love. It boosted my marriage, my friendships, my energy for everything. My children noticed that I was happy "for the first time in years, mom" was one observation.

I felt for the first time since early childhood totally and utterly like I was finally who I was supposed to be, and it brought only calm to my heart and mind. I felt home (if the concept can be a feeling not only a place). And every single day, every single interaction had me falling harder and deeper for her.

Forward to the day she finally told her husband. He did not accept it, he was scared that she would leave, he was anxious, he was jealous - of someone WonderWoman had never even met! He told her that he had never felt secure in the knowledge that she was seeking someone else.

And so she implemented, out of the blue, a total cut to all communications with me. For 7 days!! while she figured out if she needed me as much as she felt she did. I was devastated. From constant daily contact to nothing. The bottom fell out of my world, but I chose to trust her, to trust what we had, that it would see us through.

It didn't even take her that long to come back and tell me that this was not for her, that she had decided she only wants to be with him, that she doesn't need me anymore.

Please understand that I have never fallen in love quite like this, so I have never experienced heartbreak like this either. I was devastated and as soon as Rock saw me he knew something was wrong (damn increasing open and honest communication!!) and I blurted everything out to him while crying in his arms.

Poor guy didnt know what to do, but he comforted me and since then has done everything he can to help me feel better. He plays sad songs for a bit while holding my hand and then plays fun songs, goofing and making me laugh. He talks about her, encourages me to stay friends with her (yes after a steady stream of angry and hurt and highly emotional emails back and forth we managed to salvage our friendship and yes we are still in daily nearly all the time contact) and he is convinced that one day Wonder Woman and I will find our ways to each other.

He sees the bond we have. He recognises and acknowledges that there are things he is unable to give me and he accepts that she can.

He and I are both aware now that the hole in me is back - we never knew it was there before WonderWoman filled it and then emptied it again.

Wonder Woman and I avoided all talk about us for a while, only alluding to my conflicting thoughts and growth process - right now I'm mainly trying to figure out if I am indeed bisexual or if it was just her.

It's all very confusing for someone who until a few months ago had a rather straightforward, predictable (albeit a bit boring), and stable life.

So I guess what I want to know is, am I being a fool to keep hope that one day, someday this might happen?
Am I crazy for staying in contact with her? (please note that I don't know if I could cope without our daily contact)
Should I go back to my in the box boring self who doesn't feel hurt like this?
Should I be thinking poly / bi thoughts right now even when I'm so confused I struggle to sleep and often forget to eat?

And most importantly, how on earth do I stop the crying and aching feeling like a part of me is gone?

Any advice, comiserations, kicks in the butt or virtual hugs welcome right now. Cause I'm so miserable and heartsore that I'm rolling my eyes at my own silly behaviour.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle.

So I guess what I want to know is, am I being a fool to keep hope that one day, someday this might happen?

It could happen. Just maybe not with her.

Am I crazy for staying in contact with her? (please note that I don't know if I could cope without our daily contact)

I think staying in contact is not helping your break up process. You need the detachment process to begin. You could try no contact for a month, to adjust and heal from the break up and then go back to chatting as friends.

Should I go back to my in the box boring self who doesn't feel hurt like this?

No. It was a learning experience for you. You learned this makes you happy, and that your own spouse actually IS supportive. So again... it could happen again for you. Just not necessarily with her.

Should I be thinking poly / bi thoughts right now even when I'm so confused I struggle to sleep and often forget to eat?

I suggest you accept your brain is processing and let go of the word "should" and replace it with "could."

You are not your thoughts or your feelings. You are the person DOING the thinking, and EXPERIENCING the feelings. When you notice yourself getting all caught up in poly/bi thoughts to the point where you neglect your meals and other self care?

Interrupt yourself. Go "Hey! Brain! That's fine that you want to think stuff like that, but we could take a minute to make a sandwich. We gotta eat here! So I'm saying we pause for 5 min to go do that. Let's go!"

And most importantly, how on earth do I stop the crying and aching feeling like a part of me is gone?

You let yourself grieve the loss. Stop trying to avoid grieving. Just do your grief process.

But stop hitting the "reset" the button by talking to her daily. If that is just moving you back to square one, accept you need some time away to complete breaking the loop. You say you want to break out of the circle loop thing. So do behaviors to break it. Feelings will catch up after you do new behavior. Not before.

If you keep doing same old behavior, and keep experiencing same old feelings you do not like? Change your behavior. Take a time out for a month. Grieve. THEN start chatting again and get reacquanted. Begin the new process of "being friends and exes" at THAT point in time.

Any advice, comiserations, kicks in the butt or virtual hugs welcome right now. Cause I'm so miserable and heartsore that I'm rolling my eyes at my own silly behaviour.

You could stop that behavior. It is appropriate to feel sad and grieve after a break up. You don't need to add to your own load by talking down to yourself about being in a grieving state by calling yourself names like "silly."

I see that you want this process to be over, and that's a good thing. It's a stage in grief to be "sick and tired" of grieving and yearn for "normal" to come back. But understand it is a process and don't make it harder by doing down talk.

It's not being kind to yourself.

Galagirl

 

[opalescent]

Sometimes people come into our lives to show us what's possible but not to join us on that journey. Perhaps this is what happened with you and Wonder Woman.

If you want to remain friends with Wonder Woman - and I don't blame you if you decide you do not - there is a '40 days' technique I highly recommend. It is to go no contact with the person for 40 days. No contact means no phone calls, no texting, no social media, nothing in person. I've used this with all of my recent breakups. It allows for you to begin to 'reset' yourself. Taking a break from the other person is really critical to give you some time to heal and to begin to move on.

Do note that the 40 days thing is not the time frame for your grieving process. That often takes much longer. And don't beat yourself up over that. Forty days is long enough to give you time to begin to regain equilibrium, to get a little distance, and the beginning of some new perspective.

After 40 days, you can be in contact again if you like and if you feel you can handle that without overly hurting yourself (or her). It's not really possible to expect no pain on your end. Breakups suck generally. And the breakups that result from life-changing relationships suck even more.

Be kind to yourself.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi BrianneGoddess,

Re (from OP):

"So I guess what I want to know is, am I being a fool to keep hope that one day, someday this might happen?"

You are not a fool. You have just had a crash from a very high state of NRE. Will Wonder Woman take you back someday? Maybe, but I am thinking less than 50% likely, more like 10%.

"Am I crazy for staying in contact with her?"

I guess I don't see the harm in staying in contact with her.

"Should I go back to my in-the-box boring self who doesn't feel hurt like this?"

How? I don't know. That ship has sailed.

"Should I be thinking poly/bi thoughts right now even when I'm so confused I struggle to sleep and often forget to eat?"

Forgetting to eat is kind of a separate issue. There are ways you can remind yourself. I think it's okay to think poly/bi thoughts, but just consider that Wonder Woman might not be the one for you.

"And most importantly, how on Earth do I stop the crying and aching feeling like a part of me is gone?"

Slowly. Very slowly. A little at a time. You are in a process of grieving. And the thing is, that aching feeling will never 100% go away. You can't replace Wonder Woman with anyone, or anything, else.

So sorry you're going through this.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[BrianneGoddess]

Thank you all for your shared wisdom and words. I will respond properly after some sleep...

 

[BrianneGoddess]

This week is much better. I have re-read and thought about the advice given here daily and a lot of it has helped me feel calmer and more able to clearly think things through.

I am allowing myself to grieve. I have accepted that her decision is to ignore, but that it doesn't mean I am forcibly held to the same "rule". Giving myself the permission to think about her, about the reasoning behind what we had and where we were heading has enabled me to understand a lot about myself and start to find clarity on where I may end up going from here.

I'm starting to work on accepting that I still deserve the love and affection I am searching for and that it most likely will not come from WonderWoman.

I have decided to stay in contact with her for now, but to ease back on baring my soul to her. I am trying hard not to respond the instant she messages and emails me. One step at a time I guess. I just cannot deal with loosing my best friend right now too.

And I will say that she has been really great at being able to step back and make suggestions/give advice without her emotions coming in to play. It's helping somewhat. I think. anyway.

My Rock has decided to keep lightheartedly teasing me when I'm messaging her and he has the kids doing it to. I dont mind, and his intent is good. he is still adamant that it could happen one day. But I don't think I am willing any more to hinge my entire future on a "maybe, possibly, possibly not". For now he is asking about her, listening to when I talk about her and encouraging me to keep the friendship.

Thank you all, I'm taking it one day at a time. I've found a cathartic way to release my emotions,memories, thoughts and feelings (I've started writing again) and I think that is helping greatly too.

 

[kdt26417]

Glad to hear things have improved somewhat. Please keep us posted.