Wearing a ring

PollyBolly said:
I totally get you. I grew up being a very "different" person who always went against the grain. For a long time I silenced myself because I was tired of butting against more conservative/traditional mindsets. Tired, drained, hurt etc.

Now I realized that yes I shouldn't have to hide myself but what I am very very much not interested in is justifying or arguing any point about what I choose to do and a lot of people have a lot of opinions. They are welcome to have them but as I say people don't have an automatic right to you life nor to judge it. I could be out and telling everybody and be an open book but to be honest, it doesn't make sense to me. The only people I care about having opinions from, I'll tell. I don't have the energy to waste on the others, if you get what I mean.
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Yes, I understand that for sure! I have always seen things differently from most people also.

It's a good practice to tune in to whether it's hiding out of a sense of spiritual discord, or just being private.

The former might manifest as your circle of intimates becoming smaller, or not wanting your friends to know what you are 'up to'. The latter might just mean you don't go into all the details, but you give people the gist of what you are doing, enough that you are not hiding your life, but not giving a dissertation about it either. Does that make sense?


I personally will want my husband to wear a wedding ring, or other symbol of our union. Co-wives I will also want to celebrate as well. That is just me. I'm into ritual and symbolism.
 
AphroditeGoneAwry said:
Yes, I understand that for sure! I have always seen things differently from most people also.

It's a good practice to tune in to whether it's hiding out of a sense of spiritual discord, or just being private.

The former might manifest as your circle of intimates becoming smaller, or not wanting your friends to know what you are 'up to'. The latter might just mean you don't go into all the details, but you give people the gist of what you are doing, enough that you are not hiding your life, but not giving a dissertation about it either. Does that make sense?
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Yes it's takes a lot of me checking with myself to uncover from which place I'm choosing my privacy. I do keep my group of intimates small. Everyone else is need to know so you are exactly one point. I've already told most of my intimates about him but more out of the girlish excitement rather than disclosure. I hope it works well :) if not, it was an experiences and I do believe life is about collecting experiences.
 
Zed and I have discussed this a few times. I let him know I would be okay if we removed them considering our relationship and I feel it stands more in HIS way than my own. He doesn't want to take it off simply because he feels it is dishonest.

I continue wearing mine until he tells me he wants otherwise. He knows that door is still open. Our wedding bands are also quite unconventional, so our rings are typically asked about if people wonder.

Personally, in response to your question, I wouldn't worry about it too much as it's only a symbol and if they knew you, they would understand. It's not like people are going to be running to his wife telling her something she doesn't already know.
 
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We are primaries but I met L first and married him before I met N. I do consider myself engaged to N.

The only time I take my ring off is when I am visiting his family in the countryside. Most family members don't know, and it is a very small community so regardless of what we tell family I would not flaunt being poly in public. I am not sure what we will do in the future, I imagine simply I will tell them I marry him (we can have a ceremony and a party and consult a lawyer to secure our futures as best we can legally) and then I will wear a ring with his name, too and I will sort of "generally be married". If we have kids, if we are lucky the older generation will have died off before the kids are old enough to speak up. Anyway, he knows his people so I make him decide.
 
Hi PollyBolly,

I'm not much of a ring-wearer in the first place, but if I was wearing a ring, and dating someone, and they wanted me to not wear it while I was with them, I suppose I'd probably follow their wishes. And I don't think I'd tell their friends anything they didn't want me to tell their friends.

Don't know if that helps, but that's my take on things.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I usually wear my ring with Jack, out of habit, and have checked in with him to see if that's okay (it is). But Roger prefers to take his ring off around Taylor, mostly for his own comfort of going out with her and not wanting to feel anxious that other people might be judging him. When the four of us spend time together, usually Roger and I take our rings off.

I'm beginning to feel less and less comfortable with wearing my ring, simply because Jack is my co-primary and I am acutely aware of not wanting him to feel "less than" in any way. Of course if he expressed discomfort with it, I would not mind taking it off one bit.

As for coming out to friends, most of Jack's friends know that I'm married, since they have been friends with Roger and me for several years. But I will always consult with him first before "outing" him/us to other people.
 
I don't relate in terms of primary/secondary, but I think I couldn't be with someone who in general wanted me to pretend that I didn't have other partners. It may be okay for certain circumstances, eg particular family functions. But it would feel strange to me, like were building the wrong thing. I wouldn't mind a DADT kind of arrangement in most social settings (like a work function), i.e. let people believe what they want, but be honest if someone asks.

Re: rings, I wear a ring related to one of my partners. It's important to me and I only take it off for practical reasons. I'm not sure how I'd feel if someone needed me to take off the ring when I was with them. My first reaction is "no way". But... maybe? However I would need to understand that this was in absolutely no way a symbol or symptom of them being uncomfortable with the reality of my other relationship.

You say it is a gut reaction to seeing the ring, rather than a feeling about the other partner as such... I don't share that gut reaction, so it may take some time to identify enough with what you're feeling so I can decide whether it would be a deal breaker for me.
 
Re: rings

I probably answered in the thread that NYCindie posted, but...

MrS has his ring tattooed on so...
I have a traditional wedding set and only take it off for practical/safety reasons (working with machinery etc.)

We are also very private people and my relationships are no-one's business but my own. My circles of intimate friends knows the deal - everyone else can butt out. When we (Dude and I) are out in public in Hometown, PDAs are kept to a minimum (which is my preference anyway). Dude presents as "best friend/roommate" - I know it chafes him at times - but it is the reality of our situation, professionally it is not "safe" for me to be "out" publicly.

If Dude and I ever decided to exchange "commitment-type" jewelry - I could envision us wearing rings on the ring finger of our right hands...but that isn't where we are.
 
I just read online that the Turkish tradition is wearing the wedding ring on the left hand. Since I already wear my Norwegian wedding ring on my left hand (as is custum in Norway), if my boyfriend and I decide to "marry" I have a perfect free ring spot :)
 
Norwegianpoly said:
I just read online that the Turkish tradition is wearing the wedding ring on the left hand. Since I already wear my Norwegian wedding ring on my left hand (as is custum in Norway), if my boyfriend and I decide to "marry" I have a perfect free ring spot :)
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Do you have two left hands? :p
 
Norwegianpoly said:
haha, no, I wrote wrong, I wear my wedding band on my right hand, as is the Norwegian custom :)
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Ah, thanks. Most customs I know have it on the left hand (the rationalization being "that's the side of the heart" but I think it's probably more random than that) so I wasn't sure which of Norway or Turkey had it on the right hand. Good to know about Norway!
 
Fun facts:


https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ring_finger
In some Christian and non-Christian countries[4] such as Austria, Bulgaria, Denmark, Georgia, Greece, Hungary, India, Lithuania, the Netherlands, Norway, Poland, Russia, Serbia, Spain, Ukraine, and Venezuela the wedding ring is worn on the ring finger of the right hand.

In other countries, such as Australia, Canada, Croatia, Egypt, Finland, Ireland, Italy, Jordan, Mexico, New Zealand, Romania, Slovenia, South Africa, Sweden, the UK, and the USA it is generally worn on the ring finger of the left hand. In Brazil and in Turkey, the ring is worn on the right hand until the actual wedding day, when it's exchanged to the left hand.
 
I don't know how I would handle this.

I feel like my ring is kind of like a security blanket in a way. Or maybe I'm just so afraid of losing it that I don't want to take it off.

If a potential partner asked me to take it off, I would have to ask my husband what his thoughts were on it. I don't know that I would want him to take his off but then again I don't want either of us to make other people feel uncomfortable.

Does anyone have another ring from another partner that they wear too? What finger do you wear it on?
 
polywanna said:
I don't know how I would handle this.

I feel like my ring is kind of like a security blanket in a way. Or maybe I'm just so afraid of losing it that I don't want to take it off.

If a potential partner asked me to take it off, I would have to ask my husband what his thoughts were on it. I don't know that I would want him to take his off but then again I don't want either of us to make other people feel uncomfortable.

Does anyone have another ring from another partner that they wear too? What finger do you wear it on?
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I don't have a ring from my other partner yet, but if I did, I would wear it on the second smallest finger on the left hand. That is the "place" for a wedding band in his country, wheras the right place in my country is in the second smallest finger on the right hand and that is where I keep the wedding band from my husband. So in both countries, I would wear the wedding band from the person in the right place :)

I know also some people wear very thin wedding bands and so they are able to keep 2-3 rings on top of each other.

I have been through medical exams where I was obliged to take off all jewlery, and then I put my wedding band in my wallet, inside a small plastic bag.
 
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I wear 3 rings on the ring finger on my left hand - they all fit together, one on top the other. In this pic, PunkRock's wedding ring is the large abalone band on the bottom, but my 3 rings are on top of that. I have a white gold band from PunkRock layered on top of my engagement ring from DarkKnight, on top of my white gold band from DarkKnight. I think together, they look like a tight cohesive unit. :)
 
Bluebird said:
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I wear 3 rings on the ring finger on my left hand - they all fit together, one on top the other. In this pic, PunkRock's wedding ring is the large abalone band on the bottom, but my 3 rings are on top of that. I have a white gold band from PunkRock layered on top of my engagement ring from DarkKnight, on top of my white gold band from DarkKnight. I think together, they look like a tight cohesive unit. :)
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I like that, if the current woman of my intentions does become wife2, I would want a ring on her finger. Mostly so she would know how much I cared about her. Also that she was part of us. My wife and I have rings, both are different. I wonder if wife2 gets a diamond also? Wife1 always tells me to treat them the same.
 
TheWind - I didn't want a 2nd diamond, though PunkRock would have saved to get me one. I like that my rings look streamlined. Another diamond would have made my finger too full. :) In your situation, with two wives though - yeah, I would get her a diamond. :) Each of my husbands have a different ring.
 
I know if real and I decide to marry. We would exchange rings. Mine would have a stone of some sort. Maybe not a diamond as I'm not big on most diamonds. His would somehow complement his existing ring prolly much like bluebird s to make a cohesive whole.
 
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