weird question - how to be monogamous

[kisser]

I have a weird question.

I'm polyamorous. Always have been, but didn't know what it was at first.
Married a Catholic man pretty young under somewhat false pretenses; I didn't know there were other relationship options, so I tried to be a good wife, be what he wanted, ignore my leanings.
Monogamous for a few years.
Cheated on my husband many years ago.
Managed to be monogamous for 5 or 6 years after that. (Guilt, shame, etc.)
Desires got too hard to stifle; started to research ways to do it ethically. A few years ago asked husband for polyamory.
Husband tried. (He loves me, wants me happy.) I had a bunch of dates, girlfriends, boyfriends. Boyfriends were the hardest on DH. He had a couple dates with my girlfriend at one point, but that didn't work. No one else.
I spent way too much energy and time on the others - neglecting him and the kids. So that was my bad.
There were a couple of nasty breakups that were very difficult on him cause I'm an emotional wreck. Again, my bad.
We're D/s. He's the D. I'm the s.
I'm not leaving him; divorce is not an option. I adore him; I love him; I want him to be happy.
He recently (about a month ago) told me to stop dating. Indefinitely. Carrot: maybe he'll let me be polyamorous sometime in the future. Not sure when though.
I was already sort of ish dating a woman. I had a few dates set up with men from OKC. I cancelled the dates that were set up and ignored the ones that weren't. I feel bad about that. Went into depression for a week or so. I feel like I'm giving up some of my identity. Since I discovered polyamory, it's felt so right, so obvious, so natural and correct for me.
Some of the potentials took bigger importance in my head - 'the ones you can't have' than they had before he banned dating. Stupid, but hard to shake.
He allowed me to go to a munch (bdsm meetup thing, casual meal and conversation with a group thing) because someone I'd been talking to (not date potential) was new and wanted someone more experienced to go with her.
I went. A guy from OKC who'd been the most special in my head after banning was there. We talked. We hit it off. We kissed. I make DH late for work. My bad.
DH said I could continue to talk to this guy on friends only basis. A few weeks ago. I've been talking to him every day. I think I'm in love with him now. My very bad.

I need to stop. I need to be monogamous. I need to forget wanting anything other than DH. And that should be easy, right? This is why I'm on this forum, and not some monogamy forum. You all understand. It's not that frelling easy. But it feels like it should be. I agreed to this. I married him. And more recently, I agreed when he banned dating. I adore him. I would rather he be happy than me. If we divorce, no one's happy. He loses me, I lose him. And we'll both be distraught. If we stay together, he's happy. I'm partially happy. I can deal with it. I just don't know how.

Here's the question: How do you be monogamous if you're naturally polyamorous?

 

[Marcus]

I need to stop. I need to be monogamous. I need to forget wanting anything other than DH. And that should be easy, right? This is why I'm on this forum, and not some monogamy forum. You all understand.

You've been misinformed. You are asking a D/s question. You will undoubtedly get more situation appropriate responses from a kink/fetish forum.

While there are D/s folks on this forum (hopefully one/some of them will respond) there is nothing inherent in your struggle that relates to poly versus monogamy as far as I can tell... this is a D/s question relating to how to go about suppressing reality in favor of doing what you are told.

 

[sparklepop]

He recently (about a month ago) told me to stop dating. Indefinitely. Carrot: maybe he'll let me be polyamorous sometime in the future. Not sure when though.

First question:

Are you in a D/s relationship, or a 24/7 Master/slave relationship?

If you have agreed to a Master/slave dynamic, you only have two options: agree to offer all decisions about your life entirely to your Master, or decide that you are not willing to offer all decisions about your life to your Master.

You didn't say Master, so (for now) I'm going to assume he's a Dom and you're a submissive, but that you don't have a formal Master/slave relationship.

Are you ok with being told you can't be polyamorous?

He allowed me to go to a munch (bdsm meetup thing, casual meal and conversation with a group thing) because someone I'd been talking to (not date potential) was new and wanted someone more experienced to go with her.

Are you ok about this level of control? Are you ok with being given permission and being banned?

I went. A guy from OKC who'd been the most special in my head after banning was there. We talked. We hit it off. We kissed.

Isn't this cheating?

I make DH late for work. My bad.

You don't make someone late for work. DH chooses to be late for work. You don't cause other people's actions - our actions are our own.

I need to stop. I need to be monogamous. I need to forget wanting anything other than DH.

Why? What will this achieve?

And that should be easy, right?

No.

I agreed to this.

What did you agree to and are you still happy with those agreements? Just like a scene, relationships involve re-negotiating and changes can happen over time.

And more recently, I agreed when he banned dating.

Are you happy with this agreement?

I adore him. I would rather he be happy than me.

In my opinion, this is unhealthy, codependent behaviour. I understand the need to serve and submit, and I understand the idea of putting someone's happiness above your own. Doing the latter can be healthy sometimes. However, if your happiness never comes first, this isn't healthy.

I have never been in a 24/7 Master/slave or even 24/7 D/s relationship. The closest I have come is being in a relationship for three years with my submissive. Even if we lived together, I do not see it as my place as a Domme to force things that my submissive does not want. I am there to remove the control she wants me to remove from her. I am there to please her as much as she is there to please me. If a submissive of mine agrees to offer me control over something that conflicts with her fundamental beliefs and values, I have a responsibility to discuss re-negotiations so that she can find the sense of servitude she needs without losing herself. In my opinion Dom/mes have a duty of care over their submissives - control is to be handed over, not stolen.

Why would I want my submissive to completely lose herself and live in misery? Surely submission means more when my submissive is filled with happiness and joy? Surely my submissive would *feel* more submissive and genuinely wanting to offer herself if she felt that I held her happiness close to my heart? That's my opinion.

If you are happy to submit (in any realm - sexually, day-to-day, financially, etc.), you will feel that happiness springing from your soul. If it truly made you happy to hand over control of your love for others, you would FEEL that happiness. I'm not hearing that you do.

If we divorce, no one's happy. He loses me, I lose him. And we'll both be distraught. If we stay together, he's happy. I'm partially happy. I can deal with it. I just don't know how.

Not only do you sound unhappy, but you have also broken guidelines - by cheating in the past and by kissing this guy. You are also pushing boundaries by talking to this new guy every day and allowing yourself to fall in love with him. (Yes, I do believe we allow ourselves when we don't take the necessary steps to create distance and leave something alone). Don't broken guidelines indicate a problem?

Here's the question: How do you be monogamous if you're naturally polyamorous?

It sounds like you need to decide how much control you are willing to hand over to your husband/Dom/Master.

If you don't even think this is a D/s problem (I think it's intertwined), then you are still saying that you are happy to live your life only partially happy for your husband's sake. Where is the respect for yourself in that idea? Why don't you want to be equally happy as your partner? Do you find giving up part of your happiness an expression of servitude? If so, do you think you really feel good about it?

If you really want to try to be monogamous, you simply have to cut all contact off with the new guy you are in love with and stop torturing yourself. Also, in future, you have to commit not to put yourself in positions where you are allowing yourself to get too close to others.

 

[GalaGirl]

You two are many things to each other. This new agreement is filed under what? Your D/s arrangements? Your marriage arrangements? Certainly not your roomie or coparenting agreements?

If poly you agrees to stop dating and Close dating others, does mono him also agree to Open and talk to you/listen to you when you express your poly thoughts and feelings? Or do these things have no other place for expression?

Galagirl

 

[opalescent]

This is not about the D/s dynamic. That's a layer, certainly but it's not the heart of the issue. This is about partners accepting each other as they are, and the consequences of failing to do that hard work.

A few questions for you. Why did your husband ban dating for you at this time? Has he decided you must be monogamous to him forever more? Has he decided to be monogamous for himself? Was there a triggering event of some sort?

This isn't going to be what you want to hear.

You are not monogamous. You won't ever be monogamous. You could probably act monogamous for a while. But it won't last. Your husband is asking the impossible of you. The pattern you describe in your post will happen over and over and over again. You are emotionally cheating now. You will physically cheat at some point. Sooner or later, this pattern will break your marriage.

You rightly wanted a way to be with your husband ethically. You didn't want to cheat again - kudos for you! Seriously. Many people just go ahead and cheat and don't do the work to try and do ethical non-monogamy.

D/s is just another way to organize and structure relationships. It cannot make you who you are not. D/s will not make you monogamous. Your dominant cannot tell you to be who you are not. Despite your desires to please him, you are who you are. He can tell you not to date and you can comply. But that doesn't change your core being, which includes polyamory.

I know you don't want to divorce. That is clear. But just saying divorce is not an option doesn't take away the reality that you two are currently wildly incompatible. If he is unwilling to do the work necessary to accept you as you truly are, and cope with having a poly submissive and wife, then I see little hope for remaining together. The point of marriage is not to be happy nor is it to make each other happy (although that should be part of it!). The point of marriage (and relationships in general) is to help make each other the best possible version of each other.

That said, there is hope. Perhaps his reaction was mostly about poly done poorly. There were some classic mistakes - NRE got the better of you as it does so many and you carried home emotional pain from breakups that perhaps should have been talked out elsewhere. (This is what best friends are for!) You've learned. You can hopefully manage more skillfully now. Perhaps there some rules that will help him get more comfortable. I'm not a fan of rules that limit partners but in this context and for a designated length of time, they may help ease the transition. Perhaps you only date women for a time? Or he meets potential partners early on? Or you swing together for a time? There are a lot of options to manage easing into poly.

It is entirely possible to have a monogamous dominant and a poly submissive. I know folks in that dynamic. However, you must first be willing to tell him you cannot do this. I know how terrifying that must be. You cannot put his desires first in this situation. Doing that will end your marriage.You must put your marriage first - and in this situation, that means telling your truth to him. Notice I did not write 'put him first in this situation'. He also values you and your marriage. Hopefully he will be willing to do the work with you to save your marriage.

 

[kisser]

Marcus: that was insightful. thank you.

Sparklepop: It is a 24/7 Master/slave relationship. I thought specifying that might scare/confuse people as there are many vanilla people on this board.
No, I'm not "okay" with the specific items; permission and being banned. But as you said, I agreed to give up this amount of control, and I want to be okay with it.
I was uncertain if the kissing was cheating or not. For the last few years I have had permission to do a wide range of things with casual play partners at events, including S&M, touch, kissing. At the time I was uncertain if kissing this guy would be cheating or not; it fell in a gray area. Afterwards I asked if M could clarify what I was allowed to do and what I was not. Apparently I am still allowed to do all of those things, (at events he also attends), because he enjoys that I do and it is useful to him. I do not want to do them any more, nor do I want to attend any events, because, as you say, the temptation to break guidelines is very high.
I apologize for my typo; I meant I made M late to work by coming home from the munch late. He was more displeased with that than the kissing.
Learning to be monogamous will achieve M being happier and more content.
Yes, broken guidelines are the problem I am trying to fix.
I am trying to isolate myself from places where temptation comes from. I am very entwined in community and events, and had just started being part of planning several. I want to step back and quit, to make this monogamy thing easier; he does not want me to.
If there was a way to renegotiate that would make him happy and myself, I would do that. But we have tried; he is not happy when I am emotionally invested in others such that I spend time and energy on them, above and beyond playing at events.
Thank you for your insight.

Galagirl: This is filed under our M/s and marriage agreements. Primarily M/s. He is not happy to listen to me wax poetic or talk too much about others. Usually this leaning comes out in my art. For a long time that was the best way to explore it. Unfortunately, I have a big commission coming due, and several pieces were to be celebrating joy and contentment in polyamorous arrangements, that were partially inspired by the hopefulness I felt when it was allowed. I feel messed up now, that I can't create the art I've been paid for - the inspiration is not there. He says he may allow it in the future, but I do not feel hopeful. I don't know how to fulfill my commissions, or how to fulfill my obligations to M. I am desperately trying to find a way to do everything I need to. Thank you for your insight.

opalescent: You are correct, I very much do not want to hear that. Thank you for your insight.
There was not a specific triggering event; it was more that I was starting to spend some time talking to people on OKC and from events that struck my interest - I was just starting to get back into dating some months after a really nasty breakup. He decided he did not want to deal with it (me dating, spending time and energy away, being upset by fights or breakups) again.
You may be correct that we are incompatible. I do not want to consider it, but I acknowledge it may seem so.
You are correct. I did poly very very poorly. When he first mentioned concerns about me dating again, I asked for guildelines, for rules that would enable him to be comfortable, so I could do better. He declined and banned it altogether.
I am not willing to tell him I cannot do it. I want to be able to do it for him. I am trying to put my marriage first by trying to be what he wants me to be.

 

[KC43]

This is probably a matter of semantics, but...

You can't BE monogamous anymore than you can BE seven feet tall. You ARE polyamorous. That's you. Others will probably disagree, but to me being monogamous or polyamorous is a hardwired thing, not a choice. You are who you are.

You can LIVE monogamously. Whether and how you act on your hardwiring IS a choice. However, it sounds like you've tried living monogamously in the past and it was painful for you and caused you to act in ways that you were not okay with (i.e. cheating).

I'm not as familiar with Master/slave dynamics as I am with Dom/sub (I'm a sub myself; Hubby is my Dom), but as I understand it, you've given your Master your free will, essentially. You have to do as he tells you. Please correct me if I'm wrong on that.

As others have said, even in a M/s situation, your Master can't force you to be someone you aren't no matter what he commands. He can command you not to ACT on who you are, just as he could command you to have sex with women even if you identified as heterosexual (if I've read your first post correctly, that *isn't* how you identify, but this is just an example), but that doesn't change the wiring. If you were straight and he commanded you to have sex with a woman, that wouldn't change you BEING straight, it would only change how you acted. Likewise, he can't make you stop BEING polyamorous, he can only deny you the opportunity to act on those needs/wants.

It is your choice whether to agree to your husband's commands. He's your Master, so I'm not sure how *much* choice you have, but it's still your choice. You could choose to agree, or you could choose to walk away thereby ending the M/s relationship. Or other options in between.

You seem to feel that the best way to act monogamously is to remove yourself from any and all possibilities of acting polyamorously. You also seem to feel that would be painful and would sever connections with others that you've worked to build. One way to make sure you obey your Master and don't cheat is absolutely to completely avoid temptations and situations that might cross lines, but is that honestly the best solution? Your husband seems to believe that you *can* be trusted to act within his wishes in those situations; if he trusts you, why is it so difficult for you to trust yourself? If he has spelled out specific boundaries for you, why would you be unable to act within those boundaries?

Those can be rhetorical questions; I'm not looking for you to answer them, just giving you something to think about.

 

[kisser]

opalescent: I should also clarify I believe we've exhausted a number of options for going slowly; for years I was only allowed to date women, and then men, but no sex with men, until actually after I broke up with the most recent boyfriend (which was a factor in that breakup).
He's always met the dates usually by the second date if not before. I was starting dating again with the mistaken idea that we'd passed all the go slow/hard parts, and that it was full fledged polyamory now. Perhaps my over-eagerness to finally be able to do things I'd wanted to do for a long time was a factor in turning him off the idea completely.

KC43: Thank you for your insight. Perhaps I misunderstood the semantics. I can not BE monoamorous; and love only one. I AM polyamorous; and love more than one. But I can BE monogamous; and be married-romantic-sexual with only one. For a time at least. Is that incorrect terminology?
Yes, monogamy is painful.
Yes; I can choose to obey, or I can choose to leave. I do not ever wish to leave. So I am seeking aid in obeying.
I honestly do not know why he trusts me in those situations. Even if I do not cross physical boundaries (which I have before, and therefore do not trust myself) I tend to cross emotional boundaries, even unwilling. I get crushes on people very easily; I obsess about them and talk about them or wonder about them for the duration of the crush. It was easier to do before I was allowed polyamory. When it was an impossible dream it could be set aside as impossible, and I could let it pass by in time. Now that I know these things are possible, and doable, just not for me, the temptation is much higher. It is more painful; so I wish to avoid those situations.

 

[KC43]

It isn't "correct" or "incorrect" terminology; I have ways of phrasing things that make sense to me, but might not work for others.

However... to me, no, you cannot BE monogamous. You can ACT monogamous, but your actions do not change who you are inside. That's just my way of defining things; it's far from being an across-the-board way of putting it. There is no "right" way to express or define these things; it's what makes sense to and works for you.

Is being in those situations painful to you because you're required to behave monogamously and *that* is painful, or because you cause pain/guilt for yourself by being tempted when you "shouldn't" be?

I get that leaving is not an option you're willing to consider. But it sounds to me like a discussion with your husband about boundaries, and having something firmly set, would be beneficial. It also sounds like part of your current difficulty is that he's refusing to give you a timeframe--or even tell you whether or not this is permanent--as to how long he expects you to behave monogamously outside of the events and situations that he attends with you. Is that something you could ask him?

And does he understand--have you been able or allowed to express to him--exactly how painful this is for you and how much you want to obey him vs. how much it's costing you emotionally to do so?

 

[gorgeouskitten]

I;m not in a M/S situation so I can not relate to that, but its always nice to here responses from all kinds of people (far from vanilla btw, not that it matters).
I'm just going to share my story with you, take from it what you will or chalk it up to being entirely unrelated

I went through very similar things as you...history of wanting multiple relationships, settled down for the husband...cheated...asked for poly. Last year, when I asked (last spring) I was so sure I was poly by heart and nature. I looked at my history and my desires and that I couldn't control it and just knew this was the answer.

But it turns out, I don't love my spouse like I thought I did. I fell in love with someone who is so well suited with me I want him and no one else. Ive stopped in my tracks on relationships this time to figure out ME. Im separated from both men, hard as it is. Im figuring out what makes me tick, I realize I couldn't control my desires because I seek validation through sex and devotion. Found out I suffer from crippling anxiety that has fed into my relationships. There is so much to fix about myself before a healthy relationship.

Im just saying...it isn't always about mono vs poly....but knowing who you really are.

 

[GalaGirl]

Unfortunately, I have a big commission coming due, and several pieces were to be celebrating joy and contentment in polyamorous arrangements, that were partially inspired by the hopefulness I felt when it was allowed. I feel messed up now, that I can't create the art I've been paid for - the inspiration is not there.

You can. That's what work IS. You do stuff and show up whether you want to or not. It isn't as FUN to go to work when in a funk, but one goes to work anyway and earns their paycheck.

If you truly cannot meet your contract call them to cancel, refund deposits, and do it fast so they have more time to find subsitute artwork. Not dangle til the last minute.

I would solve that bit first.

I see that you file this under "master-slave" then "marriage" so I am guessing that is the priority order for you. Do I guess wrong?

I'd sort that area next. If you agree to submit within certain bounds and he agrees to meet your needs in certain bounds in exchange and all is well? Great.
So long as both are enjoying the dynamic, carry on.

If you are not enjoying it any more? Change the boundaries of your kink together or drop the kink entirely. See if that serves the marriage better, since you don't want to divorce at this time.

Galagirl

 

[PolyinPractice]

I am in a M/s relationship. But I would never, ever let him force me to do something that went against my nature. Not that he would ever do it. Our romantic relationship built up first, so he genuinely cares about me.

 

[Marcus]

This is not about the D/s dynamic. That's a layer, certainly but it's not the heart of the issue. This is about partners accepting each other as they are, and the consequences of failing to do that hard work.

If this weren't a D/s situation I would ardently agree with this assessment. The fact that this is a D/s, power surrender situation tells me that no such acceptance is required. He doesn't have to accept who she is because she's not an autonomous human being, she's his submissive and has to do what he tells her. "Do exactly as I say, be the person I tell you to be, or get lost"

It also seems that her liking or disliking, agreeing with or disagreeing with his decision is irrelevant. That's part of the game, or at least that's what I'm seeing described.

So, what she needs to do is either change her relationship configuration into one where she is "allowed" to express her free will and be polyamorous... or learn to be ok with pretending to be someone she isn't. Power exchange blows my mind.

 

[opalescent]

If this weren't a D/s situation I would ardently agree with this assessment. The fact that this is a D/s, power surrender situation tells me that no such acceptance is required. He doesn't have to accept who she is because she's not an autonomous human being, she's his submissive and has to do what he tells her. "Do exactly as I say, be the person I tell you to be, or get lost"

It also seems that her liking or disliking, agreeing with or disagreeing with his decision is irrelevant. That's part of the game, or at least that's what I'm seeing described.

So, what she needs to do is either change her relationship configuration into one where she is "allowed" to express her free will and be polyamorous... or learn to be ok with pretending to be someone she isn't. Power exchange blows my mind.

@Marcus,

This is from my own experience in my local kink community. Others may have very different thoughts.

What you summed up is a mistaken conception of D/s. It's pretty common though. Yes, overall the dominant is the one who sets the rules, establishes the parameters of the dynamic. The submissive is generally the one who responds, who serves in some way, who follows the rules. BUT a submissive is always an autonomous human being. Agreeing to be someone's submissive does involve giving up some control in negotiated ways. It does not mean one is no longer in control of one's life and choices. It's always a negotiation, even if one has agreed to be submissive. A two way street ultimately.

M/s is a different dynamic and one that this OP is in. It does involve giving up huge amounts of control. But even in M/s relationships, most people I know in this dynamic and in D/s situations create a space where they can communicate outside of the dynamic, as spouses and partners. And even M/s ends when one of the partners decides it's over.

Power exchange blows my mind too.

 

[opalescent]

I am trying to put my marriage first by trying to be what he wants me to be.

@kisser,

This does not work. Ever.

 

[opalescent]

Sorry for the posting blitz! I cannot figure out how to break out a piece of a post to quote something, respond to that post, rinse, repeat. The formatting always goes awry for me..

Sparklepop: It is a 24/7 Master/slave relationship. I thought specifying that might scare/confuse people as there are many vanilla people on this board.
No, I'm not "okay" with the specific items; permission and being banned. But as you said, I agreed to give up this amount of control, and I want to be okay with it.
I was uncertain if the kissing was cheating or not. For the last few years I have had permission to do a wide range of things with casual play partners at events, including S&M, touch, kissing. At the time I was uncertain if kissing this guy would be cheating or not; it fell in a gray area. Afterwards I asked if M could clarify what I was allowed to do and what I was not. Apparently I am still allowed to do all of those things, (at events he also attends), because he enjoys that I do and it is useful to him. I do not want to do them any more, nor do I want to attend any events, because, as you say, the temptation to break guidelines is very high.
I apologize for my typo; I meant I made M late to work by coming home from the munch late. He was more displeased with that than the kissing.
Learning to be monogamous will achieve M being happier and more content.
Yes, broken guidelines are the problem I am trying to fix.
I am trying to isolate myself from places where temptation comes from. I am very entwined in community and events, and had just started being part of planning several. I want to step back and quit, to make this monogamy thing easier; he does not want me to.
If there was a way to renegotiate that would make him happy and myself, I would do that. But we have tried; he is not happy when I am emotionally invested in others such that I spend time and energy on them, above and beyond playing at events.
...
opalescent: You are correct, I very much do not want to hear that. Thank you for your insight.
There was not a specific triggering event; it was more that I was starting to spend some time talking to people on OKC and from events that struck my interest - I was just starting to get back into dating some months after a really nasty breakup. He decided he did not want to deal with it (me dating, spending time and energy away, being upset by fights or breakups) again.
You may be correct that we are incompatible. I do not want to consider it, but I acknowledge it may seem so.
You are correct. I did poly very very poorly. When he first mentioned concerns about me dating again, I asked for guildelines, for rules that would enable him to be comfortable, so I could do better. He declined and banned it altogether.
I am not willing to tell him I cannot do it. I want to be able to do it for him. I am trying to put my marriage first by trying to be what he wants me to be.

opalescent: I should also clarify I believe we've exhausted a number of options for going slowly; for years I was only allowed to date women, and then men, but no sex with men, until actually after I broke up with the most recent boyfriend (which was a factor in that breakup).
He's always met the dates usually by the second date if not before. I was starting dating again with the mistaken idea that we'd passed all the go slow/hard parts, and that it was full fledged polyamory now. Perhaps my over-eagerness to finally be able to do things I'd wanted to do for a long time was a factor in turning him off the idea completely.

So you are allowed to play casually with people at parties and such? You can kiss others, cuddle others, touch others, have scenes with others. Your husband is fine with you scening with others because he enjoys watching. As long as you don't get emotionally attached in some way, he's fine with it. And both of you are pretty enmeshed with your local kink community? Am I understanding this correctly?

If this is accurate, well...

/rant begins/

FOR FUCKS SAKE! He's fine with you playing with others as long as no emotions are involved and he is not inconvenienced in any possible way. He's totally fine with exposing you to constant temptation FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE and expecting you to continuously go against your being FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. If your local scene is anything like mine, the emotional and physical temptations will be non-stop. You are being set up to fail. He may even then blame you for failing.

This is a dick move. If he wants to help you be monogamous, he doesn't get to expose you to temptation. You are someone who gets emotionally attached when you play or interact with other people.

/rant over/

He apparently some effort to set some rules that would make him more comfortable. But it seems to me he bailed when actual poly relationships for you - with men especially - started getting more real.

This happens a lot in all kinds of relationships. The less inclined or not inclined partner tries half-heartedly for a while, goes slow, sets rules and such. And then, at some point, freaks out and pulls the monogamy or nothing card. Your husband is far from unique in that sense.

It's totally ok to want to be emotionally faithful to one person and get that in return. There are quite a few monogamous kinky couples I know. But that is both what they want. I don't see that here. You are clearly desperate to make him happy. I don't get his apparent willingness to make you suffer for the rest of your lives together in order to make him happy. I suppose some find that romantic. It's just dysfunctional in my opinion.

 

[Marcus]

M/s is a different dynamic and one that this OP is in. It does involve giving up huge amounts of control. But even in M/s relationships, most people I know in this dynamic and in D/s situations create a space where they can communicate outside of the dynamic, as spouses and partners. And even M/s ends when one of the partners decides it's over.

So M/s, not D/s. Good clarification.

No matter the name of the dynamic, the one the OP is currently in sounds like it's exactly what I described - a complete and voluntary surrender of autonomy. No idea why anyone would want to do that, but unless the OP decides she wants to put a stop to this dynamic I don't see what other choice she has but to do as she's told and be miserable.

 

[graviton]

This is bizarre to me. Your husband wants you to be monogamous but he keeps pushing you into situations that require you to open yourself up emotionally and physically in order to practice your fetishes. It is very apparent that in order for you to feel safe in those scenarios you want to create a deep emotional bond with people which naturally leads to polyamory. He wants you somehow to turn off your feelings but continue playing in order to please him and his fetishes. This is actually a very common occurrence on these boards. That sounds exactly like what happens when a swinging couple finds out that one of them has created an emotional connection to someone that they have shared sex with. Frequently the other spouse will freak out and demand that the other relationship end. That spouse is capable of having sex without emotion so they demand the same from their spouse when it is impossible for him/her. I guess the key here is that if you wish to remain monogamous I think you should remove yourself from all temptation. Its like demanding an alcoholic to only drink one beer and everytime the alcoholic ends up binging instead. The alcoholic knows themselves well enough to stay away from alcohol all together but the same friend who invited him out for just one beer and gets disappointed in his behavior continues to invite the alcoholic out for just one beer.

 

[Marcus]

Its like demanding an alcoholic to only drink one beer and everytime the alcoholic ends up binging instead.

I see what you're going for here, but I personally find polyamory being compared to a life altering addictive/compulsive personality disorder to be a little offensive. I'm not trying to be courtesy police here, just pointing out that comparing polyamory to a neurological disorder isn't needed to make your (otherwise well made) point.

You're previous comparison to swingers and the problems encountered when one of them starts encountering "feelings" made the point very well, and I happen to agree with it.

 

[kisser]

KC43: Thank you for clarifying the terminology.

The situations are painful to me for both reasons. I tend to want to closely connect with lots of people, and not being allowed saddens me. I also do not feel up to explaining that things I was previously allowed are no longer allowed, especially if I cannot say so with joy and contentment. Finally, I have found that guilt and shame (remembering just how badly I hurt M when I cheated on him), are the only reliable methods of keeping myself from crossing boundaries without thinking. I do understand that that is very immature, to have difficulty keeping agreements.

Yes, not having a clear timeframe and framework is not helping, so I am drawing a smaller box, because I do not want to mess up gray areas.

No, I do not want to express how painful it is for me to him. I used to push him for things that I wanted, often without regard for what he actually wanted or was comfortable with. I feel that letting him see my emotional wreckiness would inspire guilt/feelings of inadequacy in him; this would be counter to my intention of pleasing/comforting him.

gorgeouskitten: that was a very interesting perspective. Thank you.

GalaGirl: That was very much a necessary kick in the ass. I got paid for work; I need to deliver, regardless of personal feeling. Thank you, very much. That was actually my biggest terror; that I would fuck up the commissions and ruin everything (financially for family - refunding deposits is currently impossible). You are right. It may not be easy, or fun, but I can do it. Thank you. I will restart work on those today.

Dropping the kink is not an option for me either. Changing the boundaries may be possible.

PolyinPractice: M genuinely cares about me also; I genuinely care about him. It is more that this aspect of my nature is upsetting to him, and I do not want to cause him distress. Thank you for your perspective.

opalescent: "This does not work. Ever." Thank you for your perspective.

Regarding the rant: To clarify; I was the one that initiated interest in being involved in the community, I was the one that got tangled up in it and dragged him along. I was somewhat surprised that he was as comfortable there as he was; I did not expect when I told him I wanted to withdraw completely (even though I adore the participation and work I do there, but just to avoid temptation - withdrawing was only slightly less painful than continuing and being tempted) that he said I may not.
(This is partially influenced by him being involved in the scene in a limited commercial way now - my withdrawing would make the commercial side much more difficult.)

Yes, I absolutely get emotionally involved with people I play with for any significant length of time.

Again, to clarify; it is not that he wants to make me suffer, it's that I don't want to make him suffer.

Marcus: thank you for your perspective.

graviton: thank you for your perspective. Interesting analogy. It is unlike swinging in that sex (and the emotional connection over and above 'friends' level) is what I am not allowed. In other words: I may have friends. I may play with them. I may not date, I may not have other 'significant others', I may not have sex with others.