Well hello everyone!

[SheBLittleButFierce]

Hello there!

I am a single mother of two that actually had children in the midst of a monogamous marriage that proved to neither of those two things. I'm divorced and currently involved with a polyamorous hetero man.

My altruistic reasons for being poly (both before and after my marriage) were for the sake of sheer happiness. Even when myself or my partner didn't have an ongoing outside relationship we were happy. No jealousy, distrust, yelling or drama. I like the communication the most!

My selfish reason is a bit feminist. No man may own a poly woman. Similarly, no woman can own a poly man but in that case the man is not in an odd societal lurch in which all attempts to date get him labeled a whore or keeping to himself labels him a prude. This is a paradoxical invasion of dignity that women suffer in the current social structure of modern life.

I value polyamory as a way to give my immense desire to love and care for others to many instead of crushing one and I also love that many may love me without me sucking them dry. I adore the level of communication and respect that comes from this. We all try harder because we're getting these efforts returned to us!

I've run across two things I hate about polyamory. You can cheat. Lying or distrustful behavior can still creep in. The second thing is the types of men that think "oh wow! Poly! I'm going to fool this girl, play a long cat and mouse game for the thrill, sleep with her and hide it all from my monogamous wife!" I can't stand those a-holes! That's disgusting and low and those people don't deserve what they have or what they try to get!

And that's it! That's me. Howdy!

 

[Spork]

Hi! Welcome!

I like how you shared what you like and don't like about poly. For me, that feminist (or humanist) part about no one owning anyone, is part of how I'm sorta solo-poly. I mean, I've got my relationships and all, but I refuse to do the "escalator" thing ever again. I'm a bit territorial...need my own home, my own space.

In my opinion, polyamory takes the pressure off of people to be every single thing that their loved one needs in a partner. I don't think that it's fair to expect our lovers to add and subtract from who they are for our own happiness. Being able to get different needs met with different people lets me appreciate each of them for who they really are.

The unfortunate downside of that is that I think the males in my life are kinda wired to be competitive. They try not to be, they intellectually agree with the concepts about polyamory and all, but deep down I think each of them would rather be the best, or all the things, and wishes I didn't "need" other men...just conditioned by nature and society to try and compete with other guys or something. Fighting their programming.

Also it really does suck when people use poly as an excuse or smokescreen to just cheat. I won't mess with a guy who says he's married and his wife is ok with him being poly, but she doesn't want to know anything about it. So called "don't ask, don't tell" arrangements. Nope. Unless he has a video of her speaking out her full consent to this, there's no way I can know he's not just lying and cheating.

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings SheBLittleButFierce,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

While I would hesitate to say poly is right for everyone, I do believe it's right for you. And for myself, I am proud to be in a poly-fi V. It sucks when people misuse the poly label, but outside of that there aren't many drawbacks.

Glad you could join us, and have been interested in your other posts so far.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

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Welcome aboard!

 

[SheBLittleButFierce]

Hi! Welcome!

I like how you shared what you like and don't like about poly. For me, that feminist (or humanist) part about no one owning anyone, is part of how I'm sorta solo-poly. I mean, I've got my relationships and all, but I refuse to do the "escalator" thing ever again. I'm a bit territorial...need my own home, my own space.

In my opinion, polyamory takes the pressure off of people to be every single thing that their loved one needs in a partner. I don't think that it's fair to expect our lovers to add and subtract from who they are for our own happiness. Being able to get different needs met with different people lets me appreciate each of them for who they really are.

I'm kind of new to terminology though not new to the lifestyle. What is "escalator?"

Also, I LOVE that you found the pressure alleviated! Me too! It's exhausting trying to "be" everything for anyone. One of my biggest problems was that am very loving and adore touching, pampering and having intellectual and physical contact with my lover(s). The downside was that people in my past thought I was sensitive and could provide them with that kind of caring. I can't!

I don't cry when I'm sad (except when I was pregnant but I cried when I was hungry too) I can only tear up when I'm angry. I don't show a man how much I want him through jealousy either which led some to think that the other women who were jealous cared more! One of my ex-partners broke up with me because lack of jealousy meant I was heartless and didn't really love him and it all started as a fight because I asked if I could just watch him and this lovely women be intimate together! (It's a fetish of mine).

That particular instance taught me that I cannot be enough for anyone and, quite frankly, I didn't have the right to expect them to be everything for me!

I'm very excited to be here and meet you! Hugs and thanks for the welcome!

 

[Spork]

I'm kind of new to terminology though not new to the lifestyle. What is "escalator?"

Also, I LOVE that you found the pressure alleviated! Me too! It's exhausting trying to "be" everything for anyone. One of my biggest problems was that am very loving and adore touching, pampering and having intellectual and physical contact with my lover(s). The downside was that people in my past thought I was sensitive and could provide them with that kind of caring. I can't!

I don't cry when I'm sad (except when I was pregnant but I cried when I was hungry too) I can only tear up when I'm angry. I don't show a man how much I want him through jealousy either which led some to think that the other women who were jealous cared more! One of my ex-partners broke up with me because lack of jealousy meant I was heartless and didn't really love him and it all started as a fight because I asked if I could just watch him and this lovely women be intimate together! (It's a fetish of mine).

That particular instance taught me that I cannot be enough for anyone and, quite frankly, I didn't have the right to expect them to be everything for me!

I'm very excited to be here and meet you! Hugs and thanks for the welcome!

Escalator (and "non-escalator") is a term I recently discovered that I love. Because there is this assumption among "normal" society (mono, vanillas, muggles, whatever lol) that a proper relationship follows a certain pattern...meeting, dating, courting, sex, declaration of exclusivity, live together, merge life and plans, get married, have kids, buy a house, build a legacy, retire, be grandparents, etc. That is the escalator. Nothing wrong with it, but it's a CHOICE, not an inevitability...and a relationship doesn't have to exist on the escalator to be valid and fulfilling. Well, I did sorta live that way for quite a long time with my ex, but I always looked for a future where I got to pursue my own life goals and since I had my kids young, I didn't want my entire future to be one of dedication to family...although they'll always be a priority, they won't be my only one. I am an artist, I have stuff I want to do for me. And I wasn't happy in my marriage and always dreamed of living alone.

It was tricky to figure out at first because I had one guy I got very emotionally attached to...and I think that when I told him I had love feels for him, he freaked because the assumption was, "OMG SHE'S GONNA TRY AND MOVE INTO MY HOUSE"....um, no. Never. I want long term loving relationships where we never get on the life "escalator" together...we live our own individual lives, we just come together and enjoy time and love together when we can. Some people consider that "casual"...well, to me, it's not.

And I have done some thinking about jealousy, too. I don't get jealous in the way that most people think of it...if my lover has a lover and that meta is good with me, and my needs are being met, I'm good. But if a lover is ghosting, flaking out, no time for me, just doesn't seem to care about me or is pushing me away...I can get jealous of imagined things and persons who may not even exist! In other words, insecurity sucks. If I'm secure, I'm good.

Nice to meet you, too!