Well I am poly....

[Noyse]

So I'm at the impasse of possibly adding another relationship in my life, and I'm not sure what to do.

Currently with my beau, we've been poly from the get go at my insistence. I've never had a romantic relationship mono or otherwise outside of this one. One of my most trusted friends suggested I become cuddle buddies with a mutual friend of ours, and we've been cultivating that relationship. My life has been falling to pieces to the point where I told my beau to run, and I told Potential Cuddle Buddie (PCB) that I wouldn't be able to provide him a relationship I think he deserves*. The beau is standing by me, and to my amazement PCB is willing to meet me wherever I am.

I'm not sure what to do, since I don't have the clearest mind at the moment, but cuddles would be nice....

*I'm actively working on getting professional help for my problems.

 

[River]

.... One of my most trusted friends suggested I become cuddle buddies with a mutual friend of ours, and we've been cultivating that relationship. .... My life has been falling to pieces to the point where I told my beau to run, and I told Potential Cuddle Buddie (PCB) that I wouldn't be able to provide him a relationship I think he deserves*. The beau is standing by me, and to my amazement PCB is willing to meet me wherever I am.

Why, if you've been "cultivating that relationship" is PCB described as a "potential" cuddle buddy? What exactly do you mean by "cuddle buddy"? (I have purely platonic cuddle buddies.)

What sort of relationship do you think PCB "deserves" which you cannot offer?

Seems like we all have to guess a lot at what the challenges are here.

 

[Noyse]

Why, if you've been "cultivating that relationship" is PCB described as a "potential" cuddle buddy? What exactly do you mean by "cuddle buddy"?

We've only been talking up to this point. I'm asexual so this is a relationship worth titling from my point of view.

What sort of relationship do you think PCB "deserves" which you cannot offer?

idk, that's the mental illness talking really.

Seems like we all have to guess a lot at what the challenges are here.

Sorry, I guess what I'm trying to say do you start a relationship with someone when you aren't your best, but the other person doesn't care?

 

[Leetah]

I am sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. I'm glad you have professional help and the support of friends. Generally speaking, with no knowledge of your situation, I would say, accept the willingness of those around you to stay around you. If you are honest with them as to what is going on with you then they are allowed that choice and you should not take it out of their hands.

Leetah

 

[River]

Sorry, I guess what I'm trying to say do you start a relationship with someone when you aren't your best, but the other person doesn't care?

Who among us are "our best"?

If cuddling is the next step--or final step--I'll recommend that you risk it. Cuddling with a good friend can be WONDERFUL and need not lead to anything more. It's also very healing, generally. You could start out by holding hands, then progress at whatever pace works for you. Or, if hand-holding seems a bit much, explore whatever feels most safe to begin with. And just relax and enjoy without any feeling of pressure to do anything else. That's my suggestion.

It's nice to have warmth with others. And each of us has our own pace, so respect your own pace. Be gentle and kind with yourself. And stop worrying that you're "not your best".

 

[Tinwen]

So, the problem is, that you are feeling terrible regardless your relationships, and while you would like to have a partner+cuddly friend and everybody is fine with it, you are afraid that because you feel terrible you won't make a good partner? (+perhaps struggling with mono mindset, that if you already have a partner you cannot offer "enough" to your friend regarding entanglement?)
Do I get it right?

Or perhaps, people have told you that it is a great idea to have cuddle buddy, but you are not all that convinced that is what you want?

 

[Noyse]

you are afraid that because you feel terrible you won't make a good partner? Or perhaps, people have told you that it is a great idea to have cuddle buddy, but you are not all that convinced that is what you want?

These hit the nail on the head. I only got with my beau because I was curious about sex and somewhere along the line I realized we get along insanely well. I can see the upside of another oxytocin source, but asking someone to be physical with me (in any format) is really hard, and I'm not sure if it's worth it.

 

[Tinwen]

I can see the upside of another oxytocin source...

Cynical to think about people this way, but I can see what you mean. Cuddles can go a long way in making you feel better. Still, you will have to solve the original problem and learn to cope with emotions in other ways as well.

but asking someone to be physical with me (in any format) is really hard, and I'm not sure if it's worth it.

You already told your potential buddy, so it is not the "asking" part that is scary, is it?
Sounds like you don't really want to for whatever reason I don't understand. I would say don't enter a relationship without an inside longing just because you "relationships are supposed to be benefitial so I should make one".
If, on the contrary you want to be close, but are afraid of the responsibilities to come (or whatever), I would say let the fear go. You can accept the kind offer of your buddy without feeling the pressure to somehow "pay back" to them. Relationships don't have to be 50/50, deffinitelly not at every given moment and if energy and possibilities are imbalanced. People do offer affection and kind help without return expectations, don't be afraid to accept it. You can pass it on later when you feel like it to someone who needs it.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Noyse,

Sorry to hear about your internal difficulties. I think my vote is to accept your PCB's offer for cuddling. Perhaps it would help you feel better?

Sincerely,
Kevin T.