Well, this is frustrating

[GreenAcres]

I have. She is super nice, smart, in shape. I'm sure she has no stretch marks or c-section scars. Home is hard right now with the little guy running me ragged. I'm not super heavy, but I look like I had a baby a year ago and haven't slept since. I keep things as clean as I can, take care of him, the sex isn't bad, but less since I'm so exhausted all the time. I don't think he wants to be here.

I'm going to ask him to wait, but I'm not sure I'll get the answer I need so I've been a bit of a chicken in putting off that conversation.

Other, IMHO more appropriate, suggestion: tell him he needs to start looking after your child more, so you have some time to bathe, eat, sleep, and have a life. Him spending LESS time helping you raise a child and have time for yourself isn't going to help your marriage, or you, as a person. If he can dedicate more time to childcare and helping about the house, only then would it seem he can decide if he has leftover time to date other women. He committed to his child, he needs to own that. Love may not be a finite resource, but time is, and right now it sounds like he doesn't have enough to meet his current commitment to his family, let alone adding someone else.

 

[SchrodingersCat]

I'm on the opposite side of the coin. My partner is the one who wants more relationships and I'm trying to open myself up to it. We have a crazy baby boy who keeps me running and I know I haven't been able to be as attentive to my partner. I'm think that may be why he wants this. I owe it to us both to look into it.

Other, IMHO more appropriate, suggestion: tell him he needs to start looking after your child more, so you have some time to bathe, eat, sleep, and have a life.

Fucking rights, pardon my French.

"We" had a baby. Not "I" had a baby. You're exhausted from doing ALL THE WORK looking after a baby and the housework, and he's complaining because HE'S not getting enough attention... WTF??!?

Buddy needs to learn, you have to give to receive. He wants more sex? Great! I'm sure you would also love to have the energy to have more sex! So how about next time he's feeling horny, he volunteers to spend the entire next day looking after the littl'un, while you go out for a spa day with your BFF. Then you come home, all relaxed, dinner's on the table, chores are done, baby's down for a nap... and hubby, with all his vast energy, can rock your world. Or, more realistically, you'll come home to find him utterly exhausted and disinterested, but maybe with an inking of what you go through every damn day.

Any man who thinks the aftermath of his wife CREATING A LIFE IN HER FRICKIN BODY does anything but improve a woman's beauty, is a complete waste of genetic material.

 

[deponty]

I do agree with Mrs Cat and Mrs Acres. I assumed that Joanne's husband was helping already and that expectations and roles between them were clear. If not, then that's a problem for sure. No one can meet expectations if they don't know what they are.

Joanne, PLEASE do tell your husband what it is you need from him, and make sure he understands. If he's not meeting your needs, adding another woman to the mix is just going to make you feel neglected and/or abandoned and/or resentful. None of that makes for a satisfying family life for any of you. Unless, of course, she's willing to babysit while you and your husband go out every once in a while!

 

[deponty]

Honestly, the more I think about it, that's a key question.

How would you feel about asking this woman to babysit so you and your husband can date from time to time?

How would your husband feel about asking this woman to babysit?

Would this woman be willing to do this kind of thing?

Getting answers to these questions should give you a very good insight into whether or not a poly relationship with this woman will work for you.

 

[GreenAcres]

I do agree with Mrs Cat and Mrs Acres. I assumed that Joanne's husband was helping already and that expectations and roles between them were clear. If not, then that's a problem for sure. No one can meet expectations if they don't know what they are.

Joanne, PLEASE do tell your husband what it is you need from him, and make sure he understands. If he's not meeting your needs, adding another woman to the mix is just going to make you feel neglected and/or abandoned and/or resentful. None of that makes for a satisfying family life for any of you. Unless, of course, she's willing to babysit while you and your husband go out every once in a while!

Just a note: I am not married. So, not Mrs. Ms. works. Or, just GA.

 

[reflections]

Some suggestions:
- Start dating other men. Attractive, young men, or ones who have more money than you're used to.
- Get kinky. Blindfold him, tie him down, and take complete control. Most men have this as a secret fantasy. If you already do this, up the insanity a couple notches and bring in toys. Be sure to turn off the baby monitor first.
- Get a babysitter and take him out. Then while you two are out, start pointing out other women while trying your damnedest to turn him on. Get him to imagine doing sexual things to them while you do public, discreet sexual things to him.

Start upping the insanity, and you might be surprised by how attentive he becomes.

Like recent posters have emphasized, it feels like you are blaming yourself for doing everything at home and taking care of your and his child and having little time to take care of yourself. This is about you taking all the household responsibilities and not getting a break. He doesn't want to be at home? You probably don't want to be at home all the time either! IMHO, this is about him needing to step up and share the stress of raising a kid. I'm guessing you wouldn't mind escaping to a happy, stress free place sometimes too. He should be particularly attentive to your needs during this draining time. What can he do to reduce your stress, not just look for other ways to escape the stress at home?

As for the suggestions about how to change up your sex life, I feel like it further serves to blame you for not having the energy for sex as frequently. Sex shouldn't feel like an obligation to "please your man" (so to speak). I also strongly disagree with the idea of using people as objects (like dating men that might make him feel insecure) as a way to improve your sex life. It just feels really inauthentic to me, like you're manipulating him/them for attention, and that doesn't sit well to me when thinking about the ethical part of polyamory.

Getting a babysitter seems like a great idea for you two to get some quality time together. But there's no need to include this other woman as the babysitter - he and she sound like they're still figuring out their relationship dynamic and I could imagine her (and you) having lots of conflicting emotions about her watching your and his child. You are able to have as little or much contact with her as you'd like, and although I don't have any children, it is still hard for me at times when my metamour takes care of my and Roger's pets!

I do hope you are able to get some breathing room in all this!

 

[Inyourendo]

Honestly, the more I think about it, that's a key question.

How would you feel about asking this woman to babysit so you and your husband can date from time to time?

How would your husband feel about asking this woman to babysit?

Would this woman be willing to do this kind of thing?

Getting answers to these questions should give you a very good insight into whether or not a poly relationship with this woman will work for you.

that just sounds really stupid. I would never expect my metaore to babysit my children it's not their job. its my husband's job to be a damn Parent.

 

[IndieSolo]

How would you feel about asking this woman to babysit so you and your husband can date from time to time?

How would your husband feel about asking this woman to babysit?

Would this woman be willing to do this kind of thing?

Getting answers to these questions should give you a very good insight into whether or not a poly relationship with this woman will work for you.

Worst idea ever! Whether a poly relationship works for Joanne or not should not be dependent upon whether the chick her husband's got a crush on will babysit, jeez. It's about what sort of personal boundaries Joanne has and what she needs from a partnner and husband, and whether her husband will step up and still be able to be an equal partner in the marriage and as a parent, if Joanne consents to a poly arrangement. Seems to me, he isn't living up to his end now, and all the blame is falling on Joanne for being exhausted and basically out of steam. I highly doubt he'll be able to manage multiple relationships very well, if he can't meet his responsibilities now.

And if they need a babysitter, the thing to do is hire one, NOT get a fucking girlfriend.

 

[deponty]

I think the consensus is very clear

The ladies here are certainly more expert than I am on what Joanne should do with her husband. I've been looking around this forum and I must say I'm VERY impressed with how strong, helpful, and smart the members are - particularly the ladies. It's almost certainly better to take their advice than to take mine. I'd like to share one final thought.

I see things from a male perspective, and I do know what my wife's done to bring me around. Confronting me with responsibilities I have and promises I should keep doesn't really have the intended effect. It makes me come up with reasons and excuses to avoid being responsible. Like I said early on, I'm not a very good husband (my wife's opinion on that is VERY different - she thinks I'm amazing).

What DOES work on me is when she does things that make me remember why and how I fell in love with her in the first place, or when she creates some excitement for me. I love that, and I love her for it! Those are the things that make me want to fly to the moon and bring back a piece of it for her, or take her out to eat when she's had a rough day, or get us dance lessons, or tell her to go shopping while I watch the kids, etc.

Joanna has a choice, really. Lay down the law and tell him to shape up (certainly wouldn't work on me) or create an environment he can't resist. The latter choice works better on us Peter Pan types.

 

[IndieSolo]

"Peter Pan type" - jeez, take a look in the mirror next time you are naked. If you see pubic hair, guess what - you're a grown-up (unless you do manscaping. Then in that case, if you shave your balls, you're a grown-up). You have rent to pay, or a mortgage? Go to work and get a paycheck? You're a grown-up. Grown-ups don't have the luxury of sticking themselves in some stupid category just so they can have a convenient excuse to whine that that's just the way they are, and then expect to be catered to. They have to do what grown-ups do.

If a man wants to become a husband and a father, and goes through all the things necessary to reach those goals, he shouldn't need to be coddled and cajoled in order to follow through on the responsibilities such things entail. It takes a hell of a lot more than just earning a paycheck and coming home to sit in front of the TV to be a partner in an adult relationship. Doesn't matter if you feel like you never grew up; doesn't matter if you don't feel like changing your kid's diapers - you just don't drop the ball and blame the fact that you've been irresponsible on some lame idea that your wife isn't making your life appealing enough to do what needs to be done.

In addition, no one has to "lay down the law" in a bitchy way or point fingers to enable a partner to see just how they have not truly been a partner. All it takes is heartfelt discussion about one's frustrations and to say, "I can't do it all, I need your help, and it doesn't seem fair to blame me for not turning you on or not responding whenever you want romance, if my workload is overwhelming and I am just too tired and spent to even take care of myself. If you want me to consider opening up our marriage to a polyamorous arrangement, then I need you to consider how you can help me parent our child, manage this household, and rekindle our romantic relationship if you want to be able to spend time and money on someone else - because I can't keep going like this and we need a solution. Polyamory won't work if you think you can romance another woman at the expense of our son and our marriage."

No laying down the law, just explanation of the facts.

 

[InfinitePossibility]

I see things from a male perspective, and I do know what my wife's done to bring me around.

Just to be clear, you don't see things from a male perspective. You see things from your perspective. Having a penis and a pair of testicles yourself doesn't give you any authority in any discussion on these boards - even if you are discussing other men. People are individuals and just because you share the same sex organs as another person doesn't mean you think like them.

A number of my male friends are now fathers and not a single one of them would consider leaving their partners to do the bulk of the child care while they go out and spend their spare time and money on other things. My friends tend to see child care as a partnership that they both chose to get into. They share the work. They also work to make sure that both of them have time and space to see their own friends and maintain those relationships.

The latter choice works better on us Peter Pan types.

My partner, Art, is considered by many folk as a Peter Pan type. For much of his life, he focused entirely on pleasure - lots of sport, nights out, friends and girlfriends. He has never married, has no children and works part time so he has more free time to follow his interests. In his 40s he does work very hard at the interests he has and is hugely respected by others in his field of work. Still - he keeps lots of fun and pleasure in his life. He makes new friends easily because people just love to be around him.

For all of that, I expect to be able to have a serious discussion with him. If he is doing something that is upsetting me, I expect to be able to talk to him about, to outline what is happening from my perspective, how it's making me feel and how I'd like things to change.

He can listen to me and so far we've always been able to reach agreements that are okay for both of us.

My life does not revolve around having a romantic partner and I have absolutely no wish to spend my spare time and energy thinking of ways to create an environment where my partner cannot resist thinking about me. I have my own stuff going on and I don't expect to have to treat other adult human beings in that way. If they can't treat me well then I'm happy for them to move on and find other folk to hang around with.

If Art wasn't able to have an adult conversation and to deal with the realities of life, he wouldn't be my partner for very long.

IP

 

[bassman]

Hmm, yea that's a super tough situation! I have no idea how most men feel, but I can give you my own perspective.

I definitely had issues when I wasn't getting enough, or when it was more "by the numbers" and boring - it made me feel a lot of emotional distance. My own sexual appetite is huge and my wife hasn't been able to keep up until recently, and even now it's borderline. Other women are certainly interesting from that aspect. But sex just for the physical act isn't generally interesting to me, nor for most men from what I gather. It's much more about the emotional connection. When it's new, it's novel and generally MUCH more exciting because of that new emotional connection. I doubt you can replace that for him if you're drained by a new need machine / child.

I think you're probably in the role of giving your husband a stable home and some level of emotional support, and if I had to guess you need him to show you love and support and that he's excited by you sexually. I'm willing to bet that if you push him out of his comfort zone with you he'll give you more of what you need. It does take a lot of strength of course, and if you are insecure it will be MUCH harder for you. That said, find his comfort zone and SHOVE him outside of that.

Some suggestions:
- Start dating other men. Attractive, young men, or ones who have more money than you're used to.
- Get kinky. Blindfold him, tie him down, and take complete control. Most men have this as a secret fantasy. If you already do this, up the insanity a couple notches and bring in toys. Be sure to turn off the baby monitor first.
- Get a babysitter and take him out. Then while you two are out, start pointing out other women while trying your damnedest to turn him on. Get him to imagine doing sexual things to them while you do public, discreet sexual things to him.

Start upping the insanity, and you might be surprised by how attentive he becomes.

I like this a lot!! From another man, even when you dont have baby. I dont think the intention here was to blame anyone, I think it was meant to make some suggestions that might make a difference to the situation.

Of course, yes, theres stuff that the GUY could be doing too, but we might leave that for the women on here to suggest.

 

[pacificfords]

Some suggestions:
- Start dating other men. Attractive, young men, or ones who have more money than you're used to.
- Get kinky. Blindfold him, tie him down, and take complete control. Most men have this as a secret fantasy. If you already do this, up the insanity a couple notches and bring in toys. Be sure to turn off the baby monitor first.
- Get a babysitter and take him out. Then while you two are out, start pointing out other women while trying your damnedest to turn him on. Get him to imagine doing sexual things to them while you do public, discreet sexual things to him.

Start upping the insanity, and you might be surprised by how attentive he becomes.

create an environment he can't resist

I am still having trouble with all of this. She is exhausted, running after a child, taking care of her house, taking care of her husband and has little time for herself and her needs already. Now she needs to come up with creative ideas to make her husband want to be a part of a situation that he helped her create? That sounds exhausting. Add to that, she has to deal with her husband suddenly telling her that he wants to be involved with another woman, so now on top of all her other stress, she is looking into a different lifestyle all-together? That sounds like an awful lot of pressure to me.

 

[Sentinel]

I have. She is super nice, smart, in shape. I'm sure she has no stretch marks or c-section scars. Home is hard right now with the little guy running me ragged. I'm not super heavy, but I look like I had a baby a year ago and haven't slept since. I keep things as clean as I can, take care of him, the sex isn't bad, but less since I'm so exhausted all the time. I don't think he wants to be here.

I'm going to ask him to wait, but I'm not sure I'll get the answer I need so I've been a bit of a chicken in putting off that conversation.

Joanne

My first child was 4 months old when I fell in love with a woman who wasn't my wife. I never once found my wife unattractive when she was pregnant or when she was breast feeding. She was always a princess in my eyes.

I think that my wife, though, at the time was feeling a loss of capability - no longer slaying dragons at work, rather being the responsive feeder and getting vomited on - and loss of control - over her nights in particular, and ability to sleep. I think that she felt unattractive. And I think that she saw me falling in love with another woman as a rejection of her.

From my perspective, when I fell in love with this other woman it was because of the other woman and my connection with her and (I think!) it had nothing to do with my attraction to my wife. (I never once contemplated leaving her until she gave me an ultimatum, and then made a decision to stay with her). You aren't a worse person because your partner's found another person to love. I suspect you are probably still a princess in your partner's eyes.

What I'm trying to say is, it seems phenomenally hard to deal with your partner being attracted to someone else at the best of times, and this is far from the best of times. But how your partner feels about this new woman probably has nothing to do with how he feels about you.

Either that or he's a slimeball!

 

[deponty]

Just to be clear, you don't see things from a male perspective. You see things from your perspective. Having a penis and a pair of testicles yourself doesn't give you any authority in any discussion on these boards - even if you are discussing other men. People are individuals and just because you share the same sex organs as another person doesn't mean you think like them.

A number of my male friends are now fathers and not a single one of them would consider leaving their partners to do the bulk of the child care while they go out and spend their spare time and money on other things. My friends tend to see child care as a partnership that they both chose to get into. They share the work. They also work to make sure that both of them have time and space to see their own friends and maintain those relationships.



My partner, Art, is considered by many folk as a Peter Pan type. For much of his life, he focused entirely on pleasure - lots of sport, nights out, friends and girlfriends. He has never married, has no children and works part time so he has more free time to follow his interests. In his 40s he does work very hard at the interests he has and is hugely respected by others in his field of work. Still - he keeps lots of fun and pleasure in his life. He makes new friends easily because people just love to be around him.

For all of that, I expect to be able to have a serious discussion with him. If he is doing something that is upsetting me, I expect to be able to talk to him about, to outline what is happening from my perspective, how it's making me feel and how I'd like things to change.

He can listen to me and so far we've always been able to reach agreements that are okay for both of us.

My life does not revolve around having a romantic partner and I have absolutely no wish to spend my spare time and energy thinking of ways to create an environment where my partner cannot resist thinking about me. I have my own stuff going on and I don't expect to have to treat other adult human beings in that way. If they can't treat me well then I'm happy for them to move on and find other folk to hang around with.

If Art wasn't able to have an adult conversation and to deal with the realities of life, he wouldn't be my partner for very long.

IP

Excellent points! My perspective is my own, you're right, and people often tell me it's way out there. In the interest of full disclosure, had I shown up with a new girlfriend when my son was one, Debbie would have left my ass, quickly, walking out the door with David in one arm and a lawyer on the phone. No question. Personally I had no interest in pursuing other women at that point in time, mostly because my new kid was fun and smart and cute and awesome and I really wanted to be heavily involved in his upbringing.

I do agree (and said earlier) that if Joanne and her husband aren't clear on roles, responsibilities, and expectations, that's a serious problem that does need to be addressed with an adult conversation. The sooner the better.

Even still, being a grown up responsible adult? That sounds awful! In my spare time I write unsupervised learning algorithms for trading currency pairs in the FOREX market. I'm like a mad scientist with computer screens all around me, typing furiously. In 2-4 years I should have enough income to where I can go to the job I don't like and tell my team they need a new boss because I'm going to spend my time travelling the world with my people finding a place to build my castle (complete with a dungeon full of mastiffs and a pool in the foyer). Megan (my teen daughter) gets the tallest tower, of course. She really wants her own castle, or at least a wing, but it's an ongoing negotiation. She's real persistent and I'm sure I'll capitulate. David gets his own wing outfitted with a mad scientist lab. I'll add the mad part. He's too ethical and thoughtful to unleash some form of Frankenstein's Monster abomination on the world, but I'm not. I guess we can make a case that I already embody such a monster... hmm, food for thought.

What were we talking about again?

 

[Joanne]

Hmm, yea that's a super tough situation! I have no idea how most men feel, but I can give you my own perspective.

I definitely had issues when I wasn't getting enough, or when it was more "by the numbers" and boring - it made me feel a lot of emotional distance. My own sexual appetite is huge and my wife hasn't been able to keep up until recently, and even now it's borderline. Other women are certainly interesting from that aspect. But sex just for the physical act isn't generally interesting to me, nor for most men from what I gather. It's much more about the emotional connection. When it's new, it's novel and generally MUCH more exciting because of that new emotional connection. I doubt you can replace that for him if you're drained by a new need machine / child.

I think you're probably in the role of giving your husband a stable home and some level of emotional support, and if I had to guess you need him to show you love and support and that he's excited by you sexually. I'm willing to bet that if you push him out of his comfort zone with you he'll give you more of what you need. It does take a lot of strength of course, and if you are insecure it will be MUCH harder for you. That said, find his comfort zone and SHOVE him outside of that.

Some suggestions:
- Start dating other men. Attractive, young men, or ones who have more money than you're used to.
- Get kinky. Blindfold him, tie him down, and take complete control. Most men have this as a secret fantasy. If you already do this, up the insanity a couple notches and bring in toys. Be sure to turn off the baby monitor first.
- Get a babysitter and take him out. Then while you two are out, start pointing out other women while trying your damnedest to turn him on. Get him to imagine doing sexual things to them while you do public, discreet sexual things to him.

Start upping the insanity, and you might be surprised by how attentive he becomes.

So, I think most of the others have championed me, for lack of a better term, and they are pretty spot on. I think they are seeing more of the whole picture from my own introduction thread. I didn't intend to take over yours, but I'm somehow interested in your situation though. My partner actually does seem to be the 'Peter Pan' type, and I think, may have more in common with you than with others here. I have a couple questions for you.

When you weren't 'getting enough,' what were you doing? Did she need something from you that she wasn't getting? Was there some other reason she couldn't give you what you wanted? Is that one of the times you 'fell in love" with one of the other women you mentioned. You said it was wonderful. Was it wonderful for your wife and kids as well? Did the other women know about your wife and kids?

You said there were a couple of times you fell in love. You've been married a long time. (and yes, I'm impressed your wife is still there as well, lol) So I'm curious about the timeline. Do you mind sharing more details of your story? What were the circumstances when you fell in love outside your marriage?

 

[deponty]

Sure Joanne, I'm happy to share, and I hope that it helps you.

There's some context that I haven't shared, of course. Debbie's father died of pancreatic cancer and it hit her hard. She fell into a deep depression and getting through the days and weeks were very difficult. I picked up as much slack as I could, but it was very draining and dragged on for about 3 years. She had several physical symptoms (pain, weakness, lethargy, lots of restless sleep, no sex drive) but she didn't really feel "depressed". When we did have sex it was mechanical and boring, without foreplay, like she was trying to fulfill an obligation to me. Not fun, and not very often. 3 times a month, maybe. I'm more of a twice a day kind of guy. It was frustrating. She went to doctors, but she didn't want to bother them after they found nothing physically wrong. I would push and push and push some more for her to go find some help, but she would be very reluctant, claiming they won't find anything and let's just wait to see if it gets better. It didn't. It just kept getting worse. There was no energy in the house and just walking through the door became draining for me. I figured out after some time that it was VERY similar to the environment in which I grew up. There was no emotional support for me, just a huge drain that took its toll over a long period of time. I really had very little opportunity to recharge since work was a drain, home was a drain, and there was really nothing in between for me to look forward to with any sort of optimism.

When I realized that it was emotionally similar to my childhood, I lost my shit. I have some fairly serious abandonment issues stemming from childhood, and vowed years ago that living in that kind of situation was unacceptable to me. I packed a few things and left on a 2 weeks road trip around the Southeastern US (essentially a tour of Boston, Charleston, Memphis, New Orleans, Miami, Savannah, DC, New York). I didn't know if I was ever going to return. Somewhere in New Orleans I just wanted to cuddle up to Debbie, and decided to go back and make things work.

A few months before I left, I did fall for a young hot super intelligent Indian gal. We talked a few times at work, which was no big deal, but one day she walked past me in the hallway and our eyes locked. I noticed a look in her eyes I'd only ever seen once before and that was in the mirror. At that moment there was a huge jolt of attraction and chemistry that I simply couldn't ignore. I had a huge ethical dilemma about asking her out, but it was WAY too exciting for me to not pursue. I couldn't go near her without getting butterflies and I couldn't talk to her without my voice quavering. I noticed too that she would watch me from afar when she thought I didn't notice, sometimes backing away from a window if I happened to look up from the parking lot. I eventually asked her out, and she was clearly excited by the prospect, but also very conflicted by the fact I'm married. We started dating around that time. She moves around a lot, and decided to get a job in a different state. She encouraged me to move there too, but I wasn't uprooting my family for that. I did fly out to visit though. There's no chance of a poly relationship with her - she requires her partners to be devoted only to her. She draws a line at what she calls emotional infidelity. We're still very good and close friends, but certainly no romantic feelings exist between us any more.

My road trip was VERY hard on Debbie, but it turned out to be the best thing I could do for her. She had no choice but to recover or move back in with her mother a 100 miles or so away. Almost immediately she found some help and some strength she didn't know she had and she got better. We talked a LOT about this, and it's really clear that she hadn't dealt with her father's death and was suppressing her grief. She finally was able to function and recover. Today we're closer than ever, but Debbie REALLY hated the emotional distance that I created by trying to hide my feelings for the Indian girl. I didn't want to hurt Debbie, and I kept the depth of my feelings as secret as I could. I wasn't very successful, and it did end up hurting her a lot more than I wanted. The right thing to do would have been to be upfront and honest right from the start, but I didn't do that.

Today, Debbie would be OK if I had a romantic relationship with the Indian woman as long as it doesn't jeopardize the very close emotional connection she and I share. This is a VERY recent change and really wanted me to promise to be devoted and never look for another relationship outside of ours. My priority now is to overcome my lifelong abandonment issues. I don't have the capability to predict or control how I'm going to feel in the future. Honestly that doesn't matter. I need to focus on me. I did promise that no other relation will cause us emotional distance, and I did promise to be up front and honest about future relationships should they occur. Debbie is QUITE intrigued by the idea of another woman in the bedroom, where one of us is tied down and the other 2 start exploring. She would be a LOT more OK with a poly relationship that was a shared experience for the three of us instead of something that excludes her. We may go there, but certainly not until I resolve my issues more fully.

This isn't the only instance where I developed feelings for another woman outside my marriage, but it is the case where I got the most emotionally invested. It was thrilling and exciting, and a huge contrast to the years of draining I endured when Debbie was depressed. I certainly would have liked to have been more attentive to Debbie's needs when she needed me most, and had it not been so reminiscent of my younger years I would have been.

Questions? Comments?

 

[InfinitePossibility]

Even still, being a grown up responsible adult? That sounds awful! In my spare time I write unsupervised learning algorithms for trading currency pairs in the FOREX market. I'm like a mad scientist with computer screens all around me, typing furiously. In 2-4 years I should have enough income to where I can go to the job I don't like and tell my team they need a new boss because I'm going to spend my time travelling the world with my people

All sounds good.

I'm interested in how this works with being close to people. It sounds to me like you work full time(?) in a job that you don't like. Then in your spare time you work more because you want to eventually be able to give up your current full time job and replace it with what is a hobby right now.

Where do you find the time to spend with your wife and your kids?

You talk about feeling abandoned and needing more people to be close to so that you don't worry so much about the possibility of being abandoned.

This last post kind of reads as if you are doing some abandoning yourself by choosing to pour your limited spare time and energy into doing additional work. Do you think that's a possibility?

 

[Joanne]

Hmm, I'd be very interested in the story from your wife's point of view. I'm glad for both of you that you are working on your own issues and that you are closer now. I just found out that my own partner has been cheating since I was pregnant and I'm done. All that talk about honesty and he was just trying to have me be okay with him cheating.

Go buy your wife some flowers and be the man she deserves.

 

[Joanne]

Oh, and would your wife really be okay with you having a romantic whatever with the Indian gal or is she just trying to give you what you want? Like you would have her permission or whatever, but how much would that hurt her?