We're THIS close to giving up on poly altogether.

HappiestManAlive said:
For some of teh newer members to this site; don't believe for one second that this is a truly open discussion board; disagree with the wrong person in the wrong way and you're gone. Amazingly, I wasn't banned when my temper flared - but any and all trace of what some others said to me was erased.
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No, this isn't a wide open discussion site. We expect posters to discuss in a civilized fashion. Follow the guidelines and all is well; flout them and expect consequences.
 
NYC - thank you for not getting overly upset by my post, in re-reading it there was plenty of room for it. For instance, I wasn't calling you an ass, I was playing up a favorite issue with the word (Assume makes an ass out of u and me). It certainly could have been read that way though.

Regarding me being wrong vis a vis your profession/knowledge of dancers - eh... Okay, you've been one or know the industry somehow? Honestly I have a hard time believing this based on some of your past statements. Then again - I certainly said myself that it varies a lot by many factors, so...

Some of those quotes were taken way out of context, and many of them are part of edited threads and the context no longer exists. Just keep that in mind.

BlackUnicorn - see above. Though you actually stumbled on something that goes to the point raised; that was posted during the aforementioned fiasco in which many members here sided with her and frankly threw me out to pasture - despite her making comments like that!

Derby - thanks.

Autumnal - you left out that merely disagreeing with the wrong person, or posting an unpopular POV when the wrong people takes notice, and many, many other things can get you "consequences" as well. Also, you should point out that many members are essentially immune to said consequences no matter how far over any line they step - because..? Well, we don't really know, now do we?

It's no secret that I'm open about the blatant favoritism and hypocrisy among members, mods, admins, whatever here. It's sad and frankly way out of line with what this site is supposed to be about. Being one who has - on more than one occasion - come here for the support this community is supposed to be all about and which I have always tried to offer and been shit on for it, often in ways which really should have resulted in "consequences" for others and did NOT, my points are not always appreciated.

In any event, people will think, say, and believe what they will, and so be it. I logged in for once instead of lurking to vent about something, in no small part due to the fact that the relationship that everyone said to focus on, with the 3rd we followed all the rules with, went the same way as the others. Of course it's not "poly's" fault - any more than mono failures are "marriages" fault. But people here like to wax very "you're doing it wrong" sometimes, and I'm tired of seeing things fall apart regardless of the approach.

Bleh - I'm rambling now. [/post]
 
Our poly life seems to be working out... we took the time we needed to figure out all the little kinks and work out the creases too. Moving too fast into poly dynamics doesn't seem to work.

I'm sorry that things have ended badly for you. Maybe your ex didn't feel like she could be herself any more or was feeling uncomfortable and too vulnerable to open up and talk about her needs. Maybe the environment became toxic for her and she was just looking for a way out so made some poor choices in her journey to get out of your house. Maybe she was really hurting and didn't feel safe to express that or be cared for with the two of you. It sounded like she was done long before she cheated and didn't know how to get out of the situation she was in. Maybe she was traumatized by the ending of your other relationship and was immobilized by that and didn't tell you because it was the two of you that caused that trauma.

What do you gain from bashing the mods here for shit that is now ancient history? I don't get it? Not all the mods that were around back then are even here any more. Have you been keeping up here? Do you read anything but your own threads? Have you given back to this forum as others have in any positive way? I don't get why you keep coming here... your remarks are completely bizarre to me.
 
HappiestManAlive said:
It's no secret that I'm open about the blatant favoritism and hypocrisy among members, mods, admins, whatever here. It's sad and frankly way out of line with what this site is supposed to be about. Being one who has - on more than one occasion - come here for the support this community is supposed to be all about and which I have always tried to offer and been shit on for it, often in ways which really should have resulted in "consequences" for others and did NOT, my points are not always appreciated. [/post]
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You are still here aren't you? Besides, what do you know of what goes on behind the scenes? You seem to of made a decision about what goes on here. Have you thought of what you have contributed here? I haven't seen much positive feed back. I have noticed that your presence here usually ends in letting everyone know just how you have been wronged. Is that really productive in some way? It keeps your threads from being supportive to you no? You realize that you bring that on yourself right? This forum is built on volunteers giving their time and energy to support people. You have been here long enough that I think its time to give back don't you? You are part of the community too no? I'd like to see some of your hard earned wisdom used to help others rather than directing them out of here based on a moment in history.
 
We've come to similar conclusions re her wanting out, etc - what we don't get is the literally dozens of times we've tried to ask her just that, very directly. The dozens of times we've offered MANY things, many kinds of support, many options, and stated that we'll love her and work with her regardless if only she would tell us what she needed or even wanted! Whatever - under the damn bridge now.

I"m especially bitter because I've stayed in touch with Adrianne, seen the pain all this caused her, seen the crap relationship she got herself stuck in as a result (JUST got out of literally days ago). I have always missed her, but this just really rubbed that particular topic in my face rahter brutally - and it's WAY too late to ever hope Adrianne & I could even reconnect, even WITH Violet's blessing. I fell like I trashed all that for somebody who pissed on it in return.

I'm friends with many members here elsewhere as well. FB, Fet, and more. I lurk often, I read, I pay attention. I very seldom bother to post anymore. So much on this site is more of the same. Same relationship drama with different names, same "poly" and "mono" questions and variations of those questions with different stories leading to the same damned point. It hardly seems worth posting anymore except for the personal support for any who need it - which is where it gets touchy.

What am I going to say support-wise that isn't said over and over? Or why would I show support to someone whom others here clearly DON'T support and risk the wrath of THEY - and it DOES happen. My posts often enflame topics, though it's seldom or never intended too, so why bother?

I try to contribute. I contributed a lot in the past. Almost always positive. Didn't count for muc when the chips were down, did it? You were there.

And when some I know from here get "consequenced" and/or banned for... Well, for less than I see other members do REGULARLY..? It can't very well be denied that this has happened, and more than once.

All animals are equal, but some are more equal than others.

I know how forums work and are run. I am a member on MANY, a mod on several, and even OWNED a few.
 
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HappiestManAlive said:
I know how forums work and are run. I am a member on MANY, a mod on several, and even OWNED a few.
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Well then, I guess I don't have to tell you how the story goes behind the scenes when people raise hell on a forum. Especially one that has just started out with mods that are new and newbies to moderation. I think we at this forum are beyond that now. :)
 
HappiestManAlive said:
Autumnal - you left out that merely disagreeing with the wrong person, or posting an unpopular POV when the wrong people takes notice, and many, many other things can get you "consequences" as well. Also, you should point out that many members are essentially immune to said consequences no matter how far over any line they step - because..? Well, we don't really know, now do we?

It's no secret that I'm open about the blatant favoritism and hypocrisy among members, mods, admins, whatever here. It's sad and frankly way out of line with what this site is supposed to be about. Being one who has - on more than one occasion - come here for the support this community is supposed to be all about and which I have always tried to offer and been shit on for it, often in ways which really should have resulted in "consequences" for others and did NOT, my points are not always appreciated.

But people here like to wax very "you're doing it wrong" sometimes, and I'm tired of seeing things fall apart regardless of the approach.

[/post]
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I`ll call that a crock-o-shit right there. Sounds like you are feeling sorry for yourself. Or, looking for a easy explanation, while you lick your wounds.

I`m not freaking popular around here AT ALL. I`m not all chummy behind the scenes with the mods. I`ve disagreed with the mods more then a few times. I say blunt things, I don`t agree with half of what I hear, nor am I all poly, with my pom-poms out. I question things, and can be quite pessimistic on this site.

Yet, I have never been 'censored' for merely having a different opinion. I`ve not had posts removed wrongly, or seen posts removed wrongly. Do they defend poly at all costs ? Yeah, sure. Duh. You are on a poly-specific forum, that`s going to happen. People disagree with me, and say so, and that's about it. So what`s the conspiracy theory now ? They use me as an example to look good ? Doubtful, mods are here, but this board isn`t their 'life and passion' that I`ve ever noticed.

Then again, I don`t sit here blabbing about how the world has wronged me, and refusing to take any responsibility. Then, when someone calls me on it, I don`t then try and ad-lib with : ' Well I haven`t told you all the facts, and there are things you didn`t know.'
Want to know a GOOD way to have people question your judgement, and ability to communicate the truth ? It is not by dating strippers, or living with 3 young women. It`s by pulling that kind of shit where you tell lop-sided stories, accuse the other parties involved, (who aren`t here to defend themselves.) thereby putting the audience that reads the story, in a position of being the devil`s advocate.
Then, blaming the audience for their interpretation, and adding bits and pieces of information, trying to prove them wrong.
Its that kind of b.s. that has you losing respect.
If you want the type of quiet support that only agrees with you, buy a dog.

Otherwise, learn to understand, that by responding to you with ideas, thoughts, and suggestions, people are taking the time because they do want to help you see things.They are trying to help you figure out where it went wrong.

See things,..not from your own point of view, but from how it looks on the outside. How it looks to others. You could be having all these problems, merely from the fact that outside influence changes how these women feel.

Also,..have you forgotten the common denominator rule ? If everyone keeps leaving you, and everyone does it in a sneaky/underhanded/bitchy fashion, then you are the common denominator. Don`t ask this forum, to play dumb, and overlook that with their responses.

I don`t expect you to enjoy my post, or think on it. I have a good feeling, you have been who you are for a long time, and it isn`t about to change. This post is for any future readers, who might be willing to learn.
 
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SourGirl said:
Yet, I have never been 'censored' for merely having a different opinion. I`ve not had posts removed wrongly, or seen posts removed wrongly. Do they defend poly at all costs ? Yeah, sure. Duh. You are on a poly-specific forum, that`s going to happen. People disagree with me, and say so, and that's about it. So what`s the conspiracy theory now ? They use me as an example to look good ? Doubtful, mods are here, but this board isn`t their 'life and passion' that I`ve ever noticed.
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Disagreement is fine. Speaking directly to an issue is fine. Nobody is required to be warm and fuzzy; as long as comments are directed properly to statements and behaviors and don't appear to be made just to troll, we're fine with them.
 
SourGirl said:
I`ll call that a crock-o-shit right there. Sounds like you are feeling sorry for yourself. Or, looking for a easy explanation, while you lick your wounds.

I`m not freaking popular around here AT ALL. I`m not all chummy behind the scenes with the mods. I`ve disagreed with the mods more then a few times. I say blunt things, I don`t agree with half of what I hear, nor am I all poly, with my pom-poms out. I question things, and can be quite pessimistic on this site.

Yet, I have never been 'censored' for merely having a different opinion. I`ve not had posts removed wrongly, or seen posts removed wrongly. Do they defend poly at all costs ? Yeah, sure. Duh. You are on a poly-specific forum, that`s going to happen. People disagree with me, and say so, and that's about it. So what`s the conspiracy theory now ? They use me as an example to look good ? Doubtful, mods are here, but this board isn`t their 'life and passion' that I`ve ever noticed.

Then again, I don`t sit here blabbing about how the world has wronged me, and refusing to take any responsibility. Then, when someone calls me on it, I don`t then try and ad-lib with : ' Well I haven`t told you all the facts, and there are things you didn`t know.'
Want to know a GOOD way to have people question your judgement, and ability to communicate the truth ? It is not by dating strippers, or living with 3 young women. It`s by pulling that kind of shit where you tell lop-sided stories, accuse the other parties involved, (who aren`t here to defend themselves.) thereby putting the audience that reads the story, in a position of being the devil`s advocate.
Then, blaming the audience for their interpretation, and adding bits and pieces of information, trying to prove them wrong.
Its that kind of b.s. that has you losing respect.
If you want the type of quiet support that only agrees with you, buy a dog.

Otherwise, learn to understand, that by responding to you with ideas, thoughts, and suggestions, people are taking the time because they do want to help you see things.They are trying to help you figure out where it went wrong.

See things,..not from your own point of view, but from how it looks on the outside. How it looks to others. You could be having all these problems, merely from the fact that outside influence changes how these women feel.

Also,..have you forgotten the common denominator rule ? If everyone keeps leaving you, and everyone does it in a sneaky/underhanded/bitchy fashion, then you are the common denominator. Don`t ask this forum, to play dumb, and overlook that with their responses.

I don`t expect you to enjoy my post, or think on it. I have a good feeling, you have been who you are for a long time, and it isn`t about to change. This post is for any future readers, who might be willing to learn.
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L'dMAO at damn near all of this; 'nuf said.

I will comment on the last bit though. I have been who I am for a relatively short period of time. I spent a LOT of time becoming who I am, and paying attention to being the kind of person I want to be. For you to ASS U ME that you know ANYTHING AT ALL about me from a few posts here spanning a very narrow subject and barely skimming the surface of said subject much less... Well, ANYTHING, really... Is... Well, too damned funny to actually even be offensive, LOL.
 
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HappiestManAlive said:
Some of those quotes were taken way out of context, and many of them are part of edited threads and the context no longer exists. Just keep that in mind.
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HappiestManAlive said:
For you to ASS U ME that you know ANYTHING AT ALL about me from a few posts here spanning a very narrow subject and barely skimming the surface of said subject much less... Well, ANYTHING, really... Is... Well, too damned funny to actually even be offensive, LOL.
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Oh geez, this is so tiresome. Do you think you're the only enlightened one here who knows that a few messages on a forum do not detail or describe the entirety of a person's life? Anyone here is only responding to what anyone else here posts. We can read attitudes and a certain "flavor" in posts over time but I don't think anyone here is too dumb to realize that information shared is in context to other things in a person's life and that we are only getting a sliver. Fuck, who's on his high horse now? I am officially bored.
 
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HappiestManAlive said:
L'dMAO at damn near all of this; 'nuf said.

I will comment on the last bit though. I have been who I am for a relatively short period of time. I spent a LOT of time becoming who I am, and paying attention to being the kind of person I want to be. For you to ASS U ME that you know ANYTHING AT ALL about me from a few posts here spanning a very narrow subject and barely skimming the surface of said subject much less... Well, ANYTHING, really... Is... Well, too damned funny to actually even be offensive, LOL.
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I stand by my earlier simple post...you the OP come in here railing against "poly" as the reason for all your troubles with no discussion of your part in any of it. I'm with nycindie in that there is a definite flavor, feeling, direction people convey no matter the medium of communication.

To me your post coveys hurt/anger and it has the flavor of/feels like you came in here looking for something more than solace, maybe someone to take your side in an offline argument ? Who knows but no matter how long you have been "becoming" who you are those seem to be the thoughts, feelings, flavor you communicated and most of the responses here reflect that.

I don't agree with nycindie that it's boring, in this I side with you...it's laughable!
 
HappiestManAlive said:
L'dMAO at damn near all of this; 'nuf said.
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SG writes a long, thoughtful (if blunt) post in which she suggests that maybe you're not listening to people... and this is how you respond? Way to 1,000% validate her points.

Of everything in my two unresponded-to posts in this thread, this remains what I'm most curious about -- "Why the heck would you come here just to tell us that our lives are impossible? What purpose does that serve?"
 
NYC - if everyone gets this so clearly, why are so many comments made that show otherwise?

@ all the other replies - I didn't come here to rail against poly; in fact, I was here and all for it before most of you were. I posted a thread in which I said that after the latest failure, the one that failed despite having all the right ingredients, I am disillusioned on the subject of poly. Everything else came after.

The subject of my issues with many of the people here - response to other posts. My feeling the need to defend things - responses to other posts. And so on.

Frankly, this tangent illustrates my complaints; some key people don't like what I have to say, therefor it's okay to say anything. Point in case - someone made a comment regarding the "common denominator" factor. If said person did ANY research - or, you know, asked a few questions - they would have known that each of the 3 failed poly relationships mentioned here ended with me/us breaking it off, not them leaving. Many of the others posting know this..?

If you find this thread boring or don't like it, go the fuck away. Post elsewhere. Don't reply. Stop reading it. Easy enough. Leave room for those who actually have something to say.

Ray - self fulfilling prophecy? Explain. A dedication to the concept and values of a poly relationship becomes a self fulfilling prophecy for the failure of said relationships? Or are you just jumping on the bandwagon because you don't like the tone of my posts, either?
 
I don't think that the fact that SG may have been mistaken about who left who invalidates her point. The relationships did, in fact, fail. You were, in fact, the common denominator in all three. The fact that you ended them doesn't mean the fact that they needed ending didn't have something to do with you. SG was inviting you to consider this fact and do some soul searching. If the only response you have to that is laughter... well...good luck with that.
 
I'm brand new. I don't know anyone, and they don't know me, so please realize I come to this with no knowledge of previous threads or who the "key people" are you're referring to.

In your SECOND post in the thread, you said (emphasis mine):
I believe in poly - academically. Poly is real and good, but people can't really do it no matter what they say. Social conditioning or whatever - everyone we know that is in poly has had horrible experience after horrible experience when all is said and done. We'll still play with others sexually I'm sure - we're both wired that way for sure, and THOSE relationships have never burned us. But this devotion to multiple partners does not work.

People hide things, even from themselves, build resentment, feel bad, etc. And when they know it's all about communication and think they're feelings aren't valid - they bury them and it gets worse. We've seen it 3 times now 1st hand and dozens of times with others we know.

It makes for good books, and bad relationships.
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And then in your most recent post you said:
I posted a thread in which I said that after the latest failure, the one that failed despite having all the right ingredients, I am disillusioned on the subject of poly.
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You've twisted what you said in your own mind to fit what you MEANT to say, maybe, or to avoid looking like the bad guy. If this thread is at all indicative of how you communicate, you did NOT have all the right ingredients and I'm not at all surprised people lied to you and things blew up. As evidenced over and over again in this thread, no one seems to make any headway with you using the truth.
 
HappiestManAlive said:
L'dMAO at damn near all of this; 'nuf said.

I will comment on the last bit though. I have been who I am for a relatively short period of time. I spent a LOT of time becoming who I am, and paying attention to being the kind of person I want to be. For you to ASS U ME that you know ANYTHING AT ALL about me from a few posts here spanning a very narrow subject and barely skimming the surface of said subject much less... Well, ANYTHING, really... Is... Well, too damned funny to actually even be offensive, LOL.
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Oh goody. You are at stage #3 of your typical rant. The 'You Don`t Know Me' stage.
Everything I say, has been based on your own words. Hence my ability to quote you.
I`ve been on this board 2 years, posting. A bit longer as a lurker. Sorry, my name has changed. Maybe that confused you.
I`ve seen the typical cycle of your actions.
All is perfect in Club HMA, and then it`s the girl who is always underhanded, cheating, lying, wrong, and regardless of the semantics of who actually ends it, ( yes, sometimes you see it coming, and dump them first. ;) )
Being the common denominator, is something good people tend to have a gut-check about, before they carry on. It is good policy, to take a step back, and see our own parts in problems. Not in a martyr type of way though.
So if you want to blame me for being so poorly educated in your online life, lets first evaluate what I see.

- You come here with a story of how rocking your life is, how wonderful someone is. You blab about how much better they were then the 'last one'. Then shit happens. You then call the new ex a bitch, and want everyone here to smooth your ruffled feathers.

- When people see holes in your story,and play devil`s advocate, you then turn around and ad-lib.
- Then the 'You People Don`t Know Me' talk starts.
- Then you blame the board and mods.
- Then you leave all pissy.
- Rinse, wash, repeat.

Change involves more then your underwear. If you`ve changed so much, prove it. Your own words, involving your own actions, prove that you keep hitting the same brick walls. This isn`t a question of hearsay, or filling in the blanks as we go along. This is YOU, and YOUR words HMA. Your disbelief at being judged over your own words, when you have tried so hard to carefully craft empathy is what seemingly burns your ass.

Which is why I encouraged you to actually listen to the people going out of their way, to give you advice. Get out of your own head, and see how things look from the outside, to others. How things may of looked to your ex-partners, or people close to them.
Maybe THEN you might find some way of handling things, so history doesn`t bite you in the ass yet again.

In real life, you may be a awesomely giving man, who was taken advantage of. People would never know though. Your own words, and recanting of situations, currently puts you in the position of looking like the poster child for the wrong type of poly-guy to get involved with.

Edit to add : This thread probably wont go on to be 'helpful' anymore. I`m not interested in it sinking lower and lower.
So as they would say on Dragons Den : ' Due to the ridiculous evaluations,..'I`m out.'

Good luck HMA, I hope you prove me wrong in the future.
 
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