What a mess

O

OhJoyItsJulie

New member
Hey guys. I'm mainly looking for a place to vent among people who I'm hoping might have some insight. I'm beyond lost at this point. You can view my original post here for some back story: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?p=308202#post308202

My husband has been flip-flopping between being OK with poly and not being OK with it. After my most recent "date" with the guy I've been seeing, my husband completely lost it. He threatened suicide to the point where I called the police and he's now on involuntary hold while we try to get him some help. This happened Tuesday, but even before then, he didn't want to continue being poly. I pushed it.

My dilemma is that the only thing he seems to care about is if I will call it quits with poly. He doesn't care that he opened these doors. He doesn't care that I've found a bit of happiness I was missing. He just keeps telling me that he can't handle the thought of me being with the other guy. I've been dating him since around July and I really enjoy our time together. I do love my husband and part of me wants to try to reconcile, but I don't want to give up the other guy. I don't think I should have to stop being happy for someone else. I'm also not sure I'm still in love with my husband. Things had been rocky before our open relationship status, but took a very fast downward spiral once we started. Also the sex with the other guy is fantastic, and I know that is one thing my husband could never give me (he is not into BDSM AT ALL).

I feel trapped and guilty. I offered my husband to see a counselor, but I would still see the other guy until maybe he and I could reconcile, but he wouldn't agree. He just kept reminding me that his cry for help was brought on by me seeing the other guy and that he can't have me seeing he other guy still. I feel so pathetic, because I'd risk losing my husband who I've known for 6 years over seeing this other guy I've only known 6 months.

I don't know what to do and it's ripping me apart. Sorry if I'm all over the place with my thoughts.
 
If your husband is threatening suicide and trying to control your actions by harming himself, then you have much bigger issues than him not being OK with polyamory. He should seek help immediately, no question. And you're correct - you shouldn't have to sacrifice your happiness. If this had been something you sprung on him after you were married, that'd be a bit different, but it sounds like something he started, and both of you agreed to together. This kind of extreme flip-flopping can sometimes indicate bi polar manic depression. A doctor can help with medication and therapy can also help. I'm definitely no expert, but it seems that a polyamorous relationship would require a lot of emotional stability and confidence in all parties involved. You're not going to get this with your husband. I can also understand you not being sure of your feelings for him at this point. He should never have put you in that position by threatening suicide. It's difficult to feel secure tying yourself emotionally to someone that is that erratic and self-destructive.

Do what you need to do for yourself. It's important to love and care for your partner, but you are not personally responsible for his life and happiness. That's his burden to shoulder. I hope things have calmed down for you.
 
I am so sorry you deal in this. :(

I think you did the right thing for him -- get husband to hospital for an evaluation. If he has a mental illness that leads him to suicide that is the best place for him right now.

Stop talking to him right now about the state of the marriage and how poly does or does not fit.

I think you also need to do the right thing for YOU and now that immediate crisis is past, do your OWN self care first. Seek a counselor and talk this out with them.

Keep in mind that you did not cause his mental illness.

Keep in mind that you cannot cure it. He needs pros. If he doesn't want to work with them to get well, that is NOT your doing. And you are within your rights to leave if he's going to continue all wonky.

Keep in mind that you did not take action to kill him. He took action to kill him. Do not listen if he tries to blame shift it on to you. If he is currently messed up in the head anything he says right now is garbage. Don't take it personally and don't take blame or responsibility for his suicide gesture. He sounding like he's being all "You made me do it because you won't do what I want!"

If you truly had the "power" to make him do things? I am pretty sure you would make him stop behaving this way! Don't try to make him see logic when he's all emotionally disregulated and not making a lick of sense. Talk to counselor instead so you get your own bearings.

Don't confuse "regret and sorrow" feelings with "guilt." There's a thing called "suicide survivor guilt" and while he was not successful, I think that's something to talk to your counselor about if you are experiencing some of that. That's not the same as actual guilt. You might also be in shock right now from all this turmoil.

This suicide gesture does not change these things:

  • You sound like you are falling out of love with your husband. What does he bring you? Needs long not met, covert agenda, lies, and grief.
  • You prefer being with the other guy because that brings you joy and happiness.

Suicide threats or attempts are sometimes used as emotional blackmail to get the other person to do what you want. Is that what he is doing? Acting out big time so you dump the other dude like he wants? Close your side so it is only Open for him?

I think you could benefit from professional help to sort all this out. It is bigger than internet boards. Whether he is mentally ill or manipulative or both... the bottom line is that you don't sound like you love him any more and were in the midst of coming to terms with that and trying to decide what to do about it before HE put this new thing on top that has derailed you. Maybe that was the goal. To derail you from thoughts of leaving him.

See a counselor to help you. You do NOT have to sacrifice your own happiness to keep him propped up.

You do not have stay in a marriage you find draining if you do not want to be here any more. You are not obligated to be his post-suicide caretaker just because you guys are currently married.

It's weird sounding here so better to be careful. Talk with your counselor if you might need a domestic violence safety plan in your situation. He has tried attacking himself. I hope he doesn't try to attack you next. Like "If I cannot have her, nobody can!" That can happen and it is scary. If he's hell bent on going down with the ship, he doesn't have to take you with him. It is not fun to think about, but talk to your counselor how to assess risks.

If you are all over the place with your thoughts? That is understandable in the circumstances.

I think the best way to gain clear thinking again is to seek a counselor trained in these things and talk with them about how to proceed through each stage. Not Internet boards. We can all guess things and wonder things... but I think you need professional advice and assessments so you can make the best plan for your own continued well being.

  • So you can be safe and sound in the short term while navigating this hospital stay.
  • So you can be safe and sound in the middle term when he is out of hospital and back home (maybe you don't want to be there?)
  • So you can be safe and sound in the long term when you are ready to consider whether or not you are done in this marriage.

Take it in stages if it is too overwhelming all at once.

I am truly sorry you have to deal in all this. Hang in there.

Galagirl
 
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he pushed to open the relationship so he can have sex with others assuming that you would not be successful. you met someone then he wanted to put a stop to it. now he's using underhanded tactics like suicide threats as a way to get you to comply. I think his behavior warrants a split, he's desperate and I agree with GG that it can be you next that he goes after. I suggest leaving and filing a restraining order if he begins threatening you. counseling for yourself is also highly recommended.
 
Hi OhJoyItsJulie,

I remember your other thread. Your husband didn't treat you right. Now he is escalating. If I were you I'd start to worry about my physical safety.

He should certainly start seeing a counselor, but even if he refuses, you go ahead and see a counselor yourself. A poly-friendly counselor. You're not nuts, but you're in the midst of an insane situation. A professional's brain needs to be picked.

You shouldn't have to dump your other guy, but more importantly, you shouldn't have to give up your interest in being poly. For crying out loud, it was his idea in the first place.

You're a patient soul. I don't think I could stay married with him through all of this ... just sayin'.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Well done for calling the police and getting him help. It's easy to see how unacceptable the behaviour is if someone threatens to harm another person if you don't do what they want, but often much harder to see as manipulation when they threaten to harm themselves. "I'll kill myself" as a threat seems to be more socially acceptable than "I'll kill my neighbour", but really they're pretty much the same - an attempt by one person to hang a life on the line and make it the second person's fault when the line breaks. In the latter case it's just more obvious that it's not the second person's fault at all.
 
I'm sorry to see that things have gone this way for you Julie. It sounds like your husband is either having legitimate mental health issues right now, or he is being emotionally manipulative, but in either case you should be looking into a safety plan immediately. Please remember that his mental illness is not your fault, and that it is 100% okay to act in your own best interests in this situation. You said you're feeling guilty. Part of your brain may try to tell you that you are a selfish and horrible person for abandoning your husband while he's having serious mental health issues. That part of your brain is wrong. I've been there and I can say this with complete confidence. It doesn't matter who did what, and it doesn't matter who is right, it doesn't even matter whether you decide to stay with your husband. The only thing that matters is that you are safe.

And please please please get actual professional help.
 
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