What about the partner who didn't dump you?

[dingedheart]

I feel I need to clarify that I am in an 18 year lasting relationship.

Yes, I knew that. However, if you’re not aware of this from your own self discovery on poly, that old marriage/relationship is dead and/or gone and something new is being built in its place. There is a transition phase and you’re in it.

I practice active compassion in any hard conversations and do not resort to anything that involves attacking partners.

Very good practice, and if that’s what you meant and to the extent of compassion, no need to dial it back.

I came here mostly to talk and maybe get some ideas for solution. I am not here to form a cabal against my wife, who for 99 percent of our relationship has been great. So please refrain from personal attacks against my wife.

I was trying to give you some ideas and solutions. IMO, your supportive nature and what you’re willing to do for her makes HER poly adventure and exploration POSSIBLE. I think those who drop such bomb in a 15-20 yr marriage should shoulder carrying their own luggage, AND help with carrying some of yours.

I'm not even sure what in my post you consider a personal attack on your wife. Please quote that so I may learn.

I do not feel I am always getting fucked over.

It seemed like you listed several situations and timeline in which your wife had checked out or dropped the ball in your relationship (at least in your opinion) ((point of the thread )). I never said always. Many yrs back, when I first came to the forum, a guy helping me navigate said people don’t get some of this stuff until they actually feel it. ALL choices have consequences. Has she felt any negative consequences from you or "your side“ of the relationship? IF SHE GOT caught in NRE, and then sudden grief, you could have conceivably been hit with some negative experiences. If there is no push-back or blunt conversation, how this transition is working or NOT working, your wife might be able to see the forest thru the trees, unaware of the pain you feel.

It's just this recent issue where I feel we need to do some work because this can't be the norm when other relationships turn sour. Breakups are not an excuse to neglected each other, even if unintentionally. I know that it is unintentional but it's happening

IMO, after 18 yrs don’t think is any excuse to neglect your spouse. I think any kind of neglect or taking someone for granted is the beginning of the death spiral.

 

[pwr2theladies]

17 years, 18 years. Same thing.

No one is attacking your partner(s).

No one is forming a "cabal" against your wife. It's just that you're here asking about a problem you're having, and your problem is with your wife. If she were here asking about the same thing, we'd be saying all these things to her. That's the problem when you ask for advice from anonymous strangers on the internet who aren't personally invested in your situation or its outcome. People tell you things you might not want to hear.

Why is it your mother's job to find a babysitter for you? I must have missed something earlier.

I mean my wife didn't communicate very well to her mom whom she asked to watch our daughter while she visited a friend for breakup support.

I'm not actually accusing anyone of attacks. I am asking them not to. I am here to talk as I have done so for others in the community and maybe some helpful tips for navigating the issue.

I will take what I think I can use and leave the rest.

Thanks for asking for the clarification. Some people turn these posts into some type of talk show drama. But I guess that's the nature of the internet.

 

[MeeraReed]

I think you need to sit down with your wife and tell her that you feel neglected.

You have been going out of your way to be her emotional and logistical (extra childcare/house chores) support as she deals with her dating woes. But you feel she is taking you for granted by not appreciating your supportive gestures (like flowers) and then botching the childcare situation on your own night out with friends.

Tell her you would like to celebrate earning your certificate. Ask her if she can plan a special date for the two of you to do that. Sometimes you just need to ask for what you want.

You can mention that you are hurt that your wife didn't think of celebrating your certificate herself, that you felt your accomplishment was a big deal and that she doesn't seem to realize how special it is for you.

She may simply need a talk like this to remind her that she needs to maintain a relationship with you even while exploring her bi and poly side.

 

[Bobbi]

It's really just been this past month with these two crash and burns with this other woman.

Two crash and burns in a month...let her grieve. I know it's hard, on both sides. She is grieving and depressed. Although she knows your win was big and probably wants to want to celebrate it with you, she really doesn't. Depression makes it so you just cannot feel other feelings, especially when it comes to other people. You might be able to get them to laugh, but you won't be able to get them to be happy for you, show love for you, or show up for you. It has only been a month, which seems like eternity to you, but feels fresh to her.

I have a theory that grief lasts longer in people who think (or believe) about the good times and how that will never happen again. They replay the traumas of the relationship over and over in their minds, which makes feelings not go away. After all, feelings are a direct response to your own thoughts or beliefs. If she thought (and believed) that this person wasn't good enough for her, or she deserved a lot better and she will find someone amazing, chances are she would recover more quickly. Unfortunately, your pressure to get back to normal and eventually your lack of support because you think it's taking too long and feel neglected, will end up just pushing her away more. She needs a good therapist and you cannot be that for her.