What about the partner who didn't dump you?

P

pwr2theladies

Member
Hey y'all, this post is a bit of a continuation of the one I had started found here

Thanks for all the advice for that. It helped.

A lot of post I see are about a partner helping their partner though a breakup. I understand why we see a lot of these. I never see any about the partner who didn't dump you getting sidelined maybe a little too much by varying opinions.

All right. I will cut to the chase. Since we opened up, I have been there for many tears sessions for wife. The first person she was in love with felt the same way, but didn't want to risk the friendship. Frequent support while that was going down.

Finally though, it happened. My wife met a woman and they hit it off fast. She got attached. First real date, wife gets stood up, then they repaired that and gave it another chance. They were intimate. This was the first time outside our relationship. Then, bam, the woman ghosts my wife.

Whenever this happens there are weeks of me having to be being supportive. So many tears. I take of more around the house, and with our child, to lighten the load. We don't get intimate. (No, do not expect her to "put out" as some might say, but it still hurts.)

This last month has sucked for her. Meanwhile, I have gotten my certification, my first success of higher learning that I never thought I was capable of. She was happy and hugged me, but then nothing.

I knew it wasn't me, so despite my feelings of being lonely, I left her flowers to brighten up her day and a loving note about how grateful I am to be her husband.

She came home and saw it. A little smile. She said thanks. I only saw her because she hadn't set up a babysitter very well, as I was supposed to go out with friends. I still went out, but late. She had gone to see a friend for support and didn't adequately communicate to sitter that I was only coming home briefly.

I know it's not on purpose, but this has left me feeling not very well thought of, as it feels like we glossed over my big success and gestures.

Any tips about how we should talk about this? Sorry for all the text but I give context.

Doing my best to be compassionate.
 
It does sound very one-sided as far as support. It's all about her drama with inappropriate dating partners, and not about your success and needs.

How to talk about it? Use your words. Tell her how you feel. "When you did (or didn't do) X, I felt Y." Don't accuse her or call her names (selfish, etc.), but let her know you feel neglected in favor of her dating journey. In poly there must be balance. You can't neglect your long-term partner and devote all your energy to the newest shiny person.

Check out our resources, here:


Start with the article, Are you in poly hell?

Then read the book Opening Up.
 
pwr2theladies said:
I knew it wasn't me, so despite my feelings of being lonely, I left her flowers to brighten up her day and a loving note about how grateful I am to be her husband.

She came home and saw it. A little smile. She said thanks.
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Does she ever say "I love you"? My friends say "thanks" when I do something thoughtful for them. My husband says "I love you" (and "thanks").
 
It sounds like she doesn't regulated feelings well, gets wrapped up emotionally in people who are strangers, creating a fantasy scenario in her head, so when it goes south she is devastated and it brings on depression. In her depression she can't even see you and your needs because she is so stuck in it. It's also possible the was depressed before dating and new people became her antidepressant, which is not good.

I would talk to her about how you feel and encourage her to get therapy, not just for her depression, but also to learn skills in how to not get wrapped up in strangers so quickly, how to recognize and negotiate NRE, and what amount of time it takes to recognize healthy partners.

She needs to do some personal work before dating again, and it looks like you two have some relationship stuff to work on, as well.
 
ref2018 said:
Does she ever say "I love you"? My friends say "thanks" when I do something thoughtful for them. My husband says "I love you" (and "thanks").
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Yes, she does love me. It's really just been this past month with her new relationship crashing and burning twice. I know she does not mean to do it. There are new professional developments keeping us busy.

But that's what I am talking about, just a little bit further, like, "Hey, thanks honey. That meant a lot to me," or, "Oh, you got your certification. Let's go celebrate with a drink."

This is not the norm for her, but this latest breakup is just getting in the way, which I do expect, but this much.

She knows she has work to do. I think it's my own feelings, like, I'm not thought of. Gotta communicate more.
 
Bobbi said:
It sounds like she doesn't regulated feelings well, gets wrapped up emotionally in people who are strangers and creating a fantasy scenario in her head so when it goes south she is devastated and it brings on depression. In her depression she can't even see you and your needs because she is so stuck in it. It's also possible the was depressed before dating and new people became her antidepressant which is not good.

I would talk to her about how you feel and encourage her to get therapy. Not just for her depression but also to learn skills in how to not get wrapped up in strangers so quickly, how to recognize and negotiate NRE, and what amount of time it takes to recognize healthy partners.

She needs to do some personal work before dating again and it looks like you two have some relationship stuff to work on as well.
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Yes, I believe she has more to do around emotional regulation. She has gotten better about sharing the emotional labor among friends and not just from me.

Now we got to work this accidental one-sidedness. It's just I like, I know it sucks, but, "Hey, I'm still here. I just had a big win. Could we try to celebrate?"

I guess I just really needed to be heard here.

I'm feeling angry and hurt that more self work hasn't been done. I can't badger her into doing these things. It's really just been this past month with these two crash and burns with this other woman.

She's actually good at words of affirmation for me, but the consistency has fallen off. I don't need it all the time, but it's been a week since the breakup. I know I need to ask for what I need, but do I always have to prompt it?
 
Hi pwr2,

It sounds like your wife is neglecting you. Whatever her reasons. You are a human being, you have your feelings too. You need her and she is not there for you. Tell her, "Honey, when you glossed over my big success and gestures, I felt very lonely, like I was being taken for granted. I wonder if there is anything we can do to strengthen our marriage? I need and feel I deserve more attention when I am the partner who didn't ghost on you."

How are things going with her therapy?
With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 
You sound like a "people pleaser". Google it, there has been a lot written about this all too common personality type. Your conclusion that her neglect must somehow be something you conjured up in your mind or is understandable given her problems with her other lovers is very telling.
 
Trying2 said:
You sound like a "people pleaser". Google it, there has been a lot written about this all too common personality type. Your conclusion that her neglect must somehow be something you conjured up in your mind or is understandable given her problems with her other lovers is very telling.
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No. I know it's not my fault. I was just being supportive during a break up. I am just feeling neglected due to the amount of withdrawal the break up has caused.

We will have a relationship check in soon. And we are going to talk about this. It's OK to have one's feelings after a breakup but still gotta be a loving partner.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi pwr2,

It sounds like your wife is neglecting you. Whatever her reasons. You are a human being, you have your feelings too. You need her and she is not there for you. Tell her, "Honey, when you glossed over my big success and gestures, I felt very lonely, like I was being taken for granted. I wonder if there is anything we can do to strengthen our marriage? I need and feel I deserve more attention when I am the partner who didn't ghost on you."

How are things going with her therapy?
With sympathy,
Kevin T.
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It took her awhile to figure out she needed to start that again.

We will talk more during our relationship check in. I feel I am going to have to be very candid.

I suspected that she just hadn't done enough of the self work. Like reading the books and getting into herself.

The power of this breakup from such a brief relationship I think is proof of that. I don't consider a failure on her part l, but a sign that more work would be beneficial.

This is more about how much she withdraws when these things happen.
 
I think she needs to seek others to share her breakup woes with and be a better spouse to you. In a weird way you being her sympathizer and confidant in her emotional struggles with her lovers relegates you to "friend" status rather than husband.
 
Trying2 said:
I think she needs to seek others to share her breakup woes with and be a better spouse to you. In a weird way you being her sympathizer and confidant in her emotional struggles with her lovers relegates you to "friend" status rather than husband.
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Yes, thank you. I have already communicated that I am not an endless well of emotional labor.

She is relying on some really good friends, as well.

This is our first encounter with this kind of situation, so we are figuring it out.

I am trying to find way where I can communicate: "Hey, you are feeling depressed about this breakup. Take some time. I am here," but also that I am still her partner and that neglecting me isn't ok.

I know it's not being done on purpose, but it's how I feel.
 
The irony to me is one would think she would "lean into" her relationship with you and realize how fortunate she is to have someone who will "be there" through thick and thin.

I am curious if this lover were a man would it be more difficult for you? It would be for me. Makes me think of the Dylan lyrics-- "Why wait any longer on the one you love when he's standing in front of you?"
 
pwr2theladies said:
Hey y'all, this post is a bit of a continuation of the one I had started found here

Thanks for all the advice for that. It helped.

A lot of post I see are about a partner helping their partner though a breakup. I understand why we see a lot of these. I never see any about the partner who didn't dump you getting sidelined maybe a little too much by varying opinions.

All right. I will cut to the chase. Since we opened up, I have been there for many tears sessions for wife. The first person she was in love with felt the same way, but didn't want to risk the friendship. Frequent support while that was going down.

Finally though, it happened. My wife met a woman and they hit it off fast. She got attached. First real date, wife gets stood up, then they repaired that and gave it another chance. They were intimate. This was the first time outside our relationship. Then, bam, the woman ghosts my wife
Click to expand...
pwr2theladies said:
Whenever this happens there are weeks of me having to be being supportive. So many tears. I take of more around the house, and with our child, to lighten the load. We don't get intimate. (No, do not expect her to "put out" as some might say, but it still hurts.)
Click to expand...

From the quick scan of both your threads it seems to me the efforts / work load is completely backwards. Your wife wanted to discover her bi or poly side and you have bent backwards to accommodate her and her moods. This isn’t a team sport anymore. I think the mistake you made is being the emotional tampon, taking on more around the house and with child and letting intimacy slide without a formal conversation. When you say you’re supporting your wife to me it’s more like facilitating. IMO your wife should be putting more effort to keep your relationship and family in tact whether that in reading/ poly education, her emotional loads AND day to day family or relationship actions to smooth the transition 17yrs of monogamy.


pwr2theladies said:
This last month has sucked for her. Meanwhile, I have gotten my certification, my first success of higher learning that I never thought I was capable of. She was happy and hugged me, but then nothing.

I knew it wasn't me, so despite my feelings of being lonely, I left her flowers to brighten up her day and a loving note about how grateful I am to be her husband.
Click to expand...
You felt like you got fucked over so you sent her flowers to let her know she matters. I think this is why you keep getting fucked over.

I think it’s time bi poly wife learns to fly on her own. You need to start withdrawing “ support “. Stop fighting for ( ) fill in the blank.


pwr2theladies said:
She came home and saw it. A little smile. She said thanks. I only saw her because she hadn't set up a babysitter very well, as I was supposed to go out with friends. I still went out, but late. She had gone to see a friend for support and didn't adequately communicate to sitter that I was only coming home briefly.

I know it's not on purpose, but this has left me feeling not very well thought of, as it feels like we glossed over my big success and gestures.

Any tips about how we should talk about this? Sorry for all the text but I give context.

Doing my best to be compassionate.
Click to expand...
Maybe dial the compassion back a few notches say 60%. How do you fuck up how long you need the babysitter for ?
 
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dingedheart said:
From the quick scan of both your threads it seems to me the efforts / work load is completely backwards. Your wife wanted to discover her bi or poly side and you have bent backwards to accommodate her and her moods. This isn’t a team sport anymore. I think the mistake you made is being the emotional tampon, taking on more around the house and with child and letting intimacy slide without a formal conversation. When you say you’re supporting your wife to me it’s more like facilitating. IMO your wife should be doing more effort to keep your relationship and family in tact whether that in reading/ poly education, her emotional loads AND day to day family or relationship actions to smooth the transition 17yrs of monogamy.



You felt like you got fucked over so you sent her flowers to let her know she matters. I think this is why you keep getting fucked over.

I think it’s time bi poly wife learns to fly on her own. You need to start withdrawing “ support “. Stop fighting for ( ) fill in the blank.



Maybe dial the compassion back a few notches say 60%. How do you fuck up how long you need the babysitter for ?
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I heat what you are saying. I feel I need to clarify that I am I am 18 year lasting relationship.

I practice active compassion I. Any hard conversations and do not resort to anything that involves attacking partners.

i came hear Mostly to talk and maybe get some ideas for solution. I am not here yo form a cabal against my wife. Who for 99 percent of our relationship has been great.

It's just this recent issue where I feel we need to do some work because this can't be the norm when other relationships turn sour.

As for the babysitter. I had plans to attend a party for the purposes of having a healthy individual life as well as one with my partners. My mom didn't communicate well to the babysitter that she was supposed to stay longer.
 
I feel I need to clarify that I am in an 18 year lasting relationship.

I practice active compassion in any hard conversations and do not resort to anything that involves attacking partners.

I came here mostly to talk and maybe get some ideas for solution. I am not here to form a cabal against my wife, who for 99 percent of our relationship has been great. So please refrain from personal attacks against my wife.

I do not feel I am always getting fucked over.

It's just this recent issue where I feel we need to do some work, because this can't be the norm when other relationships turn sour. Breakups are not an excuse to neglected each other, even if unintentionally. I know that it is unintentional, but it's happening.
 
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pwr2theladies said:
I heat what you are saying. I feel I need to clarify that I am I am 18 year lasting relationship.
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17 years, 18 years. Same thing.
pwr2theladies said:
I practice active compassion I. Any hard conversations and do not resort to anything that involves attacking partners.
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No one is attacking your partner(s).
pwr2theladies said:
i came hear Mostly to talk and maybe get some ideas for solution. I am not here yo form a cabal against my wife.
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No one is forming a "cabal" against your wife. It's just that you're here asking about a problem you're having, and your problem is with your wife. If she were here asking about the same thing, we'd be saying all these things to her. That's the problem when you ask for advice from anonymous strangers on the internet who aren't personally invested in your situation or its outcome. People tell you things you might not want to hear.

pwr2theladies said:
As for the babysitter. I had plans to attend a party for the purposes of having a healthy individual life as well as one with my partners. My mom didn't communicate well to the babysitter that she was supposed to stay longer.
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Why is it your mother's job to find a babysitter for you? I must have missed something earlier.
 
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