Getting stood up emotional fatigue

[pwr2theladies]

Hey y'all. I just wanted to converse about something and figure some stuff out.

10 months ago I was poly-bombed by my wife of 17 years that, not only was she bisexual, but she needed to explore that. After much talking and work, we have expanded the relationship. We have grown and connected better. She is still crazy about me.

However, I have spent the last year reading books, attending personal therapy, working out. Just really focusing on becoming the best version of me. I wasn't really happy with myself before all this. A lot of self work was done.

My wife has put herself out there, with little luck. So far, it's one person who is into her, but scared to move beyond friendship, two people who just can't get their schedules straight in order to start something. And this last woman was looking good, they even kissed, but my wife got stood up on their first official date, with no word yet.

But none of this is the problem. My wife has been an emotional wreck for the last 24 hrs and I am nearing compassion fatigue. To be clear, I have been very supportive and have been there for many tears when the others didn't work out, hence my fatigue. Her feelings are valid. I don't expect her to just get over it, but this strong response is concerning.

However, I feel this confirms what I have suspected: she is not ready for this lifestyle. I have no idea how to bring this up with her. Having to deal with the blowback of relationships I am not in is difficult. I just want to support her in growing emotionally so every failed attempted pairing isn't a catastrophe.

She get so emotionally invested so quickly. I fear she just hasn't done the self work to live this lifestyle. I want to be the best husband I can, but my ability to do the emotional labor is diminishing. She deserves to find that awesome woman for her.

Thoughts?

 

[River]

Hey y'all. I just wanted to converse about something and figure some stuff out.

10 months ago I was poly-bombed by my wide of 17 years that, not only was she bisexual, but she needed to explore that. After much talking and work, we have expanded the relationship. We have grown and connected better. She is still crazy about me.

However, I have spent the last year reading books, attending personal therapy, working out. Just really focusing on becoming the best version of me. I wasn't really happy with myself before all this. A lot of self work was done.

My wife has put herself out there, with little luck. So far, it's one person who is into her but is scared to move beyond friendship, two people who just can't get their schedules straight in order to start something. And this last woman was looking good, they even kissed, but my wife got stood up on their first official date, with no word yet.

But none of this is the problem. My wife has been an emotional wreck for the last 24 hrs and I am nearing compassion fatigue. To be clear, I have been very supportive and have been there for many tears when the others didn't work out, hence my fatigue. Her feelings are valid. I don't expect her to just get over it, but this strong response is concerning.

However, I feel this confirms what I have suspected: she is not ready for this lifestyle. I have no idea how to bring this up with her. Having to deal with the blowback of relationships I am not in is difficult. I just want to support her in growing emotionally so every failed attempted pairing isn't a catastrophe.

She gets so emotionally invested so quickly. I fear she just hasn't done the self work to live this lifestyle. I want to be the best husband I can, but my ability to do the emotional labor is diminishing. She deserves to find that awesome woman for her.

Thoughts?

Most of us don't really remember how many times we fell down when learning to walk, but I suppose a few of us do remember. More likely, we remember scuffing our knees when falling off our bikes when learning how to ride them -- or at least learning how to ride them without training wheels.

The hard truth is that, when "dating," most dates are not going to be compatible with us for anything meaningful and enduring. This is true for mono and poly alike.

This is what your wife is learning. It's a painful lesson -- and one which helps me put my own present girlfriend in perspective, even though she lives on the other side of the Atlantic from me. She and I are compatible in a hundred crucial ways, and it is an almost shocking thing to behold! I'm so happy that the Mystery which makes unimaginable things happen graced my life with such a woman! It's beyond lucky!

Share these words with your wife, please. She needs them now.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hey y'all. I just wanted to converse about something and figure some stuff out.

10 months ago I was poly-bombed by my wife of 17 years that, not only was she bisexual, but she needed to explore that. After much talking and work, we have expanded the relationship. We have grown and connected better. She is still crazy about me.

However, I have spent the last year reading books, attending personal therapy, working out. Just really focusing on becoming the best version of me. I wasn't really happy with myself before all this. A lot of self work was done.

My wife has put herself out there, with little luck. So far, it's one person who is into her, but scared to move beyond friendship, two people who just can't get their schedules straight in order to start something. And this last woman was looking good, they even kissed, but my wife got stood up on their first official date, with no word yet.

But none of this is the problem. My wife has been an emotional wreck for the last 24 hrs and I am nearing compassion fatigue. To be clear, I have been very supportive and have been there for many tears when the others didn't work out, hence my fatigue. Her feelings are valid. I don't expect her to just get over it, but this strong response is concerning.

However, I feel this confirms what I have suspected: she is not ready for this lifestyle. I have no idea how to bring this up with her. Having to deal with the blowback of relationships I am not in is difficult. I just want to support her in growing emotionally so every failed attempted pairing isn't a catastrophe.

She get so emotionally invested so quickly. I fear she just hasn't done the self work to live this lifestyle. I want to be the best husband I can, but my ability to do the emotional labor is diminishing. She deserves to find that awesome woman for her.

Thoughts?

Hi,

I hear that you want to be a supportive husband, but it's not your job to listen endlessly to your wife reporting on dates and all the nuances of the people she relates to. None of this really is your concern. You don't have to be her free therapist, or some kind of "bestie" who is always eternally there to prop her up when something doesn't work out. If you've done the reading (like in our list of resources, here: https://polyamory.com/threads/most-commonly-cited-advice-articles-master-thread.155304/) I am sure this is mentioned from time to time.

You can and should detangle a bit. Her dates with others are hers to deal with. She can find another friend (or a poly-friendly therapist, if needed), to rehash her dates with. As her partner, it can feel uncomfortable for you to hear every detail about her other potential partners.

I wouldn't say she isn't cut out for polyamory. I would state it more as, dating is hard, often dating sucks, and you gotta kiss a lotta frogs to find one princ/ess. Most people don't understand polyamory. Also, it's much harder, as a bi woman, to find a lesbian or other bi woman to date, who is fine with poly and fine with her already having a husband. Much patience is required!

 

[pwr2theladies]

Hi,

I hear that you want to be a supportive husband, but it's not your job to listen endlessly to your wife reporting on dates and all the nuances of the people she relates to. None of this really is your concern. You don't have to be her free therapist, or some kind of "bestie" who is always eternally there to prop her up when something doesn't work out. If you've done the reading (like in our list of resources, here: https://polyamory.com/threads/most-commonly-cited-advice-articles-master-thread.155304/) I am sure this is mentioned from time to time.

You can and should detangle a bit. Her dates with others are hers to deal with. She can find another friend (or a poly-friendly therapist, if needed), to rehash her dates with. As her partner, it can feel uncomfortable for you to hear every detail about her other potential partners.

I wouldn't say she isn't cut out for polyamory. I would state it more as, dating is hard, often dating sucks, and you gotta kiss a lotta frogs to find one princ/ess. Most people don't understand polyamory. Also, it's much harder, as a bi woman, to find a lesbian or other bi woman to date, who is fine with poly and fine with her already having a husband. Much patience is required!

Yes, thank you.

I didn't mean my wife isn't cut out for this. It's just she has spent most of the last 10 months looking for a woman to date. We have poly books she has only partially read and no regular therapy to unpack things. I suspect that she just wasn't prepared for this lifestyle yet.

This is not a criticism. Yes, I have gently suggested continued therapy. It just concerns me that after only a couple of meetings with said person, her response was this strong.

She is not oversharing. It's not the sharing that is getting to me; it's the emotional train wreck. I've basically had to watch tears flow and it's hard to see that in someone you love.

I am glad this happened in a way, though. It's an opportunity for growth on her part. I just had to leave the room because I had run out of emotional labor to help.

It is my hope that she will get to a point where, when dates don't work out, she doesn't feel so emotionally distraught, or at least less. Other partners can get burned out too.

I have lots of compassion for her; it just concerns me that this bothered her as much as it did, when she got stood up.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi pwr2,

Is your wife seeing a (poly-friendly) counselor? If so, maybe she could lean on the counselor some more, so that you get a break from the emotional strain. I am not without sympathy for your wife, it really sucks that she has been stood up, and otherwise let down. But I'm sympathetic to you too, you shouldn't have to carry this heavy emotional burden.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.

 

[pwr2theladies]

She is restarting therapy

Hi pwr2,

Is your wife seeing a (poly-friendly) counselor? If so, maybe she could lean on the counselor some more, so that you get a break from the emotional strain. I am not without sympathy for your wife, it really sucks that she has been stood up, and otherwise let down. But I'm sympathetic to you too, you shouldn't have to carry this heavy emotional burden.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

But none of this is the problem. My wife has been an emotional wreck for the last 24 hrs and I am nearing compassion fatigue. To be clear, I have been very supportive and have been there for many tears when the others didn't work out, hence my fatigue. Her feelings are valid. I don't expect her to just get over it, but this strong response is concerning.

It's okay to tell her you are at compassion fatigue and cannot help further; you need a time-out to rest and recover yourself. You can't be "Superman" here. You are just a regular person. You have to work within your personal limitations. You can't go and go and go forever, right? You need breaks.

It's fine to care about a spouse, but you may have to learn to detangle and step back from her emotional management. She's got to do it herself.

She is not oversharing. It's not the sharing that is getting to me; it's the emotional train wreck. I ve basically had to watch tears flow and it's hard to see that in someone you love.

Then you might need to not be in the room watching her cry. Or you ask her to cry in the other room.

I am glad this happened in a way though. It's an opportunity for growth on her part. I'm just had to leave the room because I had run out of emotional labor to help.

Which you DID. Good for you.

Crying on her own isn't going to hurt her. Crying is cathartic. Crying releases a lot of brain chemistry. It is NORMAL to feel sad when things don't pan out. Let her do her thing.

Hopefully since she's restarting therapy, she can figure some things out.

Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

Some people are criers. Is she typically a crier about other things? I understand how she gets hurt when she gets stood up, ghosted. That's annoying. Suffice it to say, one gets used to being flaked on, if one's been dating for a year or two. (When you say she's been trying for 10 months, well, that's actually not that long...)

You could suggest she pace herself. If she won't pace herself, and keeps trying, possibly too hard, the more she dates, the more rejection she will probably suffer (unless she gets lucky).

I myself got separated from a long mono marriage in 2008. I got super lucky and found a woman to date within three months, and we are still together. However, I also wanted a good solid second partner, and it took over a decade to find him! I kissed a lot of frogs, I had some fun, some relationships of 2 years' duration, some heartbreaks, up and down. I got jaded and finally gave up. I realized I was lucky to have my gf, and maybe that was what the universe had for me.

When I stopped actively looking, I just kept checking my Fetlife account/messages, and finally found a friend, or he found me. Two years later, after just chatting on and off, he became free to date (realized he was poly), vaccinations for covid became available and we met. The rest was history. He's a keeper.

Likewise, my gf also wanted another partner. She didn't date as much as me, but found the right guy sooner, and it's been about 8 years for them. They had a rocky start though. After dating her for a year, (being an introvert) he said he wasn't ready for commitment and broke it off. But a year after that, he'd grown as a person and WAS ready for commitment!

In other words, patience is REQUIRED. And you gotta get a bit tough. You gotta know that when you get rejected, you shouldn't take it on board as a personal affront.

 

[Grace]

Hey y'all. I just wanted to converse about something and figure some stuff out.

10 months ago I was poly-bombed by my wife of 17 years that, not only was she bisexual, but she needed to explore that. After much talking and work, we have expanded the relationship. We have grown and connected better. She is still crazy about me.

However, I have spent the last year reading books, attending personal therapy, working out. Just really focusing on becoming the best version of me. I wasn't really happy with myself before all this. A lot of self work was done.

My wife has put herself out there, with little luck. So far, it's one person who is into her, but scared to move beyond friendship, two people who just can't get their schedules straight in order to start something. And this last woman was looking good, they even kissed, but my wife got stood up on their first official date, with no word yet.

But none of this is the problem. My wife has been an emotional wreck for the last 24 hrs and I am nearing compassion fatigue. To be clear, I have been very supportive and have been there for many tears when the others didn't work out, hence my fatigue. Her feelings are valid. I don't expect her to just get over it, but this strong response is concerning.

However, I feel this confirms what I have suspected: she is not ready for this lifestyle. I have no idea how to bring this up with her. Having to deal with the blowback of relationships I am not in is difficult. I just want to support her in growing emotionally so every failed attempted pairing isn't a catastrophe.

She get so emotionally invested so quickly. I fear she just hasn't done the self work to live this lifestyle. I want to be the best husband I can, but my ability to do the emotional labor is diminishing. She deserves to find that awesome woman for her.

Thoughts?

Write down the facts. Practice what to say. Sit down next to her. You must be seated-- it is less threatening. Speak to her heart from your most compassionate self. Suggest she reevaluate the type of person she is looking for. Does she practice self care or have hobbies? Does she come across as needy? Are you a topic of convo between her and these woman? That is a turn off. She must love herself and show up for herself.

I wish you two the best of luck.