What do you think?

[Tahirabs]

I found this awesome website from a polyamorous family that homeschool and run a business together:
http://www.polyfamilies.com/index.html

On this website, if you search around a lot, you'll see the woman who is writing it calling her partners Husband 1, Husband 2 and Wife. I was wondering what you thought about this. I found it rather interesting, as she can't mean these things legally, can she? Hmm... Just curious to hear other's thoughts on this, or what you think about this website. I think it's awesome!

Thanks for your thoughts,
Tahira

 

[LovingRadiance]

I found this awesome website from a polyamorous family that homeschool and run a business together
http://www.polyfamilies.com/index.html

The women who is writing it is calling her partners Husband 1, Husband 2 and Wife. I was just wondering what anyone else thought about this. I found it rather interesting, as she can't mean these things legally, can she? Just curious to hear other's thoughts.

Your question is what we think about her using the terms Husbands1 and 2, and Wife? Really, I don't care. I call Em my sister, but there is no shared biology or legal paperwork. She is still my sister of heart. So I guess if someone wanted to say husband or wife, it doesn't make much difference to me, personally.

 

[LovingRadiance]

Well, I've been laughing my butt off around that site for several hours now. A LOT of helpful info in there too, actually. Great sense of humor.

I suggest reposting this thread on the general forum. Tends to be more activity there, I think.

 

[Erosa]

LOL I can just hear the call to dinner. "Sweety, go tell Daddy 1 and Daddy 2 that Mom and Mommy have dinner on the table..." ROFL

 

[crisare]

Hi Tahira,

I've mentioned in another thread that I'm both new to the forum and new to a poly community like this, but I've been living a poly life for 2+ years and done a lot of reading and research. So take this for what it's worth considering the source.

I've read back through some of your older threads. One thing that I am seeing as a theme in what you write is this; you are somewhat hung up on what people "can" or "can't" do, or what is "in line" with what you think poly is or should be, or what you think others should feel or have, like you wanting Katja to experience a certain kind of relationship, either now with Nils, or later, in her own life and family.

I don't think you mean it in a bad way, at all. I suspect you're still clarifying a lot of things in your own mind, as you've said you're new to poly and you wouldn't be here if it weren't for the people you love.

So I guess my point is this. Does it really matter if these folks on this website call themselves husbands and wives (multiple)? Does it matter if some people have V relationships (like I do), or partial triads (like you, Nils and Katja do) or any other configuration of poly?

I wonder if you're looking for some kind of rules or labels or something, to fit things into to make yourself comfortable with the relationship you're in.

One of the things I've learned is that because these are relationships out of society's norm, there is no one right way to be poly. If you want to call Katja your gf, great. If you and Nils want to call her a 2nd wife, why not? Some people might refer to her as your secondary. Other people don't like that term, feeling it's marginalizing her role. Some people have rules in place where everyone HAS to relate to everyone else, or the relationship isn't allowed; others want little to no contact between the top points of the V; some people have closed groups; others have open groups. There are a lot of different flavors and styles of poly, and none of them are any more right or wrong than any other, as long as all the members agree.

 

[DrunkenPorcupine]

I said I'd keep my politics off of the forum, but this is one that itches to be mentioned. To me, marriage has nothing to do with the state. It has everything to do with commitment and love for other people. I see no reason why a poly family couldn't have multiple marriages. Some places recognize common-law marriage; why should it be different because the household happens to trigger multiple marriages by sharing the household commitment?

Legally speaking, she can't have two husbands and a wife. But practically speaking, I see no reason why she shouldn't think of it this way. They've likely got a vested interest in what happens in the home, with the children, the remaining spouses, et cetera.

You, not some paperwork in a city-government file folder, should determine and designate spouses.

Kudos to crisare for her insights.

It's hard, sometimes, to step outside of what is expected. It means blazing new trails and rejecting convention. That doesn't sit comfortably with a lot of people, but it's the price to be paid for thinking and acting for yourself. It's extremely empowering for you and your partners to be okay letting the relationships, not social norms, define what the relationships are.