To get back to Tinwen's original question, I think it would depend on what the parallel structure is exactly and why it's set up that way.
Parallel poly doesn't have to mean that the metamours dislike each other or are antagonistic. It can just be a structure where the metamours don't have to be in each other's daily lives or living spaces. They may not be besties, but they could regard each other as friends and be willing to work together in a health crisis. They may regard each other as extended family but not immediate family.
What lifetime commitment might look like may depend on how the hinge partner builds a life with each partner.
Does the hinge split time living with each partner, own property together with each one, etc? There used to be a poster here called Dagferi who did this with two men she considered husbands; she split her time in two houses and co-owned each house with each man, I think...haven't seen her post here lately though. I recall her talking about life partnership plans which included plans for what would happen if she died...the men would go their separate ways, as they weren't friends with each other and didn't want to interact much. I'm not sure how plans for healthcare/illness would work for her arrangement. (But I think there can be other types of parallel partnerships where the metamours are willing to interact more in crises).
If the hinge only lives with one partner and has legal commitments (marriage, property ownership, children) with only one partner, I think life partnership would be more challenging for the non-nesting partner. For me, it would feel very primary/secondary. I would only be okay being the secondary partner if I was truly building a separate life on my own terms (AND had the financial means to do so) and had other partners of my own, and ideally a more primary-life partner of my own someday.
And I say this as a solo-oriented person largely happy living by myself...it would still become increasingly difficult to watch my partner build a secure life with someone else if I wasn't happy with the life arrangement I had myself and I was making sacrifices to be near my partner in his existing life. This is largely why Eli and I broke up earlier this year after 12 years together. I was happy building a solo life parallel to his multi-partnered life...I planned to someday get an apartment, condo, or little house near his large communal house and grow old that way...but when he met someone that he wanted to live with full-time and marry and commingle finances in a way he had never wanted to do with me...I realized how secondary I would be to that arrangement and I couldn't do it. Especially when it became clear that Eli didn't understand the sacrifices I'd be making (career, financial, leaving family & friends, etc) if I moved near him.
His live-in relationship blew up spectacularly within 6 months, but the disparity between what I wanted and what he wanted had become clear. He had no actual plans for lifelong commitment with me (but he expected I would just keep dating him forever). So, the romantic and sexual part of our relationship is over.
I don't think lifelong commitment in parallel poly is impossible, though. Living with metamours should not be the only way to build lifelong poly commitment.
Parallel poly doesn't have to mean that the metamours dislike each other or are antagonistic. It can just be a structure where the metamours don't have to be in each other's daily lives or living spaces. They may not be besties, but they could regard each other as friends and be willing to work together in a health crisis. They may regard each other as extended family but not immediate family.
What lifetime commitment might look like may depend on how the hinge partner builds a life with each partner.
Does the hinge split time living with each partner, own property together with each one, etc? There used to be a poster here called Dagferi who did this with two men she considered husbands; she split her time in two houses and co-owned each house with each man, I think...haven't seen her post here lately though. I recall her talking about life partnership plans which included plans for what would happen if she died...the men would go their separate ways, as they weren't friends with each other and didn't want to interact much. I'm not sure how plans for healthcare/illness would work for her arrangement. (But I think there can be other types of parallel partnerships where the metamours are willing to interact more in crises).
If the hinge only lives with one partner and has legal commitments (marriage, property ownership, children) with only one partner, I think life partnership would be more challenging for the non-nesting partner. For me, it would feel very primary/secondary. I would only be okay being the secondary partner if I was truly building a separate life on my own terms (AND had the financial means to do so) and had other partners of my own, and ideally a more primary-life partner of my own someday.
And I say this as a solo-oriented person largely happy living by myself...it would still become increasingly difficult to watch my partner build a secure life with someone else if I wasn't happy with the life arrangement I had myself and I was making sacrifices to be near my partner in his existing life. This is largely why Eli and I broke up earlier this year after 12 years together. I was happy building a solo life parallel to his multi-partnered life...I planned to someday get an apartment, condo, or little house near his large communal house and grow old that way...but when he met someone that he wanted to live with full-time and marry and commingle finances in a way he had never wanted to do with me...I realized how secondary I would be to that arrangement and I couldn't do it. Especially when it became clear that Eli didn't understand the sacrifices I'd be making (career, financial, leaving family & friends, etc) if I moved near him.
His live-in relationship blew up spectacularly within 6 months, but the disparity between what I wanted and what he wanted had become clear. He had no actual plans for lifelong commitment with me (but he expected I would just keep dating him forever). So, the romantic and sexual part of our relationship is over.
I don't think lifelong commitment in parallel poly is impossible, though. Living with metamours should not be the only way to build lifelong poly commitment.
