What does lifelong commitment in parallel poly mean?

[Tinwen]

I realize there is a topic I still haven't been able to wrap my head around with poly (and, possibly, relationships in general).

In monogamy, marriage/commitment traditionally involves "in sickness and in health, until death do us part." We believe in ageing together and, to a big extent, take on the responsibility to care for a spouse should they develop health problems or disability. Life may turn out differently, but somehow the cultural idea of a loving relationship is one that lasts through these difficulties and the idea of a decent grown-up human being is someone who is able to make that kind of sacrifice.

This is considered ethical, and my built-in moral compass agrees, although I am not at all sure I would live up to that morality in certain situations.

I imagine kitchen-table triads would work the same.

But in a poly "V", or other structures with not-necessarily-close metamour relationships, if people want to make life-long commitments, how does it work? As a hinge, can you live multiple relationships committed to this depth? How about the metamour relationships-- would you feel any moral responsibility to take care of an aging or disabled metamour?

 

[kdt26417]

I think a lifelong commitment in parallel poly means that someone has multiple partners, and has exchanged promises with those partners to remain permanently involved with each other, however the partners will seldom if ever encounter each other. Of course, there is always the possibility of the parallel aspect of it to evolve into a kitchen table arrangement. As for whether metamours will care for each other after their hinge passes away, that is a bridge they'll have to cross if/when they get to it.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

I think practically speaking, it will be very difficult for both partners to feel like they've got a life partner at that stage. For it to work how it might work in a triad for instance, the metamours have to really want each other around and facilitate their partner in sustaining that contact and support. They'll have to stay local to each other to be of any real use as they age. Metamour might have to help partner to see other partner.

And something nobody can control, everyone's needs has to stay at a manageable limit.

If you're totally parallel, the chances of it working out where you feel like you've got a life partner are slim unless someone dies.

 

[LaminarFlow]

It depends on the distance, agreements, dedication and effort people are willing to put in. How is it any different than taking care of your friends and family when they are sick and in old age? Parallel V's too. If you agreed to grow old together, so be it. Not everyone has to get a long. Just basic polite for when you need to get stuff done.

If one is not close to a metamour, would shelf it the same as not close to any family member or acquaintance. They have my sympathies, but they are not my responsibility.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

How is it any different than taking care of your friends and family when they are sick and in old age?

Typically, couples are both friends with a person or close to a relative. So it's not like someone's wife is in a parallel friendship with their best friend, or parallel in laws with their brother.

That way, if the spouse becomes unable to independently communicate or travel to see the friend or relative, their partner will facilitate that by ensuring they see each other and that any duties and obligations aee fulfilled.

In parallel poly, the metamours might not ever want to be in the same room or communicate at all.

As you age, parallel poly becomes less compatible with long term commitment.

 

[LaminarFlow]

Typically, couples are both friends with a person or close to a relative. So it's not like someone's wife is in a parallel friendship with their best friend, or parallel in laws with their brother.

That way, if the spouse becomes unable to independently communicate or travel to see the friend or relative, their partner will facilitate that by ensuring they see each other and that any duties and obligations aee fulfilled.

In parallel poly, the metamours might not ever want to be in the same room or communicate at all.

As you age, parallel poly becomes less compatible with long term commitment.

I know. If it's super extreme parallel, it may not work out. Also if you're not able to compartmentalize your social contacts.

But there are endless first-call emergency situations I have been in where I needed to keep people parallel to get things done.

If the disabled romantic partner is the only person you know from their life, it may be a problem. But a partner can easily reach out to other people in disabled partners life than the metamour and work around that. It doesn't have to be zero-chance in parallel, that's what I'm saying.

 

[Evie]

It depends on exactly what commitments you've made. And the level of health problems or disability, if it came to that.

I imagine that if Nevyn were to get sick, his wife would consider him off limits to other partners and if he was that sick, he wouldn't get a say in that. I imagine that if Puck were to get sick, someone would facilitate the video calls that we currently operate on, being long distance. If he was too sick to communicate at all, then the relationship would be over, and I would grieve that. And I would grieve him when I got word he'd passed.

I wouldn't see any need to be a caregiver to a previously parallel metamour - they'd have their own close contacts for that should our hinge pass away first.

 

[Kynde]

I have shared my partners' emergency contact info with all other partners. That way if something happens, we will all know about it and can offer assistance.

As a solo poly woman I am responsible for my own well being and finances, etc. But I consider my metamours to be extended family by proxy of my partners.

I'm in my 50's and all of my partners are 50 to 62 years old. We are all aware of the aging process. We hope to age gracefully together and be there for each other just as we are now.

 

[Bobbi]

I see life partners partners as extended family. Some extended family I'd drop everything for, others I'd send a card, some get nothing. It depends on my relationship with them. In this way I'm very RA. Nobody gets special treatment because of relation. It's all about my relationship with that individual and my commitments to that individual.

My life partner gets all the commitments just like marriage, but those don't extend to anyone else by proxy.

 

[dingedheart]

What does life long commitment mean in marriage today ? Take that answer and divide by the number of parallel partners( ) X 5 =

Problem is relationship shelf life. AND as we know every relationship has a shelf life.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

But a partner can easily reach out to other people in disabled partners life than the metamour and work around that. It doesn't have to be zero-chance in parallel, that's what I'm saying.

I'm trying to envisage this: Jack is infirm and is married to Jill and the partner of Jane. Jim is Jack's best friend. Jill and Jane are parallel so Jane reaches out to Jim to try and get contact with Jack. Jack then has to explain to Jill that she needs to clear the way so he can make sure Jane sees Jack.

I just feel like if being parallel is key to your polyamorous relationship, this just isn't going to happen. The chances of your partner having a person who counts you as an important aspect of their life is much lower than them having several people who have always thought it weird and aren't about to potentially upset your partner's spouse on your account.

Often even the people who have been relatively on board think it's time for the "silly stuff" to stop when real life kicks in (marriage, kids, disability etc)

 

[LaminarFlow]

I'm trying to envisage this: Jack is infirm and is married to Jill and the partner of Jane. Jim is Jack's best friend. Jill and Jane are parallel so Jane reaches out to Jim to try and get contact with Jack. Jack then has to explain to Jill that she needs to clear the way so he can make sure Jane sees Jack.

Yes, I do not see a problem.
Jim can make a time-schedule when who sees Jack and people don't have to overlap. May that be Jane, friends, the neighbour, colleagues, long lost family, a time-block for rest. If Jack is committed to Jane and let Jim know he wants her there. I think a spouse can support the partner and meta to have their time, and take space away themselves just like a patient needs time to rest. It doesn't have to be with animosity or with silliness. It's just that, parallel.

I just feel like if being parallel is key to your polyamorous relationship, this just isn't going to happen. The chances of your partner having a person who counts you as an important aspect of their life is much lower than them having several people who have always thought it weird and aren't about to potentially upset your partner's spouse on your account.

Personally wouldn't date someone who has a spouse like that or without a clear exit plan. I think this depends highly on the spouse, but I don't think it's impossible.

Often even the people who have been relatively on board think it's time for the "silly stuff" to stop when real life kicks in (marriage, kids, disability etc)

Doesn't have to be silly. I'm just seeing it as having space, self-care and time-management.

Example: when my Best Friend was bedridden with cancer, I was there a lot. Her Partner doesn't know everyone from her and mine's friend group. So I took Other Friend to visit Best Friend for quality time and help, so Partner could have time for themselves (sports, evening out, whatever to make him relax a little). Partner has never seen Other Friend, only knows their name. Why should it with polyamory be any different?

For context: this Other Friend is highly introvert, so they never go to parties or big dinners and so on. Only meets with me and Best Friend. Good opportunity for a Partner to have self-care when looking after someone who is ill. So I don't think a situation or dynamic matters, just the people who are in it.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Jim can make a time-schedule when who sees Jack and people don't have to overlap.

It's just not realistic. If someone is disabled to the point that they can't make their own arrangements, nobody is going to potentially override their legal next of kin to bring people in. What will most likely happen is that Jill, the one who has legal control over the situation, will find Jim intrusive and cut him off from contact with Jack.

Jack would have to put legal documents in place to override Jill and leave Jim in a position where he can make such decisions.

The ideals you're speaking in are essentially fictional.

Why should it with polyamory be any different?

This is a naive question. Everything changes when you bring polyamory into it. A friend visiting someone in a hospital room while the wife steps out is VERY different to a girlfriend seeing someone's husband while they aren't there. I think we do new to poly people a disservice when we act like society is accepting and understanding of poly relationships. It isn't.

 

[LaminarFlow]

It's just not realistic. If someone is disabled to the point that they can't make their own arrangements, nobody is going to potentially override their legal next of kin to bring people in. What will most likely happen is that Jill, the one who has legal control over the situation, will find Jim intrusive and cut him off from contact with Jack.

This is a very mono-normative way of dealing with things.

The ideals you're speaking in are essentially fictional.

Actually no. I think it's mostly RA vs mono-normative way of approach.
I know enough RA couples or people who are living alone, who keep things parallel that it could work.

This is a naive question. Everything changes when you bring polyamory into it. A friend visiting someone in a hospital room while the wife steps out is VERY different to a girlfriend seeing someone's husband while they aren't there. I think we do new to poly people a disservice when we act like society is accepting and understanding of poly relationships. It isn't.

This really depends on the relationship with the meta in parallel BEFORE partner is in the hospital.

I don't agree, it really depends on the people in the dynamic and their commitmens, not society. Society doesn't dictate who you can love or visit when you die, you do that yourself.

I don't know where you are from, but the society where I am from is accepting and understanding of poly relationships. We have poly people in government that are out.

 

[Evie]

Two types of parallel... circumstantial, or deliberate.

If someone has deliberately gone parallel because of conflict or whatever, then I strongly suspect that mononormative behaviours will likely take over in event of ill health or death. Legal spouse, if there is one, will cut any other partners out.

If the parallel is circumstantial and there's no animosity between the sick or infirm hinge's partners then I would anticipate cooperation in at least visitation.

I stick by what I've always said ... If you aren't ready to make your partner's OSO/s one of the first calls in event of sickness, injury, or death, then you are not ready for polyamory.

 

[Tinwen]

What does life long commitment mean in marriage today ? Take that answer and divide by the number of parallel partners( ) X 5 =

Problem is relationship shelf life. AND as we know every relationship has a shelf life.

You see, I don't know that - not before "death do us part".
My parents are happily married, 40 years now.
My grandparents from my father's side were happily married all their lives before grandpa died a few years ago.
My other grandpa died when mom was little. Grandma mourned him for a very long time and never remarried (well, that wasn't healthy).

My relationship role-models have all lived the monogamous fairy-tale. I don't know about shelf-life.

 

[LaminarFlow]

Two types of parallel... circumstantial, or deliberate.

If someone has deliberately gone parallel because of conflict or whatever, then I strongly suspect that mononormative behaviours will likely take over in event of ill health or death. Legal spouse, if there is one, will cut any other partners out.

If the parallel is circumstantial and there's no animosity between the sick or infirm hinge's partners then I would anticipate cooperation in at least visitation.

I stick by what I've always said ... If you aren't ready to make your partner's OSO/s one of the first calls in event of sickness, injury, or death, then you are not ready for polyamory.

This! Thanks for summing it up what I was trying to explain.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Two types of parallel... circumstantial, or deliberate.

If someone has deliberately gone parallel because of conflict or whatever, then I strongly suspect that mononormative behaviours will likely take over in event of ill health or death. Legal spouse, if there is one, will cut any other partners out.

If the parallel is circumstantial and there's no animosity between the sick or infirm hinge's partners then I would anticipate cooperation in at least visitation.

I stick by what I've always said ... If you aren't ready to make your partner's OSO/s one of the first calls in event of sickness, injury, or death, then you are not ready for polyamory.

Agreed. What I'd add is that I have never met anyone who identifies with "parallel" where it wasn't a deliberate set up.

 

[Tinwen]

Parallel doesn't have to be extreme, like metamours never ever see each other. Me and meta are acquaintances. We have some common hobby groups. I respect her but I don't actually like her. I don't have a problem giving her a phonecall either.

So one of the dilemmas to understand, what is my role if she gets into trouble? There's no definite answer, but some framework to think about it would be helpful.

 

[LaminarFlow]

So one of the dilemmas to understand, what is my role if she gets into trouble? There's no definite answer, but some framework to think about it would be helpful.

It depends on the relationship.
Treat her like any another acquaintance. She doesn't get dibs on your time just because you are seeing the same person.

But also, people help strangers and never see them again. So it depends on the weight of the emergency and troubles.